Attention: I Have Been Using Other Guy's Photos For A Very Long Time (Apology)

[AF3]

This is a hard message to write, as I'm deeply ashamed of doing this, but I need to call accountability to it --


When I was a lot younger, I saw my first "massive-cock" adult entertainment, and it made quite an impression.

I became fascinated by the idea of how women reacted to a big penis, and I convinced myself that having a big penis meant automatic sex, and that if it was big enough, women would be powerless to resist it.

Basically, I came to associate the idea of having a big penis, or a woman being "impressed" by one, with having sex, even if I was watching a video screen, and the sex was just masturbating.

Furthermore, I came to associate the idea of having a big penis with women being automatically ready for sex.

I thought that penis size trumped all, meaning a guy with a big penis would never get rejected, and a man's life would be perfect, if only his penis was big enough to make it perfect.

I thought that this was the ultimate trump card w/ the opposite sex, in the sense that every woman would think "well, he's got a big dick, I have to fuck him, and worship him," or whatever.

It's embarrassing to see that I was so foolish, and that this became my reality, for such a long time.

(I also remember that when I was younger, and in high-school, some girl kept insulting my "alleged" size -- she hadn't even seen it, she was just trying to get to me -- so that didn't help.)

As time progressed, I surrounded myself with more and more environments which supported the idea that "penis size trumps all", and went out of my way to confirm this (erroneous) belief.

Now, I realize that confidence, leadership, and integrity are the only trump cards in life, and that the pornography industry strives on creating doubt, instead of creating empowerment.

Before understanding this, I attempted to repair my (own) self-esteem by using other men's pictures online, and passing them off as my own.

Since I didn't actually have the size of the people that I had seen in adult entertainment, or other guys that were getting reactions online, this seemed like a compelling way to simulate the experience of being sexually desired.

I would lie to these women, and say/imply that my penis was much bigger than it was.

This was completely silly, because I was sweeping the rug out from my own self-esteem.

I had become so convinced that women wanted to be "impressed", and I was so excited at the thought of wielding some kind of power over a woman's reaction to me, that simulating this experience became something of an obsession.

I would watch more (and more) adult entertainment of this nature, and I would join adult photo-sharing websites while using pictures of other men -- creating online alter-egos became habit, and it was an (unsuccessful) attempt to heal a deep fear of sexual inadequacy.

I did not understand that this behavior was furthering my feelings of frustration.

Since I didn't actually have the size of the people that I had seen in adult entertainment, or other guys that were getting reactions online, I would use the internet to find their pictures, and live vicariously through this fantasy that I had constructed.

I would lose days to immersion in the world of adult entertainment and pursuing cyber-sex, not even using my own pictures for the latter.

My efforts included everything from making several (false) accounts at websites like TangoTime and NewbieNudes, to sharing pictures that weren't mine when the conversation became sexual w/ women that I was talking with as "my-self" on various dating web-sites, always using their reactions to masturbate, and climax.

I would spend hours on these endeavors, ignoring my school-work, and other areas of my life, just so that I could reach the "success" of having a woman react to another man's picture, while thinking it was mine. (I also experimented with photo-shopping my own, though the latter proved more effective.)

It was part of a general obsession w/ the idea behind "big-dick" adult entertainment -- that a part of your body, and another person's reaction to it, can produce a sustainable source of self-esteem.

It was part of a period where I did not think that I was good enough, and did not understand that I was being lied to about my potential, as all of you are being lied to, as well.

I thought it was acceptable behavior to do whatever it took to simulate the experience of being accepted, even if that came at the expense of my integrity.

The only time that I felt sexually desired, was when I was pretending to be somebody else.

This desire for acceptance consumed my life, and eroded my character.

I would spend hours on lpsg.org, being so jealous of people w/ a bigger penis than mine, and I would spend days pursuing cyber sex, using other men's photos when I created the accounts.

I would do whatever it took to simulate the experience of being desired, because I was not confident that I was enough.

I would keep seeking out reactions, and would often use masturbation to make the experience more exciting, and gratifying.

While my Parents paid for an expensive university, I wasted their money on years of chronic masturbation, depression, and lies.

Eventually, it got to the point, where most of the biggest ones weren't even big enough for my fantasy "alter-ego", and I would take the biggest ones I could find and then Photoshop them, to make them even bigger (before presenting them to women, and pretending they were mine).

When I did not pass the pictures off as my own, I would spend hours clicking on other men's pictures to look at the comments, searches for comments from attractive women as a source of arousal, often masturbating to the mere thought of her reaction upon being presented with a big penis, and how she would have to "submit" to it.

I would think about what it would be like if that was me that she was talking to -- I thought that if my penis was bigger than the person's in the photo, if it was the biggest she'd ever seen, that she would automatically like me, and submit to me sexually.

The idea was so exciting that I would often masturbate to the thought, while I was staring at her photos.

Other times, I had become so desensitized to doing this, that combing through the "Dicks" section on NewbieNudes and looking for comments was almost like reading the newspaper.

Almost.

It sounds silly now, because I realize that doing this has been about chasing acceptance, and living vicariously through other men to get some sense of it has ruined me, for the moment.

I was lying, rather than cultivating my-self (and cultivating this part of my own body, for Christ's sake, which I didn't even understand was possible before [words=https://shop.mattersofsize.com/products/sizegenetics-penis-extender]SizeGenetics[/words]/M.O.S.).

These behaviors have little do w/ sex, and much more to do with a general sense of self-worth.

These behaviors were part of a general coping mechanism that involved a fear of facing the truth, and general lack of self-confidence, which is .


I look ahead to the next decade of my life, and I realize that the first three have been wasted chasing validation, when I have had it the whole time.

The chase has always come at the expense of my character and integrity, and this is no longer acceptable.

In the course of these behaviors, I have definitely used pictures of some forum members, and passed them off as my own.

Namely, I owe the following an apology, and I hope they will accept:

DLD (I think it was just the well-known picture set w/ the arm and the ruler, and I'm sorry.)
bigbuttlover (I don't think the guy posts here any more, I'm not sure. I remember that I stole his flaccid pictures, and a few of the erect ones.)
cracka1 (I stole a few of them, and then stretched them out w/ FotoFlexer)
--I might have used kingsnake's too, I don't remember.

I am deeply sorry, and I have (obviously) decided that I will not engage in these behaviors any further, and they are not acceptable.

I would very much appreciate being allowed to (still) use the forums, as this web-site has helped to change my perspective on a lot of (sexual) issues, and when I reach my target size, I will be happy to contribute.

Thank you for your time,

A.



-- By the way, the most messed-up part of this whole deal, is that from reading this message, people would probably would think that I literally had micro-penis, or something, when that is far from the case. All of this is just a very good example of what this culture can do to people, if they are not vigilant in cultivating self-esteem. --

 

[GirthGains]

This is great stuff AF3. You are learning from your mistakes and doing it the honest way. You became obssessed, confused, and Tranquilized by adult entertainment and big dicks. The only girls after big dicks are size queens or girls that prefer above average. Some girls prefer average and small dicks too as there are different sizes of vaginas. Some wider,deeper, shorter,more narrow, crooked. There's a dick for every vagina. Take what you've learned from this to better yourself. Character is a part of what girls like to along with cofindence. But I'm sure.you already know. So what gave you the idea or drive to stop pretending to have a massive dick to impress girls?

 

[stillwantmore]

So you were basically doing like on that show "Catfish"?

 

[Aimingforthetop]

Self confidence is the man walking up to the girl and says hi. Not because he knows that he can get her.

But because he knows that it doesn't matter if she says yes or no.

To admit ones mistakes is in my opinion one of the biggest strenghts. A person can possess. And it is what makes people succesfull. So many people who keeps being attached to old patterns. And who never lets go.

So you have my respect my friend.

And do not believe for 1 second that you have wasted time. You have gained an insight in understanding what self destroying behavior is. Or let me put it in another way.

Would you be more capable of helping other people in likewise situations?

Going from -10 to 0 is just as hard as going from 0 to 10 (if not harder)

So the personal development you have gained by now. Is going to make your life alot easier.

Don't slam it down to be nothing

 

[ShadedSam]

Don't worry. Its possible to get bigger. Sure, girls don't care that much about penis size compared to other things, but from reading your post, you are like me. I knew that I was supposed to be bigger and wouldn't be happy with myself until I was. Its the same as bodybuilding. If you're doing it for girls instead of doing it for yourself, you're not gonna be able to maintain the willpower to make gains.

 

[DLD]

You need not be so hard on yourself, your story reflects the story of many here today. Yes, you did become obsessed and lacked proper discipline but there is an upside to this and that is your imagination. You have a broad imagination which allows you to pretend things before they happen and I do not want you to lose this. The men who can pretend the most end up creating that which they pretended to have. This sounds like a self lie but it is nothing more than manifestation, something made popular by the Secret. I can speak for the Brotherhood when I say you are welcome here and we leave the past in the past. At this point in your life I would suggest a few things to help you on your way. The average size man has a 5.5" penis but the largest is about 11" this is broken up like this, 90% of the men in the world fall into the average category while 5% fall under average and 5% fall above average. As you go above average measurements the number of men diminish as the size becomes bigger. The big dicks you see in adult entertainment, across the board, are the same 10 actors that fill these roles compared to the other 1000s of men who do not. How big is big enough for a size queen, I would say right about 8 x 6, a size most men strive for here. The chances of a size queen getting anything bigger becomes very rare as she makes her way up the scale. So, with that said, adult entertainment is mostly built on larger than life experience. This means making every effort to make an average penis look big and a above average penis look massive. If you want to see true average size visit a nude beach, or find pictures online, this is what the world really looks like nude. So put adult entertainment out of your mind.

Next, discipline is so important when it comes to anything in your life, including PE. Moderation in all things never meant so much after reading your post. You label yourself as a liar but what you were really doing is what 90% of the users online do, pretend to be something they are not. Now how would it pan out if a girl fell for you and a fake picture? What would you say when sex was about to happen? You would be incredibly embarrassed and the girl would go off thinking you are dishonest, great for a one night stand but thats about it. You need to fist stop worrying about what a girl wants and really pin down what you want. Make a choice, start a log, be honest with us and we will get you there for you and no one else. But never lose that wonderful imagination you have. Use it to get to your goal faster.

Try to live life in the real world and limit your time online to the Brotherhood here and other sites that will help you be the person you want. Facebook is a bunch of people pretending to be something there not, and every other site like this is the same. You talk about the LPSG, I know most of the bigger men their use edited pictures. They are a bunch of wannabes that live their life a phonies. I am not sure what they get out of this dishonest behavior but they continue to fake a life they do not have. Too many people spend too much time online. Online to me is spending 7 hours a day at [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words] and maybe another hour researching things pertinent to my betterment and that of the Brotherhood (and remember this is my job). The rest of my day is spent with family and friends enjoying life in the real world.

I want to see you start with a clear conscious and a fresh start and allow us help you be all the man you can be, that is what this Brotherhood is for. I love all of my Brothers the same and will help any one of you get what you want in life. There is no reason to lie here, we want to hear the truth so we can advise people in the right way. I say call today the first day of your life and start fresh! Have no fear, we will be here for you.

 

[AF3]

This is great stuff AF3. You are learning from your mistakes and doing it the honest way. You became obssessed, confused, and Tranquilized by adult entertainment and big dicks. The only girls after big dicks are size queens or girls that prefer above average. Some girls prefer average and small dicks too as there are different sizes of vaginas. Some wider,deeper, shorter,more narrow, crooked. There's a dick for every vagina. Take what you've learned from this to better yourself. Character is a part of what girls like to along with cofindence. But I'm sure.you already know. So what gave you the idea or drive to stop pretending to have a massive dick to impress girls?

Well, I typed out a very long response, and then it turns out I was not logged in, so an hour or so of composing that message was (apparently) vaporized.

I will talk about these things much more, and plan to write a detailed time-line, and give the letter some context, so that what (exactly) happened is much more clear, and people can more fully understand the specifics, in terms of what I did (and did not) do.

Short answer:

I have made a decision that I will not suffer inside, and I will not let this culture determine how I feel about my-self.




The (paraphrased) longer answer, is:

It could have been anything, and it was, in the sense that there was a period in my life where I used my imagination to escape in to a much more detailed facade, instead of just cultivating these things in reality.

A long time ago, I lied about money, and I cheated my way through college, when it would have been actually easier to just make the money, and to learn the material.

I was very fortunate to have a few experiences where this facade blew up in my face, and I'm so grateful for that.

Because of those experiences, I have developed some painful associations with being "dis-honest", even though there was a part of me that did not register what I was doing as a lie, because I was not associating those pictures w/ my own likeness, in the sense of trying to link them to my face, or anything like that.

The(sexual) behavior was something that I had not dared not to face, until I realized that I had to.

When I realized that I had been giving my power away, I found it absolutely disgusting, because that is not how I have decided to live, ever.

I believe that the whole habit loop got lodged in there (and has remained), because I have been allowed to escape in this way for a very long time, and instead of receiving constant pain for doing this, I was able to encourage it with pleasure, and further in-grain it in the reward system of the un-conscious.

Eventually, I knew that I had to stop, and the moment of pain was specifically when I realized that I would not be able to respect myself, and therefore not be able to pass on to others, without first conquering these challenges.

In short, I realized that I was a fraud, again.

It is not conceivable for me to lie to my friends, or anybody else for that matter (when I am acting as myself), and so the other day, when a friend asked me how I was doing and I said "good", I realized that I was not telling full truth, and I though that was bullsh#t behavior, on my part.

I did not face the reality that I was just as dishonest as before, I had just invented other personas to do it, and caused a schism in my heart.

My sense of self is still quite weak, though there are often times where it appears to be quite strong, and there are areas where it has improved drastically.

I was lucky, in that I understood what I would have to do to start making immediate progress, and that writing this letter and acting with integrity would be therapeutic, and that it would begin to immediately flip the associations and the way that I saw my behavior, being able to look at it for what it actually was, instead of lying to myself and saying that it was "research", or anything like that.

 

[AF3]

So you were basically doing like on that show "Catfish"?

For the last four years (and I can talk about what happened before that, in another letter), I do not recall ever posting another person's picture as "my-self", in the sense of linking it to my face, or name (in full), or anything like that.

In fact, the most fucked-up part of this story is that I have posted my own pictures and received compliments more than once, and it wasn't enough.

(I'll address in the next post).

For the last four years, I do not recall ever doing anything where I was actually planning to meet that person, or doing something to encourage emotional investment on their end, or anything like that. It was more of a "big-dick chat"/get off type thing, where I got very adept at getting the reactions that fueled me, and then moved on, often times (towards the end) telling them that those weren't my pictures.

I do not ever recall there being overtones of emotional investment, or anything of that nature, and I would not play in to those, that I remember.
--In fact, I would (specifically) make new accounts, and not develop friendships with any of these people. I would often end up talking to the same person from different accounts (NewbieNudes), and not tell them it was "me". I don't remember ever developing some kind of e-friendship as anybody besides myself for more than like, a day.

I think the most that happened on the emotional investment front was like, some chick agreed to meet "me" at a nude beach by where she lived, or some shit like that, and it was done in such a manner that she was just going kind of going along with what I saying, so I don't know how serious she was, and we did not exchange phone numbers, or anything like that.

--Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure that chick was very damaged/abused sexually, and I don't remember if I stopped talking to her immediately after I realized that, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened. It wouldn't surprise me if not, though, because there was a state where I pretty fucked up in how far I would go, I just wasn't doing things to actively hurt people or get involved in their lives, and it was usually them that ended up ignoring me, or flaking out on our conversation, and so on, so I don't think they even paid attention, when our "conversation" was through.

If I ever sent photos of my-self to any woman who I was planning on meeting, I would always use my own pictures, and it wouldn't even occur to me to use another person's (which might sound kind of confusing).

Basically, the sexual gratification loop of using other men's pictures/getting off to the reactions became completely compartmentalized, to the point where I would just construct an identity (which had nothing to do with myself, in terms of anything other than location, or where I grew up or stuff like that, but the idea at that point was never to make it seem like it was "me", or anything like that.)


So, from what I understand, that show is more about people seeking relationships by doing this, and constructing false identities to legitimately try and live the lie.

Towards the end, if it ever got to a point where I thought somebody was getting legitimately interested in meeting, I would either leave, or tell them that those weren't my pictures.

 

[AF3]

You have a broad imagination which allows you to pretend things before they happen and I do not want you to lose this.

....

But never lose that wonderful imagination you have. Use it to get to your goal faster.

\
I want to see you start with a clear conscious and a fresh start and allow us help you be all the man you can be, that is what this Brotherhood is for. I love all of my Brothers the same and will help any one of you get what you want in life. There is no reason to lie here, we want to hear the truth so we can advise people in the right way. I say call today the first day of your life and start fresh! Have no fear, we will be here for you.

It's funny, because a lot of the time, towards the end, I convinced myself that I was actually doing "research" to get a definitive answer on whether or not I should pursue penis enlargement, which is a lot of how this habit continued -- by me telling my-self that it was research, and a part of me actually believing that -- despite being honest in several (other) aspects of my life. Basically, it just got very out of control again, and then I knew it had to stop.

I'm glad to hear you say what you said about imagination, and it actually enhances my opinion of how you view the world, because if I read the story that I wrote above, it would basically say to me:

"Holy fuck, that guy has massive potential, RIGHT NOW, it's just a matter of getting him in the right habits, and then he will do things that people don't even understand are possible."

In other words, I would take somebody with my background, over somebody with a wife and kids, any day of the week.

 

[AF3]

-- To people who are reading this, and thinking that some-how a woman's reactions to your size will matter, I want you to understand the following --


You've read the above story, and it's pretty intense, right?

Now, let me tell you about the following other experiences that I have had, and keep all of the following (above) in mind:

1) When I was in high-school, a girl saw up my gym shorts, and told her friend that I had a "really big dick", to the point where one of her other friends tried to feel me up in the hall, and that wasn't good enough for me to even consider seeking out women as my primary source of sex.
When push came to shove, I always turned to adult entertainment, more or less.

2) AFTER I used my OWN pictures w/ a girl that I met online, this girl freaked out about how big it was/"OMG", etc.

(Personally, I think it just came out that way in the picture, or whatever).

--I was so intimidated by how she reacted to MY dick, that I didn't let her (fully) see it when we met, and when we were making out one-time, I told her that it wasn't even hard when she felt it through my pants, even though I was. It was obviously hard, and she was like "hmmm...it feels hard", and I just denied it. I even considered getting SURGERY to make it bigger before we met, because I could not believe that I had not correct her, when she reacted.

-- Incidentally, freaking out and looking for ways to make it bigger was how I found the [words=https://shop.mattersofsize.com/products/sizegenetics-penis-extender]SizeGenetics[/words], so that was a nice introduction to penis enlargement, I suppose.

--I let things get to the point where she was literally in bed practically BEGGING to give me oral sex, and I still wouldn't even (fully) show it to her. Instead, I would basically get semi-erect and partially take my pants down to show her the beginning, so she thought it was some kind of huge flaccid, or whatever. I broke up with her, never having sex, or even letting her give me oral sex, like she wanted to.

--Then later, like SEVERAL months after we had broken up, and were meeting for pizza, I remember having the brilliant idea to stuff like two or three socks in some skinny jeans, and call her attention to it. She basically later told me, that she thought I was acting weird that night, or something along those lines. She said something like her "spidey senses were definitely tingling", or something like that, I don't remember the exact wording.

3) AFTER I learned that it was possible to make your dick bigger, AND had achieved gains, I still went back to using other men's pictures online, so it wasn't enough to understand that it was possible, and I believe it is a matter of self-esteem, in feeling ENTITLED to do it, as it's obvious that it is possible.

--There are other experiences, that I will detail in a later post, upon writing my full story in (more) detail, after I achieve my gains.

 

[AF3]

As a side-note, I would not suggest responding to my responses w/ any type of question that you would like to be answered immediately, since I probably won't be checking this thread, for awhile at least. I would much prefer to just post some type of journal entries/personal thoughts in a different thread, and leave it at that, for now.
a log

In terms of mechanics (as in, actually making your dick bigger), I have never done well w/ keeping a detailed log on here, and it's likely that I will keep a log w/ "BigAl", who I am hiring as my coach/consultant, as he seems to be running a very detailed, high-end coaching program, and I have heard Mike (DLD) recommend him before, I believe.

I would be happy to transfer all of my logs on here at the end, so that people can see the exact data, and understand the relationship between effort/results.

In other words, I am happy to share some knowledge when I actually have it, and be of help to people, since people here have been of help to me, and I would like to reward that. I would be more interested in sharing my full story in much detail, and plan to do so, as I progress, in therapy.

 

[DLD]

in the sense that there was a period in my life where I used my imagination to escape in to a much more detailed facade, instead of just cultivating these things in reality.

You hit it on the head here, this is the proper path to manifestation. There needs to be an action attached to the imagined state you desire. This is why I said not to lose one bit of that massive imagination, just use it the right way now.

 

[DLD]

It's funny, because a lot of the time, towards the end, I convinced myself that I was actually doing "research" to get a definitive answer on whether or not I should pursue penis enlargement, which is a lot of how this habit continued -- by me telling my-self that it was research, and a part of me actually believing that -- despite being honest in several (other) aspects of my life. Basically, it just got very out of control again, and then I knew it had to stop.

I'm glad to hear you say what you said about imagination, and it actually enhances my opinion of how you view the world, because if I read the story that I wrote above, it would basically say to me:

"Holy fuck, that guy has massive potential, RIGHT NOW, it's just a matter of getting him in the right habits, and then he will do things that people don't even understand are possible."

In other words, I would take somebody with my background, over somebody with a wife and kids, any day of the week.

I am glad it helped you. Like I said, I was 10" long before I was 10" I imagined that 10 inches and I played with this desire until I believed I actually had it. It was not long before the real thing came. Like I said already, action must follow imagination.

 

[Jack Leg]

Well, most of the women were probably using someone elses pictures too, and some of them probably weren't even women, so as far as they go, you're even

 

[DLD]

Well, most of the women were probably using someone elses pictures too

Laughing out loud in StarBucks So fucking true!

 

[AF3]

Well, most of the women were probably using someone elses pictures too, and some of them probably weren't even women, so as far as they go, you're even

The funny thing was that I didn't even care, it was just about the idea of "getting" acceptance, and simulating that situation in my head.

Like eight or nine years ago, I remember spending an entire day walking around my apartment naked, pretending that I was on a nude beach and that all of the women admired me, and basically telling my-self an erotic story for the entire afternoon, until I finally gave in and masturbated.

 

[AF3]

Update: While researching some (P.E.) exercises, I saw another guy's dick, and felt terrible about it -- like I had "cheated", so I felt compelled to post.

(I immediately scrolled down from the picture and I am currently figuring out how I am going to go about working around this issue of seeing another man's penis triggering all kinds of fucked-up connections, while getting simultaneously getting serious about P.E. and researching/looking at demonstrations of the exercises).

Other than that, I have not used adult entertainment/any other forum of sexual simulation on my computer, since I have written my original message.

I have found the idea of having sex as anybody but my-self to be a vile and repulsive form of self-sabotage which must continue to be destroyed until nothing but integrity is left.

I include masturbation in the list of unacceptable behaviors, as there is absolutely no reason to do it (in my experience), and several benefits to not doing it, and practicing transmutation.

 

[AF3]

Update (2): As part of a general sense of low self-worth, I have had issues with not paying attention to personal hygiene, and not showering for weeks on end/not even washing my hair, wearing dirty clothes, and so on.

After writing my original message, I woke up the next morning, showered, looked my best, and then went to an expensive clothing store to upgrade my wardrobe, looking at some suits. When I got out of the shower (probably the first time in a month or so) and shaved, I was surprised at how handsome I was. I was distinctly thinking "hey, I look like a rock-star."

Not more than five minutes after I was in the store, a salesperson walked over and told me that I looked like a rock-star (unsolicited), which I thought was pretty hilarious -- (I have long hair, and he told me that I looked like the lead singer from the Scorpions).

I decided awhile ago that I don't really care what other people think of my looks, and the other day was the first time in a very long time that I have actually added the second part to that equation -- I do care what I think of them, and how comfortable I am when I look in the mirror.



Since writing my original message, I take pride in my appearance, walk around with a much more centered feel in my body, and have noticed that people respond to me instantly, signaling that they want to be a part of my life.

I walk around the world feeling entitled to people's time, because I know that my intentions are good.

I have felt a lightness in my chest that I have not felt in a very long time, and feel much better than the last time that I came out of a very rough period in my life, and I have started practicing authentic self-development (again).


I have no interest in wielding power over anybody but myself, and I wrote this message as a thank-you to those that have responded to my original message.

(I actually didn't consider how people would respond to my original message when I was writing it, I just knew that I needed to write it and it was meant as a simple apology/therapeutic message. I was surprised that other people were so accepting, so thank you.)

 

[AF3]

Update (3): I have thought about it, and have realized the following:

The number of women that have either been naked in my bed and wanting to have first-time sex with me, or thought they were going to have sex with me when we had clothes on, and I refused/took them home/left, is actually more than number of women I've had sex with.

I'm not talking about some situation like "oh yeah, I could've banged her" -- I'm talking about at least two instances where the chick is literally naked, in my bed, and saying that she is interested in having sex either explicitly or in similar, or another where she has clothes on and is staying up late/waking up early the next morning because she brought me to her apartment to have sex, and then I basically refuse her when we're about to, and turn her over and give her a massage so she doesn't cry her-self to sleep, while I my-self was trying not to cry.

It's pretty funny, and I'm laughing pretty hard just thinking about ridiculous it is.

As another example, I met this chick while I was waiting for the train in Washington D.C., and anybody watching this interaction would have probably thought that I had done that a thousand times, and had sex with all of them.

Really, I didn't give a shit what she thought, I just wanted the left-over pizza that she had, and I think she was surprised that I didn't approach her in the same way ever other doofus (probably) did.

Anyways, we went out, and I actually remember that when I saw her again, I got pretty turned on, and completely dis-empowered at the same time, it was pretty funny.

I just had no idea how to get physical, and I thought that you needed some kind of “routine” or mechanics, rather than just acting from your gut. It got to the point where perceived me as so allergic to physical contact w/ her that she apologized for accidentally touching the back of my head when we were sitting on the park.

Regardless, the process of leading her in that way just completely dis-empowered me -- this happened a lot.

I would wait for women to lead (even though I didn't realize this at the time), and then they would obviously get turned-off, and that would be the end.

There were definitely some hilarious experiences, where even though (on some visceral level) these women probably knew that I was harm-less, they probably got really creeped out watching me flail around to find my desires as man, instead of just accessing the part of my consciousness that is a natural leader.

I didn't really understand why that was happening, and now I understand that part of this was just some kind of limiting self-concept that I had developed and various bullsh*t that I had “accepted” about myself – that I, as myself, was not sexually worthy, and they were better off just finding a guy who was “better” than me in some way, since that was what they wanted anyways.

Obviously, there was some penis size stuff related to that, and I was feeding these ideas w/ adult entertainment and other experiences, which were magnifying these ideas to me that I was not worthy of a woman sexually, and she should find some-body else.

It was even more messed-up than this, because when I was somewhere between the ages of ten and fifteen (I don't remember), I read an erotic story series where the main character had an ~11'' dick, and his life was perfect.

The story was written in such a way that he got whatever he wanted out of life, he always got a lot of attention, and he had an “aura” about him, and it was (supposedly) because he had such a big penis.

After reading that story, it made me think that if everybody in my life thought that I was like that man, my life would be a lot better.

As embarassing/hilarious as the following is going to be, after I read this story (I would guess that I was around 13), I tried to invent situations where I could get a semi-erection that looked like I was flaccid and "accidentally" have my Mom walk in on me in the shower, and so on, because I thought that the women of the house would respect me more if they thought I had a big, flaccid penis like the guy in the story.

I think there were scenes in the story where the character in the story had his life made better because people saw him walking around his apartment naked, and were amazed at his flaccid size, or something like that -- actually, I remember the basic gist of that scene now, and I remember that I wanted to just be like him, and have the people in my life think that I was just like him.

I remember thinking about those scenes/that story when I would try to invent those situations.

(As a rather funny side-note, I might have had an experience where I tried to do this when my grand-mother was around as well, and I don't remember if I was like “oh, shit!” or went ahead with the original plan, when I realized that it was my grand-mother walking in to the house, and not my Mom. I'm pretty sure that I was like “uh-oh”, and ran the fuck to my room, or some other place, where I could put clothes on.)

I gave up on "trying" to create this situation after it actually started happening, and then my Mom jumped out of her skin because she was not expecting to see me naked, and then she started thinking I was weird when I kept trying to find these situations, and didn't understand why I wouldn't just take a towel in to the bathroom w/ me, instead of opening the door to a crack and asking her to hand me one when I was out.

I'm glad that I'm looking back on all of this, because it's interesting to see how I was kind of “programmed” w/ these ideas from a very early age, and how they have been affecting my life.

I've only had sex with two women, and at least two of the ones that I refused were definitely equal or better-looking than the ones that I had sex with, which I don't think is coincidence.

A really attractive chick that I met in college isn't even included in this list – she was practically begging to mess around w/ me for a week, and I declined.

I tell my-self that I declined because she asked me to edit an English paper of hers and I got turned-off when there were all kinds of spelling mistakes, but the reality is that this was after several times where I just didn't know what to do when we were alone, and this was not the only time that this pattern has played out.
I tell my-self that I have always had high-standards, and the truth is I've always been scared, and I have never faced my sexual insecurities, to the point where a woman's point of view on my sexual skills/my body would not affect me.

(This was my first year of college, I was either 18 or 19, and she was the same).

I tell my-self that I have always had high-standards, and the truth is I've always been scared, and I have never faced my sexual insecurities, to the point where a woman's point of view on my sexual skills/my body would not affect me.

Then there was another, who I mentioned in another post – she was quite attractive, and things got to the point where she was literally pouting/begging when we were in bed, saying “...let me suck your cockkkk!”, and I refused.

When we had met online, and the conversation got sexual, I had sent her my own pictures – her “impressed” reaction scared me, so I thought that if I could make it bigger between the time that I sent her the pictures and the time that she acutally saw it, then things would be o.k.

I just didn't feel like I was “impressive” enough "down there", and so eventually, I would return simulating the experience of getting sexual “admiration”, by using the internet/stealing other guy's photos.

During the latter years, I often had the thought that using other men's photos as your own, because you think he is "better", or lying about yourself in any way, for that matter, is one of the worst things that you can do your self-esteem.

Habit forces prevailed, and I kept going, until I didn't.


I didn't understand that I was the slave, and my ego was my master, and repulsive as it sounds.

I guess that I haven't felt like I had much to offer these women.

On the one hand, it manifests as that I actually don't give a sh*t what people think, which is very true in every situation except for sex – the (full) reality, however, is that I have been avoiding situations where I might care what some-body thinks.

There are plenty of situations in which I (truly) do not give a sh*t what any human being would think – sex is not one of them.

It feels good to acknowledge that this is the case.

I have been confusing avoidance w/ “honesty”, and I have been confusing avoidance w/ legitimate progress.

Legitimate progress is measured on the level:

I will never accept sexual dis-honesty from myself.

Ever.

Again.

No matter what.

I will cultivate the confidence to be honest w/ women sexually, and I will accept nothing else.

Engaging in the aforementioned avoidance, rather than a ruthless assessment of my present behaviors and thought patterns, is obviously not the way to get stronger.


As a final example --

It was in the weeks before I left to live on the other side of the world (Asia) that I went out with six different girls, all of which I met on-line -- not through sex-chat websites, and not using other guy's pictures, or anything like that.

I had sex with none of them, and had trouble getting physical with all of them – I didn't really understand why, and now I understand that part of this was just some kind of limiting self-concept that I had developed and various bullsh*t that I had “accepted” about my-self – that I was not sexually worthy, and they were better off just finding a guy who was “better” than me in some way, since that was what they wanted anyways.

I thought that they should just find a guy with a huge penis, because that was what they wanted, anyways.

It's just so obvious now, that I haven't felt like I had much to offer women/various other people in my life, and on the one hand, it manifests as that I actually don't give a sh*t what they think.

I have been telling myself stories about how I “am”, when my actions have said other-wise, and it feels very good to recognize the disparity, and bring myself in to further alignment.

I want people to feel great around me, and I do not want them “attracted” to me for any other reason.

There is no difference between penis size, intelligence, or money in this respect – I will never again get tricked in to thinking that any of these things are more important than quality of character.

Not for any person on this planet.

Ever.

Since understanding this, I have felt a lot more centered.


Now:

I will never date anybody for any other reason than that I respect their character, and I expect the absolute same.
If I ever sense that the primary reason that some-body is “with” me because they are “impressed” with anything other than my character, they will be removed from my life.

Immediately.

I have not really realized how this entire history/so many of these sexual behaviors were severely impacting my confidence and integrity, until I have started to write about this and share it.

Even though I did not write my original message to get a response (I simply wanted people to understand that I was doing this), I have under-estimated the role that some of your responses would play in helping me to:

Step back, get outside of my-self, assess the situation (from a more external viewpoint), and start moving through it.

It is as if my entire life, there has been a road-block, as if there is a sticking point in my unconscious that did not want sex to happen.

The road-block has been opened.

I can think of no greater energy than to channel these (unconscious) forces in to full transmutation and dominance, which can lead to far greater things than intercourse w/ a woman, it can lead to intercourse w/ the world.

 

[AF3]

Anyways, I will be using my focus for moving on, in this and several areas of my life, as I have come to understand how important it is to become iron-clad in my priorities.


-- I have hired "BigAl" (AJ Alfaro), and I will be happy to provide a testimonial on his services/my experience w/ him, when I have completed my objectives.

As a favor to Mike (DLD), I will be taking clear before/after pictures, and will authorize M.O.S. to use these pictures in any of their promotional materials/advertisements, as well as any testimonials, which I will be happy to give.

As a favor to any-body who is looking to gain, I plan to retro-actively post my (complete) log on the forums, along w/ the aforementioned before and after photos, and I would be open to becoming more active on the forums, when I figure out a way that I can be legitimately effective.

It is likely that the latter will be done in some type of win/win + scalable way, and published at a point where I feel qualified to comment on whatever subject that I am writing about.

(For example, I may do some-thing like writing a published "guide to quitting adult entertainment", when I feel qualified to talk about it, and then let members of the forum access it for free, or post a lot of the content on the forums for free, or something like that.)


This has been very therapeutic, as there are very few "embarrassing" things that I have not mentioned about my sexual history, and I have received nothing but acceptance for it -- I definitely under-estimated the positive impact that some of these responses would have.

So, thanks again.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
--The only experiences that I have not mentioned were those that hadn't occurred to my until I wrote those lines above, as I have been writing things as they are appearing in my consciousness, for all of these posts, and then going back to edit order/grammar/correct redundancies, and so on. Let's see what else I've missed, I don't recall anything on this list that was not at least three years ago, with most of them being closer to six, or more):
Would seek "reactions" by just straight-up lying about my penis size w/ no pictures (of any kind) on instant messenger, telling stories to girls that made it seem like a lot of people thought I had a huge one and lying to girls about real dumb stuff, telling girls that my penis was so big it hurt my girlfriend (while I was dating this girl) and pretending like my size made sex a problem, telling a girl that my room-mate asked me to stop walking around in my under-wear because I was making him feel inadequate (or something like that, I think that's what I said, probably said a few other things), buying Magnum XL Condoms and displaying them by my bed, telling a girl that people called me "elephant trunk" and "firehose" in high school (this was an especially stupid one because I ended up meeting that girl and she had actually had a boyfriend who she said was very large, and didn't understand why I would lie), and telling a few other girls that I met online about my "size", only to actually meet them, and actually had one girl fake a head-ache, ha. The other one that I remember -- I told her some story about how a girl walked in on me in the shower in my dorm room, and then told a bunch of other people that it was huge; I made out w/ and felt-up that girl on the beach, and...I don't believe she called me back, so good for her. I also remember that OKCupid had some thread called the "GreatOKCupid Cock Comp" where people were posting their pictures, and naturally, I think I went to MonsterCockLand (might be called something different now) and ripped this guy's picture, invented some persona, and posted on there. I remember being on MonsterCockLand a lot, and using the name ElphntTrnk9, and declining an invitation to dinner with my girlfriend's family, so that I could stay in at her apartment, and then I ended up masturbating to adult entertainment (on that site) while she was out at dinner.

Definitely stuffed like...might have been THREE socks in my briefs when I knew that my room-mate's girlfriend was home and then walking around in such a way that she would see me, and want to talk to me, and then walking around the apartment in nothing but underwear in very close proximity to her when he wasn't home -- I had no plans of hooking up w/ her at all, it was just about walking around like that, and the fantasy of her being “impressed”, which seems now that I think about it, because she was probably just like 'uh, why doesn't this guy just put some pants on?').
__________________________________________________________________________________

 

[AF3]

By the way, the more that I read these posts, the more that I am confused, and thinking "why in the hell did I not just do the legitimate work, man... it would've just been way easier to use that time for either gaining (after finding out about P.E.), or forgetting about it, and developing authentic self-esteem, as MY-SELF."

-- I think that one of the more bizarre parts of my story, is that some of of these things were after I found out that P.E. was possible, and after I had gained. --

 

[ChilDsh]

I have hired "BigAl" (AJ Alfaro), and I will be happy to provide a testimonial on his services/my experience w/ him, when I have completed my objectives.

Youre on good hands,good luck with your journey and let us know your progress

 

[DLD]

By the way, the more that I read these posts, the more that I am confused, and thinking "why in the hell did I not just do the legitimate work, man... it would've just been way easier to use that time for either gaining (after finding out about P.E.), or forgetting about it, and developing authentic self-esteem, as MY-SELF."

-- I think that one of the more bizarre parts of my story, is that some of of these things were after I found out that P.E. was possible, and after I had gained. --

Leave the past in the past, it no longer has any influence on you. Start as i it were day one and this time do it the right way. We are in such a great time as far as PE goes with all the incredible innovations in exercise and routines and the amazing tools we have access to. Jump into the [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/forum/showthread.php?64036-My-Best-Work-Ever-Penis-Enlargement-will-Be-Changed-Forever-gt-gt-Gain%20inches%20with%20SRT-Theory-and-Routine]SRT[/words] Routine and do it for real this time. The only thing that happens when you dig up the past is you will get dirty. Look to the moment and progress from there.

 

[AF3]

Update:

I was looking online at some testimonials for male enhancement, and I saw another guy's dick.

Then, I was looking at a demonstration of the jeql device, and saw another guy's dick.

Tonight, I had an e-chat w/ one of the girls that was in my life during this period of my life, and told her the real reason that we never had sex, and about several of the things that I was doing, and I was kind of surprised at how positive she was, and didn't go to the "sad" place w/ me.

I was looking through a forum post tonight, and I saw a naked woman (avatar).

I am becoming repulsed by the thought of viewing any naked body, or having any sexual experience, online.

Other than the two above, and the one that I posted about before, those are the only naked bodies/genitalia that I have seen online (since I wrote my original message).

I have also not masturbated, or come close to doing so, since making my original post.

-- I have also hired BigAl, and he has been super generous with his time so far (we had a scheduled 15-minute phone call, and we went for like 45 minutes).

I have decided that I will do some sessions with a sex therapist, and I have sought out the most attractive female sex therapist(s) in Chicago, because I figure that explaining my challenges to them, will be the most intimidating.

I have had it with mediocrity, at this point in my life.

--There is one more woman to contact, and apologize to, because I feel like I cost us a productive friend-ship for the sake of my insecurities (which is absolutely un-acceptable), and then that should make everybody, that I can think of.

 

[DLD]

Update:

I was looking online at some testimonials for male enhancement, and I saw another guy's dick.

Then, I was looking at a demonstration of the jeql device, and saw another guy's dick.

Tonight, I had an e-chat w/ one of the girls that was in my life during this period of my life, and told her the real reason that we never had sex, and about several of the things that I was doing, and I was kind of surprised at how positive she was, and didn't go to the "sad" place w/ me.

I was looking through a forum post tonight, and I saw a naked woman (avatar).

I am becoming repulsed by the thought of viewing any naked body, or having any sexual experience, online.

Other than the two above, and the one that I posted about before, those are the only naked bodies/genitalia that I have seen online (since I wrote my original message).

I have also not masturbated, or come close to doing so, since making my original post.

-- I have also hired BigAl, and he has been super generous with his time so far (we had a scheduled 15-minute phone call, and we went for like 45 minutes).

I have decided that I will do some sessions with a sex therapist, and I have sought out the most attractive female sex therapist(s) in Chicago, because I figure that explaining my challenges to them, will be the most intimidating.

I have had it with mediocrity, at this point in my life.

--There is one more woman to contact, and apologize to, because I feel like I cost us a productive friend-ship for the sake of my insecurities (which is absolutely un-acceptable), and then that should make everybody, that I can think of.

I think you are going overboard with all of this. You made some simple mistakes and you have come clean, no reason to continue to punish yourself.

 

[joeamerica69]

First post here, though long time lurker. I can say from a lot of hard life experience no truer words have ever been spoken:

“Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.”
― Mark Twain

Sounds like you have developed some good judgement along with some mighty fine character.

 

[DLD]

First post here, though long time lurker. I can say from a lot of hard life experience no truer words have ever been spoken:

“Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.”
― Mark Twain

Sounds like you have developed some good judgement along with some mighty fine character.

Exactly. Coming clean with the truth shows major desire to change and I really admire anyone who can admit their wrongs and make up for them.

 

[AF3]

I think you are going overboard with all of this. You made some simple mistakes and you have come clean, no reason to continue to punish yourself.

Absolutely not, because it would be very easy to view it that way (and then end up in the same situation, six months from now, or when-ever).

I am not interested in this ever happening again, and by "this", I mean my self-concept preventing me from having anything that I want out of life.

"Simple mistake", while amicable, is not the truth.

I think it was John F. Kennedy who said, "the time to fix the roof is while the sun is shining," or something like that.

Anyways, thank you for your support; as I said, I am working on getting a "before" picture, and I will be happy license M.O.S. to use my before/after set, for whatever advertisements/promotions they would be interested in doing so, and I would be happy to give testimonial(s) on the web-site, and so on.

 

[AF3]

Update: Since the day that this thread was made, and I believe for the previous two days before that (as well), I have been trans-muting, and have no desire to do anything except for this, for quite awhile.

 

[Big Al]

A very brave admission. What you're going through is more common than you might imagine.

 

[DLD]

A very brave admission. What you're going through is more common than you might imagine.

Very strong comment and very true, this is not the first time that I have heard this. Most admit it privately though so hearing a public admission takes guts. And like I said before, pretending to be something you want to be is a very powerful tool for personal, mental manifestation, where it becomes an issue is when someone takes it public and pretends instead of actually doing the work to get there.

 

[AF3]

And like I said before, pretending to be something you want to be is a very powerful tool for personal, mental manifestation, where it becomes an issue is when someone takes it public and pretends instead of actually doing the work to get there.

Right, there is actually a famous business coach (Dan Pena) who calls this "smell the leather", as in going to the Rolls Royce Dealer-ship, and "smelling the leather" before you can afford one, and so on. This would have been the productive thing to do, and you hit it on the head when you said that it's about the relationship that you have with your ambitions/desire for increased capability, and the need to channel that towards taking productive action, instead of engaging in self-sabotage.


Update: Well, the "worst" thing that I have done since making that post, was today at a clothing store I realized that there were some pants I wanted to try (just went there to look at some shirts), and ended up trying on a pair of their pants w/ no under-wear (Uncle Jim's Wrap, obviously).

I feel terrible, and in the event that I am in there (again), I will obviously have to either apologize to the guy, and come clean, since I feel like sh*t about that, and offer to buy the pants, wash them, and then return them, etc.

Other than that, I think that I have been pretty honest, though, and have had no desire to look at any type of sexual internet material, which is good.

The closest that such material has reached, is P.E. research/threads, and it's traumatic to even see the various advertisements for things like the [words=https://officialhydromaxpump.com/?uid=6&oid=2&affid=98]Bath-Mate[/words], since I feel compelled to just report my viewing of anything related to naked bodies on the internet to the thread now (the thread is made for me, and the idea is by admitting such things publicly, there is such pain linked to even a smidgeon of these behaviors that I have no choice but to change, and feel better because of it). As for the other stuff, it had to be public, so that my brain would flip the associations w/ this kind of thing, as now there is no amount of money that one could pay me to even be in the same room as any video related to adult entertainment, or anything like that. (Those who doubt this are encouraged to physically present me with a blank check or large sum of cash, and I will be happy to either hand it back to them or rip it up in front of them and walk away, which-ever they prefer.)

I had a friend who did something similar with adult entertainment awhile ago, in that he was talking with a girl that he was seeing, and he started reading her all of the titles of the adult entertainment that he liked, or something like that, and I believe that it helped him a lot. I guess the point is that it seems like the most effective method(s) involve some type of specific detail on what you have been doing combined w/ personal responsibility, in which your name is actually attached, and something is "at stake", so to speak.

 

[AF3]

Update: I'm also addicted to the internet, period.

 

[acromegaly]

I have been thinking about your thread/situation for a couple days (no homo). and to be completely honest with you I think this might be one of the few situations where PE is a bad idea. If you will take any advice Im going to tell you just focus on basic human interactions. It sounds like you have isolated yourself physically and emotionally and you have forgotten basic human interactions (or maybe you never knew im not judging). the point is you are putting the cart before the horse. penis enlargement is something you do to enhance your relationships. you have wrote huge walls of text explaining how you dont think penis size is important, yet you have revolved your entire life around it. you are even going so far as to find girls you knew from the past and appologize to them for not having a giant penis! the whole thing is extremely crazy and if you ever want to have a normal relationship with a women you need to let this penis obsession go completely. Realize this; if you have a penis and it works you are an adequate sexual partner. end of story. there are men out there who dont even have a working set of genetalia. you are intelegint and have some money it sounds like. you need to count your blessing, work on basic interactions, and forget this penis obsession entirely. If you are able to hold down a relationship and act normal THEN you should look into PE. You are digging yourself even deeper into this mania and I hope you can realize it before more insane shit happens.

 

[DLD]

Update: I'm also addicted to the internet, period.

Addiction is only another word for loss of discipline, I actually like the latter much more. With anything that brings pleasure it is so important to regulate yourself and have a good sense of discipline about how often you can enjoy these things without allowing them to be lost in poor insight. Be honest with yourself and pick and choose from the wonderful sources of pleasure we have in the world, nibble and enjoy the taste without stuffing your face. Anything that feels good can eventually feel bad if you allow it to go out of control.

I also like the way you are seeing visualization. The leather was a perfect example. For me, when I want something the fist thing I do is ask God for it in prayer. Only once not over and over. asking for it over and over creates doubt that you will get it so ask only once. The next thing I do is pretend I have it. I do whatever I can to get my mind into the place that I already believe I have it. Last I do the inspired work necessary to get there. With each new accomplishment this process becomes easier and easier. There is no limit too the things you want in life, the perceived limitation is your lack of belief that you can have it.

 

[AF3]

Cliff's Notes: Have been successfully trans-muting since writing my original post.


Update: Since making my original post, I have completely abstinent from masturbation, and w/ the exception of going through my laptop files/folders, to clear them out and make room for my own before pictures, and realizing that I had not deleted some others which I had downloaded (of other men), I have been completely abstinent from any type of engagement in pornography -- the only other pictures that I have viewed were related to P.E., and obviously, I did not download them/try to pass them off as my own, and so on.


The closest action to any picture stealing/viewing/pornography, since making my original post, has been:

1) I was on PEGym, researching devices, and saw a picture of some guy (he was covered) during an advertisement, and felt the urge to "report" my-self here, for even viewing that, and not automatically looking away from the page after the first time, that I saw it.

2) I was going through my old "My Pictures" folder on my computer/desktop, and came across old pictures that I had stolen, and was probably going to use (before I made my original post) -- I deleted the entire folder, and any residual pictures, immediately, and again felt compelled to "report" myself for even (inadvertently) viewing them, which I barely did.

3) I was "forced" to watch a video of an exercise that BigAl suggested that I start with, and obviously, upon viewing the model, who was rather large, my brain experienced some triggers, and I closed the web-site, and am making this post (so as to further the association, and encourage my-self to "not even think about it", which has been working quite well so far.)

-Adam

 

[DLD]

Good to know you are cleaning out the closet. Now it is time for the real you to make real gains!

 

[AF3]

Update: It has been thirty five days since I have last used pornography, and/or masturbated, and/or engaged in any other behavior described within the first few posts of the thread (stealing other men's pictures, or even looking/comparing, and so on).

I have no plans to engage in any of those activities, ever again.

I have also started with BigAl through his premium coaching program, and have seen gains.

Sincerely,

A.

 

[DLD]

Update: It has been thirty five days since I have last used pornography, and/or masturbated, and/or engaged in any other behavior described within the first few posts of the thread (stealing other men's pictures, or even looking/comparing, and so on).

I have no plans to engage in any of those activities, ever again.

I have also started with BigAl through his premium coaching program, and have seen gains.

Sincerely,

I am happy you have found the way my Brother, you must feel a lot of relief getting all that off your conscious. How much gains have you seen over the 35 days?

 

[huge-girth]

Update: It has been thirty five days since I have last used pornography, and/or masturbated, and/or engaged in any other behavior described within the first few posts of the thread (stealing other men's pictures, or even looking/comparing, and so on).

I have no plans to engage in any of those activities, ever again.

I have also started with BigAl through his premium coaching program, and have seen gains.

Sincerely,

For more than 13 years, there haven't been a time when I stayed away from masturbation for one month. I'm beginning to think this might have something to do with setback. There are even times when I used to dream and see myself in places in my past that I never ever want to be. Seems this masturbation is evil.

 

[DLD]

For more than 13 years, there haven't been a time when I stayed away from masturbation for one month. I'm beginning to think this might have something to do with setback. There are even times when I used to dream and see myself in places in my past that I never ever want to be. Seems this masturbation is evil.

Dude, I have never refrained and my gains were insane. Don't make a problem where there is no problem.

 

[huge-girth]

Dude, I have never refrained and my gains were insane. Don't make a problem where there is no problem.

Alright.

 

[AF3]

@ DLD: As for gains, I have seen visual gains (in girth for sure), and the biggest challenge in gauging the numbers is that I have decided that the only time I am willing to become erect, for the moment, is when jelqing, since I am practicing transmutation (no ejaculation, at all) and I have no interest in even thinking about any movement patterns which resemble the way that I use to masturbate, since they trigger all kinds of associations, with pornography, stealing other guy's pictures and getting off to the reactions, and so on, and I would rather move past that, and issue new associations, with much healthier sexuality.

Basically, I am re-programming myself, mentally, emotionally, and physically, when it comes my sexuality and the physiological triggers around this area of my life, and so my training program is done with that in mind. Thus, I do not really take many erect measurements at the moment, except when jelqing, and the "best" girth measurement that I took was post-jelq, in a relatively flaccid state, and looks like it was on the order of +.3'' (in under a month of jelqing) compared to what I estimated my erect girth to be before.

If anything, it looks like I may have over-estimated my starting erect girth, and my "best" post-jelq measurement may even be closer to +.4'' or +.5'', I'm not sure.

Regardless, at this point, I am taking an incrementally progressive approach (with coaching from BigAl), and am focused on cementing solid training habits, and becoming the most efficient with P.E., given what I am (and am not) willing to do.

I would much rather gain through linear progression on my program, while cementing solid habits, than try to rush in to some of the more intense, and time-consuming routines.

 

[AF3]

It sounds like you have isolated yourself physically and emotionally and you have forgotten basic human interactions

That's a great point, and it's exactly what happened, thank you.

As for the rest of your letter, I appreciate you giving your opinion.

Sexual enhancement (size, [words=http://fleshlight.sjv.io/c/348327/302851/4702]stamina[/words], and so on) is a small part of the time that I spend on self-development, and it is one of many developing habits which represent a continually growing sense of entitlement to create a life of my own design -- be that spiritual, emotional, physical, social, or sexual.

I do my training, I keep a log, I send any questions on the session to an expert (BigAl, in this case), and then I move on with my day.

Upon reading the way that you phrased the rest of your response, and looking at how often you're using the forums, combined with some of the other things that you have said, I hope you realize that you don't have to suffer, and you start to face the things which are bothering you.


Best of luck,

Adam

 

[DLD]

@ DLD: As for gains, I have seen visual gains (in girth for sure), and the biggest challenge in gauging the numbers is that I have decided that the only time I am willing to become erect, for the moment, is when jelqing, since I am practicing transmutation (no ejaculation, at all) and I have no interest in even thinking about any movement patterns which resemble the way that I use to masturbate, since they trigger all kinds of associations, with pornography, stealing other guy's pictures and getting off to the reactions, and so on, and I would rather move past that, and issue new associations, with much healthier sexuality.

Basically, I am re-programming myself, mentally, emotionally, and physically, when it comes my sexuality and the physiological triggers around this area of my life, and so my training program is done with that in mind. Thus, I do not really take many erect measurements at the moment, except when jelqing, and the "best" girth measurement that I took was post-jelq, in a relatively flaccid state, and looks like it was on the order of +.3'' (in under a month of jelqing) compared to what I estimated my erect girth to be before.

If anything, it looks like I may have over-estimated my starting erect girth, and my "best" post-jelq measurement may even be closer to +.4'' or +.5'', I'm not sure.

Regardless, at this point, I am taking an incrementally progressive approach (with coaching from BigAl), and am focused on cementing solid training habits, and becoming the most efficient with P.E., given what I am (and am not) willing to do.

I would much rather gain through linear progression on my program, while cementing solid habits, than try to rush in to some of the more intense, and time-consuming routines.

What is the cost of the personal coaching? Is it done over the phone?

 

[acromegaly]

That's a great point, and it's exactly what happened, thank you.

As for the rest of your letter, I appreciate you giving your opinion.

Sexual enhancement (size, [words=http://fleshlight.sjv.io/c/348327/302851/4702]stamina[/words], and so on) is a small part of the time that I spend on self-development, and it is one of many developing habits which represent a continually growing sense of entitlement to create a life of my own design -- be that spiritual, emotional, physical, social, or sexual.

I do my training, I keep a log, I send any questions on the session to an expert (BigAl, in this case), and then I move on with my day.

Upon reading the way that you phrased the rest of your response, and looking at how often you're using the forums, combined with some of the other things that you have said, I hope you realize that you don't have to suffer, and you start to face the things which are bothering you.


Best of luck,

Adam

Bro I post here too much, but the stuff I said comes from the heart. I think everybody deserves to be happy and in a relationship and have sex regularly. If you want that stuff you have to practice relationships skills I mean it's not always easy and sex takes practice too. I absolutely did not mean to offend you and I hope you have a good life.

 

[templnite]

He schooled you man.

 

[AF3]

Bro I post here too much, but the stuff I said comes from the heart. I think everybody deserves to be happy and in a relationship and have sex regularly. If you want that stuff you have to practice relationships skills I mean it's not always easy and sex takes practice too. I absolutely did not mean to offend you and I hope you have a good life.

@DLD: Yes, he has a premium coaching program with a client portal, weekly Skype/phone consultations (if desired), and so on. It has helped tremendously, and he is obviously dedicated to his clients, no question about that. (As a side-note, he also talks very highly of you, and I think it would be great for you to do a personal coaching program, as well.)


@acromegaly: No problem, I appreciate your support. I think a lot of the time, the things that we feel the need to help others the most with is often what we need the most help with, and that the only way to deal with them is to face them straight on, as much as it hurts. I know that when I get involved in internet forums, and especially when I start trying to give advice on internet forums, it's usually from a place of pain, and I am running from something in an attempt to save my-self by feeling like I helped another person by telling them what to do, rather than face my own fears.

It's never worked out for me to do that, perhaps you are different. Regardless, I appreciate that you care, no matter where it comes from, and best of luck.

-Adam

 

[AF3]

He schooled you man.

I don't want any ego-battles with anybody, or anything like that.

I think the reality is that there are a lot of men who have a tremendous amount of pain around this issue, and it is a situation in which we can support one another, to great effect.

I think arguments or competition among people who are hurting is very counter-productive, and I do not want to participate in such a thing, because I don't believe that anybody is better off for it, in the long-run.

Also, I think acromegaly is right, in that it's very important to think quite hard about why you would want to do something like sexual enhancement, and the only acceptable answer is that you understand that no matter how "big" you make your-self, it is the process that you must enjoy, and the internal changes being a person of action will bring, not the external changes.

In fact, after writing the original letters, and starting down a new road, I have realized that low self-esteem is not EVER changed by creating different external circumstances, but by deciding to design your life, and being involved in the action, with each external development being consciously paired w/ internal enhancement, as well.

When I look at a lot of the ideas about competition, and trying to be "bigger" than another person, rather than asking how great you can be, especially in areas of masculinity, I realize that engaging in these has just been my own lack of self-worth playing itself out, and that the most effective way to live is to view your life as a celebration of the very act of being alive, and not to chase your tail, but to cultivate and share your-self with the world, as scary as that may be.

I believe that other people have similar pain, and I have begun to see it in a lot of areas, now that I have started to admit (to my-self, and to others) how much I have been hurting.


Good luck,

Adam

 

[templnite]

Of course I knew that, I gave you the win