My Account of Blood, Sweat, and Tears
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I actually just wanted to upload a couple pictures here that I've taken. I see my butt has grown a lot since my 1st shot. These were actually taken a week before my 3rd shot, but it is after 2 shots one in each butt cheek 
The 1st one I had the dr asked me if I had ever had silicon shots before in my ass and I was pretty proud of that I think I have already mentioned it. Imma little embarrassed to post my ass like this, but its also good for me because it is something I like doing and if I really want to make movies then I am going to have to learn to show off my body anyways. I realized when I get laser and after the next 6 months I will have a better set up I have a really good feeling it is going to turn out amazing! When people make fun of me or call me ugly I think about these pictures and sometimes it makes me mad because I don't feel that way. These pictures are not even trying to wear anything nice or I didn't shave up first. This is my natural body I just pulled my pants down and hit record. My hair is not even pretty 
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The 1st one I had the dr asked me if I had ever had silicon shots before in my ass and I was pretty proud of that I think I have already mentioned it. Imma little embarrassed to post my ass like this, but its also good for me because it is something I like doing and if I really want to make movies then I am going to have to learn to show off my body anyways. I realized when I get laser and after the next 6 months I will have a better set up I have a really good feeling it is going to turn out amazing! When people make fun of me or call me ugly I think about these pictures and sometimes it makes me mad because I don't feel that way. These pictures are not even trying to wear anything nice or I didn't shave up first. This is my natural body I just pulled my pants down and hit record. My hair is not even pretty View attachment 23878
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Yea, 2 weeks until all of this is over. I'm going to post some updates, then I'm going to close this thread and open a new one. I have had a progress thread since I started penis enlargement. I think the 3rd one is going to be the best yet. I'll have the internet full time, new clothes, laser, and some of those diet supplements to shrink my stomach.
It was pretty fucked up. If I had just not gone on the computer anymore there would have been no reason for me to not go on the computer anymore. I would spend all day going online. Before I got my laptop I would travel 45 minutes one way on the train, walk 5 blocks to the Library, go 3 floors underground, sign up for 2-4 hours, and post everyday. One day, even more than one, I traveled over 3 hours to get on a computer. One day I was so anxious to post online I found a computer with the internet that charged you like a soda machine, and for some reason, I must have been so stoned, I put $20 in the machine, didn't make a password, and then only spent 20min or less on it; losing all the money(at the time it was a lot of money for me). Nobody really reads my posts, I have a dozen or more threads started nobody has ever even commented on, for all different reasons I'm sure. Not like its a big deal or anything I've seen lots of guys on here start threads, and no one responds to them. Thats why I always try and respond to every thread that has zero responses by the end of the day, unless it is about adult entertainment, or guessing dick sizes, those I don't usually participate in.
When my mom made me leave in January I was really mad because it wasn't fair my options were very limited I practically didn't have any. I couldn't stay mad at her though because I got on hormones which is a big big deal to me and she helped me with things I desperatly needed the whole time. If it wasn't for her I would have probably had no choice but to give up and whore myself. That was just a terribly horrible long and painful experience. Can you imagine what it feels like to feel like you are making the best break through of your life and understanding such a huge new way about yourself, only for your own mom to hate you, and the next best step is to throw everything away, and be forced into fucking?! I don't think I am very clear about it, it has truly been that way. It is very disturbing and made me sick many nights. Originally my plan was to go straight into a shelter, find work and Idda been ok. I got temporary assistance from the government, and I was ready to take the step outside alone again. But when I got there I sat in a waiting room all day and they told me to come back, I sat there again a whole day and was told to come back, and this repeated for literally weeks. When I finally saw someone they told me if I had been a year younger there were 2 places they could have put me right away, but since I was 26 I was put on a waiting list.
So I ended up nowhere but in that damn waiting room hour after hour, day after day, until finally I found a run down little apartment in the ghetto I could afford with my government supported income. The only problem was for my plan to work was I needed that money for laser and stuff. Instead I had to use it to pay rent and the apartment was so gross. Well the year before in 2010 I had thrown away ALL my clothes remember? I had nothing literally except for 2 shirts and a pair of pants. I wore those 2 shirts and pair of pants everyday for months. I slowly collected a few other shirts and pants, but usually it was just to replace the previous pair this is when my mom helped me. I had facial hair literally for the 1st time in my life!! Never had I grown a full beard and when I shaved it was the first time there was ever a shadow left; it was foreign to me. I have had razor burn for the first time ever and break outs from shaving. Ever since I have been struggling with that. There is nothing worse than being dressed up in little girl clothes that don't even look good the 1st day you wear them, not to mention the 3rd, 4th, and 5th month you are wearing them. Then I had this horrible hair on my face and people gave me HELL.
My living nightmare was just beginning. I was still getting hit on like that because the truth is I am cute. I do look good and a lot of the people that are mean to me I noticed are always ugly, or not attractive in a way, they were obese a lot of the times, or missing teeth, sometimes very young, sometimes very old, sometimes I had such bad days even good looking people scoffed at me. I know there were days I didn't get it together right, but I also knew it was not the worst issue in the world. People screaming at me and laughing at me is not less bad than what I am doing, they treated me like a whore, every where I went, not to mention the prejudice from anywhere I went were I needed from a store, or just getting on a bus when I was treated mean or with disgust. I had short hair, I never wore make up, and through all of the terror others caused me there'd be some who would try and fuck me. One guy on a crowded train grabbed my ass and I tried to push him off but he made sure to get a tight grip of it. People would tell me I was pretty, then people would tell me I was ugly.
I learned a lot from this. Why anyone had anything to say to me I can't understand. Becoming a tranny becomes like other peoples personal business immediately and they must let you know about it. I mean one day a guy told me I was "the most beautiful girl he had seen all day". I got comments like that all the time, when I opened my mouth I said something like "aw thanks" I tried to sound feminine but it wasn't enough, and they started laughing and screaming at me something he said, "Oh I was just playing man, I was just playing man." It was so humiliating, nothing I have ever felt has made me want to die so quickly. Just walking down the street there was nothing I could do. I don't know what it is people have such a problem with in the first place. A girl wears these same types of jeans, a girl wears these shirts, a girl carries this hand bag, a girl does her hair like this. When I do it I wasn't trying to 'be' anything except myself, I know I'm in an in between phase, like I've seen lots of trannies. If nobody else in the world was doing it I would understand, "why are you dressed like that?" because I would look different, but I'm wearing all the same stuff as that person right there who is a girl! So why am I treated so bad? If they are concerned on if I take it up the ass or not, I don't get why they would care. Do they want to fuck a girl in the ass? Uh, usually the answer is yes nobody cares if a girl is fucked in the ass so where does the problem come for anyone else? I'm not taking it up the ass anyways because I'm not having sex, thus not trying to dress up sexual, thus clocked everywhere I go and treated like a whore, and in turn making my life miserable.
You can't live your life fighting everybody. I can't walk down the street telling this person on this street to shut the fuck up, then beat up a person on the next block, then cuss someone out on the next street, then fight with the bus driver, then argue with the grocery clerk, then go back home and walk down the same streets doing the same thing. Next day do it again. If that's how I want to live then I might as well learn some form of karate and I do want to but mostly for protection. So people live there lives that way making fun of me. I would get home and rush over to my full length mirror to see if something fell out of place, to see if my shirt was wrong, my pants, my hair, anything! Never was I ever embarrassed by what I wore. People were just humiliating me because I wasn't a whore and I couldn't afford to wear anything more presentable. It is very difficult to explain. I can't make it any clearer.
6 months have gone by like this. This guy who wanted me to come to live with him and buy me clothes, buy me the internet, buy me boobs, buy me anything, he was very sweet with me. He offered me a cell phone for free just to meet him, just so I could call him if I ever wanted and we did not have to "do" anything. He told me he cared for me, he told me he would come get me any time. It was very tempting. It was something I flirted with several times over the past 6 months. I would check my email when I was freaking out and I couldn't take it anymore and there would be an email from him, a day or week or so old. Even now I'm sure if I check there is one because the last time I did just to see if there was there was last month. I even made times with him to meet and then canceled. Who could live with them self? For the first time in my life I had made the decision to become celibate and I had to give that up to escape this nightmare? It seemed pretty tempting but it was just what felt like an endless uphill battle. I kept sending messages to DLD, and I am SO sorry DLD, I was just freaking out so much some days. I never meant to do that, every message I sent you I would be sobbing. If you hated me I would even totally understand. Had it not been one of the worst things I had to have been ever going through I would probably have handled it so much better. I quit smoking pot and that helped for the best but it was too late I was already in too deep of trouble. I would send DLD message after message and not getting a response usually I could understand why. What does any of this have to do with him, why couldn't I just move on?
Everyday I would spend the day working around getting online, to post on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]. If I was going to leave posting on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] I would never had had to leave to post on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]. It was a double edge sword. If I quit posting I had no reason to not be celibate- at the time. The first few months I would have never stayed celibate if I didn't have the comradery of celibacy. There was no way I could have done it. Then I would have just gone with the guy who would buy me the internet, then I would never have had to leave in the first place thus I would have had to give up my celibacy and fail at what I really wanted. What kind of options are those? So I HAD to show up everyday and post. Maybe some days I could have stopped but it became my everything. Like I said I spent 45 minutes one way to get to the computer lab that opened at 10am and I had 2 library cards with different names. You could sign up with one card for 2 hours. Some how I was blessed because some days it was a necessity to spend more than 3 hours. Then it was a 45 minute ride home, at night, in bad neighborhoods. I couldn't sign on and leave so I had to stay at a computer all day. Before all of this I use to sign on at 7am and post, show up in the afternoon, post, and post at night. Now I spent the whole middle of the day online and at night before I would go to bed I would walk down to a computer shop by my run down apartment, in the dirt nasty streets of the ghetto, and pay to get online for 30 minutes or so. Whenever I read this thread I feel emotional, I wanted to keep a record of everything that was going on. I even kept it very very brief I guess you can say and left out details because they were so disgusting I'm sure someone would have said to stop posting and they even did still. Then even still it makes me pretty sick to browse through it. I'm glad its here maybe one day it could help somebody, maybe it will make a really good story, maybe it really will help me write my book. Maybe it has no purpose at all. Maybe no one ever reads the damn thing. Maybe I have been signing on the computer and spending all my energy and hard work writing this for nothing. I don't know why it happen. Sometimes I feel like I have 3,000 post of bullshit. Thats why I'm so sorry I sent you those messages DLD but I had to. There were nights I was freaking out I couldn't handle it on my own and you are one of the only one I cared about.
I have talked with lots of guys in PM's on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]. I helped a lot of guys with Penis Enlargement, and even talked through several conversations of sexuality with a few. I have met other awesome Mods in PM's and even gotten into fights with others. I couldn't ever stop posting because if I stopped posting I would never had to stop posting. Do yo understand what that means now? Do you know how horrible that actually is? Do you know how terrified I felt everyday and how nobody was ever there to fix it or take it away? And no one sees this, ever. I have poured my heart out in threads I made and spent hours composing them, and taken days to get them perfect, and sacrificed everything I could ever do to write them and they have zero responses. I understand it really. Some of the threads I have made have been ridiculous. Some I was so high at the time they made so much sense only later to look back and wonder what I was thinking. Other times I would just fill up my own thread with responses of nonsense for myself since nobody would reply. Then nobody really wouldn't reply. And other times there just wasn't anybody else to reply. I have only been here just over a year and I have seen so many people come and go, there have been times I was pretty sure DLD just made new profiles just to keep things running. Now I am sure that was just anxiety getting the best of me because all of signs that say it is true all tell me he does not do that. But when I thought he did I made several profiles too, and it was fun for a while, then it just became a mess with everything else.
How could I expect it not to? After all I have been through and harassing DLD with the most indecent messages and he would respond telling me to knock it off or not respond at all, how could I really expect things to not turn out horribly ruined. I learned how to write a hell of a lot better. I proved to myself that I could "not have sex" what a such huge feat. I feel so overwhelmed with trauma I feel like I have a whole new onslaught of issues. I never had some of the type of anxiety I have now, my depression is worse than ever, I have a new kind of anger, and etc, etc. etc. When I first began having trouble 6 or more years ago I applied for SSI and I was denied, every time. I always reapplied and the truth is I always qualified way back then. When I was 20 I was the sickest I had ever been, and now I can say it is not like when I was sick then. Now I have problems like lots of people. Since I didn't have the help back then everything got worse for me. I went through such a bad experience every job I had I would not be able to hold. I have seen doctors every year since it happen. My mom kept ALL the paper work from ALL the doctors I saw which is stacks and stacks of paper work. It is because of her I was approved of SSI this month. We never thought it was going to happen and if it didn't happen I don't know how I would have made it even one more month in August. When they told me in May I was approved the rest of May and every single day in June I struggled almost harder than ever. I had such bad anxiety I thought I wouldn't make it to July. If they didn't approve me I have no idea how I would have survived. Actually I was on the verge of a new job, and I even have heard of a really good job opportunity this week that is under the table and that is how I am going to keep hustlin while I'm on SSI.
But this last month was one of the worst. Now that they are going to approve it I have gotten all the paper work that says in July I will get my 1st check. This week I was in bed and suddenly I started itching really bad. My sheets were clean but I washed them again. I was still itching really bad so I put my mattress and sheets outside in the sun, and I was still itching really bad, I sprayed for bugs, cleaned my room, stuck my mattress and sheets outside again and I was so itchy for 2 nights I have not slept. This is 1 1/2 weeks before I am supposed to get money. There are bugs in my room now, I can feel them crawling all over me. They are invisible and you can't see what they are. I have no idea what they are the people in the building have never even heard of this. They are coming to look at it today. If I wasn't getting money what the fuck would I have done!!? I could not have handled this. Whatever they are they are infesting everything I own, in my clothes, in my bag. It is the most gruesome end to my nightmare. Why not? 2 weeks before I can leave why not infect me with some horrible insect where I sleep? I am not getting very much backpay but it is enough to move and maybe for breast implants one day- the next 2 years. I'm hoping to sign up with a tranny adult entertainment company and do personal masturbation films and I realized that probably pays some money. I was looking at their models and there models are I'm embarrassed to say fucking ugly! I was like damn they are going to love me. I just needed laser and longer hair. Now I am going to have those things.
Dude that was so horrible and nobody say, "if it was bad who cares when its over" because it matters that you went through it. It matters if you laugh at death when you are struggling through hell every single day. When the Devil is offering you the world and accepting it would be accepting fate. It matters that you wanted to die day after day because when you do finally make it out you feel like you have been traumatized and I don't care what anyone says, that is not good for anybody. It is not healthy for a person to feel like they have the shakes at every loud bang, and anxiety somebody is going to break into your apartment and kill you, or somebody is going to try and rape you, or somebody is going to try and get you arrested, and that is what I have been going through. And it matters when you finally do escape because nobody wants those memories. I have sure learned a lot I have sure grown as a person a lot, but I have been long time ago had my fair share of torture and this icing on the cake I could have done without. Hell, it is over, so there is nothing you can do BUT move on, but I could have learned just as much had I not had to suffer so bad. The truth is I learned how ignorant and fucked up people are I feel violent about it and I actually hate people in a way I have never hated before. Sure it was for a reason one day I'm sure I will find out.
I hate those eHarmony commercials because they segregate gay people from their site and that is the ignorance I now hate I once did not care about. It never bothered me people hated people for their sexual orientation. Sure I knew it was wrong and unfair but after this I feel violently angry. So there it is that finally clicked and this is finally over. When I get the new updates of my laser and if the stomach diet thing works I will post pictures here and close this thread.
When my mom made me leave in January I was really mad because it wasn't fair my options were very limited I practically didn't have any. I couldn't stay mad at her though because I got on hormones which is a big big deal to me and she helped me with things I desperatly needed the whole time. If it wasn't for her I would have probably had no choice but to give up and whore myself. That was just a terribly horrible long and painful experience. Can you imagine what it feels like to feel like you are making the best break through of your life and understanding such a huge new way about yourself, only for your own mom to hate you, and the next best step is to throw everything away, and be forced into fucking?! I don't think I am very clear about it, it has truly been that way. It is very disturbing and made me sick many nights. Originally my plan was to go straight into a shelter, find work and Idda been ok. I got temporary assistance from the government, and I was ready to take the step outside alone again. But when I got there I sat in a waiting room all day and they told me to come back, I sat there again a whole day and was told to come back, and this repeated for literally weeks. When I finally saw someone they told me if I had been a year younger there were 2 places they could have put me right away, but since I was 26 I was put on a waiting list.
So I ended up nowhere but in that damn waiting room hour after hour, day after day, until finally I found a run down little apartment in the ghetto I could afford with my government supported income. The only problem was for my plan to work was I needed that money for laser and stuff. Instead I had to use it to pay rent and the apartment was so gross. Well the year before in 2010 I had thrown away ALL my clothes remember? I had nothing literally except for 2 shirts and a pair of pants. I wore those 2 shirts and pair of pants everyday for months. I slowly collected a few other shirts and pants, but usually it was just to replace the previous pair this is when my mom helped me. I had facial hair literally for the 1st time in my life!! Never had I grown a full beard and when I shaved it was the first time there was ever a shadow left; it was foreign to me. I have had razor burn for the first time ever and break outs from shaving. Ever since I have been struggling with that. There is nothing worse than being dressed up in little girl clothes that don't even look good the 1st day you wear them, not to mention the 3rd, 4th, and 5th month you are wearing them. Then I had this horrible hair on my face and people gave me HELL.
My living nightmare was just beginning. I was still getting hit on like that because the truth is I am cute. I do look good and a lot of the people that are mean to me I noticed are always ugly, or not attractive in a way, they were obese a lot of the times, or missing teeth, sometimes very young, sometimes very old, sometimes I had such bad days even good looking people scoffed at me. I know there were days I didn't get it together right, but I also knew it was not the worst issue in the world. People screaming at me and laughing at me is not less bad than what I am doing, they treated me like a whore, every where I went, not to mention the prejudice from anywhere I went were I needed from a store, or just getting on a bus when I was treated mean or with disgust. I had short hair, I never wore make up, and through all of the terror others caused me there'd be some who would try and fuck me. One guy on a crowded train grabbed my ass and I tried to push him off but he made sure to get a tight grip of it. People would tell me I was pretty, then people would tell me I was ugly.
I learned a lot from this. Why anyone had anything to say to me I can't understand. Becoming a tranny becomes like other peoples personal business immediately and they must let you know about it. I mean one day a guy told me I was "the most beautiful girl he had seen all day". I got comments like that all the time, when I opened my mouth I said something like "aw thanks" I tried to sound feminine but it wasn't enough, and they started laughing and screaming at me something he said, "Oh I was just playing man, I was just playing man." It was so humiliating, nothing I have ever felt has made me want to die so quickly. Just walking down the street there was nothing I could do. I don't know what it is people have such a problem with in the first place. A girl wears these same types of jeans, a girl wears these shirts, a girl carries this hand bag, a girl does her hair like this. When I do it I wasn't trying to 'be' anything except myself, I know I'm in an in between phase, like I've seen lots of trannies. If nobody else in the world was doing it I would understand, "why are you dressed like that?" because I would look different, but I'm wearing all the same stuff as that person right there who is a girl! So why am I treated so bad? If they are concerned on if I take it up the ass or not, I don't get why they would care. Do they want to fuck a girl in the ass? Uh, usually the answer is yes nobody cares if a girl is fucked in the ass so where does the problem come for anyone else? I'm not taking it up the ass anyways because I'm not having sex, thus not trying to dress up sexual, thus clocked everywhere I go and treated like a whore, and in turn making my life miserable.
You can't live your life fighting everybody. I can't walk down the street telling this person on this street to shut the fuck up, then beat up a person on the next block, then cuss someone out on the next street, then fight with the bus driver, then argue with the grocery clerk, then go back home and walk down the same streets doing the same thing. Next day do it again. If that's how I want to live then I might as well learn some form of karate and I do want to but mostly for protection. So people live there lives that way making fun of me. I would get home and rush over to my full length mirror to see if something fell out of place, to see if my shirt was wrong, my pants, my hair, anything! Never was I ever embarrassed by what I wore. People were just humiliating me because I wasn't a whore and I couldn't afford to wear anything more presentable. It is very difficult to explain. I can't make it any clearer.
6 months have gone by like this. This guy who wanted me to come to live with him and buy me clothes, buy me the internet, buy me boobs, buy me anything, he was very sweet with me. He offered me a cell phone for free just to meet him, just so I could call him if I ever wanted and we did not have to "do" anything. He told me he cared for me, he told me he would come get me any time. It was very tempting. It was something I flirted with several times over the past 6 months. I would check my email when I was freaking out and I couldn't take it anymore and there would be an email from him, a day or week or so old. Even now I'm sure if I check there is one because the last time I did just to see if there was there was last month. I even made times with him to meet and then canceled. Who could live with them self? For the first time in my life I had made the decision to become celibate and I had to give that up to escape this nightmare? It seemed pretty tempting but it was just what felt like an endless uphill battle. I kept sending messages to DLD, and I am SO sorry DLD, I was just freaking out so much some days. I never meant to do that, every message I sent you I would be sobbing. If you hated me I would even totally understand. Had it not been one of the worst things I had to have been ever going through I would probably have handled it so much better. I quit smoking pot and that helped for the best but it was too late I was already in too deep of trouble. I would send DLD message after message and not getting a response usually I could understand why. What does any of this have to do with him, why couldn't I just move on?
Everyday I would spend the day working around getting online, to post on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]. If I was going to leave posting on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] I would never had had to leave to post on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]. It was a double edge sword. If I quit posting I had no reason to not be celibate- at the time. The first few months I would have never stayed celibate if I didn't have the comradery of celibacy. There was no way I could have done it. Then I would have just gone with the guy who would buy me the internet, then I would never have had to leave in the first place thus I would have had to give up my celibacy and fail at what I really wanted. What kind of options are those? So I HAD to show up everyday and post. Maybe some days I could have stopped but it became my everything. Like I said I spent 45 minutes one way to get to the computer lab that opened at 10am and I had 2 library cards with different names. You could sign up with one card for 2 hours. Some how I was blessed because some days it was a necessity to spend more than 3 hours. Then it was a 45 minute ride home, at night, in bad neighborhoods. I couldn't sign on and leave so I had to stay at a computer all day. Before all of this I use to sign on at 7am and post, show up in the afternoon, post, and post at night. Now I spent the whole middle of the day online and at night before I would go to bed I would walk down to a computer shop by my run down apartment, in the dirt nasty streets of the ghetto, and pay to get online for 30 minutes or so. Whenever I read this thread I feel emotional, I wanted to keep a record of everything that was going on. I even kept it very very brief I guess you can say and left out details because they were so disgusting I'm sure someone would have said to stop posting and they even did still. Then even still it makes me pretty sick to browse through it. I'm glad its here maybe one day it could help somebody, maybe it will make a really good story, maybe it really will help me write my book. Maybe it has no purpose at all. Maybe no one ever reads the damn thing. Maybe I have been signing on the computer and spending all my energy and hard work writing this for nothing. I don't know why it happen. Sometimes I feel like I have 3,000 post of bullshit. Thats why I'm so sorry I sent you those messages DLD but I had to. There were nights I was freaking out I couldn't handle it on my own and you are one of the only one I cared about.
I have talked with lots of guys in PM's on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]. I helped a lot of guys with Penis Enlargement, and even talked through several conversations of sexuality with a few. I have met other awesome Mods in PM's and even gotten into fights with others. I couldn't ever stop posting because if I stopped posting I would never had to stop posting. Do yo understand what that means now? Do you know how horrible that actually is? Do you know how terrified I felt everyday and how nobody was ever there to fix it or take it away? And no one sees this, ever. I have poured my heart out in threads I made and spent hours composing them, and taken days to get them perfect, and sacrificed everything I could ever do to write them and they have zero responses. I understand it really. Some of the threads I have made have been ridiculous. Some I was so high at the time they made so much sense only later to look back and wonder what I was thinking. Other times I would just fill up my own thread with responses of nonsense for myself since nobody would reply. Then nobody really wouldn't reply. And other times there just wasn't anybody else to reply. I have only been here just over a year and I have seen so many people come and go, there have been times I was pretty sure DLD just made new profiles just to keep things running. Now I am sure that was just anxiety getting the best of me because all of signs that say it is true all tell me he does not do that. But when I thought he did I made several profiles too, and it was fun for a while, then it just became a mess with everything else.
How could I expect it not to? After all I have been through and harassing DLD with the most indecent messages and he would respond telling me to knock it off or not respond at all, how could I really expect things to not turn out horribly ruined. I learned how to write a hell of a lot better. I proved to myself that I could "not have sex" what a such huge feat. I feel so overwhelmed with trauma I feel like I have a whole new onslaught of issues. I never had some of the type of anxiety I have now, my depression is worse than ever, I have a new kind of anger, and etc, etc. etc. When I first began having trouble 6 or more years ago I applied for SSI and I was denied, every time. I always reapplied and the truth is I always qualified way back then. When I was 20 I was the sickest I had ever been, and now I can say it is not like when I was sick then. Now I have problems like lots of people. Since I didn't have the help back then everything got worse for me. I went through such a bad experience every job I had I would not be able to hold. I have seen doctors every year since it happen. My mom kept ALL the paper work from ALL the doctors I saw which is stacks and stacks of paper work. It is because of her I was approved of SSI this month. We never thought it was going to happen and if it didn't happen I don't know how I would have made it even one more month in August. When they told me in May I was approved the rest of May and every single day in June I struggled almost harder than ever. I had such bad anxiety I thought I wouldn't make it to July. If they didn't approve me I have no idea how I would have survived. Actually I was on the verge of a new job, and I even have heard of a really good job opportunity this week that is under the table and that is how I am going to keep hustlin while I'm on SSI.
But this last month was one of the worst. Now that they are going to approve it I have gotten all the paper work that says in July I will get my 1st check. This week I was in bed and suddenly I started itching really bad. My sheets were clean but I washed them again. I was still itching really bad so I put my mattress and sheets outside in the sun, and I was still itching really bad, I sprayed for bugs, cleaned my room, stuck my mattress and sheets outside again and I was so itchy for 2 nights I have not slept. This is 1 1/2 weeks before I am supposed to get money. There are bugs in my room now, I can feel them crawling all over me. They are invisible and you can't see what they are. I have no idea what they are the people in the building have never even heard of this. They are coming to look at it today. If I wasn't getting money what the fuck would I have done!!? I could not have handled this. Whatever they are they are infesting everything I own, in my clothes, in my bag. It is the most gruesome end to my nightmare. Why not? 2 weeks before I can leave why not infect me with some horrible insect where I sleep? I am not getting very much backpay but it is enough to move and maybe for breast implants one day- the next 2 years. I'm hoping to sign up with a tranny adult entertainment company and do personal masturbation films and I realized that probably pays some money. I was looking at their models and there models are I'm embarrassed to say fucking ugly! I was like damn they are going to love me. I just needed laser and longer hair. Now I am going to have those things.
Dude that was so horrible and nobody say, "if it was bad who cares when its over" because it matters that you went through it. It matters if you laugh at death when you are struggling through hell every single day. When the Devil is offering you the world and accepting it would be accepting fate. It matters that you wanted to die day after day because when you do finally make it out you feel like you have been traumatized and I don't care what anyone says, that is not good for anybody. It is not healthy for a person to feel like they have the shakes at every loud bang, and anxiety somebody is going to break into your apartment and kill you, or somebody is going to try and rape you, or somebody is going to try and get you arrested, and that is what I have been going through. And it matters when you finally do escape because nobody wants those memories. I have sure learned a lot I have sure grown as a person a lot, but I have been long time ago had my fair share of torture and this icing on the cake I could have done without. Hell, it is over, so there is nothing you can do BUT move on, but I could have learned just as much had I not had to suffer so bad. The truth is I learned how ignorant and fucked up people are I feel violent about it and I actually hate people in a way I have never hated before. Sure it was for a reason one day I'm sure I will find out.
I hate those eHarmony commercials because they segregate gay people from their site and that is the ignorance I now hate I once did not care about. It never bothered me people hated people for their sexual orientation. Sure I knew it was wrong and unfair but after this I feel violently angry. So there it is that finally clicked and this is finally over. When I get the new updates of my laser and if the stomach diet thing works I will post pictures here and close this thread.
I was looking at some old pictures and I was shocked how much tissue has grown under my chest. I must have little A cups by now. That really makes me feel good and happy. Last night I jerked off twice and both times I am pretty sure no jizz came out. So that made me a little sad. I like everything else though so it is only one thing I have to put up with for the changes I want. The androgen blockers were making me hella depressed the first week or so! Now I can't even notice them. It feels like any other regular day before I started them. So that is a major plus. I am very excited because I will be coming back to [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] in about 1 week! So I've been dreaming of that the past 6+ months and now in my 7th month it has come. I am going to buy the internet and can stop hiking to places with Wifi. I almost have like depression that is going to be over. I watched a documentary on guys in Solitary Confinement. They said Loneliness is effected by the same place in the brain that is associated with physical pain. I can understand that. I have had to deal with a lot of that in my life and I know others have also. I use to be grounded to my room all through Highschool and that fucked up my social life so I starting developing that social dysfunction back then. I have been living out here in this ghetto ass city for going on 7 months and not one night did I go out and just have fun really for a night. I only went to dinner with my family. I have never been into the club scene, I use to like raves a lot but I feel too old for that anymore, I don't drink or smoke or anything, so I don't know what I would do on a Friday or Saturday night. Its not like it really bothers me either. I have lots of fun on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] so some of the nights that were the best was when I could spend the night at my moms and hang around until 1 in the morning and get up at 6am or 8am and log back in real quick without getting out of bed! Now I will be able to do that everyday! Its going to be so much fun.
I was watching this show last night about tattoos and this lady walked in and I knew right away she must have been a transsexual or a lady with lots of plastic surgery on her face, but she sounded extremely feminine, and she had huge boobs and was very curvy so I had to see if she was or not after the commercial. Of course she was and she didn't try and hide it. She had no fucking hair(probably to wear fancy wigs) and a bunch of tattoos. She was so hot all the guys were staring at her and even the guy giving her the tattoo said he might get a little wild with her before she told him that she was what she was. When she told him the guy started stuttering and said "oh you were a boy, o you were born a boy, o you are a girl no you are a boy, no you were not born a girl??" They were talking about it and he was like Nah its cool you should be able to be however you are and blah blah blah, and the other guy was like well I was staring at those things! Because she had huge implants. Well at first I was really sad as always because like this lady is perfectly passable and I was feeling like so ugly. All these guys treat her exactly how she should be treated but being where I am it is not the same at where she is. She is like on level 1,000 and I am on like level 100
I turned off the t.v. after her appearance and I was lying in bed feeling like out of place. I knew she was like slutty she gave the hint she has plenty of boyfriends. This morning I was thinking about it and I was not feeling so bad because I realized she was someone I could aspire to, and I am just not going to become a slut behind it. She was really attractive and I know I can be that too and she was like me at one time. I could have skipped ahead and jumped into surgeries and all that but the truth is I am not ready for doing that at least another couple years before the hormones start taking effect. I swear if I did not get out of this when I did this month I don't know, I don't what would happen I am really at the end of my rope. That has to be because of God. There has to be something like that. Because I felt like I might lose for a while there and for some reason I made it. I am not losing I can actually do this on my own!
I am looking forward to starting a new progress thread soon in the next couple weeks I know my next thread is going to be the thread I actually feel proud of. I'm really liking the effects of the androgen blockers. I can see in the mornings my face has very little hair and it looks rounder. I am getting laser in about 1 week too. That will be a huge change for me. I think it was a really good experience for me to not have sex all this time. Now I that I am going to be on my own I can have a much better chance of making the best out of myself.
I was watching this show last night about tattoos and this lady walked in and I knew right away she must have been a transsexual or a lady with lots of plastic surgery on her face, but she sounded extremely feminine, and she had huge boobs and was very curvy so I had to see if she was or not after the commercial. Of course she was and she didn't try and hide it. She had no fucking hair(probably to wear fancy wigs) and a bunch of tattoos. She was so hot all the guys were staring at her and even the guy giving her the tattoo said he might get a little wild with her before she told him that she was what she was. When she told him the guy started stuttering and said "oh you were a boy, o you were born a boy, o you are a girl no you are a boy, no you were not born a girl??" They were talking about it and he was like Nah its cool you should be able to be however you are and blah blah blah, and the other guy was like well I was staring at those things! Because she had huge implants. Well at first I was really sad as always because like this lady is perfectly passable and I was feeling like so ugly. All these guys treat her exactly how she should be treated but being where I am it is not the same at where she is. She is like on level 1,000 and I am on like level 100
I turned off the t.v. after her appearance and I was lying in bed feeling like out of place. I knew she was like slutty she gave the hint she has plenty of boyfriends. This morning I was thinking about it and I was not feeling so bad because I realized she was someone I could aspire to, and I am just not going to become a slut behind it. She was really attractive and I know I can be that too and she was like me at one time. I could have skipped ahead and jumped into surgeries and all that but the truth is I am not ready for doing that at least another couple years before the hormones start taking effect. I swear if I did not get out of this when I did this month I don't know, I don't what would happen I am really at the end of my rope. That has to be because of God. There has to be something like that. Because I felt like I might lose for a while there and for some reason I made it. I am not losing I can actually do this on my own!I am looking forward to starting a new progress thread soon in the next couple weeks I know my next thread is going to be the thread I actually feel proud of. I'm really liking the effects of the androgen blockers. I can see in the mornings my face has very little hair and it looks rounder. I am getting laser in about 1 week too. That will be a huge change for me. I think it was a really good experience for me to not have sex all this time. Now I that I am going to be on my own I can have a much better chance of making the best out of myself.
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SO I was in the middle of a great post here yesterday, everything was flowing beautifully, and then someone saw me who was ever so shocked to run into me of course. They sat and waited for me to get done typing, well I totally lost my train of thought. If it wasn't bad enough I was so tired yesterday I left several points out in more than one post yesterday. I was trying to decide if I wanted to update the last post, but whenever I do that I lose the momentum I had and it doesn't come back in the recent post. There were a couple things I wanted to add.
Mostly I was just going to go over what I usually do probably. It helps me get my head wrapped around it. I was going to say not going out and seeing friends any weekends is a personal choice. I could do that if I wanted. Many have attempted, 0% have succeeded. I just do what I like to do and I like going to bed early and getting up early for right now. I was also thinking I shouldn't say that I feel ugly as I just feel premature. It helps if I see other people and just see prejudice for what it is. I don't have to walk around afraid someone is going to harass me as bad. If I just think of it as prejudice and see them as a person that is that low of a life form then I feel better. I also remember that if I was dressing in cute outfits like I really would be otherwise guys are always after me, hitting on me, talking to me...so I can't dress masculine because then I'm not happy, so I am somewhere sort of in the middle. Then I get harassed. Don't get me wrong I am cute, right now I really like how I look, I found a hat I can wear to keep my hair from blowing straight back in the wind and I don't think I've been tormented by the public since wearing it. The only thing is the razor leaves my cheeks smooth, or like a shadow, and that is a dead give away...but its not ugly. I just have to think how wrong it is to be prejudice bottom line and not to give that any power.
My penis has been hurting of course. I am on supplements that stop the natural production of testosterone and replace it with estrogen. So for a while my balls were in some pain. When I stretch when I get into the Mandingo stretch, for example, it feels kind of like a burning pain. I do not warm up first and I never really have been this year. I tried doing some stretching in the shower and that helped but I could not keep a good grip obviously. I am really excited about getting out of this place finally and stretching. One day I am going to get those pictures I always said I would. Its going to happen sometimes things just take longer than you wanted. That is definitely one thing I learned. I feel like I may have just been released from a prison sentence next week. The bugs in my apartment are the worrrrst. Can't sleep, very uncomfortable. Had a couple more violent dreams recently. The anger is still apparent and rightfully so. The answer to that is I chose this way to go. Wasn't much of a choice sometimes but I don't think of it as I have failed at anything. Only I have accomplished more than I would have ever believed in myself. Even though it got pretty fucked up for a while, not only could it have been a lot worse, but I have it so much better than lots of people who are like me. I could have not had half of the knowledge I had and I never would have made it through this. I wanted to give up so many days on a regular basis, even now it happens. I don't really know how I make it. There is an instinct in me that just fights for what I want. The thought I think about when that happens is that I have always made a decision and then done it. Nobodys gonna change my mind nothing is going to make me feel bad about it. When I say this is what I am going to do then I do it. I haven't ever had this much trouble but when I feel like giving up I just feel like I haven't finished what I started yet. So everyday is like a day closer.
As for everything else I wonder how much is going to change when I am not living in such a stressful environment anymore. Since I had never been a part of any other forum before and when I started posting in this one I just threw it all out on the table. Now my posts feel so much understandable. I am a part of a transgendered forum and I only have maybe 15 posts currently only post once or twice on the weekends, every post there is like this post is here. Detailed, constructively written, to a point. As much as this one can be. This post is extra complex. So anyways enough of all that, fucking computers I swear* What I really like talking about is being a girl of course. I feel like I haven't heard my own voice for so long sometimes. What do I sound like? What does my posts look like, is this how I really sound? I wanted to keep writing because I didn't want to forget anything and I just remembered I have been working really hard on my voice. Damn that is a difficult obstacle. But I am getting better at it all the time. But I never really have fun conversations. Sometimes the dudes in my apartment talk and its cool but they are such losers. Not to be mean we are just on complete different levels. This morning I was leaning on my side and was checking out my boobs and I am surprised at how they have grown. They are totally like boobs now. When I put on a shirt the difference is extremely noticeable to me. I saw some dried up white stuff on my nipples and was scratching it off in the shower and saw the nipple looks really clear at the tip. Thinking is is discharge? Well that is all for now. I could keep writing and writing. And I will.
Mostly I was just going to go over what I usually do probably. It helps me get my head wrapped around it. I was going to say not going out and seeing friends any weekends is a personal choice. I could do that if I wanted. Many have attempted, 0% have succeeded. I just do what I like to do and I like going to bed early and getting up early for right now. I was also thinking I shouldn't say that I feel ugly as I just feel premature. It helps if I see other people and just see prejudice for what it is. I don't have to walk around afraid someone is going to harass me as bad. If I just think of it as prejudice and see them as a person that is that low of a life form then I feel better. I also remember that if I was dressing in cute outfits like I really would be otherwise guys are always after me, hitting on me, talking to me...so I can't dress masculine because then I'm not happy, so I am somewhere sort of in the middle. Then I get harassed. Don't get me wrong I am cute, right now I really like how I look, I found a hat I can wear to keep my hair from blowing straight back in the wind and I don't think I've been tormented by the public since wearing it. The only thing is the razor leaves my cheeks smooth, or like a shadow, and that is a dead give away...but its not ugly. I just have to think how wrong it is to be prejudice bottom line and not to give that any power.
My penis has been hurting of course. I am on supplements that stop the natural production of testosterone and replace it with estrogen. So for a while my balls were in some pain. When I stretch when I get into the Mandingo stretch, for example, it feels kind of like a burning pain. I do not warm up first and I never really have been this year. I tried doing some stretching in the shower and that helped but I could not keep a good grip obviously. I am really excited about getting out of this place finally and stretching. One day I am going to get those pictures I always said I would. Its going to happen sometimes things just take longer than you wanted. That is definitely one thing I learned. I feel like I may have just been released from a prison sentence next week. The bugs in my apartment are the worrrrst. Can't sleep, very uncomfortable. Had a couple more violent dreams recently. The anger is still apparent and rightfully so. The answer to that is I chose this way to go. Wasn't much of a choice sometimes but I don't think of it as I have failed at anything. Only I have accomplished more than I would have ever believed in myself. Even though it got pretty fucked up for a while, not only could it have been a lot worse, but I have it so much better than lots of people who are like me. I could have not had half of the knowledge I had and I never would have made it through this. I wanted to give up so many days on a regular basis, even now it happens. I don't really know how I make it. There is an instinct in me that just fights for what I want. The thought I think about when that happens is that I have always made a decision and then done it. Nobodys gonna change my mind nothing is going to make me feel bad about it. When I say this is what I am going to do then I do it. I haven't ever had this much trouble but when I feel like giving up I just feel like I haven't finished what I started yet. So everyday is like a day closer.
As for everything else I wonder how much is going to change when I am not living in such a stressful environment anymore. Since I had never been a part of any other forum before and when I started posting in this one I just threw it all out on the table. Now my posts feel so much understandable. I am a part of a transgendered forum and I only have maybe 15 posts currently only post once or twice on the weekends, every post there is like this post is here. Detailed, constructively written, to a point. As much as this one can be. This post is extra complex. So anyways enough of all that, fucking computers I swear* What I really like talking about is being a girl of course. I feel like I haven't heard my own voice for so long sometimes. What do I sound like? What does my posts look like, is this how I really sound? I wanted to keep writing because I didn't want to forget anything and I just remembered I have been working really hard on my voice. Damn that is a difficult obstacle. But I am getting better at it all the time. But I never really have fun conversations. Sometimes the dudes in my apartment talk and its cool but they are such losers. Not to be mean we are just on complete different levels. This morning I was leaning on my side and was checking out my boobs and I am surprised at how they have grown. They are totally like boobs now. When I put on a shirt the difference is extremely noticeable to me. I saw some dried up white stuff on my nipples and was scratching it off in the shower and saw the nipple looks really clear at the tip. Thinking is is discharge? Well that is all for now. I could keep writing and writing. And I will.
I got the internet and some clothes and a few other things. Having trouble connecting the internet- working on it now, hopefully will have it up tonight. Things are going to start happening really fast now. Coming together- I was in a better mood earlier but I am kind of brought down a notch at the moment but I know deeply in my heart everything is going to work out. Lots and lots of people go through these same tests. It will all be OK my friends. 6/30/11
I came so close to smoking a cigarette the other day. I woulda had anybody in my apartment had a cigarette that day the 2 days I just couldn't take it anymore. I got my first check a day earlier than I expected and it wasn't a minute too soon. I spent so much money, at least it felt like it. I practically bought everything I needed; new kitchen utensils, clothes, the internet, writing supplies, make up, bathing supplies, food, heating pad, cold pack...it was just about everything on my list, and I still have a chunk of my first check left. Then a 2nd check came and it was just as much as the first one only 2 days later. I haven't even cashed it yet because I don't need it yet. I bought so many cute outfits, omg it is such an amazing feeling. I am happy to know after all this time I am still frugal. The first thing I did was walk way out to a store I wanted a cheap pair of sunglasses. I should have bought them months ago. I bought 5 pairs of sunglasses this year before I saw these. They were inexpensive but I just didn't want to spend anymore damn money on sunglasses. My other pairs kept breaking or they were not the right fit. It wasn't easy choosing the right glasses, but this time right after I bought them 3 people were smiling at me and said hello. One guy called me Mija when I hadn't even shaved yet on another day, and I wasn't even wearing new clothes yet after I bought them, but I was on my way to; SO it made a huge difference. They just fit the shape of my face better, you know.
Now I found a place to move in a nicer area in my price range and it will be my own studio with bathroom and kitchen! I'm going to see it tomorrow. I even kind of wasted $100 not trying too but I still have a good amount of cash left over with, and it was the smallest check I will have ever from this time forward. I haven't made an appointment for laser because they have been closed for Independence Day and do not reopen until Thurs, of course. My diets already doing great. I have been enjoying cooking all my own meals. Everyone is commenting on my weight, my chest has gone up a size and both my sisters say it is about an A now so they want to take me out to get a bra.
It has been really hot and my hair has been getting longer to my shoulders and over my eyebrows. Lucky timing! The heat has been unreal I think its the hottest weather I have lived in I guess bc I'm next to the beach, I might as well talk about this stretch I have been doing. I am laying in bed trying to masturbate it isn't easy getting hard with only mental stimulation some nights. So I lay there massaging myself hard and what I do is just stretch in all directions while trying to get hard. I get semi hard and then jst stretch it. If I wasn't on androgen blockers and a estrogen I would probably get erect. Instead I get this really cool stretch. Mostly it just feels like I am just playing with my penis all the time. I love playing with my dick. I kegel, stretch, massage, stretch, kegel, stretch, etc. Then I masturbate.n When I get my own place I am going to jack off probably like 20 times a day!
I came the other night and nothing came out except two small drips...it made me sad but that comes with the program. I think I have indeed lost some gains, but after I pump it looks bigger all the time. Must be the semi erections I get off with because the good erection I had a month or so ago was looking very nice, Very Nice I must say. The other day I finished a short pump and I was imagining 'someone' sucking it and I got chills all over my body. Flaccid it is long now, well longer. The other day I thought why am I even being a girl this is the worst experience, especially not having sex, it feels almost pointless. Then I was walking and then I was thinking I wouldn't ever want it to be any other way. It IS the best feeling in the world. I don't think of it as being a girl, I just think of it as being myself. I like being this way, i feel like I look better, and it feels good. Lots of girls have been talking to me. I even thought maybe I should go back to girls...lol...not going to happen. Every time I go through this I end up being with a chick and I just want to have a boyfriend this time. Sorry if that sounds gay. It doesn't sound gay at all to me for some reason. I am not like a gay person really, actually gay people get on my nerves a lot. Straight people are who I relate with, well at least the non-ignorant ones. Honest to God, I don't even believe ignorant straight people are "straight".
So everything is almost getting together. A couple more days and I'm sure I can post new pics and this will be a new life! It doesn't feel real, the 1st day felt like a rush. I didn't believe it was happening. I can breath, I can relax, I don't have to even do anything? This guy in my apartment has tons of connections with good shit and he is the one who can hook me up with the Sweet under the table job I can do from home. If everything pans out I should be making bank and Penis Enlargement like a motherfucker in August 2011! One thing is for sure having money makes me hella horny, more than I already was.
Now I found a place to move in a nicer area in my price range and it will be my own studio with bathroom and kitchen! I'm going to see it tomorrow. I even kind of wasted $100 not trying too but I still have a good amount of cash left over with, and it was the smallest check I will have ever from this time forward. I haven't made an appointment for laser because they have been closed for Independence Day and do not reopen until Thurs, of course. My diets already doing great. I have been enjoying cooking all my own meals. Everyone is commenting on my weight, my chest has gone up a size and both my sisters say it is about an A now so they want to take me out to get a bra.
It has been really hot and my hair has been getting longer to my shoulders and over my eyebrows. Lucky timing! The heat has been unreal I think its the hottest weather I have lived in I guess bc I'm next to the beach, I might as well talk about this stretch I have been doing. I am laying in bed trying to masturbate it isn't easy getting hard with only mental stimulation some nights. So I lay there massaging myself hard and what I do is just stretch in all directions while trying to get hard. I get semi hard and then jst stretch it. If I wasn't on androgen blockers and a estrogen I would probably get erect. Instead I get this really cool stretch. Mostly it just feels like I am just playing with my penis all the time. I love playing with my dick. I kegel, stretch, massage, stretch, kegel, stretch, etc. Then I masturbate.n When I get my own place I am going to jack off probably like 20 times a day!
I came the other night and nothing came out except two small drips...it made me sad but that comes with the program. I think I have indeed lost some gains, but after I pump it looks bigger all the time. Must be the semi erections I get off with because the good erection I had a month or so ago was looking very nice, Very Nice I must say. The other day I finished a short pump and I was imagining 'someone' sucking it and I got chills all over my body. Flaccid it is long now, well longer. The other day I thought why am I even being a girl this is the worst experience, especially not having sex, it feels almost pointless. Then I was walking and then I was thinking I wouldn't ever want it to be any other way. It IS the best feeling in the world. I don't think of it as being a girl, I just think of it as being myself. I like being this way, i feel like I look better, and it feels good. Lots of girls have been talking to me. I even thought maybe I should go back to girls...lol...not going to happen. Every time I go through this I end up being with a chick and I just want to have a boyfriend this time. Sorry if that sounds gay. It doesn't sound gay at all to me for some reason. I am not like a gay person really, actually gay people get on my nerves a lot. Straight people are who I relate with, well at least the non-ignorant ones. Honest to God, I don't even believe ignorant straight people are "straight".
So everything is almost getting together. A couple more days and I'm sure I can post new pics and this will be a new life! It doesn't feel real, the 1st day felt like a rush. I didn't believe it was happening. I can breath, I can relax, I don't have to even do anything? This guy in my apartment has tons of connections with good shit and he is the one who can hook me up with the Sweet under the table job I can do from home. If everything pans out I should be making bank and Penis Enlargement like a motherfucker in August 2011!
One thing is for sure having money makes me hella horny, more than I already was.
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WooooooHooooo, I got laser hair removal today. DAMN, no one told me how much it hurts!!!! Ok so I walked into a a busy restaurant and every single person sitting at the tables were looking at me. It felt so awkward. I thought I heard someone say, "thats a man" but it could have been anything I just hear that all the time even when there is no one saying it. I am not the kind of person who likes to be looked at, I have always been that way, I like to sort of blend in and not be noticed. Today it was different though, like every person around me was looking at me and not laughing, I realized it must be my new threads. People were looking at me because I look pretty today. I got hit on and even one guy tried to kiss me today! My hair is really pretty IMO and my new clothes are awesome....everywhere I went people were looking at me, but not noticing like before when I was struggling that I wasn't a gender female. The guys were all looking and the girls were looking through piercing eyes. I was thinking something must be attractive about a transsexual the way her body language is. Not like a bitch, I am all confidence, I can't help it I am too secure about the size of my penis and it influences the rest of my attitude.
Of course there are still the few who were there to hate on me. It usually sounds like if you said the way this is spelled, "pshhh". Did not notice any laughter. I saw too very large, (meaning tall and broad) Black women in the subway today. I thought they must be men! I got a good look at them and no they were just football player sized women. Much bigger than I am, in fact I am an average height normal for a woman just shorter is more desirable because lots of women view being petite as beautiful and it is. But these women walked through a crowd of people completely unnoticed. I thought how unfair it feels that they never have to go through the disapproving comments or shaking of heads at them and people saying WHAT THE FUCK as they glided through the busy station talking freely. If I was that big I would never be hearing the end of it JESUS! Two guys asked me about my tattoo, one grabbed my arm and tried to kiss my stars. I pulled my arm away and said "NO, I have a boyfriend!" He said does he have a small one or a big one? I said big and then I bought my ticket and he went one way and I went the other
I bought a whole bunch of stuff and I still have a bunch of money left over; it was fun. The guy who was supposed to let me check out the new studio totally flaked out on me and never showed back up to take me over there. I am trying not to get so pissed because I wasted a lot of time waiting for this motherfucker. I even lost a good amount of sleep over it. I guess its ok because the rent is a couple hundred more a month over there so I'm saving money staying here but I would rather spend the money and have my own apartment. Then I can focus on penis enlargement agaiiiin...
I got a refill of my Spironolactone. The effects are coming along beautifully and I finally got laser I am so so so happy that is finally done. I actually got a little nauseous shopping today because I realized once and for all this is it. Like this is the REAL thing! I am permanently removing my facial hair, and permanently doing things chemically in my body that will change everything about the way I am forever. I even thought, do I want to even really go through this?HAHAahaha, it was just purely excitement all morning and all afternoon and one thought of doubt for a moment that only lasted seconds. I think I scratched my head and then was like how the fuck else could I ever be any other way? Damn it feels so good even though people are so disapproving I really just had to teach myself to not care. I was just always such a happy-go-lucky person and this just made me so jaded. I had the same feeling when the guy tried to kiss me. For a second I considered it. The thought came to me, "and give up all of this that I have worked so hard for and built to give away to a stranger? There is no way he deserves it." You know? I also had an interesting moment with a really hot blonde. She was across the street on a bike talking on the phone. I caught her eye across the street and I kept trying not to look but I kept analyzing her features. I wondered if she was ever a boy? She was wearing a really short white sun dress with pink stripes in the middle and somewhat skin tight, not like a slut, it was very cute.
Then the light turned green and our eyes locked as we passed each other. She turned bright red and looked away and her smile was from ear to ear. I was smiling cuz I had just spent $100 and was really excited about my purchase. I didn't feel aroused, I'd say I thought about if we were to ever hang out. It was right after the thought about not wanting to be a girl or not. Then I was feeling really happy for a minute imagining asking her to hang out. Then I felt a horrible sadness in my chest and I felt so lonely. It felt so painful I almost cried. I passed 3 guys in business suits talking and they were sounding as stupid as ever. My shirt says in bright sparkling purple letters "I'm Cute" and then in plain white writing it says, "You're not, I can't believe how well this worked out!" and there is the little happy face bunny on the side of it. Then I passed a couple other guys walking the other way. And they all looked at me. I just felt so hungry for affection. Not sex just like flirting. I thought being young at my age this is the time when you really want to date and you really want to be in a relationship and you really want to hug and kiss someone else. I feel so fucked up because nobody is ever going to match up. Its like those stubborn girls in movies when they have been alone for years and they never date so her girlfriends all try and hook her up with some blind date because she is turning into a prune all alone. But she is not interested. I feel like that. Like yeah it would be nice but the thought of anybodys hands on me makes me want to stab someone. Just because- I'm not worthless, I'm like very unique and have a really outgoing personality and I have had to put up with too much shit when anybody would ever get me it would have to be someone who was only special enough to me that I could console in them my heart and confide in them. I thought about a hug from DLD and I felt like it was just sooo far away. I think because I have thought about it so much it just began to feel like a thought than anything more. Then I thought about imagining it was not good to do. For two reasons: one it is highly unlikely, and two if it were even likely imagination could never live up to the real thing. I thought its not good to think of because you should not make yourself believe something that could never be.
If it wasn't quite obvious I've got it bad, its just another sign of the end in 2012. Now everything is going great, beautiful, perfect, and here I am bringing up DLD again, like personally trying to destroy my own credibility that everything is going well. It just comes out because why should I hide truth about anything when I discuss every little aspect of my life, my penis, my balls, my body hair, my clothes, sex, relationships, emotions, even when I get a fucking cut on my finger you guys here about it. I say you guys. . . well, maybe I am a little self destructive. They say the original guitarist in KISS was like that. Maybe he was a perfectionist.
So otherwise it was overall a really fun day. I am so exhausted right now I have been ready to hit the sack for hours now but couldn't go before finishing my thoughts. You can't help it when you go through experiences that hold you accountable to devotion and passion. The truth will come out in the end. Who is right and who is wrong. It is important to fight and it is also important to know what battles to fight and what battles to let go. If you ever make decisions you regret look at them as a learning experience and try not to repeat it. If it is something you regret then you will learn a lot about what it feels like to go through the emotions of in-completion and incapability and advancement. It is best to take a step back and get what you can out of the experience and then it is also best not to let the experience be what drives you into a spiraling downward dive into despair. You should mature from it. It should be what fuels your motivation. Grow, and see what it is that makes life better to live without it. If you do not see anything maybe there is more there beyond the trees. Don't walk away without crossing over the terrain. You need to See what is on the other side.
Of course there are still the few who were there to hate on me. It usually sounds like if you said the way this is spelled, "pshhh". Did not notice any laughter. I saw too very large, (meaning tall and broad) Black women in the subway today. I thought they must be men! I got a good look at them and no they were just football player sized women. Much bigger than I am, in fact I am an average height normal for a woman just shorter is more desirable because lots of women view being petite as beautiful and it is. But these women walked through a crowd of people completely unnoticed. I thought how unfair it feels that they never have to go through the disapproving comments or shaking of heads at them and people saying WHAT THE FUCK as they glided through the busy station talking freely. If I was that big I would never be hearing the end of it JESUS! Two guys asked me about my tattoo, one grabbed my arm and tried to kiss my stars. I pulled my arm away and said "NO, I have a boyfriend!" He said does he have a small one or a big one? I said big and then I bought my ticket and he went one way and I went the other
I bought a whole bunch of stuff and I still have a bunch of money left over; it was fun. The guy who was supposed to let me check out the new studio totally flaked out on me and never showed back up to take me over there. I am trying not to get so pissed because I wasted a lot of time waiting for this motherfucker. I even lost a good amount of sleep over it. I guess its ok because the rent is a couple hundred more a month over there so I'm saving money staying here but I would rather spend the money and have my own apartment. Then I can focus on penis enlargement agaiiiin...
I got a refill of my Spironolactone. The effects are coming along beautifully and I finally got laser I am so so so happy that is finally done. I actually got a little nauseous shopping today because I realized once and for all this is it. Like this is the REAL thing! I am permanently removing my facial hair, and permanently doing things chemically in my body that will change everything about the way I am forever. I even thought, do I want to even really go through this?HAHAahaha, it was just purely excitement all morning and all afternoon and one thought of doubt for a moment that only lasted seconds. I think I scratched my head and then was like how the fuck else could I ever be any other way? Damn it feels so good even though people are so disapproving I really just had to teach myself to not care. I was just always such a happy-go-lucky person and this just made me so jaded. I had the same feeling when the guy tried to kiss me. For a second I considered it. The thought came to me, "and give up all of this that I have worked so hard for and built to give away to a stranger? There is no way he deserves it." You know? I also had an interesting moment with a really hot blonde. She was across the street on a bike talking on the phone. I caught her eye across the street and I kept trying not to look but I kept analyzing her features. I wondered if she was ever a boy? She was wearing a really short white sun dress with pink stripes in the middle and somewhat skin tight, not like a slut, it was very cute.
Then the light turned green and our eyes locked as we passed each other. She turned bright red and looked away and her smile was from ear to ear. I was smiling cuz I had just spent $100 and was really excited about my purchase. I didn't feel aroused, I'd say I thought about if we were to ever hang out. It was right after the thought about not wanting to be a girl or not. Then I was feeling really happy for a minute imagining asking her to hang out. Then I felt a horrible sadness in my chest and I felt so lonely. It felt so painful I almost cried. I passed 3 guys in business suits talking and they were sounding as stupid as ever. My shirt says in bright sparkling purple letters "I'm Cute" and then in plain white writing it says, "You're not, I can't believe how well this worked out!" and there is the little happy face bunny on the side of it.
Then I passed a couple other guys walking the other way. And they all looked at me. I just felt so hungry for affection. Not sex just like flirting. I thought being young at my age this is the time when you really want to date and you really want to be in a relationship and you really want to hug and kiss someone else. I feel so fucked up because nobody is ever going to match up. Its like those stubborn girls in movies when they have been alone for years and they never date so her girlfriends all try and hook her up with some blind date because she is turning into a prune all alone. But she is not interested. I feel like that. Like yeah it would be nice but the thought of anybodys hands on me makes me want to stab someone. Just because- I'm not worthless, I'm like very unique and have a really outgoing personality and I have had to put up with too much shit when anybody would ever get me it would have to be someone who was only special enough to me that I could console in them my heart and confide in them. I thought about a hug from DLD and I felt like it was just sooo far away. I think because I have thought about it so much it just began to feel like a thought than anything more. Then I thought about imagining it was not good to do. For two reasons: one it is highly unlikely, and two if it were even likely imagination could never live up to the real thing. I thought its not good to think of because you should not make yourself believe something that could never be. If it wasn't quite obvious I've got it bad, its just another sign of the end in 2012. Now everything is going great, beautiful, perfect, and here I am bringing up DLD again, like personally trying to destroy my own credibility that everything is going well. It just comes out because why should I hide truth about anything when I discuss every little aspect of my life, my penis, my balls, my body hair, my clothes, sex, relationships, emotions, even when I get a fucking cut on my finger you guys here about it. I say you guys. . . well, maybe I am a little self destructive. They say the original guitarist in KISS was like that. Maybe he was a perfectionist.
So otherwise it was overall a really fun day. I am so exhausted right now I have been ready to hit the sack for hours now but couldn't go before finishing my thoughts. You can't help it when you go through experiences that hold you accountable to devotion and passion. The truth will come out in the end. Who is right and who is wrong. It is important to fight and it is also important to know what battles to fight and what battles to let go. If you ever make decisions you regret look at them as a learning experience and try not to repeat it. If it is something you regret then you will learn a lot about what it feels like to go through the emotions of in-completion and incapability and advancement. It is best to take a step back and get what you can out of the experience and then it is also best not to let the experience be what drives you into a spiraling downward dive into despair. You should mature from it. It should be what fuels your motivation. Grow, and see what it is that makes life better to live without it. If you do not see anything maybe there is more there beyond the trees. Don't walk away without crossing over the terrain. You need to See what is on the other side.
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Turnover;440342 said:
You should have pulled your cock out and jam it down their throats....what bitches.
So how long did the hair removal take and how bad was the pain? How much does it cost, in my case I guess they would charge by the square foot
doublelongdaddy;440398 said:You should have pulled your cock out and jam it down their throats....what bitches.
So how long did the hair removal take and how bad was the pain? How much does it cost, in my case I guess they would charge by the square foot
Yeah, they would be all over this cock like a candy cane on Christmas; they don't deserve it!
Yeah if hurts, it feels like they are setting a small fire a blaze on your face, and it smells like they are lighting a horses fart on fire and then it singes the hair on its tail. It only takes 5min, fastest $100 I ever spent. I'll probably just go with the Tria after 1 more treatment in 3 weeks.
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Felt pretty good yesterday. Got to wear short shorts and I realized my mom never use to let me wear those. So I was checking out the tattoos on my legs and never even knew how fuckin cool they look. I thought they were kind of not good but they actually are nice because they fit right in the middle of my wide thighs.
I am working on the laser still. What happens is the hair dies, but it grows out about 2 mm and then you are supposedly supposed to be able to scratch it out, but its not falling out for me. So I plucked the entire goatee area. If you have ever plucked hair on your chin then imagine doing your whole face. I think if they ever had POW and wanted to get them to talk they could shave their face, let it grow out for a day or two, and then pluck every hair one by one without stopping- I'm not joking I think that could be like professional torture. The whole process has been painful- I'm even pretty sure the lady who lasered my face was a sadomasochist.
Anyways I'm thinking about getting it waxed later today my sister wants to go get a pedicure and I'm down for that. When I make the videos and pictures I want to have my nails done and the thing for my stomach so I'm thinking about getting that any day now. I was really hoping to have my own place this month because I'm very anxious about getting myself up on screen I think I'm just made for that I love doing that. I emailed a adult entertainment company about doing pro masturbating videos and they sent me an email back saying they would get back to me soon they have lots of emails. I think I trump most of their models not to brag just what I see. Well after about a month more its all going to be back together finally.....I'm back.
I am working on the laser still. What happens is the hair dies, but it grows out about 2 mm and then you are supposedly supposed to be able to scratch it out, but its not falling out for me. So I plucked the entire goatee area. If you have ever plucked hair on your chin then imagine doing your whole face. I think if they ever had POW and wanted to get them to talk they could shave their face, let it grow out for a day or two, and then pluck every hair one by one without stopping- I'm not joking I think that could be like professional torture. The whole process has been painful- I'm even pretty sure the lady who lasered my face was a sadomasochist.
Anyways I'm thinking about getting it waxed later today my sister wants to go get a pedicure and I'm down for that. When I make the videos and pictures I want to have my nails done and the thing for my stomach so I'm thinking about getting that any day now. I was really hoping to have my own place this month because I'm very anxious about getting myself up on screen
I think I'm just made for that I love doing that. I emailed a adult entertainment company about doing pro masturbating videos and they sent me an email back saying they would get back to me soon they have lots of emails. I think I trump most of their models not to brag just what I see. Well after about a month more its all going to be back together finally.....I'm back.July 18, 2011
4th estrogen shot upper right arm. I don't like it in the arm for some reason it hurts, I like it better in the ass. It is going to take me a little longer to get the pics up because I am having a delay with my I.D. card to open up a bank account. I will officially have my gender changed; so awesome, so great. I have actually lost weight again a big surprise to me. I went down from 206lbs to 204lbs. I still haven't looked into any height shortening exercises I can't believe I got turned down by the adult entertainment company!! He said I need to be a little further along in my transition. I think I'm just too pretty well the girls on his site are not even fine. I read about his "muse" some girl named Hazel, and her face is hard as a construction workers on Tuesday, I swear, how could he say no? Honestly my pics were not great I guess. I use to think passing was easy.
One thing I realize now is I am more confident with new clothes and a larger chest. Before I use to feel defeated and people would laugh and the more you look sad the harder they laugh. Now if someone looks at me like "ugh" I just look back with certainty like "And?" Something new I am beginning to pay attention to are tough ass wanna be Angelina Jolie's and what I mean by that is girls that are good looking and have an attitude like they are going to punk other girls who stand in their way. It is actually something of a phenomenon really. Its like if I don't have to worry about some guy checking me out and then realizing I'm what I am and getting pissed, and I don't have to worry about getting hit on, or I don't have to worry about some up tight 'holy person' ready to splash me with holy water and crucify me, I have to watch out for little miss wanna be Resident Evil getting ready to secretly drop kick me.
I think I look semi passable. I know my face is not ugly. I just thought I was blessed with passing in the past. Now that everyone has made me more than aware that "they know" I see a lot of what passing is really all about. Because you can have an ugly face and still pass. And you can even have small boobs and pass. But it really is a package deal. If you need these 10 things to pass and you only have 3-4 you are going to be clocked. I saw the ugliest little fat Mexican girl walking down this godawful street, and I'm not saying that to be mean, but she was short, fat, bad skin, flat face, the girl was just in every way worse than me, but why do you think she can walk down the street without the harassment. Well besides the homophobia or its properly known as transphobia, but it is a broader well fitting term. If people can tell I am what I am I will get shit for it. At least on these streets. What you need IMO is #1 long hair. If you have short hair like me and you are missing a large portion of the other 9 things- its not happening. I refused to buy a wig because I want to go through the process of seeing how people treat me different as it grows, the same goes for my breasts. And its happening too. Lately I don't get those mean comments like I use to or people yelling at me or freaking out and a HUGE part of that is related to my new clothes and laser surgery.
I am being called ma'am more, and generally treated with the respect all people should be treated with now that I have a little more. Its pretty bad when you can't just live your life through a hard time and not feel so emotionally beat up, but if you have the money to present yourself like you are worth something better then people grant you respect. For some reason people have the most peculiar way of responding to me as "man" and "dude" when they might call me she but see I'm a T. "Ohl uh, here you go man, yeah man, alright man...man, o man, man" its like ok I get it you are just a little boy you don't know what a man is don't worry so much ok.
Another thing is my voice is terrible. I suck at it. I feel like its because its too sexy most of the time when I try and concentrate on it. I called my roommate and was talking really soft fem and then he sounds like aroused, and ick no, thats not my [words=http://www.phallosan.com/shop/catalog/default.php?z=eNortjIxtVKyL0pNszWxMFcrSSxKTy2JL0hMT7U1UisoykyxtbBQSy4tLsnPjS8uKcrMS7dVsgZcMMpbEbo%2C]forte[/words]. Other times it is just not natural enough, everyone calls me "he" on the phone, whether they have ever known anything about me or not. I plan on buying a book when I move and practicing. Anything I work hard at I become good at so I know its only a matter of time before I get it right.
So now we have hair, laser, boobs, voice, and clothes. There is also personality, because girls do not walk around slumped over and hanging their head down. They are chirpy they are lively and they have confidence even when they are not confident. You can't just talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk also. If I have everything else but my posture and my attitude is not in sync as female; clocked. You can't just have a pretty face to pass. I have known trannies with ugly faces and they get by because they have a lot of the other things someone needs for passing. A wig and fake implants would help me get by a lot better right now, but I have no reason to because I'm not trying to look cute for anyone. And that shouldn't matter for passing anyways but in a way it does.
The latest full nude photos I have taken were some right after my 1st hormone shot. I told the adult entertainment guys I have had more shots and if my hair was longer or I should put on better make up for them I would have what they wanted. I thought they would see I was more good looking in-person, I would be better looking, and with some professional touch ups I could be hotter than the models they've got in place already. Part of me thinks because I told them I refuse to have sex and only masturbate alone on camera kind of is a deal breaker. Then I would HAVE to be amazing looking and pics after my 1st shot is not cutting it. They told me to contact them in a few more months. I have a couple more things lined up to do before a film anyway; like getting this stuff for toning up my stomach, and finishing the laser on my whole body. Then there is the truth of the length of my hair. I have known straight up Boys, who had long flowing beautiful hair and they get hit on by straight guys...well in Hollywood...straight is somewhat of a direction as long as it does not involve any kissing? :s No seriously, I can't recall ever hooking up with a gay guy, not only have I never found myself attracted to out gay men, but all my experiences with males have been totally bona fide straight guys. There were times when I wore long wigs and DD fake breasts I got mistaken for a gender female plllllllenty of times, but the truth is I always thought people knew I was a tranny, I didn't feel like I was "there" yet and I never had trouble going anywhere or doing anything.
Now it is a different story. I am like WOW the world is really like this? People really just plain out hate me for no other reason than what I am wearing?! It shocks me to no end. I know the long hair is going to change everything up majorly. A part of me hates that I HAVE TO do that, it goes against a lot of why I even do this. Another part is I am not ugly just because my hair is short, and another reason is lots of girls have short hair so it shouldn't really even matter. But without the other 9 things perfectly in place you can't get by with short hair. I still need a lot of the touch ups. My chest is a size A now. I thought I had breast tissue before but now that I do I see I didn't really. I have a B cup size bra and they fit snugly, a little big, but comfortable.
Ok pics coming soon, for some reason it has been 9 months and not even a little trim of my hair and it is only about 5" give or take....so why so slow this year I think because of the stress because I do not have split ends. Who knows. Penis Enlargement going well, the usual, looking forward to the new Bathmates arrival. I have another laser appointment for my face in 10 days. I bought a new Android phone and I have mixed feelings about its awesomness. More to come about the life.
View attachment 24028
Heres a recent pic for the hell of it
4th estrogen shot upper right arm. I don't like it in the arm for some reason it hurts, I like it better in the ass. It is going to take me a little longer to get the pics up because I am having a delay with my I.D. card to open up a bank account. I will officially have my gender changed; so awesome, so great. I have actually lost weight again a big surprise to me. I went down from 206lbs to 204lbs. I still haven't looked into any height shortening exercises
I can't believe I got turned down by the adult entertainment company!! He said I need to be a little further along in my transition. I think I'm just too pretty well the girls on his site are not even fine. I read about his "muse" some girl named Hazel, and her face is hard as a construction workers on Tuesday, I swear, how could he say no? Honestly my pics were not great I guess. I use to think passing was easy.One thing I realize now is I am more confident with new clothes and a larger chest. Before I use to feel defeated and people would laugh and the more you look sad the harder they laugh. Now if someone looks at me like "ugh" I just look back with certainty like "And?" Something new I am beginning to pay attention to are tough ass wanna be Angelina Jolie's and what I mean by that is girls that are good looking and have an attitude like they are going to punk other girls who stand in their way. It is actually something of a phenomenon really. Its like if I don't have to worry about some guy checking me out and then realizing I'm what I am and getting pissed, and I don't have to worry about getting hit on, or I don't have to worry about some up tight 'holy person' ready to splash me with holy water and crucify me, I have to watch out for little miss wanna be Resident Evil getting ready to secretly drop kick me.
I think I look semi passable. I know my face is not ugly. I just thought I was blessed with passing in the past. Now that everyone has made me more than aware that "they know" I see a lot of what passing is really all about. Because you can have an ugly face and still pass. And you can even have small boobs and pass. But it really is a package deal. If you need these 10 things to pass and you only have 3-4 you are going to be clocked. I saw the ugliest little fat Mexican girl walking down this godawful street, and I'm not saying that to be mean, but she was short, fat, bad skin, flat face, the girl was just in every way worse than me, but why do you think she can walk down the street without the harassment. Well besides the homophobia or its properly known as transphobia, but it is a broader well fitting term. If people can tell I am what I am I will get shit for it. At least on these streets. What you need IMO is #1 long hair. If you have short hair like me and you are missing a large portion of the other 9 things- its not happening. I refused to buy a wig because I want to go through the process of seeing how people treat me different as it grows, the same goes for my breasts. And its happening too. Lately I don't get those mean comments like I use to or people yelling at me or freaking out and a HUGE part of that is related to my new clothes and laser surgery.
I am being called ma'am more, and generally treated with the respect all people should be treated with now that I have a little more. Its pretty bad when you can't just live your life through a hard time and not feel so emotionally beat up, but if you have the money to present yourself like you are worth something better then people grant you respect. For some reason people have the most peculiar way of responding to me as "man" and "dude" when they might call me she but see I'm a T. "Ohl uh, here you go man, yeah man, alright man...man, o man, man" its like ok I get it you are just a little boy you don't know what a man is don't worry so much ok.
Another thing is my voice is terrible. I suck at it. I feel like its because its too sexy most of the time when I try and concentrate on it. I called my roommate and was talking really soft fem and then he sounds like aroused, and ick no, thats not my [words=http://www.phallosan.com/shop/catalog/default.php?z=eNortjIxtVKyL0pNszWxMFcrSSxKTy2JL0hMT7U1UisoykyxtbBQSy4tLsnPjS8uKcrMS7dVsgZcMMpbEbo%2C]forte[/words]. Other times it is just not natural enough, everyone calls me "he" on the phone, whether they have ever known anything about me or not. I plan on buying a book when I move and practicing. Anything I work hard at I become good at so I know its only a matter of time before I get it right.
So now we have hair, laser, boobs, voice, and clothes. There is also personality, because girls do not walk around slumped over and hanging their head down. They are chirpy they are lively and they have confidence even when they are not confident. You can't just talk the talk, you gotta walk the walk also. If I have everything else but my posture and my attitude is not in sync as female; clocked. You can't just have a pretty face to pass. I have known trannies with ugly faces and they get by because they have a lot of the other things someone needs for passing. A wig and fake implants would help me get by a lot better right now, but I have no reason to because I'm not trying to look cute for anyone. And that shouldn't matter for passing anyways but in a way it does.
The latest full nude photos I have taken were some right after my 1st hormone shot. I told the adult entertainment guys I have had more shots and if my hair was longer or I should put on better make up for them I would have what they wanted. I thought they would see I was more good looking in-person, I would be better looking, and with some professional touch ups I could be hotter than the models they've got in place already. Part of me thinks because I told them I refuse to have sex and only masturbate alone on camera kind of is a deal breaker. Then I would HAVE to be amazing looking and pics after my 1st shot is not cutting it. They told me to contact them in a few more months. I have a couple more things lined up to do before a film anyway; like getting this stuff for toning up my stomach, and finishing the laser on my whole body. Then there is the truth of the length of my hair. I have known straight up Boys, who had long flowing beautiful hair and they get hit on by straight guys...well in Hollywood...straight is somewhat of a direction as long as it does not involve any kissing? :s No seriously, I can't recall ever hooking up with a gay guy, not only have I never found myself attracted to out gay men, but all my experiences with males have been totally bona fide straight guys. There were times when I wore long wigs and DD fake breasts I got mistaken for a gender female plllllllenty of times, but the truth is I always thought people knew I was a tranny, I didn't feel like I was "there" yet and I never had trouble going anywhere or doing anything.
Now it is a different story. I am like WOW the world is really like this? People really just plain out hate me for no other reason than what I am wearing?! It shocks me to no end. I know the long hair is going to change everything up majorly. A part of me hates that I HAVE TO do that, it goes against a lot of why I even do this. Another part is I am not ugly just because my hair is short, and another reason is lots of girls have short hair so it shouldn't really even matter. But without the other 9 things perfectly in place you can't get by with short hair. I still need a lot of the touch ups. My chest is a size A now. I thought I had breast tissue before but now that I do I see I didn't really. I have a B cup size bra and they fit snugly, a little big, but comfortable.
Ok pics coming soon, for some reason it has been 9 months and not even a little trim of my hair and it is only about 5" give or take....so why so slow this year I think because of the stress because I do not have split ends. Who knows. Penis Enlargement going well, the usual, looking forward to the new Bathmates arrival. I have another laser appointment for my face in 10 days. I bought a new Android phone and I have mixed feelings about its awesomness. More to come about the life.
View attachment 24028
Heres a recent pic for the hell of it
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I woke up and my body was full of a rushing feeling. It worried me a little but because I couldn't tell if I was feeling numb or I was feeling a warm sensation through my body. It was really hot in my room too so when I actually got up I felt pertty dizzy. It was a week later than I usually get my shot. So the days leading up to my injection I felt sort of like I was feeling kind of like withdrawals feelings if that is possible. I also feel that my muscles have become weaker which is another sure sign that the estrogen is working. My body scent is going to change I'm pretty sure that is already happened. Well I read over my entry last night and it was a little mixed up so I edited it even though I know it doesn't matter if I say it. I was contradicting myself at times because I had only 2-3 hours sleep then a 2.5-3.5 bus trip then an hour in the doctors office then fresh hormone juice flowing through out my body. So some of the posts I made yesterday were like that and then I took a nap and then I got an hour of exercise so that is that.
So I learned some pretty good information at a new dr.'s yesterday. They said injections are the worst way to take hormones. Because it is like a rollercoaster. At the beginning of the month you are really high from the shot and at the end of the month you are really low from it being gone. This is true. I feel like crap at the end of the month and right after the shot I feel a huge rush, so big in fact I have been feeling dizzy and nauseas for the last week. It was a new nurse I've never seen who gave me the shot and she must have hit a nerve because my whole arm was sore and it still is and has a bump where she shot me. Its quite a bit better today, but it was pretty bad for this whole week.
At the new dr.'s office they had me watch a video explaining hormone treatment. I learned a lot that I didn't know. It basically is putting my body through a 2nd puberty. My height will actually decrease! There is space between the vertebrates of the spine that actually change from stopping the testosterone. When estrogen is introduced it softens them and it reduces how tall you are. It also does the same thing in your feet so your feet actually shrink around the toe area and your foot becomes "flatter" or something...I'll have to get the correct terminology. She said it takes 2-3 years for the effects of the hormones to really become prominent. The fat in my gut wont change without diet and exercise but I will get new fat in my legs, hips, butt, etc and face. Hair grows slower etc. softer skin usual stuff I've known.
What was interesting is what she said about how my likes and dislikes will change. She said don't be surprised if you find old hobbies you use to enjoy to become boring and start feeling interested in completely new things. I can understand that. I was on the train one time and there was a new born baby in a girls arms and I swear my heart just melted and I almost said out loud, "ahhhh look how cute she is!" But then I caught myself and I was like Whoa where did that come from? Even the things I like to eat and the music I listen to can change and even my sexuality she said! I don't know if that will change much more than it already has because I have already been going through this for quite a while and I am pretty much happy with where all that is. I think that is more common in people who are older and haven't experienced coming out at such a young age. She said my emotions will change and it has been happening a lot.
They are going to put me on a daily dose of estrogen through pill form. Everything is the same it is just a steady supply of estrogen throughout the month. Last night I was feeling really horny because I haven't masturbated for I don't really remember how long, maybe 7 days? Can't be. I looked at some adult entertainment and I was so grossed out! I think you become desensitized when you see adult entertainment all the time. I haven't even seen it hardly at all in 9 months and I felt disgusted looking at it. It was a brazzer page and they were doing the unspeakable double anal penetration and Idk it just kind of made me feel like yuck. It was too much on one page after not looking at adult entertainment for almost a year. I mean I miss sex, but what are these people doing? They look like they are wasting their bodies looking ugly. It did not even look appealing I couldn't even get aroused.
So I felt really clueless because I felt really horny but I also was having trouble thinking of anything to arouse me enough to make me hard. So I browsed around online for a while but didn't find anything I liked. So I thought I would give up. I was doing some stretches and got myself semi hard so I massaged it a little hard and then decided to use vanilla cupcake scented lotion to lube my penis up. That was pretty erotic. I moaned a lot. I am against using lotion on my penis because I think it shrinks it...could be untrue, this time was an exception. I had a pretty much dry orgasm.... I felt happy I could do it.
I feel a lot better these days. Truthfully it is hard to really tell anyone "yeah someone who is inheriting millions of dollars is going to help me out with a couple hundred thousand" purely a non-sexual relationship, someone who I am not even really close with. The only reason is because he has been in a few businesses and he was only in the place I am because of a divorce and losing a lot of money. He isn't a dope fiend or a drunk like I am not. Just misfortune at the same time I was here. He has been going through some stuff and I let him borrow some money a couple times, I helped him out with food now and then. He told me there has been a legal case going on for years and he had no idea that he would be receiving all this money right now. He is a really cool guy who never judged me, has a girlfriend, loves kids, we talk all the time. He told me he wants to help me get out of these ghettos for good, that he doesnt have much family, that he will need tax write offs and would like to do something good for some other people in his life. Since I have been there for him when he really needed someone and otherwise he would have been stranded or starved he is really appreciative of it. He told me he talked to his pastor the other day and his pastor told him that he would meet new people in his life that he should help and move forward with and to leave the people in his past who ditched him in the passed.
There are a few really really interesting things he told me that I perceived as kind of like signs. But honestly I know how too good to be true it sounds. Thats why I'm not even going to say any numbers yet because if it was from a family member or a really close friend who got so much money then yeah I could see them hooking me up. But he really doesnt have a reason to help me get out of the ghetto. But here is one of the signs that trips me out. The apartment he said he wants to move me to, literally is in the SAME building of my dream apartment! Literally where I really really wanted to live for years he showed me an email of the exact location and said this is where I'm going to move you! It shocked me because there is no way he could know that. I knew someone who lived there years ago and they were on section 8 and got the apartment for a cheap ass price so I always wanted to move there but there is an enormous waiting list to get in there UNLESS you have lots of money. Well I have not talked about this for years. It is right next to Venice Beach and it is right on the water. literally you can throw a rock out the window and hit the ocean. A huge building and the rooms are gorgeous loft types of apartments. That was when I was like "what the fuck dude that is where I really always wanted to live" it give me the shakes.
Anyways thats all about that, I don't even want to say anything but it is too exciting. I told him not to fool with me and that would not be ok and he almost gave me a hug and said not to trip he is going to make sure I never have to worry about this type of fucked up place again....you got me dude seriously, Idk, I already found out I'm getting almost $20,000 from my back pay so I'm already going to be ok to move out...just waiting on my I.D. and one document from one of the employers I had. I told him about [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] and he told me to do something that would make ME money and then if I want to do that I should. I do, I want to make this place world famous and I live in L.A. so I already know lots of connections and this guy also has more connections than anyone I ever met.
I thought, see, people try and stop me from being a tranny and if I had not become what I knew I was I wouldn't have been here and this could be a fortune. I always knew they were trying to stop me from getting my fortune. I just thought I would have had to have sex to get it. I knew it wasn't wrong and now my whole family who has been like thinking I am fucked up is going to be getting MY help and then where would they be without ME? Honestly for me, being a tranny is just like being one of your best guy friends and having hot looks like a chick. At least they have to look hot to be like that and a good personality. So it just goes to show that being a tranny is not wrong, and I was going through some extra extra bad experience for some fuckin reason. I was begging God to tell me why I had to go through such a horrible experience. You guys have no idea....... I think I want to try and change some laws and curve the perspective on the world views of trannies but I'm not sure how, but I think I would need to do something political like campaign? I'm clueless I never expected to have this happen. Just something else unexpected? Idk DLD?
At the new dr.'s office they had me watch a video explaining hormone treatment. I learned a lot that I didn't know. It basically is putting my body through a 2nd puberty. My height will actually decrease! There is space between the vertebrates of the spine that actually change from stopping the testosterone. When estrogen is introduced it softens them and it reduces how tall you are. It also does the same thing in your feet so your feet actually shrink around the toe area and your foot becomes "flatter" or something...I'll have to get the correct terminology. She said it takes 2-3 years for the effects of the hormones to really become prominent. The fat in my gut wont change without diet and exercise but I will get new fat in my legs, hips, butt, etc and face. Hair grows slower etc. softer skin usual stuff I've known.
What was interesting is what she said about how my likes and dislikes will change. She said don't be surprised if you find old hobbies you use to enjoy to become boring and start feeling interested in completely new things. I can understand that. I was on the train one time and there was a new born baby in a girls arms and I swear my heart just melted and I almost said out loud, "ahhhh look how cute she is!" But then I caught myself and I was like Whoa where did that come from? Even the things I like to eat and the music I listen to can change and even my sexuality she said! I don't know if that will change much more than it already has because I have already been going through this for quite a while and I am pretty much happy with where all that is. I think that is more common in people who are older and haven't experienced coming out at such a young age. She said my emotions will change and it has been happening a lot.
They are going to put me on a daily dose of estrogen through pill form. Everything is the same it is just a steady supply of estrogen throughout the month. Last night I was feeling really horny because I haven't masturbated for I don't really remember how long, maybe 7 days? Can't be. I looked at some adult entertainment and I was so grossed out! I think you become desensitized when you see adult entertainment all the time. I haven't even seen it hardly at all in 9 months and I felt disgusted looking at it. It was a brazzer page and they were doing the unspeakable double anal penetration and Idk it just kind of made me feel like yuck. It was too much on one page after not looking at adult entertainment for almost a year. I mean I miss sex, but what are these people doing? They look like they are wasting their bodies looking ugly. It did not even look appealing I couldn't even get aroused.
So I felt really clueless because I felt really horny but I also was having trouble thinking of anything to arouse me enough to make me hard. So I browsed around online for a while but didn't find anything I liked. So I thought I would give up. I was doing some stretches and got myself semi hard so I massaged it a little hard and then decided to use vanilla cupcake scented lotion to lube my penis up. That was pretty erotic. I moaned a lot. I am against using lotion on my penis because I think it shrinks it...could be untrue, this time was an exception. I had a pretty much dry orgasm.... I felt happy I could do it.
I feel a lot better these days. Truthfully it is hard to really tell anyone "yeah someone who is inheriting millions of dollars is going to help me out with a couple hundred thousand" purely a non-sexual relationship, someone who I am not even really close with. The only reason is because he has been in a few businesses and he was only in the place I am because of a divorce and losing a lot of money. He isn't a dope fiend or a drunk like I am not. Just misfortune at the same time I was here. He has been going through some stuff and I let him borrow some money a couple times, I helped him out with food now and then. He told me there has been a legal case going on for years and he had no idea that he would be receiving all this money right now. He is a really cool guy who never judged me, has a girlfriend, loves kids, we talk all the time. He told me he wants to help me get out of these ghettos for good, that he doesnt have much family, that he will need tax write offs and would like to do something good for some other people in his life. Since I have been there for him when he really needed someone and otherwise he would have been stranded or starved he is really appreciative of it. He told me he talked to his pastor the other day and his pastor told him that he would meet new people in his life that he should help and move forward with and to leave the people in his past who ditched him in the passed.
There are a few really really interesting things he told me that I perceived as kind of like signs. But honestly I know how too good to be true it sounds. Thats why I'm not even going to say any numbers yet because if it was from a family member or a really close friend who got so much money then yeah I could see them hooking me up. But he really doesnt have a reason to help me get out of the ghetto. But here is one of the signs that trips me out. The apartment he said he wants to move me to, literally is in the SAME building of my dream apartment! Literally where I really really wanted to live for years he showed me an email of the exact location and said this is where I'm going to move you! It shocked me because there is no way he could know that. I knew someone who lived there years ago and they were on section 8 and got the apartment for a cheap ass price so I always wanted to move there but there is an enormous waiting list to get in there UNLESS you have lots of money. Well I have not talked about this for years. It is right next to Venice Beach and it is right on the water. literally you can throw a rock out the window and hit the ocean. A huge building and the rooms are gorgeous loft types of apartments. That was when I was like "what the fuck dude that is where I really always wanted to live" it give me the shakes.
Anyways thats all about that, I don't even want to say anything but it is too exciting. I told him not to fool with me and that would not be ok and he almost gave me a hug and said not to trip he is going to make sure I never have to worry about this type of fucked up place again....you got me dude seriously, Idk, I already found out I'm getting almost $20,000 from my back pay so I'm already going to be ok to move out...just waiting on my I.D. and one document from one of the employers I had. I told him about [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] and he told me to do something that would make ME money and then if I want to do that I should. I do, I want to make this place world famous and I live in L.A. so I already know lots of connections and this guy also has more connections than anyone I ever met.
I thought, see, people try and stop me from being a tranny and if I had not become what I knew I was I wouldn't have been here and this could be a fortune. I always knew they were trying to stop me from getting my fortune. I just thought I would have had to have sex to get it. I knew it wasn't wrong and now my whole family who has been like thinking I am fucked up is going to be getting MY help and then where would they be without ME? Honestly for me, being a tranny is just like being one of your best guy friends and having hot looks like a chick. At least they have to look hot to be like that and a good personality. So it just goes to show that being a tranny is not wrong, and I was going through some extra extra bad experience for some fuckin reason. I was begging God to tell me why I had to go through such a horrible experience. You guys have no idea....... I think I want to try and change some laws and curve the perspective on the world views of trannies but I'm not sure how, but I think I would need to do something political like campaign? I'm clueless I never expected to have this happen. Just something else unexpected? Idk DLD?
stillwantmore
Well-known member
Yea, when I used to give myself my own testosterone shots (for bodybuilding), I'd occasionally hit a nerve. It's not pleasant. Someone who doesn't know what they're doing should not be doing your shots. Also, if you NEED to tell a practitioner that they only need a 27 gauge, 1 inch needle, for your hormone shots...go elsewhere. The only exception (usually unless you have high body fat) is with glute shots...then a 1.5" needle is usually needed. Intramuscular hormone shots (all of them are usually given this way for optimal delivery into your system) only need that size needle. Even on such an infrequent shot schedule like yours. Keep track of where your shots are being given as well. You want to rotate injection sites to avoid scar tissue in your muscles which can cause discomfort. You can get them in the triceps (back of your arm usually), outer deltoid ("shoulder"), glutes (butt), outer thigh (quad) or ventro glute ("hip" area). Any medical personnel worth their shit in weight should know where these muscle groups are. It would not hurt YOU to learn them either so you can tell people "Hey, you should not put that needle there". Trust me, just because they work in the field doesn't always mean they paid attention in school. Also, they should always aspirate before giving your shot. That means, they pull back slightly after inserting the needle on the syringe plunger to make sure they are not in a vein and actually in muscle. If you don't see that happen, don't be afraid to say so or ask "did you aspirate?". Even my dentist aspirates when doing a shot of local anesthetic. If they act like you're an ass for asking, go somewhere else. Shots should never hurt no matter what you're getting them for It's your right as their patient to have a comfortable experience, AND it's part of "standard of care" for THEM to deliver safe, comfortable injections.
Muscular shot guide with the muscles described and located:
(Study!)
This site IS originally intended for bodybuilders for "educational" reasons, so you will see other muscle groups listed as well.
http://www.spotinjections.com/index3.htm
General guidelines for muscular shots:
http://www.enotes.com/nursing-encyclopedia/intramuscular-injection
ALSO, if you have someone do a "dart throwing" motion toward you when giving you a shot, don't let them do that to you! That is NOT how someone gives a shot properly.
It's your right as their patient to have a comfortable experience, AND it's part of "standard of care" for THEM to deliver safe, comfortable injections. Muscular shot guide with the muscles described and located:
(Study!)
This site IS originally intended for bodybuilders for "educational" reasons, so you will see other muscle groups listed as well.
http://www.spotinjections.com/index3.htm
General guidelines for muscular shots:
http://www.enotes.com/nursing-encyclopedia/intramuscular-injection
ALSO, if you have someone do a "dart throwing" motion toward you when giving you a shot, don't let them do that to you! That is NOT how someone gives a shot properly.
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Great now I have to go look for apartments with this.
And you don't have to worry Im never going to do anything to destroy anybody elses work ever. I may be hurt but I will not become vengeful and I am not going to ever try and do what was done to me to anyone. It wont be what makes me feel better.
And you don't have to worry Im never going to do anything to destroy anybody elses work ever. I may be hurt but I will not become vengeful and I am not going to ever try and do what was done to me to anyone. It wont be what makes me feel better.
stillwantmore
Well-known member
What happened?
Fuck it.
Man say Live and let live.
Idk who this lady is with blue hair but she said I am her homegirl. Who smoked number 1 kush on the shores of the ocean with me.
O well. I'm thinkin I get as much attention as I get n I'm worrying about this place........ I know that none of it matters. Wow, don't you crave death, and dread it at the exact same time. We are Aliens I'm young. I'll NEVER feel self-conscious nude about my penis ever with anyone, even though I haven't been for this entire year.
I'm not an outsider.
My journal means more to me than less meaningfull to me.
I'm telling myself not to do this AnyMos. Just grrrrrR, sand in my g'dam phone and shoes, and o ya did I mention- Fuck It.
Maybe I'll just start over as Turnover2 ... What do you say to her Ben? Ya and as if she doesn't miss me and the reason babies cry when it hurts just cos they don't understand why they're being hit. That is all that there than can be is let it hurt.
Man say Live and let live.
Idk who this lady is with blue hair but she said I am her homegirl. Who smoked number 1 kush on the shores of the ocean with me.
O well. I'm thinkin I get as much attention as I get n I'm worrying about this place........ I know that none of it matters. Wow, don't you crave death, and dread it at the exact same time. We are Aliens I'm young. I'll NEVER feel self-conscious nude about my penis ever with anyone, even though I haven't been for this entire year.
I'm not an outsider.
My journal means more to me than less meaningfull to me.
I'm telling myself not to do this AnyMos. Just grrrrrR, sand in my g'dam phone and shoes, and o ya did I mention- Fuck It.
Maybe I'll just start over as Turnover2 ... What do you say to her Ben? Ya and as if she doesn't miss me and the reason babies cry when it hurts just cos they don't understand why they're being hit. That is all that there than can be is let it hurt.
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No wnder the ngga cn nly c n blak'n white any a way
I'm hardly makin' it in photos in color and then look at this shit that isn't even real yet all it is is what I know how to be.
these are my favorite best pictures and they are not even body shots
the first two pictures are the only picture from after hormones. The other two I don't even like they are just all I had left over from some pictures I took when maybe if I had been prettier on film but np it ws js nvr meant t b
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i was going through hell even back in these photos
if i even saw these pictures now i would be like ew.w tf
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i dont even have one body shot that i like because i do not want to let anybody see me that way and this is all i have and i dont think im going to make it to full body shots
this is after 3 months hormones, 2 laser facial treatments 1 full month spirolactone and 1/2
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this one is after 4 months i think it will be the closest thing i come to to ever posting pics nude... unless i ever meet someone highly unwilling to ever give it a chance but give me....4 years n well see if im still around
nothing wrong with being a tranny. I'm sure we've all had a good laugh. Now time to sleep.
View attachment 24236
and my stats are at 5'10-11, 200lbs, A-B cup, 13-15" waste....still waiting on that www.skinnywrap.com hope so. thats a total of 5 hormone shots and 3 laser treatments (no pics of recently this was only yesterday 40cc's estrogen, 2 full months spirolactone, and 1 laser facial treatment)and 5 very long years. and i cried most of the days in every one of these pics so bad if u ever saw the pics of how i looked 'fucked up' u would think i look almost dead....ju st s a y i n, considerin
for the record my body is aching in my chest, breast, and penis is very sore at times when touching *stretching*
when im erect
I'm hardly makin' it in photos in color and then look at this shit that isn't even real yet all it is is what I know how to be.
these are my favorite best pictures and they are not even body shots
the first two pictures are the only picture from after hormones. The other two I don't even like they are just all I had left over from some pictures I took when maybe if I had been prettier on film but np it ws js nvr meant t b
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i was going through hell even back in these photos
if i even saw these pictures now i would be like ew.w tf
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i dont even have one body shot that i like because i do not want to let anybody see me that way and this is all i have and i dont think im going to make it to full body shots
this is after 3 months hormones, 2 laser facial treatments 1 full month spirolactone and 1/2
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this one is after 4 months i think it will be the closest thing i come to to ever posting pics nude... unless i ever meet someone highly unwilling to ever give it a chance but give me....4 years n well see if im still around
nothing wrong with being a tranny. I'm sure we've all had a good laugh. Now time to sleep.
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and my stats are at 5'10-11, 200lbs, A-B cup, 13-15" waste....still waiting on that www.skinnywrap.com hope so. thats a total of 5 hormone shots and 3 laser treatments (no pics of recently this was only yesterday 40cc's estrogen, 2 full months spirolactone, and 1 laser facial treatment)and 5 very long years. and i cried most of the days in every one of these pics so bad if u ever saw the pics of how i looked 'fucked up' u would think i look almost dead....ju st s a y i n, considerin
for the record my body is aching in my chest, breast, and penis is very sore at times when touching *stretching*
when im erect
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