I wanted to try a practice exercise, I’ve been struggling to write about this day I had. I think I am having so much trouble writing about it because it is really against what we feel is natural to usually write about when we want to manifest what's truly good. So I wanted to see if I could make this approach work. Well I feel like the outcome was good.
A couple days back I had an awful day. I am not a lazy person- not that I haven’t had my moments. I wake up every morning at 3-5am. Most people get to bed at midnight or later, I’ve already been asleep for 5-6 hours by then. What I dislike about waking up in the morning earlier than everybody else is most people don’t start their day until 10am to 12pm afternoon, this has been my routine since Oct. 2010. I spent the night at my mom’s on the 28th in February I had this happen: I was going through some old pictures of myself it really broke my heart. It was probably unexpected how I felt. I never knew I deserved love and am nothing like what this person I felt had to be weird. In fact the only people that treat me any different (like I haven’t always been this way that I am) are people who only knew me before I made this full-time switch back. These pictures of myself I was looking at are from when I lost all of my friends. At 22yr/o that feels like an aftermath. I don’t think I went out of control with sex; actually I never got the opportunity, but I did portray myself as a slut of my own personal photographs. I let other people treat me a certain way and then I believed it.
So I fell asleep with that the night before. When I got up after my regular routine, I was writing a couple emails, for some reason my mom was awake and first thing she proceeded to do was shout at me. It was an awful start to an awful day. After I sat in the bathroom and cried, for what felt like 20min hot tears down my face, I decided it would be a good day to try and finally see the Buddhist Temple. Sometimes riding the train or bus is less complicated than driving in L.A. especially with the pain of car maintenance, not to mention gas prices. Not that I'm complaining either way I'm just stating some facts. Well this morning I forgot my bus pass this would make it the 3rd time in a row, but I didn’t forget it because when I couldn’t find it back at home it was in this coat pocket of a jacket I never wear, I still made it back to the stop in time for this bus luckily. Everything was fine until I got to my 3rd stop. I’m not sure where Westwood is, it is definitely higher in elevation, on a mountain top.
When I exited the bus immediately my lungs begin to feel like they were both on fire! I hadn’t eaten and at the same time my stomach began shooting waves of pain that made it troublesome to concentrate. This location was very populated, it’s at a University. I was holding my midsection and there were cars everywhere! There were restaurants and I was feeling faint so many people were laughing and crowding every street corner. The cars were going 5 different directions. I was looking for my last bus and saw it across the street. It was at a red light and when the light turned green the bus left leaving me stranded. I was sitting across the street from a Burger King, my lungs burned so badly at the high elevation from smoking marijuana regularly so I had to smoke a little to reduce the pain. I was wearing rainy weather clothes but the sun was blaring above me today. I remembered I had some beef jerky so I reached my hand in the bag to grab it and sliced my finger at the tip in 2 places. It didn’t hurt just, the high elevation made blood oozing like water out of my hand streaking blood criss-cross on the dirty sidewalk. So many people were around suddenly I begin having that dizzy feeling you have like when your having blood withdrawn. I just clutched myself and it made me feel better to cry; the beef jerky was spicy: now it can be humorous, at the time it was an overwhelming feeling.
When the bus arrived it wasn’t a moment too soon, there weren’t any hassles boarding the only thing was the bus route had stops on every few streets, it was tearing down the mountain, no one was pulling any stops, so every couple seconds the voice that announces each stop was reading names off like it was having a personal conversation with itself. I pulled my bus stop and spent my last $2 on a bag of chip I found at a market even though they were the worst kind of chips- it was good to have food. First thing I noticed was the address of the Temple was about 2,000 numbers off. I walked about 500 numbers down and I found another street with the same exact street-name that was where the bus had left me originally. I didn’t care much if I had taken the wrong stop or not, for it was a beautiful site. There was an ocean that looked like blue liquid clay the sun reflected a mirror of blinding light back and forth on the motion of the current. The Temple is called “Lake Shrine”, and it is on a mountain landscape in the Pacific Palisades. Why the map had me exit the bus in the middle of the mountain, I cannot tell you, it was in a way pleasant, I smoked some ganja marching downward, a heard or some gang of motorcycle club roared by, I could not figure out why the sidewalk ended. As I rounded the mountains bank, I saw the Temple. It was magnificent, it was extraordinary, it was closed. I searched for the front entrance; I had so much trouble finding it because of a construction site in progress blocking the cliff’s foothill. I considered getting a closer 1st hand look at this ridiculous beaches ocean, I decided against it because a bus was waiting for me not even ready to leave yet at my stop home. It looked like the best bus ride home because my head was throbbing from a headache. I sat waiting until it was time to go after this the bus ride home was not a smooth ride.
It was only 1 o’clock, after hours later I made it home. I had a few things I had to get with my sister and I wanted to check on her phone the [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] “What’s New” before I get back to my place. But no way, the phone is trapped in a force-field and the pages wont load. Only one page and that I could not respond too. We got everything I needed and she even let me chill in the parking lot for more 10 min apparently with no reception = no connection. This was probably like not much to anyone else but to me it was just an apathetic feeling. I got to my place and threw my stuff down to locate a building I knew they had internet on days I had no other option but I never could find the building I was shocked when I found a computer store where they sell computers they had internet. That was the night I posted you guys I had a bad day like a post or 2 up. I was really feeling good I could do that before I go to sleep because I get anxiety and can’t sleep if I feel so depressed. I tried writing about this day 3 other times and this time it was even tough. You don’t know it because this day I had that was so bad was hardly even like a day when I was having nowhere to live. It really helps me to update it regularly however I can.
On February 12th, around 10 o’clock, I was struck with a feeling of absolute peace. It was while I was out for my usual earlier walk time than for other people. I smoked some weed and breathed fresh clean ocean air like I do most every morning, when suddenly I was overcome in a sense of comfort so strong and powerful I had no will to stand. It was a complete moment of privacy although I was out in public I suddenly was surrounded in a sense-like-silence. I thought it was going to vanish in a moment but it kept on energizing around me, it was a feeling of a dreamlike state. A few moments went by and I felt I wanted to speak in this quiet it was just such a good feeling, I asked a guy the time- he told me. I replied, “ I don’t know where I am, I know this is Long Beach, I just had the most beautiful feeling of peace here just now.” He was like “aaaa….” On February 22nd this same type of feeling happen to me, it was a different feeling of peace though. It wasn’t in a sense so strong that I had to sit like the time before, it was heavy like but not like a weight keeping me from feeling light.
It was the same type of morning where I was out walking about the same time. First I had a little marijuana but it isn’t that because I smoke the same herb regularly and these experiences happen after very little marijuana. I felt like stretching my legs so I sat on a bench in front of a pretty little house like a cottage in this town. The sun was heating my body, and there was the refreshing ocean breeze. Instead of the feeling overwhelming me like the previous peaceful experience this one settled onto me. I first realized there were no people screaming at each other or bursting out in laughter. If there was anybody around they were in a bubble of their own atmosphere of concentration. I wasn’t hungry I wasn’t tired. It was mostly consciousness than physical I see now looking back. It was a moment of heartbreak feeling a chance to rest. It was understanding and independence after chaos and frustration. I remember I felt nothing except a hint of boredom it was only for a moment. Cars rode by in a quite hum. Like they were not there to creep past or lollygag. If only for a moment.
Those were some feelings I was struck by lately. My breasts are forming underneath my shirt. I was laying on my back the other day sucking in my stomach; I can see they are like 2 cupcakes, like tiny little islands. I showed my sister and she said they were ‘cupping’ I know they have an effect on my emotions and I mentioned estrogen will intensify everything. The natural hormones I’m on make my emotions feel very strongly whichever way I am feeling them. One day I had a slight decrease in sex-drive and it has been the same pretty consistently. Before it happen I had an extreme urge of ongoing erections. I take Saw Palmetto, Red Clover Blossoms, Fenugreek, Flax Seed Oil, and PABA. When I start real estrogen there will be a much more powerful effect of my emotions. I had a couple shots in 2008 I remember I quit because they made me feel like I was starving yet I was heavier at the time. When I quit I cried way more than usually off the treatment. I don't mean to sound like it is not something I can hang with. The truth is the explanation is going to be in my book so you will just have to wait to understand if you don't already
I know it will help me out so much to be able to keep an update here. I feel like it has really saved my life sometimes.
I should have the money for a laptop this week. There was someone who helped me find an endless supply of job resources perfect for someone like me yesterday, they have job training, now I need to just decide what I’m going to start for building a career.
A couple days back I had an awful day. I am not a lazy person- not that I haven’t had my moments. I wake up every morning at 3-5am. Most people get to bed at midnight or later, I’ve already been asleep for 5-6 hours by then. What I dislike about waking up in the morning earlier than everybody else is most people don’t start their day until 10am to 12pm afternoon, this has been my routine since Oct. 2010. I spent the night at my mom’s on the 28th in February I had this happen: I was going through some old pictures of myself it really broke my heart. It was probably unexpected how I felt. I never knew I deserved love and am nothing like what this person I felt had to be weird. In fact the only people that treat me any different (like I haven’t always been this way that I am) are people who only knew me before I made this full-time switch back. These pictures of myself I was looking at are from when I lost all of my friends. At 22yr/o that feels like an aftermath. I don’t think I went out of control with sex; actually I never got the opportunity, but I did portray myself as a slut of my own personal photographs. I let other people treat me a certain way and then I believed it.
So I fell asleep with that the night before. When I got up after my regular routine, I was writing a couple emails, for some reason my mom was awake and first thing she proceeded to do was shout at me. It was an awful start to an awful day. After I sat in the bathroom and cried, for what felt like 20min hot tears down my face, I decided it would be a good day to try and finally see the Buddhist Temple. Sometimes riding the train or bus is less complicated than driving in L.A. especially with the pain of car maintenance, not to mention gas prices. Not that I'm complaining either way I'm just stating some facts. Well this morning I forgot my bus pass this would make it the 3rd time in a row, but I didn’t forget it because when I couldn’t find it back at home it was in this coat pocket of a jacket I never wear, I still made it back to the stop in time for this bus luckily. Everything was fine until I got to my 3rd stop. I’m not sure where Westwood is, it is definitely higher in elevation, on a mountain top.
When I exited the bus immediately my lungs begin to feel like they were both on fire! I hadn’t eaten and at the same time my stomach began shooting waves of pain that made it troublesome to concentrate. This location was very populated, it’s at a University. I was holding my midsection and there were cars everywhere! There were restaurants and I was feeling faint so many people were laughing and crowding every street corner. The cars were going 5 different directions. I was looking for my last bus and saw it across the street. It was at a red light and when the light turned green the bus left leaving me stranded. I was sitting across the street from a Burger King, my lungs burned so badly at the high elevation from smoking marijuana regularly so I had to smoke a little to reduce the pain. I was wearing rainy weather clothes but the sun was blaring above me today. I remembered I had some beef jerky so I reached my hand in the bag to grab it and sliced my finger at the tip in 2 places. It didn’t hurt just, the high elevation made blood oozing like water out of my hand streaking blood criss-cross on the dirty sidewalk. So many people were around suddenly I begin having that dizzy feeling you have like when your having blood withdrawn. I just clutched myself and it made me feel better to cry; the beef jerky was spicy: now it can be humorous, at the time it was an overwhelming feeling.
When the bus arrived it wasn’t a moment too soon, there weren’t any hassles boarding the only thing was the bus route had stops on every few streets, it was tearing down the mountain, no one was pulling any stops, so every couple seconds the voice that announces each stop was reading names off like it was having a personal conversation with itself. I pulled my bus stop and spent my last $2 on a bag of chip I found at a market even though they were the worst kind of chips- it was good to have food. First thing I noticed was the address of the Temple was about 2,000 numbers off. I walked about 500 numbers down and I found another street with the same exact street-name that was where the bus had left me originally. I didn’t care much if I had taken the wrong stop or not, for it was a beautiful site. There was an ocean that looked like blue liquid clay the sun reflected a mirror of blinding light back and forth on the motion of the current. The Temple is called “Lake Shrine”, and it is on a mountain landscape in the Pacific Palisades. Why the map had me exit the bus in the middle of the mountain, I cannot tell you, it was in a way pleasant, I smoked some ganja marching downward, a heard or some gang of motorcycle club roared by, I could not figure out why the sidewalk ended. As I rounded the mountains bank, I saw the Temple. It was magnificent, it was extraordinary, it was closed. I searched for the front entrance; I had so much trouble finding it because of a construction site in progress blocking the cliff’s foothill. I considered getting a closer 1st hand look at this ridiculous beaches ocean, I decided against it because a bus was waiting for me not even ready to leave yet at my stop home. It looked like the best bus ride home because my head was throbbing from a headache. I sat waiting until it was time to go after this the bus ride home was not a smooth ride.
It was only 1 o’clock, after hours later I made it home. I had a few things I had to get with my sister and I wanted to check on her phone the [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] “What’s New” before I get back to my place. But no way, the phone is trapped in a force-field and the pages wont load. Only one page and that I could not respond too. We got everything I needed and she even let me chill in the parking lot for more 10 min apparently with no reception = no connection. This was probably like not much to anyone else but to me it was just an apathetic feeling. I got to my place and threw my stuff down to locate a building I knew they had internet on days I had no other option but I never could find the building I was shocked when I found a computer store where they sell computers they had internet. That was the night I posted you guys I had a bad day like a post or 2 up. I was really feeling good I could do that before I go to sleep because I get anxiety and can’t sleep if I feel so depressed. I tried writing about this day 3 other times and this time it was even tough. You don’t know it because this day I had that was so bad was hardly even like a day when I was having nowhere to live. It really helps me to update it regularly however I can.
On February 12th, around 10 o’clock, I was struck with a feeling of absolute peace. It was while I was out for my usual earlier walk time than for other people. I smoked some weed and breathed fresh clean ocean air like I do most every morning, when suddenly I was overcome in a sense of comfort so strong and powerful I had no will to stand. It was a complete moment of privacy although I was out in public I suddenly was surrounded in a sense-like-silence. I thought it was going to vanish in a moment but it kept on energizing around me, it was a feeling of a dreamlike state. A few moments went by and I felt I wanted to speak in this quiet it was just such a good feeling, I asked a guy the time- he told me. I replied, “ I don’t know where I am, I know this is Long Beach, I just had the most beautiful feeling of peace here just now.” He was like “aaaa….” On February 22nd this same type of feeling happen to me, it was a different feeling of peace though. It wasn’t in a sense so strong that I had to sit like the time before, it was heavy like but not like a weight keeping me from feeling light.
It was the same type of morning where I was out walking about the same time. First I had a little marijuana but it isn’t that because I smoke the same herb regularly and these experiences happen after very little marijuana. I felt like stretching my legs so I sat on a bench in front of a pretty little house like a cottage in this town. The sun was heating my body, and there was the refreshing ocean breeze. Instead of the feeling overwhelming me like the previous peaceful experience this one settled onto me. I first realized there were no people screaming at each other or bursting out in laughter. If there was anybody around they were in a bubble of their own atmosphere of concentration. I wasn’t hungry I wasn’t tired. It was mostly consciousness than physical I see now looking back. It was a moment of heartbreak feeling a chance to rest. It was understanding and independence after chaos and frustration. I remember I felt nothing except a hint of boredom it was only for a moment. Cars rode by in a quite hum. Like they were not there to creep past or lollygag. If only for a moment.
Those were some feelings I was struck by lately. My breasts are forming underneath my shirt. I was laying on my back the other day sucking in my stomach; I can see they are like 2 cupcakes, like tiny little islands. I showed my sister and she said they were ‘cupping’ I know they have an effect on my emotions and I mentioned estrogen will intensify everything. The natural hormones I’m on make my emotions feel very strongly whichever way I am feeling them. One day I had a slight decrease in sex-drive and it has been the same pretty consistently. Before it happen I had an extreme urge of ongoing erections. I take Saw Palmetto, Red Clover Blossoms, Fenugreek, Flax Seed Oil, and PABA. When I start real estrogen there will be a much more powerful effect of my emotions. I had a couple shots in 2008 I remember I quit because they made me feel like I was starving yet I was heavier at the time. When I quit I cried way more than usually off the treatment. I don't mean to sound like it is not something I can hang with. The truth is the explanation is going to be in my book so you will just have to wait to understand if you don't already
I know it will help me out so much to be able to keep an update here. I feel like it has really saved my life sometimes.I should have the money for a laptop this week
. There was someone who helped me find an endless supply of job resources perfect for someone like me yesterday, they have job training, now I need to just decide what I’m going to start for building a career.
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