Jun 3, 2003
What a difference a day makes!

Yesterday I felt as if it was one of the lowest days in my life. I felt so low i didn't think i could even reach up high enough to reach the bottom. Hopefully no one else has ever been that low and won't have a clue what i'm talking about.

My whole pe journey has been a struggle. In the last 4 months alone I cut a huge gash in the palm of my left hand leaving it useless for some time. Been having mini-strokes for a couple years from stress. Dr.s telling me its impossible for me to live if I can't get the blood pressure under control. Then this month i got the index finger of the right hand caught in a belt sander and sanded it to the bone . Routines have been very difficult and at times impossible. For the last couple of weeks have been having horrible pain in the srcotum area. Tests were ran and got a preliminary report that i needed to see a surgeon, but no cancer which was suspected.

Yesterday i felt like giving up pe after all that has happened. I really got depressed and let it get the best of me for a while.
Thank God for the boys at mos. I decided to send a pm to several that i chat with on a regular basis. The support was awsome to say the least. I asked one of them to kick my ass and help me get a grip. Boy did I ever get what i asked for. I didn't want sympathy or pity still don't.

I got up this am feeling so much better and refreshed. I've been beaming all day at work. Every few minutes someone would stop me and ask...What are you doing ...You look so different....Hey your facial features are changing.... You look like the man in the marlboro commercial.... How much weight have you lost... Please tell me what you're on so my husband and myself can do it. The comments just kept coming all day even from a couple of old prudes that are always hateful and grumpy.

Yesterday i couldn't reach the bottom, today i'm almost afraid i'll fall off the top of the world i feel so high.

The problems are still here but I'll overcome them. One bro told me yester day "Tough times don't last ... Tough people do".. Guys i appreciate you ALL so much.

I still have to go to see the surgeon on Friday am so i might be out for a while. Just in case this is my last post for a while let me tell you... It makes NO difference what your going thru. Makes no difference how insecure you are... Makes no difference how dark your world is... Its not gonna be that way forever.. Just as sure as the darkness came... I guarantee you the sun will shine again in the morning...

THIS TOO SHALL PASS! To quote a gosple song lyric.."It didn't come to stay it came to pass".

You guys are awsome ... All of you! Hang in there ..
Confident Guy
Well I wasnt one of them, I dont think I have spoken to you before? Dunno if you even heard of me either?
but I'd like to wish you well on the journey with peIf you need any advise I am here, message me if you want.

Best wishes.
Thanks Red. I wasn't just thanking the guys who helped me yesterday. ALL the guys at MOS are awsome. Yes I've heard of you and you are an inspiration to me as well. Keep it up bro.
C, Remember the miracle comes to those that survive....you are a surviver!
Don't think i've mentioned it before but i'm an artist. I love to ride and look at how colors play against each other...How a certain cloud contrasts againt a forest or an ocean. I mentally photograph that image and transfer it to canvas later.

I love to paint a picture thats a little different from other paintings you normally see. I like to do old roads leading into infinity. Just before the road disappears i like to add a slight hill or curve to make people have to stop and wonder whats over the hill or around the curve. If I go ahead and place an object be it an old shed or something else then to me its boring... its too finished.

Sometimes i get frustrated with a painting (just like i do in life). When this happens i either toss it in the yard or have taken a knife and cut it to pieces. Just being honest! Many times i get stuck on a painting and rather than toss it i put it in a frame and place it where i have to see it everyday. Sometimes it takes months but eventually its like a red light flashes in a certain spot and almost like the painting screams at me ...Heres the problem damit now fix me. Sometimes its only a couple of brushstrokes to change something unacceptable to a work of art. A masterpiece.

I realized today that pe is just like that. (1) A foundation has to be laid. You have to start somewhere. (2) Colors have to be mixed and experimented with. Same with pe. Many exercises don't work for me because of physical problems injuries or whatever. If one doesn't work do something else. Just do something. (3) It takes time to create a masterpiece. Some paintings i can finish in an hour maybe less and be satisfied. Others takes months. Some even longer. There are no shortcuts you have to complete the process one brush stroke at a time.

Guys I realized today that i'm creating a masterpiece my most treasured body part one stretch...one jelq...one hang session at a time. Its no where near finished yet but its gonna be awsome.
I have spent my life trying to attain perfection. As we all know perfection is very difficult if not impossible to attain. As a person who suffers with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder it is very difficult for me to understand that perfection is almost impossible. So many times in my life I have destroyed something I love because it lacks perfection. There has been the occasion that I have thrown something away out of this same frustration only to have it resurface later in my life. When it does I am usually able to see the perfection of in-perfection:)

Don't throw out the baby with the bathwater.
I fully understand and agree D. I have a mild case of OCD as well.But this masterpiece I refuse to throw away or sit it up and look at it for months. Gonna take it one stretch at a time. Don't know whats around the next corner or over the next hill but it can't be worse than where i've already come from. CGuy
I posted in my journal today and want to add the info to this thread as well.
This week has been an emotional rollercoaster. Been having horrid pain in the left testicle for a few weeks making pe almost unbearable. When I saw the dr. he examined the area and ordered an ultrasound (X_Ray). First i was told it was not cancer,but rather a varicocele (a varicose vein).. Then more tests came back and said still a posibility of cancereous mass as the bottom of testicle could not be defined by the xray. Finally after a week of hell i saw the urologist/surgeon today. No cancer was found. However there is an engorged (several actually) vein in the hurt area.
The dr. suggested that i switch to very supportive briefs or a jockstrap instead of boxers for at least a month. After a month if the pain and the swelling don't go away then he will do surgery and tie off the veins that are engorged.

The problem was caused by sevaral things. (1) Working 16-20 hours a day with not enough time off of my feet causing the blood to pool in the area. (2) I strained way too hard doing the reverse kegals putting too much pressure on the area.

Take a fools advice and use some common sense and you will avoid this problem.

Now back to working on my masterpiece...........
C guy i have to say i don't really know you, but Ive never met a stronger guy. Good luck, punky
Thanks punky. I don't know where you get that I am strong, however thats the nicest thing anyone has said to me today. Thanks bro. I Will Survive!
Still having people stop me and ask... What are you doing? What ever it is its showing up in your face. You look different. I want to tell them that shyguy died and Confident-Guy replaced him but that would lead to more questions than i am ready to answer right now.
I never knew that the small things could make such a change.
I strive to surround myself with the most positive people that i can find. If I find myself with "stinking thinking" I go get a pep talk from someone that understands where i've come from but more importantly where i wish to get to.

Thanks guys keep on inspiring me. You're all winners!Confident-Guy
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