Where my mind is

As many of you know Jen and I are no longer together. It has been a very difficult time for me, the past 6 weeks, as I feel as though I lost a very big piece of myself. I know I said I would have an explanation but I guess what has surfaced is more of a self exploration. It would have been an easier route for me to hate Jen and blame this whole mess on her but my guilt would not allow this. I needed to look, honestly and without pride, at myself. I can tell you that I did not like what I saw. I was and am a blessed person but for a long time I was no able to see this. Today I have regret and in my life by the time regret shows it's face it is too late to show my appreciations for the blessings I have lost.

I realized many things about myself over this time alone. I now see I am a controlling, jealous person. This would be an easy thing to point out in me but in a much deeper sense I see that this stems from my insecurities. Insecurities can take on many different faces and in my case this is an understatement. My emotional insecurities can from how I was so intimidated by Jen. She was experienced, streetwise, self sufficient and had a intense life before me. Whenever she would talk about things from her past the jealousy and insecurities would run wild in my head and instead of admitting my envy and fear I would play it off like I was better than and discount her past. When I should have been celebrating her I discouraged her out of insecurities. It's funny how every situation that this happened now rears itself with so much meaning. My world has been filled with "what if's" and "I wish I"....words of a desperate man.

I love Jen so much and today I only wish I had the opportunity to ask for her forgiveness and make amends. I have not heard from her since she left so holding these emotions in has been my undoing. It is all so difficult to understand. How can half of my life be gone and hurt so bad while the other half goes voiceless?

DLD, I hate it that you are hurting. Time helps. I've done so many things I would like to do over, but you can't.( I'm divorced ) Don't beat yourself up. Self discovery never ends.

Brother,
True love is extremely hard to find. If you believe you and her truly love each other then I recommend that you go on your knees and bare your sole to her. She may not respond positively but you should do this for you. Cleanse your sole. Admit your faults and let her know that you will now be able to improve yourself. Then, if all else fails, get on your knees and beg her forgiveness. This is not about ego or pride. It is about love and how rare true love really is.

It is really sad to see you hurting, man. I wish there was a way to instanstaneusly relieve you, but there is none. You will have to go through this, but realize that your pain will stop in the near future, as difficult as that sounds now.

I would write a big letter to her and elaborate on the thoughts you wrote above. If you are completely honest, she will see that. It will also make you feel a little better, becouse you will have nothing to hide anymore, insecurities or other things. Maybe she will see that you can change a little, that you can improve on yourself... this is so important, we all should always try to improve on ourselves. We Penis Enlargement becouse we want to improve on our sexuality, while you lead us here. But to improve on oneself as a whole one must look inside and see what you don´t like, like you seem to be doing now.

If you can reach her, maybe she will understand this. If not, you can still become a better man for the next girl. I know you have overcome many problems, from the old Penis Enlargement forums days. I have seen you and you should be proud of this, but this is a neverending road, becouse there is no perfect man.

I will not say you should forget about her. Give it a fight, and be done with it. You don´t have to win. You should not fight becouse you can win, but becouse this needs fighting. Whatever happens, you will grow with this. If it is for her, all the better.

I wish you the best.

originally posted by Dld:

I realized many things about myself over this time alone. I now see I am a controlling, jealous person. This would be an easy thing to point out in me but in a much deeper sense I see that this stems from my insecurities

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I feel for ya Dld, hang in there buddy. As for you being jealous, I'm guilty of that as well, so are most other guys. But jealousy is just another form of selfishness. A selfish person is afraid that their partner might get more pleasure with someone else and abandon him, which then he will loose the pleasure he is used to recieving, because what is most important for the slfish person is his pleasure.

The person who truly loves, hopes that his partner might meet someone who will give his partner even more pleasure, since the most important thing for her is her happiness.

The selfish person watches over his partner so that she won't meet someone else who could give her more pleasure, as the one who truly loves tries to facilitate his partner's contacts with other people who correspond to her tastes.

I am with Dash DLD. Love is a rare thing and you guys have been together for a while. It is not humiliation to go to her and go down on a knee. It shows your love for her and it puts the love into action for her to see. Tell her what you have told us. Women are a strange breed. They do not think like we do. On a certain level I do not think we will ever really be able to fully understand what makes them think the way they think. But, I think it is important for us to learn what is important to them and I think one of these things that is important to them is showing our love for them through "acts" of love. It often seems to mean more if we express our love in a way that seems to come through the "man wall" we normally have around our emotions, like getting down on a knee, even in public. This shows that we care more about what they think of us than what others think of us. It is shedding the macho-ness for the sake of showing our love for the one that we love.

If you feel you have hurt her through your actions, tell her how terrible you now think that it must have felt when you said or did the things you said or did. Make the emotional "connection" with the part of her that prompted her to feel that she had to seperate herself from you. It is not natural for most women to want to leave a man she has been with for some time, and if Jen fits this mold then a large part of her probably did not want to leave and she may have been second-guessing leaving you. If you go to her, you may find that a drastic "act of love" that might feel humiliating might cut through the hurt, straight to that part of her that still loves you and will draw upon that emotion within her that wishes things were still good between the two of you.

If you love her, be a hopeless romantic dude. Go to her and show her how much you love her. You might find that she won't be able to resist it DLD. Women are still the same creatures emotionally that they were years ago when our fathers and their fathers had to do this same thing. We can't understand them but we do need to know when we need to "actively" love them through "acts of love", which often takes ignoring the man side that says 'but all the guys will see and laugh'. They won't by the way, anyone present would know that you just showed your love for the woman you love.

Just my two cents DLD...

I hope the best for you. Let us know how it goes.

-Poke

Whoah I didn't know this. Sorry to hear man. Figured something was up since you weren't posting as much. Wish you the best. Keep that head up.

DLD, I gotta ask but are you up to running the site and forums at this time?

Well, DLD dont feel your the only one that has acted that way. At one time or another we all have done just that. The only thing that can help is identify it as its happening and stop or reverse it. It is very tough I know all too well. I think writing a letter to her is a good thing. Even if she never reads it. It will do you some good.

DLD,

I very seldom post but like to read what's going on in the Penis Enlargement field on all the boards from time to time and was surprised to learn what's going on.

I feel your pain....

What' your next move? You just can't sit there. Do something.

Falcon