How to ask her to lose some weight.

M

minnieme

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Hey,

Names Minnieme. I've never really posted much on this forum, but I have a problem and I figured most of the people on this board seem to be nice guys, so I mind as well ask.

My girlfriend weighs between 135-145 and she is about 5'5. I know it is vain of me but I really want her to lose weight. I have been thinking about breaking up with her, because I am just not turned on by her body. Don't get me wrong she isn't the size of shamu (spelling?), however, I can't help it that I am more turned on by thinner girls. So, how can I go about hinting to her that I want her to lose weight, without hurting her feelings?
 
Go find a Twiggie. If her weight is not a health risk, you have no right to ask her to lose weight. I'm normally very supportive of my fellow forum members, but you should love someone because of who they are, not what you think you can make them into. I think you should do the right thing and break up with her. Maybe she can find a guy who appreciates her, and you can find a nice anorexic who will play to your vanity. Personally, I think those fashion show freaks look like walking cadavers. I like a gal with a little tits and ass. Not bones and starvation induced canker sores.
 
Whoa, Kong. I was only seeking advice. If I was not interested in being with her I would just break up with her and that would be that. But I am interested in being with her and I am trying to look past the physical, but I am human and if I am not turned on by something that is just how I am. I think she is an awesome person and I would not want her out of my life just because I am not turned on by her appearance.

And no. I said nothing about wanting anorexic girls, so that was uncalled for.
 
Fat is never attractive, I totally understand what you're talking about. There's such a backlash in this country to the "too thin" models and "beautiful people of hollywood", that we've forgotten that being in shape means being healthy, too. We're telling ourselves it's okay to be overweight, and at the same time heart disease is the number one killer in our country. 30% of our children are obese. We shouldn't be so worried about hurting the self-images of people, but rather more concerned with longevity.

As for politely getting your girlfriend to lose weight, I wouldn't recommend any direct mention of you having a problem with it. You can get around that by doing physical activities with her like running together or joining a gym with her and helping her with weights if you're into that. When you go out to eat, lead by example in choosing healthy foods and smaller quantities. It's all up to her though. As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, ha.

As for me, I choose to date only girls that are already in shape. My personal, possibly erroneous, judgement is that if a girl is overweight in her younger 20s, she's gonna be obese later in life. Age, slower metabolism, and other stresses tend to result in a one pound weight gain each year. If you find yourself looking at other girls and wanting to date them, you might not really be all that into your current girlfriend. But if you love her, support her and lead by example.
 
minnieme, the best way i can think of is if you say to her that both of you can lose weight together, but if your pretty fit already then that won't work.

Kong, your being completely irrational. asking a partner to do somthing that will make her more sexy, to her partner and to herself is FINE. its just like asking her to get a brazilian, or wear a certain perfume, or her asking you to wear a smart looking outfit, or tone up a bit.

It benefits both people which is why its okay, if minnieme was asking her to do somthing like shave her head coz he likes it that way, then thats different.

or if she told minnieme that she feels the sexiest at that weight, and any thinner makes her feel weird, then im sure if it was a caring relationship, minnieme wouldn't ask her to lose the weight.
 
kong1971 said:
Go find a Twiggie. If her weight is not a health risk, you have no right to ask her to lose weight. I'm normally very supportive of my fellow forum members, but you should love someone because of who they are, not what you think you can make them into. I think you should do the right thing and break up with her. Maybe she can find a guy who appreciates her, and you can find a nice anorexic who will play to your vanity. Personally, I think those fashion show freaks look like walking cadavers. I like a gal with a little tits and ass. Not bones and starvation induced canker sores.
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Take it easy. I don't know this guy or his girlfriend, buyt there is no end to the demand that women put on men, so this is a reasonable request. God knows there are many women that would look elsewhere in this situation. And if she put on any signficant weight during the relationship, he has every right to encourage her to work her way back to top form.

That being said, I have no advice for how to broach the subject.
 
I could understand if her weight was hazardous, but 5'5 and 135 lbs...? That doesn't sound morbidly obese to me. That sounds like a healthy weight for a woman who is above average in height. Women are supposed to have a little body fat. Where men are supposed to be lean and muscular, women are supposed to be soft and curvy. Now, if you would have said she was much heavier than 135 lbs, I would have suggested asking her to go for walks with you, go shopping with her and picking out healthy food and complimenting her when she did trim down. Positive reinforcement that is not going to damage her self-esteem [ cause women are really sensitive about this, like we are about dick size]. Maybe I'm not picturing her right, but 5'5 and 135 lbs does not sound fat to me. It barely sounds like a little cushion for the pushin'. Also, if she's naturally big-boned there's not going to be a whole lot she can do about it. All you skinny people can cry fattie and think we're lazy, but you can be genetically disposed to a larger body size and higher percentage of body fat, and all the salad and mineral spring water in the world isn't going to change it. Sorry. The fat guy weighs in on this subject with a little bit of predjudice. ;)
 
kong1971 said:
All you skinny people can cry fattie and think we're lazy, but you can be genetically disposed to a larger body size and higher percentage of body fat, and all the salad and mineral spring water in the world isn't going to change it. Sorry. The fat guy weighs in on this subject with a little bit of predjudice. ;)
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Dude, as a certified fatass myself, I understand what you're saying. Women sure as hell don't cut me a break, in judging me, so I tend to have little sympathy.
 
kong1971 said:
This gal is 5'4 and 135 lbs and she looks good to me. We're not talking Rosanne here, guys.

http://www.harleyrace.com/wlw/profjosie.htm
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No chick is going to look gross at those stats. I'm sure minnieme's girl doesn't look bad either. That being said, for whatever its worth, there is some difference between those weights with muscle (as someone involved in wrestling would have) and little muscle mass. My neighbor girl is 5'7" and weighed 143 lbs. when she got on the scale before my very eyes. I told her she looked more like 115 lbs. The she flexed and I could actually see considerable muscle for a female on her. She said she lifts weights after school and she throws the discus on the track team.
 
I'm not changing my mind or my advice. He admits that she looks good. She is not obese. His desire for her to lose weight springs from his own vanity AND he is shallow enough to dump her because of it, meaning he is only interested in her body... he needs to look for someone else. Miss Cleo sees bad things in the future for this couple, honey-chile.
 
She definitely does not look like the girl that you posted, because she does not wreste, workout, or even run for that matter.

What is the deal with the name calling and pointing fingers at me, Kong? I said it was a bit vain, but so be it. It makes sense to want to improve both your partner and oneself in a relationship. And if you can't understand that, then that is fine with me. But please, there is no need to go around insulting me when you don't know a thing about who I am outside of these forums.

And to all of the people that gave me advice; I really appreciate it. It is nice to see that most people on this forum try to help their members out.
 
I never insulted you, nor did I point fingers at you. That is in your own imagination. You asked for advice and I gave it. What are you going to do if she reacts and feels the same way I did? Something to think about, anyway. Maybe you should have said, "I want to convince her to join me in a physical fitness routine and be more active" instead of "I'm thinking about dumping her if she doesn't lose weight." I'm sure she would handle the first one better than the second one. With women it's all in how you word something whether you get a good reaction or a bad one. If you are negative she is going to respond to you negatively. Do you want advice or just someone who is going to agree with you?
 
I dunno I am usually good at looking at both sides on things and im kinda agreeing with kong on this one, although to be honest I think it would help if you had a pic you could show of your girlfriend cause all the girls I know personally and have been around are closer to the 140 lb mark and look smoking hot, so i really think that if you were to post a pic that would help out, and if you want minnieme pm with your actual thoughts so that I can analize it a little better.
 
I think we may be missing some info here... Minnieme, was your girlfriend alway at this weight when you two first hooked up?? if so then you have no right to ask her to lose weight, but if she in fact weighed less and has gained weight since you two got together then you have every right to to ask her to lose weight.

We all have a particular like to a certain weight/bodytype/look so if we are with a girl of a certain look that we find attractive and she decides to change that, we have the right to say change back or i'm outta here. I understand the whole "what's inside is more important" thing but not everyone feels that way... and... first and foremost, we have to be attracted to our partner otherwise we're just going to look around for something better.
 
bigsack said:
Fat is never attractive, I totally understand what you're talking about. There's such a backlash in this country to the "too thin" models and "beautiful people of hollywood", that we've forgotten that being in shape means being healthy, too. We're telling ourselves it's okay to be overweight, and at the same time heart disease is the number one killer in our country. 30% of our children are obese. We shouldn't be so worried about hurting the self-images of people, but rather more concerned with longevity.

As for politely getting your girlfriend to lose weight, I wouldn't recommend any direct mention of you having a problem with it. You can get around that by doing physical activities with her like running together or joining a gym with her and helping her with weights if you're into that. When you go out to eat, lead by example in choosing healthy foods and smaller quantities. It's all up to her though. As they say, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, ha.

As for me, I choose to date only girls that are already in shape. My personal, possibly erroneous, judgement is that if a girl is overweight in her younger 20s, she's gonna be obese later in life. Age, slower metabolism, and other stresses tend to result in a one pound weight gain each year. If you find yourself looking at other girls and wanting to date them, you might not really be all that into your current girlfriend. But if you love her, support her and lead by example.
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Touche' brother, you hit it right on the head... excellent points.
 
Id say at her height the girl could stand to lose 5-10lbs. Either tell her straight up, or like someone suggested start doing healither things run, eat healthier etc, but do them together, use the excuse that you need her support. It will be good for both of you, ultimately though it's going to depend on if she wants it or not, so Id just straight up tell her she has fat legs, ruin her self esteem for a couple months, and then she will thank you for it in the end.
 
I would never ever say something like what I have said on this forum directly to her; I don't want to hurt her feelings, because I do care about her.

You did insult me, Kong. Directly and inderictly. But I don't care so I'm dropping it; I see no use in arguing.

That weight is what she told me she weighed one day, but I have a feeling that she was lying; the same way we tend to stretch the truth when we speak about our penis size outside of forums.

I think that whole "create a fitness regimee" in which the both of us can participate is a great idea.

Something else that has been bothering me is the way in which how I see her seems to change every few days. For example, one day she seems hot and the next day she doesn't attract me at all. Has anyone else experienced this? I am pretty sure it is me. It is similar to what I think about my body at times; some days I feel cut and strong while others I feel fat and weak.

Thanks for all of the advice, I really do appreciate it; good or bad, I suppose.
 
Sikdogg made a good point about whether she changed after you two became an item. I can swing with that one. If you started dating and she was 100 lbs and then gained 40 lbs you do have a right to say something.

bigsack's "backlash" against thin is a little overstated. There's a difference between thin, fit and healthy (which is very attractive) and the unhealthy crack-whore scarecrows that stars like Courtney Cox and Lindsey Lohan have turned themselves into. I just don't get turned on by jutting collarbones and vertebrae and faces so emaciated you can see their gums through their cheeks. That's just nasty and tragic. They look like their dying.

Everyone likes different things. There's nothing wrong with being attracted to thin girls. The problem is being with a buxom beauty and wanting her to starve herself to suit you. You need to be honest with yourself and with your partner, and if she isn't what you want, bite the bullet and move on. Better that than be together and slowly grow to resent one another because of these conflicting issues. It'll hurt more in the long run.
 
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kong1971 said:
I'm not changing my mind or my advice. He admits that she looks good. She is not obese. His desire for her to lose weight springs from his own vanity AND he is shallow enough to dump her because of it, meaning he is only interested in her body... he needs to look for someone else. Miss Cleo sees bad things in the future for this couple, honey-chile.
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I can understand that. My only real point is that women pull fickle, vain shit all the time and I could so see the average chick dumping her man for gaining a few pounds.

Kong, you need to realize when you read some of my posts that my general feelings towards women are bitter and cynical at best. I have been viewed as such a piece of shit in their eyes that I tend to often have little sympathy for them.

My personal favorites are the ones that get beat and then are stupid enough to continue the relationship. I work with a girl like that. She is a nice girl, but a stupid one. I could inherit a billion dollars tomorrow and I wouldn't give one fucking nickel towards a domestic violence charity. I've had no shortage of women shun me over the years and I just shake my head every time one of them women goes back to her abuser. How the hell can anyone expect a man like me to have any sympathy?
 
Sikdogg and Kong bring up a great point in that what you might expect of her depends of how much she weighed when you met her. I would also ask something else: Is she lazy when it comes to taking care of herself?

I work with a woman that used to be a beauty pageant contestant and was into dance and shit. She is 5'6" and I'm guessing that her old stats were around a healthy, somewhat muscular 135 lbs. She has now ballooned up to 220 lbs., only eight years later. The problem is she freely admits, with a "don't give a fuck" attitude that she is too lazy to exercise or do anything about her situation. She says she truly wants to lose weight, but she will not exercise. Sweating is beneath her and disgusting, according to her. She has been married about three or four years now and she has probably added 30 to 40 of those pounds after the wedding.

Of course none of that is any skin off my back, and this is not relevant to minnieme's situation. His girl is nothing like the size of my coworker, but I'm simply offering warning signs. I can tell you that I am a pretty patient and understanding person. However, if a woman lets herself go to the point where there is an obvious, substantial, and undeniable problem, I would walk out of that relationship in a nanosecond if she flat-out refused to make any effort towards remedying the condition. If there is a special circumstance that makes weight loss extraordinarily difficult, a real man will stick by his woman. However, apathetic laziness is a failure on a person's part to fulfill his/her responsibilities in the relationship.
 
I don't see why weight has to be treated so differently to everything else.

Hypothetical: Your a slob, you wear old clothes, they have holes in them, they are dirty and smell bad. Your partner says "you are becoming a slob, you will look good in some new clothes, lets go shopping and you can get some new clothes". You get the new clothes and feel fresh and spiffy, and your partner thinks you look great. Everybodies happy.

BUT, if it was weight, oh no, can't fuckin mention that, its to taboo, and your a shallow bastard for even being concerned about it. It's bullshit.

Society has caused weight to be created into such a social taboo, and it is treated so differently from the hundreds of other aspects of physical appearance. Double standards everywhere.
 
nah see I am with kong on this one. I married my wife who when we got together was always between 125-135 and stands 5'3". her weight is and size is not the standard norm for women. she had a flat stomach, and pretty toned every where and not nasty see her ribs skinny. Perfection in my eyes. anyways after we got married she did the depo birth control shot and gained a large amount of weight and freaked out about it. the dang shot screwed up her body and possibly for life. I personally am not with her for her appearance (that to me would be pure arrogance) I love her and her body, and I still think she is beautiful. so dude either you are with her for her, or you are with her for some eye candy to hang on your arm? you need to decied which it is. if it is the later, you should cut her loose so she can find someone who appreciates her. and you can get that eye candy you are after. then in the long run everyone is happy.
 
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BTW, I do recommend approaching this from the angle of the two of you should workout together.

In the event that a woman should ever find me a worthwhile enough person to venture on a relationship with, and I overcame my anger enough to pursue such a venture, I don't think this would be a problem. Despite my being a disgusting fatass, I do about 3-5 hours of cardio per week. I am wanting to get my thyroid, HGH, and testosterone levels checked, as something just can't be right within me. Anyhow, I love exercise, as it's therpeutic to me. I would never be with a woman that showed zero interest in exercise and fitness, because it's just something I love so much. So, her own vanity should already be built-in.
 
loco said:
nah see I am with kong on this one. I married my wife who when we got together was always between 125-135 and stands 5'3". her weight is and size is not the standard norm for women. she had a flat stomach, and pretty toned every where and not nasty see her ribs skinny. Perfection in my eyes. anyways after we got married she did the depo birth control shot and gained a large amount of weight and freaked out about it. the dang shot screwed up her body and possibly for life. I personally am not with her for her appearance (that to me would be pure arrogance) I love her and her body, and I still think she is beautiful. so dude either you are with her for her, or you are with her for some eye candy to hang on your arm? you need to decied which it is. if it is the later, you should cut her loose so she can find someone who appreciates her. and you can get that eye candy you are after. then in the long run everyone is happy.
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Very well said :clap:
 
5'5 and 135lbs is perfect.

Shit, I'm 5'8" and 135lbs and I'm a fricken bean pole.

I'm with someone know that weighs more than that and she still looks good.

I think you just need to find someone else if 135lbs is too big for you. That's fricken vain as hell.
 
Spektrum, technically Im not sure what it is for women, but for guys the theory is 5 lbs of body weight for every inch of height so at 5'8 she would technically weigh 150. Which is either a big framed girl, or a girl that has a bit of fat on her.
 
thefranchise,

if I just did the math right then at 5'8" that is 68 inches tall times 5 lbs per inch would give you 340 lbs. that can't be right. if that is case I'm skin and bones at around 240lbs at 6'2". lol not sure that can be right or you left out part of the formula.
 
thefranchise said:
Spektrum, technically Im not sure what it is for women, but for guys the theory is 5 lbs of body weight for every inch of height so at 5'8 she would technically weigh 150. Which is either a big framed girl, or a girl that has a bit of fat on her.
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For women, my wife told me sometime back that it depends on their hieght so if they are 5'5" tall, you multiply (5x5=25) then add 100 (25+100=125) to get her ideal healthy weight.

So for a woman that is 5'7" tall:

5 x 7 = 35
35 + 100 = 135

That weight can vary a little (+/- 10lbs) depending on her frame size. So if she's big boned, she can be 135lbs or if she is petite she can weight 125. But if she is more than 10lbs over that weight, she is considered a little overweight.
 
i think that the key thing is that if SHE feels that she's too fat. if she's insecure and sensitive about her "belly" or "big ass", then help her. someone suggested before that you work out together, that's the best idea. everyone can stand to get into more shape. if she wants to lose and you wanna get trimmer then work out together, go for runs, lift weights, have more sex (cardio)...hehe....there are tons of options. but this is only if she feels like she needs to lose, if it's only your opinion then maybe you need to see things from a different angle, not break up with her or anything like that, just take the time to see her for the beautiful woman that she is, then you'll just want to be close to her. if you feel close to her, then you find her more attractive, etc. it'll take some work on both your parts. you could even take the step further and say that your eyes were starting to wander and you wanted to tell her how you feel. honest convorsations help out mostly.
 
Thanks guys, I appreciate all of the help. Yes I am vain and she is a great girl. I now feel rather guilty and wrong for being the way I am.
 
fuck that, if you think she's too fat, that's ok. don't let these guys tell you you're an asshole. you're not. if you're not turned on by her but you love her, what the hell can you do?
this discussion is so damn stupid. he simply asked for advice, why do people think they have to tell him what fat is, that she's better off without him and all that BS?
sometimes this board really sucks.
but there was some good advice, so do what you've been told, try to do some sports with her, eat healthy etc.
 
I wouldn't say it's vain minnieme. People act like you are forcing her to get implants or something. A lot of times with women it's more eating habbits than anything. Moniter her diet, see if she drinks a lot of junk food or pop etc. Suggest altering it for health reasons. In the end she'll probably feel better too. I do personal training, so if you want go ahead and give me a PM and I can help you out with some stuff if needed.
 
Pharaoh said:
this discussion is so damn stupid. he simply asked for advice, why do people think they have to tell him what fat is, that she's better off without him and all that BS?
sometimes this board really sucks.
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lol

He asked what we thought. That's called "asking for advice". We told him. No one's coming to his house to shoot him. It's ultimately up to him what to think and do about the situation, but one way we "learn" and "grow" intellectually is to consider alternate ideas and beliefs. This board doesn't suck, but it's sometimes a little overun with opinionated children who think they know it all and are threatened by ideas that run counter to what they believe. Go watch MTV. I think a discussion forum is a little too challenging for you at this stage in your life.

lol
 
minnimie,i can understand were your coming from ive always found slim petite women a turn on,my wife was only 98lb at 5'3 when we first got together and no she didn't look anorexic,on her small frame it looked healthy.
After having our first daughter she developed a thyroid condition but it wasn't diagnosed for about 9 months and her weight went up to 138lb and yes she did look fat,her face was puffy,her arms looked flabby she had love handles and a double chin.i still loved her and would never think of leaving her but sexually i admit i didn't find her that much of a turn on,we have no control over our sexual desires at the end of the day.
Once she was put on medication for her thyroid she lost all the weight and went down to 112lb and looked great,she is currently just over 7 months pregnant and only weighs 140lb.
So all the folks that are saying your girl carn't be fat need to take into consideration the size of her frame.
 
kong1971 said:
sometimes a little overun with opinionated children who think they know it all and are threatened by ideas that run counter to what they believe.
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sorry kong, but this applies to you more than to anyone else
 
Coming from being a woman myself, one of the number #1 rules and thekey to a good relationship is to never ask your girl to lose weight. Stuff like that makes people hurt. Think twice. If you really love this girl then don't ask her to do stuff like that, if it comes down to it, she will be the one to break it off with you.
 
Minnie the trick is to make her decide to lose weight without any overt prompting from you. Maybe if you go on a health kick she'll want to go too. Telling anybody that they are too heavy will have a negative influence on your relationship with them.
 
Make it a contest, thats what me and the wife are doing now. We both gained about 15lbs since we met. We are going on a 10 week diet, and changing our eating habits for good after(15lbs over 8 years isn't horrible especially considering 2 kids were involved and any guy thats been with a womend when she's pregnant will know what i mean). Part of this 10 week contest is weighins every 2 weeks, who ever wins 3/5 weighins gets their special prize which we picked ahead of time. Weight count lbs lost and fat % lost and add them together. Her prize is a day spa treatment, mine is a 2 hour adult entertainment of us doing what ever i want, this got her REALLY motivated. Unfortunatly for her it got me really motivated too. After first weight-in I lost 8.5lbs and 3% bodyfat, she lost 4.0lbs and 1% bodyfat, and now she is more motivated then ever and I reap the benefits whether I win or lose.
 
You should never have to pussyfoot around someone else's problem. Especially if that someone is your partner. By such logic one would not confront an alcoholic, drug addict, philanderer, etc. Being overweight is just as dangerous and unhealthy. God forbid anybody be responsible for their own actions. The men laying it into this guy just because he has a little self respect and desires the same in his mate, get a grip and take a double dose of maturity. As for the women who think it's insensitive for a man to not tolerate this in his woman don't worry, there are obviously plenty of men out there with no self worth as well. You'll always have company at the midnight drive thru. ;)Also just to clear things up, the answer is no. Those jeans DO NOT make you look fat, but your FAT ASS does. rofl
 
KiTTie8695 said:
Not with everyone.
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Yes for everyone unless they have a medical condition.Endomorphs are naturally chubby but it is possible to change there shape through strict diet and exercise,ive seen many do it over the years and also seen many that give up because its to much effet,its hard work,i don't like healthy food,i will just have one piece of pizza.ect ect.

I was a typical endomorph as a kid,fat unhappy didn't like exercise,it was only at 16 when i started to want to take an interest in girls and they didn't want to no that i started to eat very strict no junk at all.
By 18 i looked like a mesomorph,lean skinny and started BB still doing it now at nearly 34,if i let my diet go just a little and stop doing exercise i gain fat at a scarey rate.

Overweight people can change there shape weight if they have the determination to do so but most don't have the willpower to do it.
 
There are 3 body types most people have a mix of 1-2.

endomorph naturaly big bones thick body type round face stores fat easily.

ectomorph naturaly thin narrow shoulders hips waist low bodyfat,fast metabolism means they can eat quite a lot without getting fat.

Mesomorph,broad shoulders narrow waist,lean and muscular.
 
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