I am near the EDGE

As the title suggests I am near the edge mentally.
I have lost my job as a leading fireman after 2 years service.

Why?
I cant cope.
Not the job but with people.
I suffer from anxiety, depression, nerves, post traumatic stess disorder, paranoia and also have VERY mild Autism.
How the fuck I got in is beyond me, anyway I cant cope around people anymore or go out the house without nearing a panic attack.

I am still getting over being battered just 8 months ago by 20 drunken youths, they scared me mentally and physically.
Also still getting over the death of a close freind a year ago.

I hear voices, have weird thoughts, dont know where I am sometimes, get confused, get nasty, sleep all day, feel fucked off. gone off sex ----- the list goes on and on.

I have been going down hill for AGES now.
But I kept plodding along, get on with it was the family motto....but I cant anymore.
My lastday at work was a bad one.

I was getting more and more nervous around people to the point where I would make excuses up to get out the situation, like get the hoses done instead of helping the victim.

In the end I confessed to the Station officer.

I am making an appointment with the Doctor soon...I need more stronger tablets and some pharapy or SOMETHING to help me.
I aint the confident person some of you imagine, I in reality am weak and pathetic.
I cant even go to the shop counter to pay for goods without getting hot and panicky thinking someone is looking at me and gunna attack me.

Jeez, this is not even 1/10th of the story, its all long and complicated not to mention boring.

But this is whats going on now.
I am out of work, getting no income , no sick pay....nope ya dont get that just like that in the UK....I have to see the Doc' to medically see I am unfit, than I have to sign papers [lots] and after that I am only on £52 a week.

Anyways, I just needed to tell you all.
I am very down at the minute, I lossed my job and am lonely.

I dunno what else I can do?
I am a mental mess.

Went to the doctors today.
Told him everything.
I am on new anti-depressants now than before, also has booked me in for some pherapy sessions to help with the attack I went thru'' months back.
Plus I am now off sick for 1 month...after that I go back to him and see whats cooking, I feel abit better knowing that their maybe hope, I just hope this postitiveness last's longer.

The REAL bad things are I have to put my Military career on hold, I aint fit to work at the moment, but I will work over the months to get normal/ish again and get that career I want.

Some people may flame me for saying this but you could try and develop a spiritual side to your life if you don't have one. I am not saying you should become a born-again Christian or anything like that, but maybe think critically about what your higher purpose in life really is and then once you figure that out, you won't care at all what other people think about you, rather you will only care about if you think you are a good person or not and that is all that will matter.

Also, it just sounds like you have had some bad luck in your life and have some bad luck when it comes to the genes your parents gave you in terms of stress management. Some people are better at it than others, but like you mentioned you can get help, though I think some of the corniest stuff can make you feel like a million bucks.

If you feel like you are useless, well why not do something like donate blood or volunteer for some kind of meaningful charity work that really genuinely helps someone. A lot of people get this kind of joy from all the responsibilities of raising and caring for their own children, but if you are a single guy like I am then you really need to make an effort to help other people out with some of their problems because when you start thinking about how useless you are, you will look back and realize that your life truly does have meaning.

For a start, go donate blood if you can and I guarantee you will feel better about yourself at least for a little while. Make this a consistent part of your life and you probably will be a lot less depressed since most people who get depressed usually do when they get bored and get stuck in a routine where they don't feel like doing anything anymore. When that happens, you just have to force yourself to do things or else you will never get out of that rut.

Anyways, if you don't already realize I am a lurker here, but whatever happens I hope you get back on your feet because I have enjoyed many of your posts over the last several months I have been lurking here and on other forums.

Hang in there man it will get better soon!!! I myself hit a rock bottom when I was 20 and ended up doing 3 1/2 years the state pen, when I got out I was so fuckin scared of talking to people, let alone meeting girls, I had no idea what was going on in the outside world for real because all I did in prison was play handball, basketball, ping pong and read books. It took me a long time to get over this but it came eventually, I still have spells where I think eveybody is looking at me and making fun of me. My best advice is continue to see your doctor that will help some, but you must face your fears head on one at a time, and one day at a time, you will begin to feel more comfortable with yourself each time you face your fears, do this face at least one a day, then begin to do more before long you should start to feel more confident evey time your put in a situation that makes you nervous!!! Good luck man!!!

Thank you both for the advice, understanding and support it means ALOT.

I aint the confident person some of you imagine, I in reality am weak and pathetic

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C'mon man, it ain't like that at all. The fact that you had the balls to admit out loud that you have problems, swallow your pride and seek help makes you more of a man than you may realize.
From what I have gleaned from your posts, you seem to be a very steadfast young who's feet are firmly planted down on terra firma. A person who doesn't let the world kick him around, but instead does all the kicking himself!

Hell, if I were in your shoes, I'd probably be in a helluvalotta worse condition... shit, like the beating you took from those 20 little faggots isn't something you just forget and brush aside... that kind of stuff leaves a scar, y'know?

Anyways, I'm glad you aren't one of those bull-headed types who refuse to seek help when they need it. One of those people, a man whom I've know since I was a wee lad, went through years and years of bi-polar disorder, and ended up hanging himself (this happened about a month ago), just when people thought he was doing better than ever. His seemingly boundless energy and outrageous, almost adolescent mannerisms were just a guise to deceive people from the dark reality he harbored deep inside.

Well, it's a relief to know that you arent chained by the code of macho ethics (i.e. grit your teeth and just bury all of that shit inside). You'll get out of this, and you'll be stronger than ever before.

Just hang in there man. The situation WILL improve, sooner or later. You just gotta have faith...

:bottumsup

RED

Do your best to stay positive bud...and make sure you go to a good doctor...I'm no shrink myself but the truth of the matter is that you are simply not thinking clearly because of a few unhelpful associations that your subconscious mind has made. It is your subconscious mind that has linked a few things together that are causing you to feel the way that you do....

It may take some time but the only long term way to get back to reality and get positive is to figure out what these associations were and then realize that they were BS....trust me stay positive, work on these issues with someone trustworthy and when the moment comes when you get down to these thoughts and deprogram them I swear you will be laughing about it and be stronger than you have ever been...

We're all rooting for you....it takes balls of steel to admit that you are having some problems in your life...and that is the first step to solving them....so you are 100% on the right track....just decide to step back from that edge and solve your problems...

personally I think man made anti depressants are terrible things.. but anyways.. your brainwaves are on certain frequencies (Beta Alpha Theta etc..) the Beta higher frequencies is where all anxiety/fear etc reside.. if you dont already have soulseek get it at www.slsknet.org and search "hemi sync", which is sound designed to get you to lower medative states of mind.. while listening practise quieting all thought.. for meditation techniques check out www.astralsociety.com forums (if its not your cup of tea ignore all spiritual talk and just find the meditiation methods)

bb

I feel better after reading this lot.
THANKS ALOT guys, the support and comments are real good, I will take note.
I feel better already, more kinda positive.
Am not gunna let myself get dragged and buried into a hole....I am gunna get out of this oneway or another.

Itll take a little while, but I will manage.

This however [support] really helps, its SURPRISING how much help this actually brings to me, thanks once more.
Hope I can return the favour.

good one AC.
Yes I forgot to mention what *they* got....ya wont belive it, infact you will all go APenis Enlargement.....this is BRITISH justice for ya.....are ya ready?

They only arrested ONE, the others got away apparently, or the ass who they got didnt say, but the good thing is he is the MAIN man, the MAIN coward the SUPPOSED leader.

Anyways it went to court and he got 3 months in prison for Common Assault <<< UK Justice = A JOKE.
He was arrested for GBH which is like min'' of 2/4 years here, it was dropped to ABH which is abit lesser than dropped again to common assault, he had a good lawyer on his side, we know the lwayer but he was doing his job no beef their.

But this WANKER [main cowward] was also up for ATTACKING another INNOCENT man, plus damaging cars, thieveing and drug abuse.....ALL added up he got 6 months.

3 months for me
1 month for £500 of car damage or around $800 [USA]
1 month for another assault
1 month for theft



COME TO THE UK all you gangs and fuckers cos ya get off with EVERYTHING HERE, only thing ya dont get away with is Child cases and Fraud apart from that its

Hes long out now, but I can sit in bed at night knowing he *wont do it again* I cant say what happened exactly .... all I can say is he aint the same since, and noone hears of his crimes no more....he was notorious with the police and the shit tip he lived at....now not a peep

As for the others......I have to let them go, but I hope they get KARMA ONE LONG COLD DARK NIGHT.
Mutha fuckas.

I have pherapy on me mental and physical since the attack, damn they should have been locked up for years......dont even ask why, all I can say is its UK Justice....any UK guy here will back me up IT STINKS.

Man, talk about injustice!!! :fight: :fight:
These pussies should be punished according to the ancient law of Hammurab: a tooth for a tooth, an eye for an eye!!! They should blindfold and tie these dickless fucks up and let you unleash your vengeance upon them, one by one! Now that's what I would call justice! And they sure as hell would never assault anyone again after such a punisHydromaxent...

It's the same in my country. Here you don't even necessarily get jailtime (if you're a first time offender) for kicking the shit outta someone, you just have to pay some fines, that's all. Simple pickpocketing and probably even shoplifting is looked upon as being a more severe crime than if you cause someone bodily harm intentionally. How fucked up is that??!! > >

Red. Glad you've finally gone to the doc about it, you've taken the first step to helping yourself - well done.

My brother-in-law was on a night out a few years ago and was on his way home when he was set upon by a load of drunks for no apparent reason. He's now got a metal plate in his head and won't drink and is reluctant to go for a night out anymore. I wish I was there when it happened. Hindsight's a wonderful thing eh?

Anyhow, hope you feel better soon.

Slam

Well I kinda feel better.
But I think the tablets have made me real REAL aggresive.
When I snap now I really snap, maybe its a temp thing? but thats the only disadvantage thus far.

I have been feeling okay, until today .... kinda feel pissed of again.

Man red, I am so sorry. You are a good freind. Anything you need jusk ask, ok?

THANKS ALOT MAN, I wonna say to you all that my mind is all over the show, I mean I am snappy at the moment, so if you guys notice this at least you know why....I aint being funny with anyone personnaly, just that I am feeling like shit.

Hang in there RED, keep your head up!!

Hey Red,

You'll be all right... alot of people at the top fall every now and then... you just have to have the tenacity to get up again and say fuck it and laugh it off.

Check your PM

you will win this battle!!

cheers men, this is cool.
Thanks also SLICEDBEEF you are a rare exmple of a decent man these days, I owe ya one.

Originally posted by MCTFB
Some people may flame me for saying this but you could try and develop a spiritual side to your life if you don't have one. I am not saying you should become a born-again Christian or anything like that,

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Although I am not religious (as most people should know by now), I agree with this in some respect. I would call it more getting in touch with your "philosophical side." Figure out your purposes, your goals, what you need to do, what you can do, how to,etc.