Fuck ya! Thanks for starting this Red. I want to say I gave up a lot when I became Celibate. I have never been through such a hard time in my life. For the first time it is looking like it is actually going to pay off for the best. I didn't know it at the time, and I don't want to go too much into details now, but I have a case going with a lawyer for somewhat of a large sum of money and yesterday they called and wanted to know some information that if I wasn't going to get the money there was no reason for them to want to know what it is they were asking; so it is a very good sign. Anyways it wont be the only thing that would have made it worth deciding to stick with remaining celibate, my story is a little more difficult because my situation is probably extremely different than anyone you will ever read here on
MOS.
In 2007 I came out to my family I did not feel like I was appropriately fitting as a boy. A term used by doctors is called gender dysphoria which I have come to find out is somewhat of a put down when actually it is widely accepted as being called transgender or transsexual. There is a lot of controversy on this but it is not the point of the matter. When I finally came to terms with this to myself and to a place where I could admit it to any other person other than myself I was no sooner cast out of my families house with nowhere to go. This brought me to a housing facility in Los Angeles at the age of 22. I met lots of people like me who were on the street for different reasons. It wasn't so bad, it was one of the best transitional living facilities in Los Angeles and I was always treated fairly and well. The problem was I had such low self-esteem about myself I felt like I was not worthy of love. I never talk about this because this website is dominantly supportive of sex with women and even though I have had sex with a fair share of women and even have a very large percentage of female admirers who have always pursued me even currently, something about being a female does not make me feel attracted towards other women, even though I do find lesbian �naked people movies� very erotic. For the sake of the story I will admit to having a desire to be with a man. I have never had a boyfriend, my whole life I have felt this way, but I have never met a person who was a match and we were to make a commitment.
While in Los Angeles lots of the kids there were either on the streets for most of their lives or not making any plans to get out soon. They would do a lot of sex work which is prostituting. Even though I never actually was a prostitute the way I learned how to be a girl was how a cheap slut would look. I even had such low self-esteem anyone could pick me up, I had no respect for myself I felt like who I was and what I had become was damnation and so I did not deserve to live with confidence or satisfaction. I have never had an STD thank God, but I would allow myself to be used by whoever I was with if they were saying the right things and promising everything I wanted. At times I had fun and going to new houses or getting new things for nothing but sex was fun and exciting. Years later when I would realize it was for what it was destroyed me. I cried night after night and hated my family so strongly I use to have a heart full of hatred about it. While I was out there some bad things happened to me. I was never technically raped but there were times I would tell someone to stop and they wouldn't and technically that is rape although I would consider myself lucky it was only what it was and it happened several times from girls as well. I had also been robbed, harassed by police, and chased by muggers.
All of this happen in a short period of time. Even though I had felt like I wanted to be female my whole life, ever since I can remember, I never wanted a pussy, and I never cared about the size of my penis, after I went through all of this I had a horrible complexion about my body, for the first time I hated my penis, and I had no idea what was the next step. I had lost all of my friends I had ever had who labeled me such a freak I was no longer good enough to hang out with, and my family would treat me like trash, and even today my brother and his friends have never let me just be a person who is invited around. Although I want to add some of my brothers friends have been very compassionate and loving towards me, this was a few years after we have gotten on better terms through lots of sadness and explanation, this is years after I have already had gone through so much. Now 2010 I had been wandering this way for a while. I had recently found a new job at a women's retail store. I had sworn off anything except sex with women, shaved my head, begged my mom for mercy, and begin trying to live a "normal" existence, my mom let me come back home for some rest.
During this time it was made very clear to me if I were to ever try and not be a boy again I would be thrown out without hesitation. This drove me insane! I would sneak out at night and dress up, I would only be able to do this if I was dressing like a slut, and behaving as such, I was miserable and had no choice but to give it up. I tried throwing out all of my clothes and told my family of doing it who I thought would be proud but cared nothing less for my effort. It was during this time that I found
MOS. Its funny to think about it now because at the time of joining I had no idea it would have become what it did to me. At the time I had very little contempt for life. I talked about sex with girls but I remember very well how it was other transsexuals I slept with otherwise I did not bring it up and I did really want to make the pussy wet. I did not want to be looked at how everyone else looked at me. Even now as I feel this place is like a home and you are my friends I choose my words VERY carefully because whether it is admitted or not its just not something people are able to feel comfortable unless they make a bold statement that they are "not that way". I have learned a lot at
MOS, I can write anywhere no matter what I'm writing about like a professional, the way I talk is so much clearer and intelligent people think I am rich and have a very educated background, in some ways this is true. I have increased the size of my penis and that has always shocked me because it is so widely disregarded in our world, the fact I did it for free and it was so easy and fun has changed my personality from quiet and shy to comical and excitement. Not only did I make my penis bigger but all the while I did it I made my body in the best shape it has ever been in my life and I met the hardcore guys at
MOS. You guys are like nights in shinning armor, Stillwantmore2, MAXAMEYES, REDZULU2003, and the Mustafa DLD. What does this all have to do with celibacy??
Ok so at the end of 2010 I had had enough. All year I had been trying to figure out wtf I was going to do about myself. Originally I had been planning to go to massage therapy school, make my body in really nice shape, make my dick large as possible, and basically just try and find someone famous to become like their personal playmate because I knew I had the face for it. Well I couldn't hide my screaming anguish inside to not be a boy. The last time I had had sex was some time in early summer 2010, but at the very end of October my brother had literally smashed my face in which is when I wrote a thread about hitting him with the
PowerAssist which I did, but the truth is if my moms roommate had not pulled him off of me he would have beat me to a bloody pulp. He lifts heavy weights, he is over 300lbs, 2" taller than me, and he just has a huge hatred towards me for no other reason than I am a trans girl. Anyways I did get a couple licks on him but it was nothing like how he got on me. When this happen right after my mom told me I had to move out! After he had attacked me and literally kicked my ass he got on the phone and told her he didn't know what my problem was and that I just attacked him out of nowhere. So I was crying really hard and I was going on a walk in the neighborhood and I was sitting outside of somebody's house. This person came outside and asked me if I was alright and to keep a long story short sort of speak I was invited in and I had oral sex. That was the last time I had any kind of sex in 2010.
This is when I decided why the fuck was I living my life for anybody else. My family was treating me like shit anyways, I had made very little progress in becoming a massage therapist, I hated putting on a fake smile everyday like I was just like everybody else and how guys are suppose to be macho, feminine guys are weak, girls get to have all the fun and never have to feel guilty about liking a guy, they get to smell good and look nice and guys are rough, messy, and play in the dirt. So I said fuck it, all of you, I'm going to do what I'm going to do and if people don't like, not my problem anymore. Of course I was a lot nicer about it because otherwise it could have very much been my problem and to my surprise became a HUGE problem in my life when I thought I had everything planned out perfectly.
Well at the time I decided to be a girl again I had been talking with a guy I met on a website where I had been making connections with people who like girls like me with a penis, and they wanted to basically buy me, and I would not have anything to worry about because just like all these perfect tgirls you see in the �naked people movies�'s I would have all the money to become that which means today, right now as I am writing this, I would have flawless skin, and a flat stomach, and huge tits, and pouty lips, all the best clothes, jewelry, make up, money, etc, etc, etc, etc, and the catch was sex, which I was totally and completely fine with. I mean I wanted sex, realllly bad, part of finally coming to terms with that I was going to become a girl exactly how I had always dreamed was that I was FINALLY going to have all the sex I ever wanted and I never thought I would have ever chosen to make any other choice. So I had spent months and months and months talking to different people, and experimenting with ideas of what I may have liked or not liked. One thing I found I was very attracted to was bondage and I had been very careful in selecting someone who would match with me. So I thought I had found him and he was obsessed with me! Even today, right now as I am writing he has probably new emails he has sent me because he wants me to come live with him right now. Originally I had planned to do �naked people movies�. I thought that would have been so fuckin' amazing! Plus I saw Red saying he wanted to start a �naked people movies� label and even act in it with DLD and that is exactly what I wanted to do so I thought that was the direction I was going next. It was perfect, it was what I always wanted, I had already made the promise, committed, and had a date set to leave, and then of course I fell in love. Aww
I don't know if that was stupid. I don't know if it was a huge waste of time and I never was able to stop crying about it every night until recently. I began to accept it was just something that may have become a beautiful friendship and even though I have to force tears not to drop, I never stopped having as much love for this person as I had the first day it happen. So instead of going and living in a beautiful home, and getting all the money I would need to get everything I wanted, and all the things I thought about night after night after night when my mom gave me no choice one day in January to be a �naked people movies� star or live on the street, something in my blood just kept telling me to hold on for love. It has been hell, I never let a single person have me since then, and it has not been an easy decision. I am a very attractive person and sex is such a confidence booster for someone like me. When people say mean words to me, laugh, or treat me bad, sex was always there to comfort me and I would think even though I have experiences of bastards in real life there are times when I get to run away and hide and have lots and lots of fun these people never know about. Plus with sex I would literally never had have to deal with these bastards again EVER! Not only did I have to say no to sex, but I had to dress different than I ever knew how, I had to do it without anything else except believing; knowing one day if I was right nothing was going to make me give up. I had to live in a scary neighborhood and around people who were negative, evil, destructive, and violent. What I would have been disappointed with was the absolute heartbreak I would have felt when I knew the first lips that were on my lips were not the person that I wanted them to be with. Anything after that would not have been what I wanted, I would have hated the house, the money, the clothes, the lifestyle, I would have just hated myself when I knew I had given up on waiting for what I had wanted since I was very very young which is my first boyfriend.
So I still have never had my first boyfriend, and I have not had sex in almost a year although it has only been since early November I have been celibate. I have made it this far and it was hell, it really was, the hell it was was like no other hell you could understand unless God was trying to teach you a lesson. Even though I still dream about the person I fell in love with I have done my best, at least I have begun to try and see another perspective although it is not easy to accept this person is not interested and I went through all of this for someone else. Because whether I get the money from the case or not I still have until September to live where I am and I just found out about a really awesome job I was told I already have so I'm waiting to get more details now today. I struggle with not having sex when I don't think there is someone out there for me and it hurt so bad I don't want to believe in love anymore at times. I am not completely opposed to dating women either but right now at this moment my heart still belongs to the man I fell in love with whether I like it or not. I would also still be open to doing �naked people movies� one day but at this time it is not likely. I had to go through so much I feel strongly emotionally changed by it all. Even though I think sometimes if you guys end up doing �naked people movies� why the fuck did I not do it?! Then I'm going to kill myself or something. Seriously I never wanted anything more in my life that I would become celibate at such a drastic time in my life. It feels like I am never going to have sex again and I think about becoming some kind of spiritual guide who commits to a life without sexual gratification forever because the attitudes of people who are promiscuous are so disgusting to me I would hate to ever be apart of that lifestyle. But I don't know what it is that I am supposed to do because I can't think of having sex with anyone literally a single person and if I think about him with someone my heart sinks 1,000 feet and I don't wish for anything except death.
I think when you go through a traumatic experience like I did and change your body so significantly like I did you become attached to somebody in a way that is more like loyalty of a trusted companion whether it be family relation or animal instinct nothing shifts my desire to change it, not even the person himself threatening to cut me out of his life, and even saying that scares me that I am doing something wrong. Whatever the reason is it brought me to where I am today and if it were to even end as God only allowing me to be trapped in a celibate life forever if only being close friends was all I it was available to me I feel like in some way it is worth every last tear I've cried.
