Hey, I'm KC, 19 years old and I guess you could call me a straight up lurker. This post is really just more of a rant to people I assume might be able to relate because of the nature of this forum. I know it's long, but basically, this has all been bottled up for years, so, you know, uh, don't read it if you don't really give a shit about why some people turn to Penis Enlargement. :s
I got into Penis Enlargement way early, around 13, when I found a book about sex my mom had buried in her closet. I learned all sorts of things about the anatomy of the penis, how to hold in ejaculations (I don't do that anymore, but I used to do it nonstop... basically you press a spot between your anus and scrotum right before you blast and it diverts the cum into your bladder... odd I know but I thought it was cool at the time :blahblah: ) and various other things 13 year olds really shouldn't be concerning themselves with. I also experimented with tension exercises (much like what you guys do with the [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]power assist[/words]) and hanging. At 14 I "succeeded" in detaching a ligament, it scared the SHIT out of me but didn't hurt, it just felt like I had released something. I had no idea what happened. :O
Before that point I was 6" X 4.5", and really didn't see a damn thing wrong with it, but after that lig pop (and about 12 weeks of hanging) I was an even 7" inches, and of course to a young kid that's pretty incredible to be able to do something like that. I fooled around with what little info there was at the time about jelqing, and by the time I was 17 I had hit 7.2" X 5". Here's where the shit hit the fan. :biggun:
I think about everyone gears up to lose their virgin status around 18 :dance:. I know I was damn ready. Well, I had gone through lots of little relationships by that time, all bad but I had ended them all, so really when I turned 18 I had pretty good self-esteem. I'm only 5' 4" 125 lbs, but I got invited to parties all the time because I was the short funny guy, the jester, I always made people laugh. At 18, I was used to seeing random 14-15 year olds being 4-5 inches taller than me which was annoying to say the least
. But, as we probably all have, I had read countless studies, surveys, and polls that said I was probably bigger that a good bit of them in the meat department. In my head, I was short, but where I was lacking a few inches in height I made up for down there. So basically, I felt relatively even and balanced and happy with myself. :rocker:
Well, enter the first :girl: I ever loved. I say that so seriously, because I had heard "I love you" from other girls before but as you know, some of them don't take that word too seriously and use it quite flippantly. I TAKE IT SERIOUSLY
. This one, Abbie, was not the first girl to say it to me but she was the first one I believed, and she was the first girl that I ever replied the same back to her. We both moved (coincidentally) 400 miles from where we were to the SAME TOWN, and I thought it was destiny. I wanted to be with her forever. I cared for her more than anything and when she hurt, I hurt. I felt so connected to this woman. Well, to make a long story short, the first time we had sex we were both under the influence. It wasn't great, and we just sorta stopped in the middle of it because we couldn't stay coordinated. I didn't think alot of it, but I did get really bad vibes. The second and third times, stone cold sober, my suspicions were confirmed. She was a fucking bucket. I could stick my entire penis inside her and not touch the walls or the cervix. Hotdog down a hallway. To put it bluntly, ABOSOLUTELY DEVESTATING. Later she admitted that her first was HUGE, at least 10x6, and that while I was "big", it just really didn't compare at all. I couldn't make her feel me. She would say things like "It feels great" and "Don't stop" but her body and her face said otherwise. Likewise, I couldn't feel much of her at all unless I really tried. Well, to teenagers with raging hormones sexual compatibility is basically a must, and we fell apart soon after. The most humilating experience ever. :bomb:
Basically, the whole ordeal shattered my self-esteem, my ego shot itself in the face and all the qualities that a man needs to be confident, once they no longer had an ego for support, quickly dissolved under the weight of my subconscious :idea:. Now, I was short, small, useless, weak, and whole slew of other negative things that were all subconscious conclusions. Now, when my mind isn't busy, my subconscious takes over and floods my thoughts with these horrible memories and what it's been convinced I am. As I lay down to sleep and as I wake up, I am overwhelmed by a deep, dark, almost sinister call that says "YOU CAN -NOT- BE WHO YOU ARE. IT IS PATHETIC. YOU MUST CHANGE. YOU MUST BECOME WHAT YOU ARE NOT, AND IF YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN ONLY EXPenis EnlargementCT MY VOICE TO GROW LOUDER"... it's on an endless loop. :blasting:
Now, I don't get invited to parties. I am a "downer". I do not laugh and smile and converse, I sit and drink and look around searching for something I can't see. People always ask me, even on the street, "Are you ok?". Coworkers continously say "What's wrong?". To put it simply, I am in a complete and utter rut :baby:. I believe that until my subconscious is convinced that a scenario like that can NEVER happen again, I will remain in this dejected state. Before you get too hasty, let me tell you that I heard it all from everyone. It's just one girl, lots of fish in the sea, she was a whore, your size is just fine, etc etc etc. Whatever. Even my mother left my dad for a guy with a 10 inch cock. Basically, my experiences have done nothing but reiterate my subconscious conclusion that unless I am at LEAST 8x6, I will never be anything to anyone. There will ALWAYS be a guy with a giant cock fucking the girls you care about most. :flame:
I can't even look people in the eyes for too long anymore, even people I have known for years. I want to get back to how I used to be, who I really am. And, I -know- I should not have let this ONE experience affect me the way it has. It's sad, and I'll be the first to admit it. :banghead: But it's no longer MY decision to act and feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. It's true that MANY people manufacture their own unhappiness simply by thinking unhappy thoughts. I am way past mourning, way past pity, way past all the post-breakup phases. This is residual. This disabled part of my personality is a result of my ego being seriously seared. And my subconcious refuses to let that burn heal. Not until I am different.
All that being said, I am on a serious quest to be happy with myself and confident once again by the time I am 21
rotest:. I have 18 months. I have ordered an orginal raise: Bib and signed up for a membership to [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]. I will measure ONCE every 3 months. I am praying that this endeavor, this commitment to changing myself, really will be my crazy cure to this degraded state I'm in. Wish me luck! Starting pics below... not the best erection... it's hard to get hard taking pictures of yourself?
:wave: :clank:
I got into Penis Enlargement way early, around 13, when I found a book about sex my mom had buried in her closet. I learned all sorts of things about the anatomy of the penis, how to hold in ejaculations (I don't do that anymore, but I used to do it nonstop... basically you press a spot between your anus and scrotum right before you blast and it diverts the cum into your bladder... odd I know but I thought it was cool at the time :blahblah: ) and various other things 13 year olds really shouldn't be concerning themselves with. I also experimented with tension exercises (much like what you guys do with the [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]power assist[/words]) and hanging. At 14 I "succeeded" in detaching a ligament, it scared the SHIT out of me but didn't hurt, it just felt like I had released something. I had no idea what happened. :O
Before that point I was 6" X 4.5", and really didn't see a damn thing wrong with it, but after that lig pop (and about 12 weeks of hanging) I was an even 7" inches, and of course to a young kid that's pretty incredible to be able to do something like that. I fooled around with what little info there was at the time about jelqing, and by the time I was 17 I had hit 7.2" X 5". Here's where the shit hit the fan. :biggun:
I think about everyone gears up to lose their virgin status around 18 :dance:. I know I was damn ready. Well, I had gone through lots of little relationships by that time, all bad but I had ended them all, so really when I turned 18 I had pretty good self-esteem. I'm only 5' 4" 125 lbs, but I got invited to parties all the time because I was the short funny guy, the jester, I always made people laugh. At 18, I was used to seeing random 14-15 year olds being 4-5 inches taller than me which was annoying to say the least
. But, as we probably all have, I had read countless studies, surveys, and polls that said I was probably bigger that a good bit of them in the meat department. In my head, I was short, but where I was lacking a few inches in height I made up for down there. So basically, I felt relatively even and balanced and happy with myself. :rocker:Well, enter the first :girl: I ever loved. I say that so seriously, because I had heard "I love you" from other girls before but as you know, some of them don't take that word too seriously and use it quite flippantly. I TAKE IT SERIOUSLY
. This one, Abbie, was not the first girl to say it to me but she was the first one I believed, and she was the first girl that I ever replied the same back to her. We both moved (coincidentally) 400 miles from where we were to the SAME TOWN, and I thought it was destiny. I wanted to be with her forever. I cared for her more than anything and when she hurt, I hurt. I felt so connected to this woman. Well, to make a long story short, the first time we had sex we were both under the influence. It wasn't great, and we just sorta stopped in the middle of it because we couldn't stay coordinated. I didn't think alot of it, but I did get really bad vibes. The second and third times, stone cold sober, my suspicions were confirmed. She was a fucking bucket. I could stick my entire penis inside her and not touch the walls or the cervix. Hotdog down a hallway. To put it bluntly, ABOSOLUTELY DEVESTATING. Later she admitted that her first was HUGE, at least 10x6, and that while I was "big", it just really didn't compare at all. I couldn't make her feel me. She would say things like "It feels great" and "Don't stop" but her body and her face said otherwise. Likewise, I couldn't feel much of her at all unless I really tried. Well, to teenagers with raging hormones sexual compatibility is basically a must, and we fell apart soon after. The most humilating experience ever. :bomb:Basically, the whole ordeal shattered my self-esteem, my ego shot itself in the face and all the qualities that a man needs to be confident, once they no longer had an ego for support, quickly dissolved under the weight of my subconscious :idea:. Now, I was short, small, useless, weak, and whole slew of other negative things that were all subconscious conclusions. Now, when my mind isn't busy, my subconscious takes over and floods my thoughts with these horrible memories and what it's been convinced I am. As I lay down to sleep and as I wake up, I am overwhelmed by a deep, dark, almost sinister call that says "YOU CAN -NOT- BE WHO YOU ARE. IT IS PATHETIC. YOU MUST CHANGE. YOU MUST BECOME WHAT YOU ARE NOT, AND IF YOU CAN'T, YOU CAN ONLY EXPenis EnlargementCT MY VOICE TO GROW LOUDER"... it's on an endless loop. :blasting:
Now, I don't get invited to parties. I am a "downer". I do not laugh and smile and converse, I sit and drink and look around searching for something I can't see. People always ask me, even on the street, "Are you ok?". Coworkers continously say "What's wrong?". To put it simply, I am in a complete and utter rut :baby:. I believe that until my subconscious is convinced that a scenario like that can NEVER happen again, I will remain in this dejected state. Before you get too hasty, let me tell you that I heard it all from everyone. It's just one girl, lots of fish in the sea, she was a whore, your size is just fine, etc etc etc. Whatever. Even my mother left my dad for a guy with a 10 inch cock. Basically, my experiences have done nothing but reiterate my subconscious conclusion that unless I am at LEAST 8x6, I will never be anything to anyone. There will ALWAYS be a guy with a giant cock fucking the girls you care about most. :flame:
I can't even look people in the eyes for too long anymore, even people I have known for years. I want to get back to how I used to be, who I really am. And, I -know- I should not have let this ONE experience affect me the way it has. It's sad, and I'll be the first to admit it. :banghead: But it's no longer MY decision to act and feel this way. I don't want to feel this way. It's true that MANY people manufacture their own unhappiness simply by thinking unhappy thoughts. I am way past mourning, way past pity, way past all the post-breakup phases. This is residual. This disabled part of my personality is a result of my ego being seriously seared. And my subconcious refuses to let that burn heal. Not until I am different.
All that being said, I am on a serious quest to be happy with myself and confident once again by the time I am 21
rotest:. I have 18 months. I have ordered an orginal raise: Bib and signed up for a membership to [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]. I will measure ONCE every 3 months. I am praying that this endeavor, this commitment to changing myself, really will be my crazy cure to this degraded state I'm in. Wish me luck! Starting pics below... not the best erection... it's hard to get hard taking pictures of yourself?:wave: :clank:
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