Jun 5, 2003
Hey guys, I'm 21 and recently lost my virginity. The girl I'm dating and having sex with is a great girl and I like her alot. My problem is that I seem to have trouble with my erections during sex. I can pop a hard-on fast outside of the bedroom, and even when we're making out/foreplay. But when it comes time to do the deed, I often lose my erection or during sex it goes away. I have a couple of theories on the problem, but would like some feedback.

1) I think it might be anxiety related, although I'm totally comfortable with this girl and by now we have had sex numerous times. I think I pressure myself to get a really hard erection and that its self-defeating. I don't think its medical because I have no trouble when I masturbate or otherwise.

2) Condoms; I think my penis hates them. I just don't get that much sensation from them (maybe I masturbate too much?), but my girl, despite being on birth control, is insistent on using them. I respect her wishes, but I need some help getting used to these dumb things. They make my penis much less sensitive, and I usually lose my erection when I put them on, and its hard to get it back once its gone. Also, when I start to lose my erection they make my penis a funny shape, or start to slide off which only compounds the problem.

3) My girl is attractive, but she's not a bombshell. Maybe she doesn't cut the bill quite physically? I still lover her to death though.

I need some help getting over this guys as it is negatively affecting my sex life. What can I do? I was thinking I could masturbate with condoms to get used to them, stop masturbating completely, switch up stuff in the bedroom, fantasize more, or just keep doing kegels. Suggestions on overcoming this would be greatly helpful.

Oh, when I am hard I have no trouble getting off when we're going at it. In fact, I have trouble holding it back. Yet I can still quickly lose my erection. Help!
Sounds like anxity to me, just relax and let her push your buttons.

Also, I would stop the jerking. It'll help keep you hard for her. Be open and honest with her, don't stop pleasing her because you deflate. Go down on her, massage her, lick every part of her, but also tell her you need time, and that you're putting yourself under a lot of pressure to make her happy etc. If you don't she'll think it's her fault.

My wife is a fox, seriously. But a couple of times I was so pressured into getting it up, I couldn't. She thought she wasn't good enough for me and cried. I explained everything to her and now, if I ever need time I just go down there and that usually pumps me up.

Hope this helps.
Believer, thanks for the advice. I think it probably is anxiety but I have had sex with this girl so often that I don't understand why it is a problem. Also, I have discussed it with her and she's very understanding, but it hasnt seemed to help. Any other suggestions on getting over anxiety? Also, One other question. Is it typical for a persons erection strength to vary during sex, or is it 100% hard throughout the entire experience? Thanks
"Any other suggestions on getting over anxiety? Also, One other question. Is it typical for a persons erection strength to vary during sex, or is it 100% hard throughout the entire experience? Thanks"

Nah, erections vary for a bunch of reasons. Mood, diet, stress, hydration, energy level, frequency of sex, and so on and on.

Sometimes I feel like I'm at only 90%, I hate that feeling. At those times I just concentrate on my penis and what it's feeling. Like I focus all my attention on my penis and go, oh yeah. That feels good, and up it goes.

As far as anxiety, I really don't know. I would just relax, calm the body down, spend time making out. Don't focus on sex. Focus on her and her pleasure. For me anyway, bringing my woman pleasure, pleasures me.

If ever I'm not in the mood 100% or whatever I'll make her cum orally, that usually gets me rock hard. Do different things. Lick her body up and down. Rub oil on her back and massage her till she's putty in your hands. Ask her to masturbate for you, ask her to masturbate you.

I don't really know what you guys do and just where you have the problem. Can't get it up at all, deflates once inside, are you worried about her not enjoying herself?

Hope I helped, if just a little.
Believer, thanks for all your help and taking the time to respond. The problem usually occurs during sex; it will deflate after awhile. Sometimes I think its because we have so much foreplay that its worn about the time I get to sex. I can't really try new stuff with her right now as its summer and I won't see her until I get back to school, but it has me concerned. I just can't figure out why I have trouble with erections during sex (oral sex as well somtimes) but not when I masturbate.

I mean, anxiety seems like the simple answer, but I really am comfortable with this girl, I get her off with my mouth when I have trouble, and I know she enjoys the sex. Its like I'm subconciously holding myself back or something? Maybe I have underlying issues or something, I don't know. And when we were having sex during the school year, I wasn't really masturbating at all (didn't need to really), so its not like I'm "hooked on the hand" or anything. THe more I think about the problem the more worried I get, and I think that's it. Its not so much I'm anxious about sex but rather about not getting it up and consquently I've created a mental crutch.

I'm thinking I might just start taking herbal supplements or something to help until I get over the mental part. MAybe once I have sex a couple of times without erection problems then it won't worry me anymore. I just don't want to become dependent on herbs as a result or something. What do you think?
Eat Chocolate,

Know sounds exactly like stress. believer, is right on the money
It may be that your girlfriend isn't the right person for you to experience that frenetic, dna-hardwired, sexual response with. It's an evolutionary response, isn't it? Maybe she just doesn't rub you right.
I tell you what since you love her. Go all out. I usually do give this advice. However, I would suggest. Rose peddles, candles, dinner, poetry the works. I could go into detail however, I am sure you have your on agenda. Try and take your time with her next time you have sex. Make everything romantic. I am serious. It will work trust me.

Give her a chance. There are always other avenues to try. Never put the wrench in the well unless there are no other avenues.

I have had the same problems you had at your age. I have never failed a mission. Of course it is not a mission it is what you make it out to be. Try this way and if it does not pan out then you know what your decision truly is.

Think about it. I have a lot of experience in this area. So your choice, guy.


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