- Joined
- Jun 3, 2003
- Messages
- 124,872
As many of you know Jen and I are no longer together. It has been a very difficult time for me, the past 6 weeks, as I feel as though I lost a very big piece of myself. I know I said I would have an explanation but I guess what has surfaced is more of a self exploration. It would have been an easier route for me to hate Jen and blame this whole mess on her but my guilt would not allow this. I needed to look, honestly and without pride, at myself. I can tell you that I did not like what I saw. I was and am a blessed person but for a long time I was no able to see this. Today I have regret and in my life by the time regret shows it's face it is too late to show my appreciations for the blessings I have lost.
I realized many things about myself over this time alone. I now see I am a controlling, jealous person. This would be an easy thing to point out in me but in a much deeper sense I see that this stems from my insecurities. Insecurities can take on many different faces and in my case this is an understatement. My emotional insecurities can from how I was so intimidated by Jen. She was experienced, streetwise, self sufficient and had a intense life before me. Whenever she would talk about things from her past the jealousy and insecurities would run wild in my head and instead of admitting my envy and fear I would play it off like I was better than and discount her past. When I should have been celebrating her I discouraged her out of insecurities. It's funny how every situation that this happened now rears itself with so much meaning. My world has been filled with "what if's" and "I wish I"....words of a desperate man.
I love Jen so much and today I only wish I had the opportunity to ask for her forgiveness and make amends. I have not heard from her since she left so holding these emotions in has been my undoing. It is all so difficult to understand. How can half of my life be gone and hurt so bad while the other half goes voiceless?
I realized many things about myself over this time alone. I now see I am a controlling, jealous person. This would be an easy thing to point out in me but in a much deeper sense I see that this stems from my insecurities. Insecurities can take on many different faces and in my case this is an understatement. My emotional insecurities can from how I was so intimidated by Jen. She was experienced, streetwise, self sufficient and had a intense life before me. Whenever she would talk about things from her past the jealousy and insecurities would run wild in my head and instead of admitting my envy and fear I would play it off like I was better than and discount her past. When I should have been celebrating her I discouraged her out of insecurities. It's funny how every situation that this happened now rears itself with so much meaning. My world has been filled with "what if's" and "I wish I"....words of a desperate man.
I love Jen so much and today I only wish I had the opportunity to ask for her forgiveness and make amends. I have not heard from her since she left so holding these emotions in has been my undoing. It is all so difficult to understand. How can half of my life be gone and hurt so bad while the other half goes voiceless?