We all feel like failures at times.
I have felt it MANY times
Do not despair.
Life is a journey, not a guided tour, not a scripted
play, it's not something that anyone else can do for us.
Me must make it through ourselves.
The whole reason that I am here, is because 3 times in my
life, a man (yes, a man, I am gay), that I brought home
from the club for the sole purpose of sex, laughed at the
size of my penis, and said I was not worth their time.
And left me, there, in my small nakedness.
I grew up, as a gay boy, (I knew since I was about 12 y/o)
on top of a mountain in the Ozark National Forrests of
rural Arkansas, raised by a highly religious, millitaristic,
deeply red-necked hillbilly family. One set of grandparents
did not even have an indoor toilet! I was reminded every day
that I was a freak! At 18 y/o I was kicked out (1993).
I have been to Vo-Tech a total of 3 times, and have
some college, I have/had 3 medical licenses, and only
an Assoc. Degree.
At 20 y/o (1995), I was a new graduate of EMT-Basic school and
had me a job on an ambulance. I had accomplished my sole
goal in life, and was walking on air. Then, 3 months later
I was sent to, what at the time was the worst act of
terrorism on US soil in time immemorial. Many times
that day, I was CRUSHED in every imaginable way.
Watch this video, an just imagine:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jva3q7OMDVI
In 1997, my first boyfriend, the love of my life, was
diagnosed with HIV, and commited suicide.
In 1999, I found myself serving as a combat medic in
the Balkans. If you have never been in a war zone,
especially one that is an ethnic genocide, then you
can not imagine what "HATE" truly is. The evil things
that one person(s) can do to another (others) is truly
unbelieveable. At this point, I had no trust in the
human race what-so-ever. Please watch this video, and
look at the number of people on the refugee ships, and
then imagine, that you are a Paramedic, 24 y/o, and you
are charged with the responsiblility of 'refugee
displacement'. :
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ErvZhqiNnDo
In 2002, new laws were passed, and I lost my lab tech
license, because I did not have a 4 year degree.
In 2005, new laws were passed, and the medical license
of CRT was being invalidated. Those who had some college
hours were given the opportunity to challenge an RRT
board exam in order to get a license. Luckily I had
enough hours, I challenged the exam, and I am now
an RRT, and can work.
In 2007, my husband of 6 years broke up with me.
As the house was in his name, I had to find a new home
So, I bought a new house. 10 weeks later, the hospital
I worked for closed, and I was unemployed.
I have been hopeless, crushed, embarrassed, etc, etc,
many times in my life. Yet, I still survive. And I always
will. Yes, I am not writing in proper grammar, starting
my sentences with 'and' and so forth, but I digress.
You must always 'stay in the fight', 'stay in the game'.
You need education, Clovis Community College online, is
a very cheap, online school, that you can get an
Assoc. degree from. I have used them, and they offer,
a very good, cheap, easy program.
If that is too much money, then make yourself a
self-educated man. The public library
is free, and, you have access to the internet. There
are many people and resources available to you, if it
is simply education or moral support that you need.
I, like many others, have had many heartaches, and
many failures, I have cried a million tears, and so
to maybe you will too.
Use these as motivation!
Keep moving forward. What seems menial or crushing
today, may be that which sustains you in order to
move forward at a later time.
Life is a journey.
Feel free to private email me if you need to.
