I am now on 150mgs of Effexor a day. The meds are helping a ton, but I just dont know. I have changed alot in the last few weeks and feel more free than ever, and I really dont care about anything other than what makes me feel happy. This is good but could also be bad. I go back and read some of the posts Ive made recently and am kind of embarassed a bit. This is so unlike how I used to be. Again, that is good, but could be bad. I am very sorry if Ive made an ass out of myself, and may be doing so again right now, but I just need to get this off my chest so to speak.
Heres the story, and alot of you will think Im crazy. Basically, (first off I really am not a good speller drunk or not haha) all of my life Ive been a very clean living person. No drinking, smoking, drugs....anything. I just never needed them and stayed clear of it, simply because I never had the desire to use any of that stuff. Without getting to much into religion, I have always belived it was wrong. Well, now after being depressed for so long and taking a beating so to speak, for what I always stood for and against, only to see others I looked up to, say one thing, then do another, I just have had enough of caring or trying when it comes to anything. I still belive the way I always have, its just now, I honestly dont care anymore. If the people that were supposed to be like me were not, ...then why should I try. I guess you could say, Im loosing my religion. I question everything now. I am not the same as I used to be. No one is perfect, Ive done some pretty bad things in my life, but I always tried to live right, not only to be a respectful person, but to also not bring shame upon myself or my church. My depression stems from alot of different things mind you. First I found out when I was 15 that my dad wasnt my real dad. Whats weird was that I always suspected this, even as far back as 7 years old. I remember looking through my moms dresser drawers for my birth certificate to see who was listed on it as my dad. The was always clues here and there and everyone but me could see it. I always question in my mind why my dad was 6'5", but yet I was topped out at 5' at age 15. I started noticing I didnt look anything like him. So one day as I was pouing a glass of milk I asked mom for the 100th time in my life, when am I going to start to grow and not be the shortest kid in class. When did dad start to grow? This time however she just looked at me, and tears came to her eyes. I knew before she said anything, what was comming next. She told me that my dad Ive knew all my life wasnt my real dad. I lost it. I cried all day for almost a week. She told me how my real dad (whom she dated) got her pregnant and stayed with her until I was a month old. Then one day she told him I needed some baby formula and I was getting sick. He then said he didnt claim me, that I wasnt his. After comming to terms with that after a few weeks, I accepted how things were. Everything was fine for a while. After i got married, I started noticing that my mom, and dad seemed to have an excuse to not come and see us more often than not. Through the years, that has happened so often since 2001, me and the wife have stopped inviting them over, because we just look like fools even asking. Not only that, but over the years, people I thought were my friends have turned out to just be using us. I have no friends at all that I would call close. I have some aquaintences, but thats it. Its got so bad I dont even try to be friends with anyone anymore, as I always get used, so why bother. I am more friends with you guys than with people Ive actually met. I just give up! Fuck everything Ive always stood for or was. Fuck all of those people. I just feel that no one, even my own dad doesnt care about me. Ive always treated people right and fair too, so Ive not been an asshole to anyone, ever. But yet I have no one. I am so alone, its painful. I do want to tell GoldMember thank you for being concerned in another post. Thats a rare thing for me to hear. Sorry for the big rant, I just needed to get it out.
Heres the story, and alot of you will think Im crazy. Basically, (first off I really am not a good speller drunk or not haha) all of my life Ive been a very clean living person. No drinking, smoking, drugs....anything. I just never needed them and stayed clear of it, simply because I never had the desire to use any of that stuff. Without getting to much into religion, I have always belived it was wrong. Well, now after being depressed for so long and taking a beating so to speak, for what I always stood for and against, only to see others I looked up to, say one thing, then do another, I just have had enough of caring or trying when it comes to anything. I still belive the way I always have, its just now, I honestly dont care anymore. If the people that were supposed to be like me were not, ...then why should I try. I guess you could say, Im loosing my religion. I question everything now. I am not the same as I used to be. No one is perfect, Ive done some pretty bad things in my life, but I always tried to live right, not only to be a respectful person, but to also not bring shame upon myself or my church. My depression stems from alot of different things mind you. First I found out when I was 15 that my dad wasnt my real dad. Whats weird was that I always suspected this, even as far back as 7 years old. I remember looking through my moms dresser drawers for my birth certificate to see who was listed on it as my dad. The was always clues here and there and everyone but me could see it. I always question in my mind why my dad was 6'5", but yet I was topped out at 5' at age 15. I started noticing I didnt look anything like him. So one day as I was pouing a glass of milk I asked mom for the 100th time in my life, when am I going to start to grow and not be the shortest kid in class. When did dad start to grow? This time however she just looked at me, and tears came to her eyes. I knew before she said anything, what was comming next. She told me that my dad Ive knew all my life wasnt my real dad. I lost it. I cried all day for almost a week. She told me how my real dad (whom she dated) got her pregnant and stayed with her until I was a month old. Then one day she told him I needed some baby formula and I was getting sick. He then said he didnt claim me, that I wasnt his. After comming to terms with that after a few weeks, I accepted how things were. Everything was fine for a while. After i got married, I started noticing that my mom, and dad seemed to have an excuse to not come and see us more often than not. Through the years, that has happened so often since 2001, me and the wife have stopped inviting them over, because we just look like fools even asking. Not only that, but over the years, people I thought were my friends have turned out to just be using us. I have no friends at all that I would call close. I have some aquaintences, but thats it. Its got so bad I dont even try to be friends with anyone anymore, as I always get used, so why bother. I am more friends with you guys than with people Ive actually met. I just give up! Fuck everything Ive always stood for or was. Fuck all of those people. I just feel that no one, even my own dad doesnt care about me. Ive always treated people right and fair too, so Ive not been an asshole to anyone, ever. But yet I have no one. I am so alone, its painful. I do want to tell GoldMember thank you for being concerned in another post. Thats a rare thing for me to hear. Sorry for the big rant, I just needed to get it out.
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