My Account of Blood, Sweat, and Tears

[Turnover]

Cool my mom and I just met the neighbors and they have a transgendered daughter who is 6 years old! They already gave her the surgery! I can't believe all these years we have been living next door and we never knew. She is the leader in a group for transsexual people and is going to be featured in a documentary by Oprah! Amazing and she has a blog so we exchanged information and my mom was so happy to meet them. So was I. She is a really cool looking mom. She said her daughter or "son" at the time tried committing suicide several times...they couldn't figure out what was wrong but she kept saying she wanted to be a girl. Anyways she said they were apprehensive about surgery at such a young age because it is not advised but they knew it was the right decision because otherwise they dont think she would have lived very much longer. So we are going to hang out soon and I feel sooooo freaking good about it because my mom would not call me "she" EVER at all and referred to me as "he" but today the neighbor her name is Sarah Tyler (Wow I think we were meant to meet because even our names are similar) she asked me if I am not called "he" I said yes and my mom was really really sweet about it. Fucking brilliant man. You don't know how much it broke my heart for my family to treat me like less of a person. It really was psychologically effecting me. Fucking beautiful

After stopping weed it will take a while for the depression to end. For me it takes a good 2 weeks before normal emotions are normal again but it will happen. Lastly, why are you stopping anyway?

It wasn't a choice really. I started smoking less and less, it was burning my lungs so I started skipping days of smoking which became now 3 days. I plan on smoking tonight

 

[DLD]

It wasn't a choice really. I started smoking less and less, it was burning my lungs so I started skipping days of smoking which became now 3 days. I plan on smoking tonight

Get a vaporizer or a water pipe, this will help big time.

 

[Turnover]

Get a vaporizer or a water pipe, this will help big time.

Favorably water is the way I go. Less weed; cleaner high. I know you Homies go with blunts I get pretty highafter a couple hits. I'm not a stoner, I like to smoke and be creative, for me it helps elevate my sense of logic and motivation. I've been smoking everyday for almost a year now so it feels good to stabilize a couple days to get grounded and see where I stand.

 

[DLD]

Favorably water is the way I go. Less weed; cleaner high. I know you Homies go with blunts I get pretty highafter a couple hits. I'm not a stoner, I like to smoke and be creative, for me it helps elevate my sense of logic and motivation. I've been smoking everyday for almost a year now so it feels good to stabilize a couple days to get grounded and see where I stand.

I stopped rolling blunts, it became way too harsh on my lungs. I use a water bong now and I am still feeling the harshness, I am going to order a vaporizer as many people have told me it is extremely gentle. My first year smoking weed was tough on me too, it would bring out the mania in me and I needed to learn to tame that. 5 years smoking now and I have grown to completely understand it.

 

[Turnover]

I stopped rolling blunts, it became way too harsh on my lungs. I use a water bong now and I am still feeling the harshness, I am going to order a vaporizer as many people have told me it is extremely gentle. My first year smoking weed was tough on me too, it would bring out the mania in me and I needed to learn to tame that. 5 years smoking now and I have grown to completely understand it.

That's because it is so freaking freezing over in Massachusetts!

 

[Turnover]

I have a job interview tomorrow and it is sounding promising so I think everybody's prayers are working. Keep it up. I'm really looking forward to the rest of this week. As soon as I finish typing here I'm going down to Santa Monica where I can check into a new housing program in a beautiful area, that is where Jim Morrison is from Not only that is I start hormones on Friday so it is like a moment of peace. It feels good to have a break from heartbreak and get to feel love. Ahh. I don't want to focus on it now but people where really fucked up in my neighborhood and I think its good remember it because I went through it. I was really upset with my mom for kicking me out but all these opportunities would have never been available otherwise. Although people have been really mean I finally made my hair look good and nobody is messing with me anymore. At least I learned how to be a girl and not a slut. There are a lot of reasons someone like me has to resort to that but I am more proud of myself more than I have ever been in my life I've come through this far. At least my mom is cool enough to TRY accepting me and that is very important to me. It's only been a full 3 months since I had gone through so much trouble and I wouldn't ask for another day longer

 

[DLD]

Manifestation can take hell and make it heaven instantly. It is all about what you are feeling, if you can feel about it you can bring about it.

 

[Turnover]

Manifestation can take hell and make it heaven instantly. It is all about what you are feeling, if you can feel about it you can bring about it.

Damn Straight, aint no pussyfootin' around it!

Ok, had my first shot today. 40cc lower right butt cheek I've got an interview in about 30 minutes How is it I couldn't believe my life was what is was all too often because I hated it and now I can't believe it is what it is because I love it! I decided I'm going to do the shots in a cycle so it will develop evenly through my body. I will be going once a month and the dr said I could start androgen blockers in a few more sessions. My plan is to take some pics but not post them until maybe 6 months goes by with more updated pics with the transformation, maybe longer. Face, breast, stomach, penis, ass.

I fixed my hair with bangs. I love bangs I am wearing interview clothes and I just want to fuck myself I look like a little office lady haha! Actually I got into an argument with a crackhead she said "you have to answer to god one day" and boy it felt good to call her and old ass ugly poor looser with no job and no life mind her own business and she cant judge me. I felt like we we're friends, she was yelling at me I was yelling at her. Well it didn't really feel good but I could not care less afterward I feel like I look great. I realized some important things dressed like this. It was like an Ohhhhh moment I figured out people expect me to be like this pretty sweet blonde girl who is nice to everybody like "hiii" and "thankkks" so I had to understand when people don't know I am ts how angry I can see people look. Its kinda difficult to explain what I mean is all this time I have let other people make me feel like embarassed or ashamed. They are poor morally and have nothing to show for it. I've still got a lot of work to do I'm looking forward to it though.

I understand what you mean about manifestation is about what you bring to it. You can feel good in a second, just snap, and you can feel good again. I've still got so much to learn. You can start to see yourself succeeding out of anything. I really "see" it like the world is changing with me. People are all doing the same thing but in my mind it is evolving what I am thinking and how I can change it. Everything was getting fucked up today I went to 4 Librarys before I got to this one and could sign on a computer, I keep dropping everything, and running into stuff, you know that kind of day. But even though it will make you feel angry with god because your like "hey god, give me a break, I'm trying to live here." You can just start feeling better about right then. Don't let a moment control your life, let your life be filled with many moments- good, bad, fun, sad. It is exciting.

 

[Turnover]

Nailed my interview I will be surprised if I didn't get it. As far as penis enlargement goes my routine has not suffered much more than it already has through out my months recuperating. Stretching random as usual, pumping always, & kegels. I'm hoping if I have problems with estrogen effecting my size I can use a stragey like in this post http://www.mattersofsize.com/forum/showthread.php?57860-Stretching-Earlobes-and-Penis Enlargement&highlight= An idea is after you have stretched your earlobes, to downsize for awhile and that will make the tissue in the ears fatter so the bigger you stretch it the thicker the skin will be....that's a plan of action I have. Well there isn't much to it if I had enough inspiration I could get new pics because my old pics are far from an accurate update. We'll see. Masturbating has not been as exciting as in the past. Once I get in a better set up I can do a lot more fun stuff with this website.

 

[Turnover]

Woke up feeling like hell today. I don't know what the problem is. I feel like I look so fucking good today. When I got to a mirror I looked in it to see if I looked different than when I left and I don't, everything is looking perfect... Why is it people think it is wrong to be a transsexual but they don't find it wrong to be rude and treat someone like shit? They have more than a couple screws loose. I can't wait for my hair to get at least shoulder length and laser on my face. FUCK

 

[Turnover]

I guess some days it will be feeling low. I feel so much better I signed up for this beautiful program in Santa Monica today. I have to remember when people make comments or are very rude to my face that I have to be the better person. I struggle because I have never had to go through this before, I mean when I was full time last time I wore makeup everyday and dressed really cute. Now it is hot and I feel tired and people just see a person with short hair and no make up, they go, is that a girl.... thats a guy? Sometimes they really freak out you should hear some of this shit. Well I was sad it got back into my thread here but I am not going to let that effect me here now either, right. I just hate waiting sometimes I want everything to be perfect yesterday but I feel so glad I can see it around the corner!

I met with a therapist today and she was so cool. I can tell she is from the ghetto and we just clicked. She told me she is putting in her hours to get her license and I told her that was impressive and she wanted to know what I meant by that. I told her that she is making the progress to achieve her goals. I never felt I could make it out of what I'd been through but with an example like hers I can feel I have a chance to succeed at whatever I want also. She took extra time to sign me up for the housing program and some extra paper work I had for another therapist to sign so I can keep paying my rent. Super important stuff and from now on I should keep making progress. It is just the immaturity I will struggle with when I get attacked. If I were to already have long hair trust me the issue would be so minimal. It is all part of the experience.

 

[Turnover]

Ok, I just updated but I have more update already. It may be a good idea to say I write this for myself again, I just want to keep a lot of what is happening recorded. It is a healthy exercise and if I end up writing my book it will be excellent to have these notes.

So I decided to dress androgynous this morning. I actually wore my usual outfit but I don't feel like grinding the razor against my chin so I kept it a very light shave. I wore baggy black bell bottoms. Slicked my hair straight back, and a regular tight shirt. You know I just feel like I am not in the mood this morning to deal with the comments good/bad. Well, next to the Library here, they are having some kind of Persian parade (looks like a lot of fun) and guess what I still am getting people starring at me and making little comments. Well like right before I got to the parade some guy was like "Mmm lemme get some of that"... yuck dirty bastard, so after that some people burst out laughing as I passed... I wonder if they all say the same joke. What I don't understand is I'm dressed like anybody. If anything I look closer to someone good looking and masculine I saw this movie Johhny Depp was wearing something like this, except he has a goatee, and my hair is getting long. So wtf are people confused about seriously? You know what it is its because I just look feminine in my face. Thats why it is happening. At least thats how I feel I hate feeling like a guy. I saw all these girls wearing booty shorts and come fuck me heels. Wtf they can wear that but I can't wear a tight shirt and loose fitting pants- it will never make sense to me. Anyways I look really fucking good and my chest is filling out. No matter what I wear I will be looking more like a chick than male. I've never been too hairy, I've always had smaller hands, and my nails are naturally longer. I live in the ghetto and its all poor people, ex-cons, and losers. People here do not like white people and my skin is a perfect shade of white- God Forgive ME! Soon I'll be able to move to a better are all of this will be in the past. For reals.

2nd day from my estrogen shot I woke up feeling pretty bad again, that is probably going to happen a couple of weeks. I will take pictures this week and post some if I like them. Otherwise I will save them for a future update I would rather not deal with being made fun of if that is not asking too much. After all I've been through I think honestly I am such a kick ass person. I think I can do something great one day, just because I'm transgendered it doesn't make me less of a person or I have to walk around feeling guilty all the time. I really want to get an updated photo of my penis and that doesn't make me a sick person either. Our bodies are all we have sometimes and we should make them the best we can, however we want, and mine is going to make me satisfied for me. Here at [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] we are interested in things that are the BIGGEST and the BEST so that is what I am going to do with every portion of my body- hips, legs, stomach, breasts, arms, face, hair, all of it. I feel like the only one who is making sense at times.

 

[Turnover]

Yay, picture day!

 

[Turnover]

Ok making an update here now: First thing I want to say is these are NOT professional pictures. I am proud of what I have accomplished though, it has been a Ton of work and all on my own. In another 6 months I will have massive changes. Hips, breast size, face, skin, hair, etc. I wore hardly any make up and you can see I have natural beauty with out any. If I were to wear a REALLY REAL sexy out fit, have professional pics done, and some surgical work ie breast implants-hair removal, I would be a model easily. That will come in time on its own. I am sad I have to wait and wait and wait when I have to put up with so much people talking shit you can see I do not look bad. Most women I see do not even compare to me plus once my hair is long and I know I will be sexually active again, I will work on my abs and I will be hotter than most genetic females. What really pisses me off is I have to wait to prove something to the world is not fair I should not have to prove shit. I look beautiful and these pictures do not even show how I look even better in real life. People are ruthless because I am not even a bad person, you can see now I was born to become this way.

I put a couple full body shots in here. I left out a few that I will show later with updated pics in the future. And for some reason I could not get a good pump today. Idk if it was feeling the pressure to take pictures or the estrogen was making it difficult. My hand from palm to thumb is 6-6.5". You probably cant tell in these pics but my girth has increased. On a good pump I'm sure I'm up to 6" I wouldn't be surprised if I could hit over it with some dedication in this pic I am around up to 5.5" lower shaft base girth. My chest is a little broken out because I have had razor burn from shaving too often recently but I will go ahead and show it anyway. You can see I have gained tissue. My hair is not perfect it will suffice for the photos at any rate. A couple of me from behind I don't think look so bad. I think that's it. I will re-update in a couple months.

I might add a couple tomorrow that I could not fit tonight

 

[Turnover]

I woke up and my face was looking more feminine than I have ever seen it this morning and none of my facial hair has grown back from shaving yesterday I was surprised. I woke up feeling so bad again I think it is because I am mixing all the natural hormones with the estrogen. Before I started estrogen I already woke up feeling dizzy in the morning as soon as I pop my dose of pills I feel better. I am taking about 1/2 the required dose now since starting estrogen. Last night all I did was think about how I did not like my penis photo. All the work I have put into it and my erection was week for a picture. For myself I can see very well I have gained because in the beginning my penis was shorter than my thumb. I would not be able to explain why I could not get my usual pump for the picture but I think I was nervous and I would not sit long enough while wearing it. I am going to do my best to get some better photos of my penis before more estrogen injections; especially before androgen blockers. The trouble is since I do not own a camera of my own anymore with decent quality it is difficult to borrow a camera when I am going to use it while jacking off. I also had very much fatigue yesterday and I masturbated 7 or 8 times since yesterday this morning.

Here's another set of pics that didn't make it yesterday.

 

[Turnover]

I was so depressed all night and today. It was feeling like a heavy blahh. I just gotta shake it off and get outside for a bit. I was also disappointed I didn't post better penis pics I was so sure when I posted them next they would be like unbelievable after a whole year. Well I don't think anybody looked at these pics anyways so I must still have plenty of time. I've had sessions I pulled my dick out of the [words=https://officialhydromaxpump.com/?uid=6&oid=2&affid=98 ]Bathmate[/words] and it looked so big it was looking like the size of the [words=https://officialhydromaxpump.com/?uid=6&oid=2&affid=98 ]X-40[/words] tube, that is the pictures I wanted to show! If anybody knows I know its not the end of the world (I mean personally in my life) and I know it is the hormones making me feel at such a low emotion. I'm just recording it here and usually by the evening I begin to feel better. But I wish I could be with someone so bad sometimes I think if I could have that it wouldn't effect me as much.

 

[Turnover]

I have had trouble holding an erection these past 3-4 days already. I masturbated only 2 times in 24 hours. Both times I was surprised at how soft I was. The orgasm was very good though. It is also making my penis feel stretchier than usual. I was thinking about how I used to post every minute of every exercise I would do and I miss that so I'm going to try and get back into posting that way, and I enjoy keeping my transition updated as well it is a good way to pay attention to the changes that are happening and it helps me work it out better.

 

[Turnover]

I woke up feeling great today. Not even dizzy from my other pills. My face is still soft and I can skip another day shaving, I shaved yesterday. I kegel'd and stretched last night for a little while, I haven't gotten erect at all. It is a nice break from constantly having boners.

There is a light sense of depression. But stronger than that something feels good.

I haven't heard anything negative today. I get jealous of girls really bad sometimes. Honestly the only reason I have so much trouble at times is because I live in a really poor area ATM and I believe people are jealous of me because of how I carry myself with so much confidence. Generally I think women are pushed around a bit more than males and I was not used to it.

I have been ignoring people who will be attracted to me and I have been through so much because I thought you might like me DLD, but you don't do you? If not can you tell me so I can get myself to move on? I'm sorry I am saying this in my thread but I can't imagine not being with you, have I been wrong all this time? I'm so scared to know the answer but I need to know. If it was yes I would wait however long you needed me to, and if it is no I won't stop coming to your site, but I would be so confused that I believed we would be together for so long. And it would hurt so bad. But it hurts so bad anyways because you wont answer me. I don't want to piss anyone off you know, I guess nobody knows wtf I have been going through, every night and every day I thought about you for 6 months, am I mistaken? You told me about Jen, but be honest and tell me about me- you and I could never be more than friends? I know you know that I feel this way, can you understand I am sorry that I feel this way? And I'm sorry if your other friends would treat you bad- because I can't get a clue. Please just understand I changed my whole life, it felt so good to believe it was true, but if its not its better that I know now, and not in another year or two that I have been so wrong for so long, is that ok?

 

[DLD]

I woke up feeling great today. Not even dizzy from my other pills. My face is still soft and I can skip another day shaving, I shaved yesterday. I kegel'd and stretched last night for a little while, I haven't gotten erect at all. It is a nice break from constantly having boners.

There is a light sense of depression. But stronger than that something feels good.

I haven't heard anything negative today. I get jealous of girls really bad sometimes. Honestly the only reason I have so much trouble at times is because I live in a really poor area ATM and I believe people are jealous of me because of how I carry myself with so much confidence. Generally I think women are pushed around a bit more than males and I was not used to it.

I have been ignoring people who will be attracted to me and I have been through so much because I thought you might like me DLD, but you don't do you? If not can you tell me so I can get myself to move on? I'm sorry I am saying this in my thread but I can't imagine not being with you, have I been wrong all this time? I'm so scared to know the answer but I need to know. If it was yes I would wait however long you needed me to, and if it is no I won't stop coming to your site, but I would be so confused that I believed we would be together for so long. And it would hurt so bad. But it hurts so bad anyways because you wont answer me. I don't want to piss anyone off you know, I guess nobody knows wtf I have been going through, every night and every day I thought about you for 6 months, am I mistaken? You told me about Jen, but be honest and tell me about me- you and I could never be more than friends? I know you know that I feel this way, can you understand I am sorry that I feel this way? And I'm sorry if your other friends would treat you bad- because I can't get a clue. Please just understand I changed my whole life, it felt so good to believe it was true, but if its not its better that I know now, and not in another year or two that I have been so wrong for so long, is that ok?

Not this again? Come on Turn, every time you start doing well you start with this again. You are my friend, period! I am not sexually attracted to anyone but Jen. I love you and only want to see you do well but when you put me in this position it really stresses our friendship.

 

[Turnover]

Not this again? Come on Turn, every time you start doing well you start with this again. You are my friend, period! I am not sexually attracted to anyone but Jen. I love you and only want to see you do well but when you put me in this position it really stresses our friendship.

its ok man thats all i wanted to know