Something I wrote in my spare time

Well, I hope someone appreciates this. I'm feeling a little less suicidal.
My view on this subject.


I look down, I am ashamed of myself. Why?
Because I am circumcised.

Through no choice of mine was I circumcised. It was done at birth. Frequently I am depressed about this. Why would anyone defile my body like that? This is a disgusting feeling I get from time to time. Especially because some people actually support it. That to me is the most disgusting thing in the world. And that some people like the look? What is their problem? Needless to say, I would never be a friend to a person that supports this or a person who likes it regardless of lost sensitivity, regardless of religion or not. Those people to me, are the same people who become suicide bombers and kill gays.

Sometimes in bed, when my heart palpitates, I think I might die. I sometimes hope I do, but I don't. I gasp a little and breath deeply for oxygen. I forget to eat for hours when I think about this horrible subject. As I am writing this, I forgot to eat or drink in the past 5 hours. It's actually 3:45 AM right now. I am very tired, but I cannot handle keeping these thoughts inside me.

Atleast once a day I am depressed for more then 1 hour on this. And to think it wasn't my fault. It is like being born without legs, but worse, because someone did this to me. I could accept a deformity by nature, but that somebody did this to me... I cannot. Especially because it was a female. That makes it 10x worse. That evil little bitch. If I find her I'll circumcise her pretty little vagina. Regardless if she saw the errors of her ways. That may seem evil, but not half as evil as never even getting to be complete for the first hours of my life. I will never forgive her. And I know I will never forgive my parents.

To think, this is all society's fault, but that some people are so unwilling to speak up about it and stop it sickens me. They just take everything for granted, so they just do what they are taught.

We're humans, we're better then this. But why aren't we being better then this? This confuses, and sickens me. I am at a total loss that I am born at this time and they have this weird tradition of cutting off parts of my penis. No one has that right to violate my body like that. It should not even be an issue, but some little fuck had to make something out of nothing. I guess one could say the same thing about gay rights. I don't even know why the fuck there is a "gay rights." It should be rights period, no fucking sexual preference listed. I'm sorry, but I believe sexual preference shouldn't give you different rights, you idiotic heterosexual christians. That's like saying there should be a "black rights."

If you're a circumciser, these questions need to be asked to you:
Do you enjoy destroying one's body? Do you enjoy destroying one's mind? Does hippocrates law not apply to you? Is this what your "god" tells you to do?

I believe, my body and mind were destroyed by this. I guess in one way, I am strengthened. But I would rather never have had this pain in the first place.

It's 4:00 AM. I took about 20 minutes out of my time to write this, and edit it.

If I could delete this for the sheer homicidal tendencies it has I would but I can't even PM a mod, let alone email any of them. And the edit options are disabled.
I regret putting this up here, but I hope no one takes offense to it.
For the record, I'm gay, if that didn't make any sense.
And no I'm not against religions or females. But I sure wrote like I was.

Jamian said:

If I could delete this for the sheer homicidal tendencies it has I would.

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Lighten up, Francis.

Hey man, don't apologize for letting your insides spill out. How the F are people supposed to work through their grief otherwise? I've had the palpitations thing in the past. I think I'm through with it, and then I see something online or hear from some guy who just discovered that half his fucking sensations are missing, and I have another round of grief.

But the fact that I'm so close to being restored helps me put it out of my mind. I'm just thankful that I didn't find out about restoration any later in life.

-Ron

Welcome to the forum, Jamian. You're in the right place. You can spill your guts here and it's o.k.

Get to work, pal!!!!

Thanks guys. I do feel better that people know where I'm coming from.
I tried to output my anger in a positive way by becoming a body builder (outputting one's anger doesn't work like that, because they're not going to be angry every time they work out).
But that is bullshit, I wanted to have abs. Eventually, that evolved to wanting become jacked, and now I want the ability to be able to eat everything in sight and be able to burn it all off.
So now, I am vegan, human/gay/animal rights activist, anti-circumcision. And to me, I am in my own eyes perfect in that way.
What was the point of stating that? I don't know, but I was on a roll.
Ah well, life is mysterious, and humans are odd creatures.
Thanks for the greetings. Oh... and happy new year for those who care :D

I liked reading that. Welcome to the dark side.

It definitely doesn't do much to help depression or self-confidence when you feel like there is something missing there. You are probably in the Anger phase of the grief cycle (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance) Most of us have been there. If you are proactive, you restore and make your body whole again.

or you can go to www.tlctugger.com:)

Thanks for the comments guys. I guess I should give a little background though, because some of you are probably thinking "this guy just found out about this."

All my life my surroundings have been pretty harsh on me. I am not just talking about circumcision. I have 2 autistic younger brothers. Thus, I never really found the time to talk to my parents. My dad always had to work, and for my mom, clean the house. And when they weren't doing that, they were busy dealing with my younger brothers.

I was overweight, but I really didn't notice it. And no one really said I was fat either (and they still say I wasn't fat before,) except for my mom. Last year, I did something about it though, when I noticed I was indeed overweight. I weighed 207 pounds at 5'6 and my doctor (the last time I saw him was a year ago, I never want to see him again after I found out he supports circumcision) was telling me I should lose weight. Actually, most of the weight was from my legs, from playing dance dance revolution. I was always an expert in the things that I liked. Why not take them all the way to the edge?

Getting back on track, I decided to indeed lose weight. I weigh 150 now at about 5'7 or 5'8, probably around 12% body fat. I lost the first 50 pounds after researching many things on the internet and buying an online manual on burnthefat.com along with becoming vegan. I applied my own knowledge after that point on from what I learned from every internet site and book I read. Which, then took up weight training and later became a body builder, gaining about 7.5 (in case you're not keeping track, this puts me at 165 pounds,) and finally lost 15 pounds on a cutting phase and I am still currently going on that.

With being vegan, by the way, I love animals (I am a furry, feel free to look that up if you wish,) and believe mass producing them and killing them is totally wrong. I thought by being vegetarian that you are supporting the same people who kill the cows after milking them. And for all they care, as long as they make money they will continue to do both. Which is kind of like saying you want infant circumcision but not circumcision itself totally outlawed. You're giving the incentive to the doctors when a person is at the legal age to be pushed into the operation by the doctor, so that the doctor can make more money. Needless to say, they are both absolutely disgusting.

Now to how circumcision really affects me...

I have been severely depressed about this for more then 1 year, and I have been to 3 psychiatrists and am currently seeing 1 psychologist right now.

The first psychiatrist was to evaluate how depressed I was, and evaluated me on 4 out of 10 on a scale. This was in the beginning, when I was depressed and confused about who I was.

The second psychiatrist was a four winds to evaluate whether my family was hurting me or not. They weren't, so that was rather a useless evaluation forced by a school.

The third psychiatrist was to evaluate my intelligence on a percentile, which I scored in 97%. He tried to cheer me up by saying only 3% of the people of the world were smarter then me. That didn't really say anything about my condition, but at least I knew I wasn't stupid. He also said that I was severely depressed and could qualify for medication if I opted to.

No, of course I didn't want any medication, I wanted to feel the way I do without anything changing it. My psychologist also keeps telling me that she thinks medication will help.

Why? To dull the pain that others around cause me? No thanks, I'll pass. She says she's alright with that, but she still recommends it. I will probably stop seeing her because it's now becoming a waste of time and money to be told only medication can help.

During the time I am depressed, I write songs and draw. I don't do it as much as I used to. Mostly, I just further research circumcision and try to find an answer. The question isn't to clear to me really and neither is the answer. What am I looking for? I guess I am looking for a reason to try to continue life.

Occasionally, once or twice people have asked me "Maybe this goes deeper then circumcision." Maybe it does, but I am too hurt by the subject itself to really explore it deeper. But, I have thought of it. I am at a crossroad with suicide and being atheist. There's no point to dying at such an early age as one of my friends told me, but I think I am trying to find a reason to die at this early at my life, so I do not have to continue dealing with the same pain and the new pain to come.

Onto foreskin restoration...

I have found in my research, that with new skin, new nerve endings do not grow. That is probably the only difference in restored cut men and uncut men. The nerve endings that are there are rather stretched, and loss of sensitivity occurs because of this stretching. However, the loss really probably isn't noticeable, though, and is of course worth the following benefits: Keratin (an insoluble protein substance, in this case that forms on the glans from exposure to harsh conditions) breaks down and can be completely rid of. During sex, the head was supposed to be massaged by the foreskin, not the vaginal/anal walls. This increases sensitivity for at least of course the male partner, if not both partners.

I have included in my signature, how exactly I felt about being circumcised. The paragraphs are directed at multiple people. But it focuses on one main group, the circumcised. It's harsh, but I feel it's the only way I want to get my message across.

Well, I feel a lot better after I got that off of my chest.

If you have taken time out of your day to read this, thank you. If at least one person reads this, then I know it was all worth the time it took.

PS: I actually found this site through the tlctugger.com. So there's no need to give me any links on that. I've researched and I've pretty much seen every site that has to do with foreskin.

But when you are restored, you can feel the movement of the foreskin over the glans. And the nerve endings might stretch, but it will feel better than before because they will be protected.

I have been severely depressed as well, but it does get better. You never know what will happen later in your life.

Do you have any inner foreskin left? Do you still have your frenulum? I figure when I am done restoring, it will function and appear very similarly to a real one that I had for 2 days. >

There is no point for me. I have decided just to give up on caring about this, and to never have sex in my life. I am just in the unlucky 10% of the population of the world. I hope in the future, circumcision will be totally abolished. I was just born in the wrong time, I guess.

I also hope others don't end up like me. I am depressed, confused, and lost. And it is stupid to believe that it will get better. I will keep living if it means I can help others turn out okay, though.

Regardless of what people think, whether they think I am crazy or I am just plain stupid, I have been this way for (atleast in my mind,) a long time. I believe I feel more comfortable staying this way though... I don't feel like living in denial and I know it is the only way I will still stay strong about the subject. I know I am mutilated, broken, incomplete. I was marred at birth. I don't know if I really accept myself the way it is. I know I can't have it any other way though.

I don't think much people care really about how I feel though, so I will stop there. Feel free to throw that much around as you guys want.

Don't worry bud, 90% of guys have had this operation. Actually, most guys who haven't been circumsized say they try to hide their foreskin by pulling it back when their penis is exposed, and most girls think the sight of an uncircumsized penis is gross. You know there are ways to restore your foreskin if you really see the need.

goldmember said:

Don't worry bud, 90% of guys have had this operation. Actually, most guys who haven't been circumsized say they try to hide their foreskin by pulling it back when their penis is exposed, and most girls think the sight of an uncircumsized penis is gross. You know there are ways to restore your foreskin if you really see the need.

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Why the fuck would I care about their horrible opinions? Did you even read anything I wrote? I don't care about those fucks who prefer an amputated dick over the one that one was naturally born with.

10% of the people in the world are circumcised. You're horribly off.

all i can say is chill out man! like you say - you cant change it, its done! sometimes its better to accept something the way it is and be happy than worry and stress about things that are just making you depressed. at least you CAN have sex, tell that to all the impotent guys! smile and be happy dude!!

EVO said:

all i can say is chill out man! like you say - you cant change it, its done! sometimes its better to accept something the way it is and be happy than worry and stress about things that are just making you depressed. at least you CAN have sex, tell that to all the impotent guys! smile and be happy dude!!

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I don't think I can, or for that matter, want to accept someone mutilated me.

That to me, would be crazy.

And that is disgusting rubbing in a man's face who is impotent the fact that I can have erections. That would be like a uncircumcised man rubbing the fact that he was uncircumcised and I wasn't. I can't control fate, and neither could the impotent man.

It doesn't change the way I feel about the situation, though. Something that wasn't my fault and was caused by another human being, like I said, I really can't accept. It hurts to try.

you've got some serious problems man

goldmember said:

you've got some serious problems man

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This is coming from a person who would cut a part of their penis off just so they could get laid?

One question man are u trying to Restore u foreskin.

Jamian said:

This is coming from a person who would cut a part of their penis off just so they could get laid?

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i hope that was a joke

Jamian said:

And that is disgusting rubbing in a man's face who is impotent the fact that I can have erections.

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hHydromaxmm, your attitude is very negative to every comment, to people trying to help you, out of pure kindness! i wasnt rubbing an impotent mans face in it, i was trying to put things into perspective for you. if your only purpose in this forum is to create a negative atmosphere, and say negative things about the people who are trying to help you - then you deserve to be banned!
if however you are actually trying to help yourself in what ever way possible - maybe growing your foreskin back!? im sure theres plenty of people willing to help.