It does get hard

Just wanted to let some of my stress loose and perhaps gain some support from you guys.

It will be 9 months, as of Feb. 16, since I started such drastic changes in my life. I have learned so many beautiful things and experienced some ugly ones. I always try to look at my life as seeds I have planted and the result of this planting is the results of my past. Seeing life with optimism does get hard for me. I know that so many people expect me to have everything together, have my life in order and ultimately growing and getting better but sometimes it just does not seem this way.

When Jen left me, 9 months ago, it was tragic, I had lost my other half, the driving force in much of my life. This is when I decided to embark on ALPHA+BLADE, an idea that would take advantage of all the pain I was going through and produce guidelines for other people to change their lives for the better. SOme things were easy. The penis was easy, as Jen fully supported me in my endeavors. She was an endless source of support and love. This made my life seem limitless. I had been ostracized from Thundersplace and I was able to create a site that would grow to be one of the biggest ever. This was and is incredible. My weight (at the time she left 260lbs.) also was easy. I attacked weight loss and muscle gain with the same motivations that made Penis Enlargement possible. In 4 short months I was at 145lb. and my body looked like a different person (if only Jen could see me) The ALPHA+BLADE studios, the apartment JEN and me shared for 5 years was underway but due to financial crushes it came to a screeching halt a couple of months ago. This is hard but I can endure, I can survive this, I know it. The toughest part of the apartment, believe it or not, is getting up and facing each day with no comforts (aside from the computer and cable access, thank you guys for your donations!) Having no electricity, bathroom and kitchen was something I was willing to endure to prove that I would see this project through. Miraculously, I make it through each day and get to the next. It is like a perverted version of SURVIVOR.

In addition to the financial hardships the injury I sustained has been difficult too, getting back to normal function, something the doctors said would be impossible, is something I have done. The pain in incredible sometimes but I can do everything they said I would not be able to do. It was like a nightmarish pit-stop in a surreal world that was nothing like I remembered only months before. I still ask myself, wtf happened. I look in the mirror and I see a miracle on so many levels but I still struggle with understanding it all.

Jen, oh beautiful Jen, how I miss her so. This is the hardest. I am constantly charting my past with her and finding myself wishing to change everything I ever did to hurt her. I see places, people, things that just strike up so much emotion and I feel totally helpless is changing any of it. She left without a trace, no calls, no letters, no contact at all and it has been hard. Having her with me for 5 years and loving so much more than I ever admitted haunts me still and sometimes consumes me at levels that are unexplainable. I sometimes believe no one can relate to this pain, no one can possibly understand and it prevents me from even talking about it. Like a total helplessness. I know she is in Worcester, Massachusetts but I don't dare even try to go there in fear of being hurt beyond my wildest dreams. It gets so lonely sometimes and I guess I dip into depression. My son told me to make my signature say JEN IS COMING HOME ON VALENTINES DAY and now on the eve of that day, I find myself childishly sad.

I had imagined ALPHA+BLADE done, Jen home, my life back in order and everything better than I could ever imagine but it is just not this way. I don't want life after JEN, nor do I have any interest in anyone else but her but I also know what the world says about this. Where do I go from here guys?

Dld go speak to Jen go to where she lives speak to Jen face to face.

Pandora said:

Dld go speak to Jen go to where she lives speak to Jen face to face.

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I have no idea where she is or what she is doing. I would be crushed to find her and get the cold shoulder or realize my worse fears. The city she is living, Worcester, MA, is massive and finding her would be so hard. I just wish I could get someone to find her and let her know...such a sili dream.

doublelongdaddy said:

I have no idea where she is or what she is doing. I would be crushed to find her and get the cold shoulder or realize my worse fears. The city she is living, Worcester, MA, is massive and finding her would be so hard. I just wish I could get someone to find her and let her know...such a sili dream.

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The only people i think that would find her is the police or a private detective.

Pandora said:

The only people i think that would find her is the police or a private detective.

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I was really hoping she would call me<

doublelongdaddy said:

I was really hoping she would call me<

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<

Mike, you sound love sick. I can't imagine what you are going through now but I think that you need some kind of contact with Jen. I don't know how but I think that she should know how you feel. All the best.

Hey Mike,
I was gonna post about this before but never could bring myself to it. I've read your prior posts about Jen leaving you and it is heartbreaking to hear.

Well bro,
I'm going through similar things. I hope my story will help you feel like your not alone.

Soooo, in a nutshell (I could write a book about this experience);
I've been with this girl for 8 years. I am 27 now and met her my first year of college. I love her dearly and always felt there was no other. We spent some rough time in New Orleans and she always had an alcohol and drug problem. She was still functional as she went to school and worked. After a few years she came to me and her parents for help. I knew that she needed it. We moved across the country by her parents in hopes to get away from certain people and places.

Well after a year after she got out of rehab, things got worse. She got hooked on meth and I was unknowing for a long time. She went INSANE. She'd wake me in the middle of the night screaming hysterical that she had parasites coming out of her skin. I endured this for four more months not knowing what to do and having no proof of her drug use. At this time, the hurricane was taking place in New Orleans where all of my family lives. I went INSANE. Finally I found drugs in her purse. Her parents and I gave her an ultimatum to either go to this facility or she was out. She went crazy on us telling us that she wasn't hallucinating parasites and that she only used a couple of times. We knew this was bullshit and she chose to walk. I had to live with her parents for a month because her name was on my lease. Fast forward to now and I haven't seen or heard from her....after 8 fucking years of a beautiful relationship. She could be dead for all I know.

For the first time in my life, I am alone and far away from family and friends. I've resorted to work, Penis Enlargement, exercise and weight training to keep myself SANE. Now I can focus on loosing the weight I've been carrying most of my life. I feel positive about things, but I am having rough times. I loved that girl more than anything in the world and I still do. And there's nothing I can do to help her.

Mike,
My condolences in your recent loss and I know you'll get through it. I hope that it works out for you in some way or another. Your weight loss and Penis Enlargement history have inspired me hugely. And it is that inspiration that is driving me to move forward as I attempt to start a new live. Cheers and thanks for reading.

this too will pass.

Hey Mike what about her friends? Do they still live where you live or are they gone also? Maybe if they are still in town, you could talk to them about where Jen could be in that city. Also maybe her co-workers from her old job could be of value. But anyway man I hope you get through this time, I bet that you will, as you've been through some pretty serious stuff. Good Luck and God Bless. Kdogg

Hey, just a thought, but maybe its really hard on her too, and she is wanting to see if u would really care if she left, she might want to see if u would fight to find her and get her back, u never know, girls do really do that, i know from experience, maybe just maybe she is wanting u to find her, maybe she hopes the same things u do, for it to be back to normal, maybe u should really try bro. Hope this helps

Jason

Mike, for what its worth, I believe that everything happens for a reason, and that right now you have got to suffer the fate that many off us go through when a loved one leaves us, either through break ups, divorces (in my case) or bereavment, you are going through a grieving process for someone you love, and it hurts like hell, but time is a great healer. You will come out of this stronger than before. Just focus on your family and friends and your Alpha-Blade project, keep your mind occupied and dont spend time being alone. I totally sympathise with what your experiencing but if it was meant to be she would come back to you, don't chase shadows of the past, you live in the greatest country on earth, you have built an amazing following on your site think positive man and you will be ok.

Everyone here gave good advice. I think that looking at the out pouring of support you recieve here should be a tool you can use. It let's you know that there are people that understand and care. I have had women whom I have been caught up on. You were really attatched to Jen and genuinley love her, and better, you are willing to admit your mistakes and fix things. But, if worse comes to worse, you have to look at this situation as an experience. Let it serve you for the better in future endeavors. I know that is hard to swallow, but I am sure you know that good advice is, indeed, hard to swallow sometimes. DLD, you have been nothing but help to all of us and I am sure we can't thank you enough. We would make this go away in a heartbeat if we could. Just be strong, exactly as you are doing now man.

You guys are so strong and caring, something I truly lack at times, especially when it comes to Jennifer. I keep hoping for magic a miracle a sign, anything and it does not come. I have felt like there is such magic in this community, what we do, how we interact and I felt as though this "magic" would prosper in this desperate case. It is so hard knowing what I have done, how I have changed, what I am willing to do, and the deep love I feel, and still nothing. I wish I could change so many things, go back in time, fix everything and I know I can't. Such a hard place to be.

jay12283 said:

Hey, just a thought, but maybe its really hard on her too, and she is wanting to see if u would really care if she left, she might want to see if u would fight to find her and get her back, u never know, girls do really do that, i know from experience, maybe just maybe she is wanting u to find her, maybe she hopes the same things u do, for it to be back to normal, maybe u should really try bro. Hope this helps

Jason

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I have called her Mother on several occasions and I heard nothing back<

Well, whatever happens, don't lose hope, or give up easily, cuz u never know, just try to have faith, but if it stays this way, maybe it's for a reason, either way we are here for you.

Jason

today as i was standing by the stove cooking, tranced by the circular motion of stirring, i became lost in all that same wondering, hoping, wishing, nutty scenarios, lumpy throat, aching, etc., assimilating me into its being for the umpteenth time, and as much as i dreaded the final tidalwave of a blow i saw rushing against me, as i was struck it brought a degree of comfort in humility, the relief of surrender to the acceptance of the ultimately uncontrollable, however mourningful and as much as it challenged the threshold for endurance and accompanied with a deep, deep sigh exhaling my girl releasing her back into the wild. as the wave that had hit me scurried back into my sea of grief it had uncovered a treasure of messages buried in the sand which had eluded me as a faint relief, buried and hidden, in front of me all the time and i didn't see it, in me all the time but always dismissed. i knew that at the very worst, or indeed at the very best, God had allowed her into my life so that i would grow, so that the sea in me would stir with life rather than stagnate, and that perhaps i was a part of His plan plan for her, helping her to grow and better as a person as well. the future isn't ultimately in my hands, hands well schooled in gripping and holding selfishly that will hopefully learn to let go out of strength in selflessness and knowing only to hold on when appropriate. maybe she will allow me to come in or allow herself to come to, maybe not, and the comfort comes in accepting, however uncomfortable and coexistant, that i may not necessarily be appropriate for her nor she for me, even if its only at this time, that i choose to be free and to set free out of loving, caring and allowing her own choices on her journey of life lessons, to walk her own path even when i cant accompany her, and we can always hope and have faith to meet at the destination. there are times to lead home and there are times to allow and not deny others the growth from independence and wisdom gained from finding their way home and wherever they find themselves to be. now to decipher the wisdom in the message from the sand. perhaps another wave, and there will surely be more, will uncover more treasure that will complement the previous and supply clues as to their meanings.

SLD. Good post. It is rather amazing when you learn to take the good from remarkabley bad situations isn't it? There is always some good in a situation or experience.

DLD I feel your pain. I haven't been around here that long so don't know what injury you suffered or what happened with Jen. But I can totally sympathise, I've had some severe relationship blues in the past 2 years, a particularly stunning girl walked completely out of my life, among other things. But there are times when life is still great, and I don't even have a 10 inch penis All kidding aside, know that in time things WILL get better, and think of all that you have achieved, which is A LOT, and how many people you've helped. It will come back to you like 10-fold - hopefully in female form

doublelongdaddy said:

I have no idea where she is or what she is doing. I would be crushed to find her and get the cold shoulder or realize my worse fears. The city she is living, Worcester, MA, is massive and finding her would be so hard. I just wish I could get someone to find her and let her know...such a sili dream.

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why don't you write to the local paper of worchester. you should put something in their paper an ad, a love letter in the personals or something like that. maybe contact a local radio station and get them to play her favorite song with a message. this idea is a bit stupid but you could(or you could get a friend to) go and spray paint messages all around the city of Worcester "dld loves you baby" "dld 4 jen" whatever messages seem appriote. i think if you through out signs (not literally) she might see them. you could make mock up band posters like the ones that you see around if a band is touring in your city. make the posters look like an actual band with hidden messages.

i think if you love her that much you've got to do something to get her back