I am near the EDGE

R

REDZULU2003

Well-known member
As the title suggests I am near the edge mentally.
I have lost my job as a leading fireman after 2 years service.

Why?
I cant cope.
Not the job but with people.
I suffer from anxiety, depression, nerves, post traumatic stess disorder, paranoia and also have VERY mild Autism.
How the fuck I got in is beyond me, anyway I cant cope around people anymore or go out the house without nearing a panic attack.

I am still getting over being battered just 8 months ago by 20 drunken youths, they scared me mentally and physically.
Also still getting over the death of a close freind a year ago.

I hear voices, have weird thoughts, dont know where I am sometimes, get confused, get nasty, sleep all day, feel fucked off. gone off sex ----- the list goes on and on.

I have been going down hill for AGES now.
But I kept plodding along, get on with it was the family motto....but I cant anymore.
My lastday at work was a bad one.

I was getting more and more nervous around people to the point where I would make excuses up to get out the situation, like get the hoses done instead of helping the victim.

In the end I confessed to the Station officer.

I am making an appointment with the Doctor soon...I need more stronger tablets and some pharapy or SOMETHING to help me.
I aint the confident person some of you imagine, I in reality am weak and pathetic.
I cant even go to the shop counter to pay for goods without getting hot and panicky thinking someone is looking at me and gunna attack me.

Jeez, this is not even 1/10th of the story, its all long and complicated not to mention boring.

But this is whats going on now.
I am out of work, getting no income , no sick pay....nope ya dont get that just like that in the UK....I have to see the Doc' to medically see I am unfit, than I have to sign papers [lots] and after that I am only on £52 a week.

Anyways, I just needed to tell you all.
I am very down at the minute, I lossed my job and am lonely.

I dunno what else I can do?
I am a mental mess.
 
Went to the doctors today.
Told him everything.
I am on new anti-depressants now than before, also has booked me in for some pherapy sessions to help with the attack I went thru'' months back.
Plus I am now off sick for 1 month...after that I go back to him and see whats cooking, I feel abit better knowing that their maybe hope, I just hope this postitiveness last's longer.

The REAL bad things are I have to put my Military career on hold, I aint fit to work at the moment, but I will work over the months to get normal/ish again and get that career I want.
 
Some people may flame me for saying this but you could try and develop a spiritual side to your life if you don't have one. I am not saying you should become a born-again Christian or anything like that, but maybe think critically about what your higher purpose in life really is and then once you figure that out, you won't care at all what other people think about you, rather you will only care about if you think you are a good person or not and that is all that will matter.

Also, it just sounds like you have had some bad luck in your life and have some bad luck when it comes to the genes your parents gave you in terms of stress management. Some people are better at it than others, but like you mentioned you can get help, though I think some of the corniest stuff can make you feel like a million bucks.

If you feel like you are useless, well why not do something like donate blood or volunteer for some kind of meaningful charity work that really genuinely helps someone. A lot of people get this kind of joy from all the responsibilities of raising and caring for their own children, but if you are a single guy like I am then you really need to make an effort to help other people out with some of their problems because when you start thinking about how useless you are, you will look back and realize that your life truly does have meaning.

For a start, go donate blood if you can and I guarantee you will feel better about yourself at least for a little while. Make this a consistent part of your life and you probably will be a lot less depressed since most people who get depressed usually do when they get bored and get stuck in a routine where they don't feel like doing anything anymore. When that happens, you just have to force yourself to do things or else you will never get out of that rut.

Anyways, if you don't already realize I am a lurker here, but whatever happens I hope you get back on your feet because I have enjoyed many of your posts over the last several months I have been lurking here and on other forums.
 
Hang in there man it will get better soon!!! I myself hit a rock bottom when I was 20 and ended up doing 3 1/2 years the state pen, when I got out I was so fuckin scared of talking to people, let alone meeting girls, I had no idea what was going on in the outside world for real because all I did in prison was play handball, basketball, ping pong and read books. It took me a long time to get over this but it came eventually, I still have spells where I think eveybody is looking at me and making fun of me. My best advice is continue to see your doctor that will help some, but you must face your fears head on one at a time, and one day at a time, you will begin to feel more comfortable with yourself each time you face your fears, do this face at least one a day, then begin to do more before long you should start to feel more confident evey time your put in a situation that makes you nervous!!! Good luck man!!!
 
I aint the confident person some of you imagine, I in reality am weak and pathetic
Click to expand...

C'mon man, it ain't like that at all. The fact that you had the balls to admit out loud that you have problems, swallow your pride and seek help makes you more of a man than you may realize.
From what I have gleaned from your posts, you seem to be a very steadfast young who's feet are firmly planted down on terra firma. A person who doesn't let the world kick him around, but instead does all the kicking himself! ;)

Hell, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably be in a helluvalotta worse condition... shit, like the beating you took from those 20 little faggots isn't something you just forget and brush aside... that kind of stuff leaves a scar, y'know?

Anyways, I'm glad you aren't one of those bull-headed types who refuse to seek help when they need it. One of those people, a man whom I've know since I was a wee lad, went through years and years of bi-polar disorder, and ended up hanging himself (this happened about a month ago), just when people thought he was doing better than ever. His seemingly boundless energy and outrageous, almost adolescent mannerisms were just a guise to deceive people from the dark reality he harbored deep inside.

Well, it's a relief to know that you arent chained by the code of macho ethics (i.e. grit your teeth and just bury all of that shit inside). You'll get out of this, and you'll be stronger than ever before.

Just hang in there man. The situation WILL improve, sooner or later. You just gotta have faith...

:bottumsup
 
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RED

Do your best to stay positive bud...and make sure you go to a good doctor...I'm no shrink myself but the truth of the matter is that you are simply not thinking clearly because of a few unhelpful associations that your subconscious mind has made. It is your subconscious mind that has linked a few things together that are causing you to feel the way that you do....

It may take some time but the only long term way to get back to reality and get positive is to figure out what these associations were and then realize that they were BS....trust me stay positive, work on these issues with someone trustworthy and when the moment comes when you get down to these thoughts and deprogram them I swear you will be laughing about it and be stronger than you have ever been...

We're all rooting for you....it takes balls of steel to admit that you are having some problems in your life...and that is the first step to solving them....so you are 100% on the right track....just decide to step back from that edge and solve your problems...
 
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personally I think man made anti depressants are terrible things.. but anyways.. your brainwaves are on certain frequencies (Beta Alpha Theta etc..) the Beta higher frequencies is where all anxiety/fear etc reside.. if you dont already have soulseek get it at www.slsknet.org and search "hemi sync", which is sound designed to get you to lower medative states of mind.. while listening practise quieting all thought.. for meditation techniques check out www.astralsociety.com forums (if its not your cup of tea ignore all spiritual talk and just find the meditiation methods)

bb
 
;) I feel better after reading this lot.
THANKS ALOT guys, the support and comments are real good, I will take note.
I feel better already, more kinda positive.
Am not gunna let myself get dragged and buried into a hole....I am gunna get out of this oneway or another.

Itll take a little while, but I will manage.

This however [support] really helps, its SURPRISING how much help this actually brings to me, thanks once more.
Hope I can return the favour.
 
good one AC.
Yes I forgot to mention what *they* got....ya wont belive it, infact you will all go APenis Enlargement.....this is BRITISH justice for ya.....are ya ready?

They only arrested ONE, the others got away apparently, or the ass who they got didnt say, but the good thing is he is the MAIN man, the MAIN coward the SUPPOSED leader.

Anyways it went to court and he got 3 months in prison for Common Assault :O rofl <<< UK Justice = rofl A JOKE.
He was arrested for GBH which is like min'' of 2/4 years here, it was dropped to ABH which is abit lesser than dropped again to common assault, he had a good lawyer on his side, we know the lwayer but he was doing his job no beef their.

But this WANKER [main cowward] was also up for ATTACKING another INNOCENT man, plus damaging cars, thieveing and drug abuse.....ALL added up he got 6 months.

3 months for me
1 month for £500 of car damage or around $800 [USA]
1 month for another assault
1 month for theft

rofl

COME TO THE UK all you gangs and fuckers cos ya get off with EVERYTHING HERE, only thing ya dont get away with is Child cases and Fraud apart from that its rofl

Hes long out now, but I can sit in bed at night knowing he *wont do it again* I cant say what happened exactly .... all I can say is he aint the same since, and noone hears of his crimes no more....he was notorious with the police and the shit tip he lived at....now not a peep ;)

As for the others......I have to let them go, but I hope they get KARMA ONE LONG COLD DARK NIGHT.
Mutha fuckas.

I have pherapy on me mental and physical since the attack, damn they should have been locked up for years......dont even ask why, all I can say is its UK Justice....any UK guy here will back me up IT STINKS.
 
Man, talk about injustice!!! :fight: :fight:
These pussies should be punished according to the ancient law of Hammurab: a tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye!!! They should blindfold and tie these dickless fucks up and let you unleash your vengeance upon them, one by one! Now that's what I would call justice! And they sure as hell would never assault anyone again after such a punisHydromaxent...

It's the same in my country. Here you don't even necessarily get jailtime (if you're a first time offender) for kicking the shit outta someone, you just have to pay some fines, that's all. Simple pickpocketing and probably even shoplifting is looked upon as being a more severe crime than if you cause someone bodily harm intentionally. How fucked up is that??!! >:( >:(
 
Red. Glad you've finally gone to the doc about it, you've taken the first step to helping yourself - well done.

My brother-in-law was on a night out a few years ago and was on his way home when he was set upon by a load of drunks for no apparent reason. He's now got a metal plate in his head and won't drink and is reluctant to go for a night out anymore. I wish I was there when it happened. Hindsight's a wonderful thing eh?

Anyhow, hope you feel better soon.

Slam
 
Well I kinda feel better.
But I think the tablets have made me real REAL aggresive.
When I snap now I really snap, maybe its a temp thing? but thats the only disadvantage thus far.

I have been feeling okay, until today .... kinda feel pissed of again.
 
THANKS ALOT MAN, I wonna say to you all that my mind is all over the show, I mean I am snappy at the moment, so if you guys notice this at least you know why....I aint being funny with anyone personnaly, just that I am feeling like shit.
 
Hey Red,

You'll be all right... alot of people at the top fall every now and then... you just have to have the tenacity to get up again and say fuck it and laugh it off.

Check your PM
 
Originally posted by MCTFB
Some people may flame me for saying this but you could try and develop a spiritual side to your life if you don't have one. I am not saying you should become a born-again Christian or anything like that,
Click to expand...

Although I am not religious (as most people should know by now), I agree with this in some respect. I would call it more getting in touch with your "philosophical side." Figure out your purposes, your goals, what you need to do, what you can do, how to,etc.
 
Red hang in there, this really sucks. You have been such an inspiration to me as I have been reading your posts since the PP days.

I can also say how fucked the UK justice system is, my next door neighbour got beaten up by his BOSS and got screwed out of his money, the man only got a fine not even a sentence.

But at least you know you have a problem which is the first step to being cured.

Hope you get better. :)
 
Originally posted by REDZULU2003
THANKS ALOT MAN, I wonna say to you all that my mind is all over the show, I mean I am snappy at the moment, so if you guys notice this at least you know why....I aint being funny with anyone personnaly, just that I am feeling like shit.
Click to expand...


RED what medications did he give you? There me be a 4 to 6 week adjustment period until the medications gets to a therapuetic dose. I know for myself I am still adjusting my meds after years:s You have to be real easy with yourself and realize it is going to take some time so don't be hard on yourself.

You have already made some very big steps in going to see a doctor and bringing your emotions to the group. Things will get better because your doing the right stuff.

I will keep you in my prayers.

DLD
 
Redzulu....can I recommend some good reading that has had a profound impact on my life? The first book is called "Maximum Acheivement" by Brian Tracy and the second book is "Telling Yourself the Truth" by William Backus and Marie Chaplan. The second book has a lot of spiritual stuff but if you can get past that it is a good book. The principle of the book is to find positive and real truths about yourself that you know are true and tell them to yourself verbally everyday. The first book by Brian Tracy is basically about the same, but even better. It contains several "laws" that when applied can change your life. It's more about how the mind believes what it is told if told enough times. So start telling yourself some real, postive, and true facts about yourself that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt to be true. It works!
 
Red, hang on stay on the meds give them time to work.
US courts are A damn joke as well they stole $7000. from me and gave me $1200 back and tried to tell me how lucky I was to get any back:fight: :fight: :fight:
anyway don't give up things will get better, I will be praying for you as well.
LT
 
just a quick update on my progress in case anyone wants to know.

I seem tobe more content recently, I am also trying toget back with my ex so thats helped.
Receiving therapy soon, and my medication is kicking in along with the BAD side-effects of the other wearing out, these side effects included mania and violent fits :O
I still get bad episodes but no where near as bad.

Since leaving this board full-time and haveing a break has done me the world of good.
I have only posted about 4/5 times in the last few days, I wasnt suppost to, well I said I wasnt but I had to discuss things with a freind and congratulate the new mods, plus theirs this.

Yes so its looking BETTER thank god, my girl freind could be coming back, I will be back in work by the months end and my mind is feeling better, but I have to keep this up and not let slip.

I shall be back here full-time back to normal in 2/3 weeks but if things carry on going great for me I may stay part time [coming here few times a week].

I also saw the superbowl and I wanted Carolina to win, De homme was so unlucky he played a BLINDER, it was the kickers fault he blasted a shit one right near the end, damn that gave NE great field position ad they took full advantage of it.

cya guys soon
 
Glad to hear it RED. Time and dedication are the best healers. Life can't be shitty all the time. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel. This is where we must keep going.

Good luck
Lappner
 
Zulu man, first i gotta say i know where you're coming from on UK justice. Its the shits, makes me wanna get into politics just to lock the twats up and keep them off the streets. I'm all for plenty of jailtime for scum like this.

Just hang in there man. There is nothing original i can say. You *will* heal over time. You do *not* know what good things might happen tomorrow. I took a few setbacks 2 years ago and suicidal thoughts filled my head real quick. I lost my girl, my job, my self-esteem, my confidence and developed some strange dark thoughts. Its hard to explain but life became meaningless and seemed to have no point at all. There seemed to be no light at the end of the tunnel. Shit, i couldnt even see the tunnel.

But i've come through it all. I am happier now, and my confidence and joy at life has returned. I am glad i stuck it through and am looking forward to things. You are not alone mate. And when you are better you *will* be stronger. All those cliches are TRUE :)

On a practical level, i found this helpful - think of those worse off than you and be glad for what you have. Think of the people who have lost limbs in accidents and how much they would give to be you. Think of the starving kids in the world, the people dealing with cancer, aids etc. My point is you should remind yourself how much you have to be thankful for.
Personally i watch a lot of history/war documentaries, and never stop being humbled by the stories of guys like you and me (probably younger) who lost their lives fighting for a cause they believed in...and we dont even know their names.

Anyway, hope some of my rambling makes sense. You're a hell of a positive contributor to this place and I'm sorry to see you are down temporarily.
 
Just gonna throw my $0.02 in as well.

I don't have half the experience that some of the guys here have, I'm only 18 after all, but I've been through some tough shit myself.
Up until I was about 14, I was the kid in school who didn't really have any friends. I hung around with this group who didn't really like me, they used to pick on me and stuff and they didn't talk to me, y'know. Then one day I figured I'd had enough. I walked away and spent every moment of free time by myself, I promised I wouldn't go back to them no matter what.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, I met a girl and fell in love. She loved me too but we couldn't get together cos she couldn't leave her psycho bf, and I got fucked over for 2 years. I was headed for a mental breakdown - I nearly did go crazy because of it and I was lucky that she left.
So I reformed again. I became massively more confident around everyone and everything, after all, nothing could possibly hurt me as much as what had happened. I'm now much happier and probably the only popular kid I know who has no enemies. I can take the fucking world on.

The point to this story has already been expressed (much better) in other posts. You can turn your life around, no matter where you are, no matter how low, no matter what, you can go from the bottom to the top.

My idol in life is Frank Sinatra. I love his music for one thing, but even if you don't, some of his life can really be inspiring. He was probably the most popular singer in America in the 40s, and then in the early 50s - his career plumeted, he'd left his family for a wife who didn't love him, he was abandoned by all his labels, his voice was haemorraging, he was trying to kill himself, he was down to 120lb, he was a total wreck.
But he landed a role in a movie he was perfect for, won an Oscar, and blasted back to the top of his form. Having hit rock bottom, his work had 5 times the power and emotion, the public adored him again, he was a superstar.

Plus Sinatra was hung like a fucking horse. No kidding.

Red, we're with you brother :)
 
Well REDZULU2003, you have got to stop feeling sorry for yourself. You Must assert yourself, gain confidence, listen to people as talk to you and give you advise. Have a few bevies mate, try smoking the wacky tabacy, learn to relax. If you continue to feel depressed have a wank. don't go through life getting puddled. I don't know how old you are, but I bet that your under thirty, single, and do not have any social life. Try going down the boozer, have a game of darts, or snooker, try getting a nice piece of tail, or a good Blow Job. This is from someone who has been there mate.

REDZULU2003 said:
As the title suggests I am near the edge mentally.
I have lost my job as a leading fireman after 2 years service.

Why?
I cant cope.
Not the job but with people.
I suffer from anxiety, depression, nerves, post traumatic stess disorder, paranoia and also have VERY mild Autism.
How the fuck I got in is beyond me, anyway I cant cope around people anymore or go out the house without nearing a panic attack.

lossed my job and am lonely.

I dunno what else I can do?
I am a mental mess.
Click to expand...
 
I know that justice in Britain is not justice deserved, You know when my mate was beat up by a few aresoles, he took the law in his own hands, and highered a few big lads, it cost him a few quid, but the results where well worth the pay. One of arsoles had a broken knee cap, another a couple of smashed fingers, and the leader, well lets just he will not be in any shape to do that again. he's a cripple for life. Now that's revenge. I suggest that you higher a couple of Irish lads or a couple scoucers. Better still go down the smoke and look around Soho, You will be surprised what a few quid in the right hands in will do. Just make sure that you identify the leader and get him first, then get the lads to persuade the bastard to identify the rest, if you do not know who they are. Ho just one more thing, make sure that you are there when the lads put the boot in. and make sure that the bastards know who is paying for the makeover.


As for the others......I have to let them go, but I hope they get KARMA ONE LONG COLD DARK NIGHT.
Mutha fuckas.

I have pherapy on me mental and physical since the attack, damn they should have been locked up for years......dont even ask why, all I can say is its UK Justice....any UK guy here will back me up IT STINKS.[/QUOTE]
 
Bullmoose said:
I know that justice in Britain is not justice deserved, You know when my mate was beat up by a few aresoles, he took the law in his own hands, and highered a few big lads, it cost him a few quid, but the results where well worth the pay. One of arsoles had a broken knee cap, another a couple of smashed fingers, and the leader, well lets just he will not be in any shape to do that again. he's a cripple for life. Now that's revenge. I suggest that you higher a couple of Irish lads or a couple scoucers. Better still go down the smoke and look around Soho, You will be surprised what a few quid in the right hands in will do. Just make sure that you identify the leader and get him first, then get the lads to persuade the bastard to identify the rest, if you do not know who they are. Ho just one more thing, make sure that you are there when the lads put the boot in. and make sure that the bastards know who is paying for the makeover.


As for the others......I have to let them go, but I hope they get KARMA ONE LONG COLD DARK NIGHT.
Mutha fuckas.

I have pherapy on me mental and physical since the attack, damn they should have been locked up for years......dont even ask why, all I can say is its UK Justice....any UK guy here will back me up IT STINKS.
Click to expand...
[/QUOTE]

Is this JAMICIANJOE?
 
Is this JAMICIANJOE?
Click to expand...

The IPs are different, but they seem to come from the same root host (BigPipe) in Calgary, Alberta. Given the near identical IPs and near identical writing styles, I'd say "most likely yes".
 
I'd say they are the same, the IPs look dynamic.
Hes in the SAME forums as lastime lol ''try better mate'' and still talks trash.
I am WELL over this mate, I am in a high profile career and them yobs who attacked me back than, are HISTORY which was allready explained in the thread IF YOU READ lol .
Your comments, TROLL-Like towards members unrivals you for whom you are, Jamaican Joe.
Your not Jamican nor British, your a LOSER.
Dont come here givin ME advise cos its bollocks what ya said, been watching TOOOOOOOOOO Many Gangsta films me ole son and the trash that comes out that mouth is comedy, I mean tellin me I have no social life and need sex and this and that lol cheeky swine, ya know NUTHIN SON.
I posted loads of pix in the past of my STUNNING ex and given TONS of advice out on social situations with no issues from members.
At the time I wrote this thread I was a MESS mentally as the BROTHERHOOD here knows, I came back stronger than ever before and its behind me now.
Dont need stupid un-empathetic comments from the likes of you, whom come here to STUR the pot cos ya a TROLL.
One step outta line and ya banned son, I aint takeing any messing.
Take some advice from me me mon lol GET A LIFE YOURSELF and STOP PLEASE STOP acting on the net as peeps ya not, cos its sad and desperate.
Your the one with no social life mate and need a tail lol CERTAINLY not me.
I can get all the tail I want.
Do [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] a favour..... PISS OFF, you were BANNED ONCE as Jamaican Joe for takeing the piss outta Jamaicans on here and sturring up trouble so take hint and move-on punk.
lol say you come from Runcorn, I PATROL Runcorn myself on some shifts ya come from Canada ROFLMAO ya live in CUKOO LAND.
You belong in chatrooms.
 
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Thats my Big Al, go hunt this T R O L L and PS I am SORRY for having that debate over this guys situation in the mod section, when I said give him a chance and he MAY have changed lol what a dick I was.
DO WHAT YA WANT with this drip as-far as I'm concerned.
 
bigbutnottoo said:
I must of missed something because I dont see anything this guy did or said thats a big deal.
Click to expand...

Ya missed it mate lol nah we got diz under control leave it with the admin now.
This guy was BANNED under the name of Jamican Joe and he than caused trouble here with members and took the piss outta Jamaican men with silly talk PLUS Big Al proved to us behind the scenes that he is a TROLL from other sites so we banned him, and I GAVE HIM X2 Chances I even UN-BANNED him once as I thought he deserved a 2nd chance, MORE FOOL ME lol

Now hes back as someone else, he loves in cloud cukooland and says hes from one place and is such a body when infact he lies and insults people.
We found out his IP and hostname are the same as JJ so hes in reality not supposed to even be here.

He a trouble maker plain and simple, tried to work me up in here with this thread and lack of empathy in his comments showed that.
 
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