My Account of Blood, Sweat, and Tears

Turnover;420152 said:
I had a pretty good workout the other night. I noticed the day after much fatigue. My erection has less extention and kegels are not as easy. Still pump every day, had the [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/forum/showthread.php?83577-Length-master-official-order-thread-now-shipping-06-16-2014!!!]Length Master[/words] out and felt sore after 10min. Lazy ass stretches all day. I was surprised to see I have only made 400 posts 4 months. I've still gotta a lot of work to do, I'm thinking I've really seen the last of the worst.
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Once you get that net book it's on! You can start posting regularly, plus you will have so much more freedom being able to get online whenever you like. I don't think you have seen the last of the worst, I think you are seeing the beginning of the best. KEEP IT UP!
 
doublelongdaddy;420227 said:
Once you get that net book it's on! You can start posting regularly, plus you will have so much more freedom being able to get online whenever you like. I don't think you have seen the last of the worst, I think you are seeing the beginning of the best. KEEP IT UP!
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Wow, you probably do not know how much it means to me that you understand, I woke up and realized I actually went 24 hours without crying. Thank you so much. I'm doing everything I can to get it taken care of sometimes God's lesson takes a little longer than we want I guess. With all the chaos in the world I'm really grateful my problems are so much less complicated. That doesn't exclude how difficult or painful it is but having you on my side DLD is just more important to me than people will ever be able to acknowledge.
 
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Aint no sides Turn, it is a brotherhood that will always be here.
 
doublelongdaddy;420364 said:
Aint no sides Turn, it is a brotherhood that will always be here.
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Yeah there is [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]:) and then there is no [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]:( I never wanna feel on the :( side:)
 
Turnover;420454 said:
Yeah there is [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]:) and then there is no [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]:( I never wanna feel on the :( side:)
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I hEARD tH!at !
 
Hell yeah great news. I was in a meeting just now and they have everything I need. They are just for people who are like me; tg. I should have gone here in Jan. because they give away gift cards, and have hygiene products and all that stuff- they told me it is to help us. Anyways I was telling em I needed a job and they told me they're hiring. We were discussing all the business about what a person needs to do to make the transition and I knew more about it than the girls leading the group; and I'm prettier:) So they liked me a lot and they have group everyday so if they hire me you guys can come visit me if you're ever in Hollywood;) Hey I saw like 8 blank stars on The Walk, I never knew The Simpsons had a star!! lol Anyway I told them I had no friends like us and it was sooo good to talk to other people I could relate with. They were super friendly--- a little less than perfect physically, but they are going to be there for me while I get on my feet!!!
 
That is great news! What exactly would your job be and how is the pay?
 
Wow yo so I stopped these med's today....man, my ma gave em to me when she kicked me out in Janurary- she said, "You're gunna need these; and I was like Yeeea". So When I was thinking about why the fuck can't I feel the way I used to feel, because I noticed how I haven't had the same style of writing in a couple months, today I realised it had something to do with that. Never fear! I have been changing quite A LOT. I don't look the same today a lot and in another couple months I won't look like the person I do today. In fact my personality is different than Decemeber; I impress myself and I try not to beat myself up over it.

Just now I ran, ran, ran, o my goodness I ran, in a blouse, 7, no 8, maybe 9 or even 10 blocks in new shoes.... that's not including all these other things I can never really explain on a forum, never-the-less, I made it to where I was going. It was a long morning as well, I couldn't keep my eye's open on the train- it's experiences like this that mentally push me. When I am impressed with myself it is because you, me, or anyone could never know a person could go through this, not always so gracefully, but confidently. No one could tell you it was possible, I guess someone has got to live it. I would not want to relive through it again although if I had to I would have been a lot more cool about it when I know I wasn't. I would not want a do-over no, I just want it to keep going until I'm done.

This guy for my computer was sending me a check for some equipment I was selling to get that netbook- it was a fake check can u believe! Made me wait a whole 2 damn extra weeks and still can't get my laptop yet!! I wont fret, although I only made it 24 hours with out crying that was still a good record these days. The lady hasn't told me what the job description is yet. It is a really cool office though, and I love the area it's in. It's on La Brea blv and Sunset blvd, smack center in downtown Hollywood, nowhere could be better for me to get into circulation to get a career started. I couldn't qualify for a program because I won't have sex- don't have sex- I was like I masturbate....often, no I din't say it. It was just a sexual education class, I've already completed things like that years ago. I did take the free lube thoughrofl It's important to not be alone in this type of huge life altering physical turnover.

The only time I vent or get to rap is with all my homies here....I like it that way, people out there are infants compared to getting to know my own body and this website. I just need to hear myself speak out loud on more occasional moments. Anyways when youre super, super extremely stressed out, and you finally get to a point you really actually can relax, it feels like time is slowing down :P
 
The job is like a peer counselor position. I think that is like too perfect. Yesterday they used me in a picture session for some fliers they were making.

Sometimes I don't have enough time to finish posting that is the last thing I have to finish working on; ironic it is one of the most important to me.

Watch out soon I'll be saying I love my life;)
 
Turnover;420950 said:
The job is like a peer counselor position. I think that is like too perfect. Yesterday they used me in a picture session for some fliers they were making.

Sometimes I don't have enough time to finish posting that is the last thing I have to finish working on; ironic it is one of the most important to me.

Watch out soon I'll be saying I love my life;)
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Where the hell is the netbook?
 
doublelongdaddy;420956 said:
Where the hell is the netbook?
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You're telling me. . .

O yea I made it another 24 hours without crying again and then I was happy so I cried.... I guess thats why they call it the best of both worlds?
 
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Found My Place.......f i n ally.

I was looking in the mirror this morning and I was looking so different. I will have my computer in a couple more weeks without a doubt I just had a minor set back. My body is looking a lot better like I said my breasts are forming finally and they are small but getting a nice shape. From the side view my waist looks pretty thin and this morning my dick was bleeding from the pump in the [words=https://officialhydromaxpump.com/?uid=6&oid=2&affid=98 ]X-40[/words] because it doesn't fit but it was very large and plump. My hair is longer now;), and you would never believe how much trouble I had to go through to get the right razors for my body. They are so inexpensive but I had to spend all the money I had on so many other items you wouldn't know how absolutely important it is to have smooth skin for someone like me.

Since I quit the other medicine I have stopped waking up at 3am feeling very very dizzy. This was happening because those meds do not mix with the hormones. I am starting estrogen at the end of this month and I am getting the first few session of injections in my hips. That way the fat in my body will be redistributed to my hips and butt fastest. Thats really important to me. There is a girl in my groups in L.A. and she has a HUGE ass and I am so jealous even though mine is already in really good shape:) Later I will get them in my shoulderblade/back area and that will increase breast tissue faster. It also slows body hair growth to very little and helps thicken the hair on my head. I still need laser on my penis though.

My mom has really really mellowed out with letting me hang out. You see at first it was freaking her out I know because they were not expecting me to ever change back. I dress very respectfully everyday. I do not wear make up and I wear full long pants everyday. My mom use to tell me not to wear girl shirts and I use to have short short hair. One day I spent the night at her house and I was about to leave but she convinced me to stay to help her with babysitting my niece. When I agreed to stay she begin harassing me about the clothes I was wearing and I stopped her and basically "let her have it" I told her oh-- hell no-- you are not going to convince me to stay and help you after I was about to leave and then lecture me about the clothes I'm wearing because I am not even dressed slutty or extra-sexy even a little and one of my sisters dresses realllly slutty and she is like my moms favorite daughter....ever since then she has been cool. In the past she has even given me make up because she sells make up so she is beginning to at least understand. I mean I pass really well as a girl she just had to get use to it but she has known since I was really little I was this way...

The reason I got so scared when I first left her house is because the first place I had to go to stay was not cool. I mean now that I passed it it was just a lot of fun but the first night I woke up I cried really hard because I fell asleep in a room full of people smoking weed that I didn't know and when I woke up on their couch everybody was gone and I thought I could have been raped. It was a friend of mine I stayed with I've known for years but hadn't seen in a really long time and he is an ex-con but a really really sweet guy who grew up on a Indian reservation with hippies. All the people who were smoking at his house were in fact really cool bro types. After that I stayed in some other messed up places, one day I will go into all the facts. Actually it is scary for someone like me all the time because I travel alone and some of the areas are just extremely dangerous for anyone and I never know what people are thinking when they look at me and lots of guys stare at me and lots of people are black and they hate white people in the ghetto, so it can get terrifying but I'm beginning to blend in. I'll get into details about it later all in one post kind of deal. The area I live in now is less scary now though bc I am getting used to it. People are mostly like commercials droning on and on. Anyways these kids who are "gangster" don't even really know anything. I just got some red shoes and they all love me they let me pass right by.
 
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Nice song, you seem like your life has completely TURNed around:)
 
I have been keeping my transition posted here, I keep a journal already on a note book. I thought it would be a good movie if there was a story about a book and anything you write in it becomes true...so I had an incident today. I'll sum it up by calling it people who tease me. It just pisses me off so much sometimes bc people who are mean to me, make fun of me, laugh at me, who are angry; are the same people who like me when they know me and are my fucking friends too. Thats really why I get so upset. I wore a low cut green shirt today and my chest is filling out. The pills make my stomach a little softer and rounder too not so in a bad way. I mean if I am an ugly woman I am still a really good looking boy. I groom my hair, I'm clean, I have manors.

People who are not mature yet are like young people or unkept who tease and I can tell it really is all in good fun to them- they dont think much of it a transsexual is like the biggest news of their lives for like the 10 minutes I am in their atmoshphere. The worst crime is I am fat. Its not even in a bad way. I havent got long hair or large breasts yet, I have a problem with a little facial hair that I can fix eventually, I dont wear makeup and I dress like a girl going through puberty on her way to school not like I am going to a club. Sometimes I feel so miserable around people who are miserable because they are ignorant about celibacy. If they are prejiduce its because they dont know me and they are mean because they write me off because I have a penis. It will all balance out before much longer, I mean if I wrote down how many times I have been hit on everyday, from the moment I wake up until I get home, I should just start a thread on it, but I never probably would because that is not what I post for.

What can I really explain; I had some fun buying new clothes today that I needed badly. I need money for a computer but everything has to work out the way its going to work out there sint anything I can do about it. If I had just gone the easy way I could have posted sexy pictures and never posted frantically nobody here would have known any different about my life. You wouldn't think I was a mistake too you would have seen only what I always showed as my good integrity and fun personality. I wouldnt have experienced this shit again and it was extermely painful and long. I cleared some things up I might have skipped over. I understand why even when you feel good, they just arent fun to laugh at.. I smile, sometimes when I'm crying people think Im smiling, I thought so what if I learned this way. It was harder and it could have been easy. If I have sex with somebody why wouldnt I have gone with the rich guy? You know I could have learned all of this anyway- But I am prouder of myself for coming through and now that I feel so good I just hope I didnt lose my favorite thing in the world because I felt like I did and you wouldnt know how unfair it felt because you never knew i loved it so much. I have risked my life over and over on these buses in the ghetto man, you were never there and you would never believe how close people come to hurting someone like me in the middle.

So Idk man everything is going good now where I have some friends and sex is actually out of the question with them, at least they respect it in a big way. People dont know what its like to not be able to have a partner, when your family throws you away and people disrespect you because youre different, it would be easier to make it with a mate of some kind. Tgirls live in a segregated relationship. But I learned some really good stuff. Some really great stuff and when I finally post pics I can finally prove it. I'm trying not to fuck up my celibacy but it gets so hard when you are alone so often when Im feeling good and I look really cute what can I do? Pretend something I really wanted is real that may have never been real? I could never live with myself if it was real and I fucke dit up because I thought it wasnt real, but its all molding with the way life is already, I mean its almost the end of the world I just want you to know how much I go through, have gone through, fight everyday for. For something that might not even be. It just broke me and I adapted to it but what else can I do? Im just getting on with my career. Theres nothing I can do.
 
Day 365

Who would have believed today I would be where I am today. Last year at this time I was just recovering from a smashed broken finger at my job and I started my stretching with a finger brace on;) Good times

I havent let myself cry in 2 days now thats a valubale update:)

I pull my hair gently regularly I think it helps it grow a bit faster, well it is looking healthy and thick:s

I have cut back on weed majorly a puff in the morning or at night holds me over until I completely am settled.

This threadhttp://www.mattersofsize.com/forum/showthread.php?61286-Positive-quotes-applied-to-art!-PLEASE-USE-THEM&highlight=positive+art seriously seriously helped me out so much this morning thank you Red. I've been stressing out on all types of levels but this really helped me get a balance. I am doing everything right. Your words are full of passion and intelligence and it shows more than just a penis enlarger it is wisdom beyond your age.

I just did a couple really big updates so I dont need to go on and on with this one. Just happy I made it a full year Im ready for another one. I could have never ever ever ever guessed or told you I would have been the person you know here today, NEVER, it was never in my agenda. So Im proud of myself it takes a lot of courage everyday to walk in my shoes. So, I set the bar high- aint nothing stopping me from accomplishment Now.

I also will post pics soon my gains were looking fantastic last night. I should measure again soon because the white skin at the base is from my gains constantly pumping and stretching everyday and I would not doubt 7" nbp has to be. As soon as I get my computer:cool: I know why I havent had one but ok god I am READY!
 
Having some pretty wicked depression I skipped weed a couple days in a row now. I feel such a hopeless feeling. i was going to smoke a little to help get me through it but I want to kinda let it detox a little. No harm just a pretty boring feeling to feel a rush of sadness after everything was beginning to feel better. Today is day 3 and yesterday was worse. I can smoke when I know it eases up for sure.

I think Saw Palmetto is causing all the erections I have all the time. It is good for a healthy prostate. Anyways I think it is what makes me horny right after I cum. I wake up like 3 times a night and masturbate, in the morning I do it once or twice and before bed sometimes I'll go at it 3-5 times in a row. The most I did in a 24 hour period was 7 or 8 times maybe one more than that and I am still horny?:(. It is almost a nuisance I think it may be relevant to the depression. Its not so much the type of heavy depression that weighs down your emotions to want to succeed it is like a lack of stimulation that I usually have. I will start hormones on Friday they will help reduce my sex drive. Hormones redistribute fat in the body to the hips and chest, soften the skin, slow down body hair, and thicken head hair. They can make me MORE depressed so I'm feeling anxious about that but I will feel really really happy when the changes begin to show which shouldn't take very long for me with in a couple of months.

I dont kegel as often when I'm not stoned. I stretch everyday but not as intense as I would like and that also makes me feel depressed. I pumped twice yesterday. I also have been eating less and less. The town I live in sucks so much. I realized I am on my own like for reals. I found a new city I can move but it wont happen for several weeks I'm trying not to let it get me down. I really felt the first sharpness of sadness when I felt like since I havent been updating pics of myself I feel like "a guy" and I just care too much about what the fellas on this site think. I'm not a cross dresser not at all and I should really not care what someone that does not even know me thinks. But it does get to me because you guys gave me what I never thought I could have and it is not a choice to feel so grateful it is just love. The internet is so gross I wish I could be with [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] in a real-life museum somewhere haha like at the mall. When I didn't go hanging out with friends I was here with you and I like it. Time is just a tricky solution to a series of complicated issues. What I wish I could do is leave for a couple months and come back updated and it would be like cake. I couldn't ever imagine not knowing what was going on though it drives me crazy waiting in front of the Library 2 hours to open I couldn't go weeks and weeks. I just feel better having it written out because I just think about it all day until the next day when I can update again.
 
After stopping weed it will take a while for the depression to end. For me it takes a good 2 weeks before normal emotions are normal again but it will happen. Lastly, why are you stopping anyway?
 
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