What is wrong with me?

J

Juggers

0
Ok...It has taken me much consideration to even attempt to even THINK about posting how I feel...especially on a Penis Enlargement forum with complete strangers. However, over the short time that I have been here, I have found that there are many well educated and wise people here. I KNOW that I will get some sort of help here...on any level. So before I see this psychologist my mom hooked me up with, I want some answers or suggestions by all of you.

That being said, please read this. I don't know how long it will be because it is being thought up as I type it.

I feel I have something wrong with me. By wrong I mean out of the norm of what I see as well as feel. I dread almost every day I get up. I dread what I must face when I step out of the door. I am so afraid of people and talking to them. I am afraid to think, because all I seem to think about lately is the easiest way to die (including suicide). Now, I know it's not good to constantly think about suicide and that's why I want to address this problem.

I feel that I really truly hate life. I can't stand people anymore. I am tired of being so kind to people. I am tired of people being so inconsiderate around me...when they know how I am and still do what they want even if it hurts me. I know it sounds like I am ranting on but I am just throwing out things right now in order to vent.

I think I suffer from extreme anxiety;

Anxiety
1. A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
2. A cause of anxiety: For some people, air travel is a real anxiety.
2. Psychiatry. A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.
3. Eager, often agitated desire: my anxiety to make a good impression.

Ok those definitions define exactly how I feel and think....

Here is another definition that I found:

Anxiety is a multisystem response to a perceived threat or danger. It reflects a combination of biochemical changes in the body, the patient's personal history and memory, and the social situation. As far as we know, anxiety is a uniquely human experience. Other animals clearly know fear, but human anxiety involves an ability, to use memory and imagination to move backward and forward in time, that animals do not appear to have. The anxiety that occurs in post-traumatic syndromes indicates that human memory is a much more complicated mental function than animal memory. Moreover, a large portion of human anxiety is produced by anticipation of future events. Without a sense of personal continuity over time, people would not have the "raw materials" of anxiety.

The way I feel has affected my life in every way possible. It has made me very anti-social, lazy, un-motivated to the tenth degree ect.

I thought that by joining the military would help me in many ways and it has...but not in the way that I hoped it would. Not with this feeling of anxiety. If anything joining has made it worse because I have a whole new plethora of things to plan out in my mind and fantasize about. Religion has done the same thing. I most cases, I feel that only God can help me with this one. However, I hope that there is someone here that can help me.

I feel like everything is pointless for some reason. I mean, I know everything has purpose to some degree. But I still FEEL it is pointless. My vision seems very clouded by who knows (feels like tunnel vision).

There is so much more but it is really difficult to explain...I will add more later on in the discussion. Please I know this seems like I just spat out sentence fragments of feelings and rants but its generally how I feel so you get the point. Please help me my friends.

Perhaps I did not give enough info for some good feedback...Just do the best you can for now because I tried.
 
Sound like you are chemically unbalanced, brain wise anyway, probably most of us go through something like this at some point in are life. get Help! MD or phsyo doc;) I have went though some of these symptoms and others most of my life.
 
I know exactly how you feel and what you mean. Ive been that way for about 8 years now and have found very little if any releif. Ive got to the point I would rather not deal with any human again just so things would be simpler. Dont know what to tell you. Good luck.
 
Hell, stop worrying, everybodies is their own unique individual. Stop comparing yourself with everyone else and try to be happy just being you. Not everyone is a social extrovert. It's easy to be hard on yourself, you are always your own worst critict.

GET THE SUICIDE THOUGHTS OUT OF YOUR HEAD, NOW!!

I've had a few friends commit suicide and have thought of it myself during my life. Stop contemplating and fantasizing about it. It is a downward spiral.

Get outside and look around at the world, enjoy the beauty of life and appreciate being here. We all have our crosses to bear, you are not alone.
 
It sounds like you have a chemical imbalance, my good pal. Are you taking anti-depressants? They DO work, you know, if you get the right one. It takes a while for them to kick in, (two to three months), but they eventually lift long-term depression.

You usually need a psychiatrist to prescribe them, to monitor them, and to find the right one for you.

Depression is a terrible thing. I suffered from it for a long time. I felt like I was drowning. It's an awful feeling.
 
Hey juggers mate...

You have a freind over here. That is one more friend in your life and one less enemy.
Life is absolutely beautifull and there is a vast amount of "stuff" to motivate you through life. The very day you fear facing each morning is a damn miracle, the Sun is still up there even when there are clouds. Know what i mean ?? Make goals for yourself and go strong at trying to reach them and then... set some more goals.

Become the best you can be in a specific area of knowledge and then you can help others. That alone is motivation enough for you to keep on improoving yourself, hence, your self-esteem.

Anytime you feel down just PM me and we can chat a bit to get your spirits up again.

Peace

Mike
 
Thanks for the feedback guys...it is helping actually. Please keep it comming thanks.

Btw I am on anti-stress pills...not exactly a prescription medication but I think they are helping.
 
That's great news buddy... Remember, we are watching your back mate, count on us...

Peace

Mike
 
Stress and its associated anxiety will lead to depression. The less stress filled and anxiety filled your life is, the less likely it will lead to depression.

Good luck, pal. You're in our thoughts and prayers.

Goin'
 
I totally understand you. What happen to you is that you have looked at alot of unlooked things by most people. You understand things at another, more realistic degree. Now you feel like you must put all your energie in the most common, simple things. What you need to do is to accept the "new you" and be yourself, whatever may be the "consequences" with people. I know it's hard, as simple as it seems to most human; it is like having an invisible hand pulling you back when you try to make a move forward. Dont denie what you are to please people, but make war to thoses little monsters that put you on that way without you wanting it. I know it's hard. Fuck i know it! But here's the good news; as hard as it can be, you CAN prevail, even without medication. WAR!
 
Another thing I wanted to say, to make it more clear.

Dont work on blinding yourself so you can feel good, but work on feeling good with what you are at this moment. I mean, if you saw some ugly shit in something, and suffer from your new "discoveries", just let it be, and learn to be happy with it. Got it? You can feel good with what you are, it is NOT necessary to fled it.
 
Breidablik said:
I totally understand you. What happen to you is that you have looked at alot of unlooked things by most people. You understand things at another, more realistic degree. Now you feel like you must put all your energie in the most common, simple things. What you need to do is to accept the "new you" and be yourself, whatever may be the "consequences" with people. I know it's hard, as simple as it seems to most human; it is like having an invisible hand pulling you back when you try to make a move forward. Dont denie what you are to please people, but make war to thoses little monsters that put you on that way without you wanting it. I know it's hard. Fuck i know it! But here's the good news; as hard as it can be, you CAN prevail, even without medication. WAR!

Another thing I wanted to say, to make it more clear.
Dont work on blinding yourself so you can feel good, but work on feeling good with what you are at this moment. I mean, if you saw some ugly shit in something, and suffer from your new "discoveries", just let it be, and learn to be happy with it. Got it? You can feel good with what you are, it is NOT necessary to fled it.
Click to expand...

Wow...I don't know how you could be so close but that is almost exactly what has happened in most aspects. Because I see these things...I have almost stopped myself from being assimilated in every way possible. I don't curse, drink, have sex, go to parties, make friends that are different than what I expect of myself, and never talk to girls because I think they are big whores. I think that people have ways of relieving stress and tension in ways that I never wanted to do....So I have been outside of my comfort zone for so long and could never vent. But should I just violate my morals and ethic code just to "feel good" and say "fuck it all"? Or am I stuck like this...in a struggle to be who I am even though the world is against me?

You are very accurate with your assumptions about me....please give me more because it's really amazing.

ps a few facts about me

1. I am 20 years old and my zodiac is Cancer (the horoscopes are pretty accurate too when it comes to my life idk why or how)
2. I am the youngest of 4 siblings, and have always been the shyest. I have learned from my siblings mistakes and tried to avoid what they did my whole life but it has caused me to be too "stiff" and miserable.
3. I believe in God and Christ who are the only ones that have held me together. I am not doing to well with my faith but I still believe.
4. I am slowly starting to curse and not care. I am ready to forfeit everything to become nothing. I am slowly starting to dread life.
 
Juggers said:
Wow...I don't know how you could be so close but that is almost exactly what has happened in most aspects. Because I see these things...I have almost stopped myself from being assimilated in every way possible. I don't curse, drink, have sex, go to parties, make friends that are different than what I expect of myself, and never talk to girls because I think they are big whores. I think that people have ways of relieving stress and tension in ways that I never wanted to do....So I have been outside of my comfort zone for so long and could never vent. But should I just violate my morals and ethic code just to "feel good" and say "fuck it all"? Or am I stuck like this...in a struggle to be who I am even though the world is against me?

You are very accurate with your assumptions about me....please give me more because it's really amazing.

ps a few facts about me

1. I am 20 years old and my zodiac is Cancer (the horoscopes are pretty accurate too when it comes to my life idk why or how)
2. I am the youngest of 4 siblings, and have always been the shyest. I have learned from my siblings mistakes and tried to avoid what they did my whole life but it has caused me to be too "stiff" and miserable.
3. I believe in God and Christ who are the only ones that have held me together. I am not doing to well with my faith but I still believe.
4. I am slowly starting to curse and not care. I am ready to forfeit everything to become nothing. I am slowly starting to dread life.
Click to expand...

Well, i've been there; that's how I know.

As for you question, no, you dont have to violate your morals and ethic code to feel good. In fact, if you do this, it will be "worse". As I told you, dont work on blinding yourself so you can "feel good", but work on feeling good with what you are. That is one obscure notion. "How can these suffering make me feel good?", you ask. By not seeing your "condition" as a "curse", a painful and horrible journey.

The Christian thing made me sad. The first thing you need to do is to say fuck off to Christianity. Do not curse! This is a major sickness. Bless even the most ugly things, tell yourself that they are a neccessity in life. And that is true. But that doesnt mean you have to participate in those "things", and that, since you dont participate in them, you have to curse them. I'm LMAO right now, as I know it's weird and uncommon. People are so use to "curse" what they hate, and "bless" what they like. But why not "bless" what they hate, and "curse" what they like?! But that's another story.

Ever wonder why some of the greatest artists and philosophers were so miserable? They never though of the possibillity that you can actually be "happy" even if you carry the most suffering things in yourself! One man has "changed" this; and that man is Nietzsche.

If you have to learn from someone, be it Nietzsche! Read Him. He will give you a great relief (not in the weak Christian fashion). And, if you are sort of a thinker yourself, you'll find your best friend in him.

I think that's enough for now. But if you want me to tell you my "story", i'll be glad to do it.
 
Juggers said:
Ok...It has taken me much consideration to even attempt to even THINK about posting how I feel...especially on a Penis Enlargement forum with complete strangers. However, over the short time that I have been here, I have found that there are many well educated and wise people here. I KNOW that I will get some sort of help here...on any level. So before I see this psychologist my mom hooked me up with, I want some answers or suggestions by all of you.

That being said, please read this. I don't know how long it will be because it is being thought up as I type it.

I feel I have something wrong with me. By wrong I mean out of the norm of what I see as well as feel. I dread almost every day I get up. I dread what I must face when I step out of the door. I am so afraid of people and talking to them. I am afraid to think, because all I seem to think about lately is the easiest way to die (including suicide). Now, I know it's not good to constantly think about suicide and that's why I want to address this problem.

I feel that I really truly hate life. I can't stand people anymore. I am tired of being so kind to people. I am tired of people being so inconsiderate around me...when they know how I am and still do what they want even if it hurts me. I know it sounds like I am ranting on but I am just throwing out things right now in order to vent.

I think I suffer from extreme anxiety;

Anxiety
1. A state of uneasiness and apprehension, as about future uncertainties.
2. A cause of anxiety: For some people, air travel is a real anxiety.
2. Psychiatry. A state of apprehension, uncertainty, and fear resulting from the anticipation of a realistic or fantasized threatening event or situation, often impairing physical and psychological functioning.
3. Eager, often agitated desire: my anxiety to make a good impression.

Ok those definitions define exactly how I feel and think....

Here is another definition that I found:

Anxiety is a multisystem response to a perceived threat or danger. It reflects a combination of biochemical changes in the body, the patient's personal history and memory, and the social situation. As far as we know, anxiety is a uniquely human experience. Other animals clearly know fear, but human anxiety involves an ability, to use memory and imagination to move backward and forward in time, that animals do not appear to have. The anxiety that occurs in post-traumatic syndromes indicates that human memory is a much more complicated mental function than animal memory. Moreover, a large portion of human anxiety is produced by anticipation of future events. Without a sense of personal continuity over time, people would not have the "raw materials" of anxiety.

The way I feel has affected my life in every way possible. It has made me very anti-social, lazy, un-motivated to the tenth degree ect.

I thought that by joining the military would help me in many ways and it has...but not in the way that I hoped it would. Not with this feeling of anxiety. If anything joining has made it worse because I have a whole new plethora of things to plan out in my mind and fantasize about. Religion has done the same thing. I most cases, I feel that only God can help me with this one. However, I hope that there is someone here that can help me.

I feel like everything is pointless for some reason. I mean, I know everything has purpose to some degree. But I still FEEL it is pointless. My vision seems very clouded by who knows (feels like tunnel vision).

There is so much more but it is really difficult to explain...I will add more later on in the discussion. Please I know this seems like I just spat out sentence fragments of feelings and rants but its generally how I feel so you get the point. Please help me my friends.

Perhaps I did not give enough info for some good feedback...Just do the best you can for now because I tried.
Click to expand...

Everything is pointless if you constantly have negativity in your life. Find something that you feel is meaningful to you. Then find other people who share the same thoughts and feelings about that very thing. Find common ground with other people. You say that you are sick and tired and can't stand people anymore. I was there for about 4 years and it got as bad as it can get. I finally took it upon myself to realize that only I can change my life. People are going to be shitty to you at times and let you down plenty throughout life, but you can't let that stop you from living. Live despite them if that's what it takes to keep on living. You are alive for a reason, but that reason is up to you. Whether you fulfill your life goals depends on you and all the people around you so things might not work out, but you have to try. Assert yourself in this world and find some determination within to get on with your life. There are people that die gruesomely and others don't even get but a single breath on this earth. Cherish life as much as you can. Someone always has it worse than you or better than you, but know that the moment you give up and give in that your current situation truly is as good as it ever got. Don't give up on yourself even if you've given up on everyone else.

Find a reason to live. Sometimes we find ourselves truly living without a purpose and often without understanding, but we trudge on because we know at some point nature will takes its course and we'll be gone anyway. No matter when someone dies it wasn't enough time in actuality, but some people are lucky enough to have found peace and acceptance of our ultimate fate. But really, if what it takes to keep moving is the "FUCK EM ALL!" attitude then for now take it and run with it while keeping in mind you do have family in your life that care enough about you to try to help you in your time of need. Take solace in that fact and keep living if for nothing else than you still have the ability to breathe. We all die, but to give up on life which is probably the only thing we are given for free, therefore making it the most precious element anywhere is to forget those who have lived and died to keep humanity going until we all can find that rarity of peace and acceptance. Don't throw your life away if you still have a choice to live. Sacrificing yourself on behalf of yourself is not doing anything for anyone. It's tough out there...you know it...we all know it...just live.
 
Juggers, I basically know how you feel buddy. I had some real lows in my life. I recently got to a very similar point of suicide, and ran into some trouble. But at the time, I had some good friends that recognized that there was a problem, one even called the cops on me cause I threatened to kill myself. I was checked into a hospital then. I was eventually diagnosed with depression, and given the drug Wellbutrin. That is a kick ass drug man! It works wonders.

Right now, I'm pretty much the loner, as I am singled out for my lack of God beleif, but I feel as good as ever. I know you don't wish to hear this, but without believing in a God, I feel like a big weight has been lifted off of my shoulder.

I had many of the similar symptoms you mentioned in your op. I feel constant anxiety, and am bad in social situations. I alot of times prefer to be by myself. I cannot trust anyone, except maybe my immediate family. I don't necessarily believe that these are bad things, it depends on how you look at it. Just make sure you go to a Doc and get some kick ass pills, man.:)
 
Juggers

Don't feel alone we all been there at one time or another at different levels.
You sound like you have a handle on the situation with some intelligence. So you are ahead of the game... you just need some guidance and support. Everyone is correct about how to handle this, by removing the negativity and change your way of thinking.

Myself I was in a state of depression for most of my life and didn't even know it. Finally went into to a state of Chronic Depression for 5 years when I lost everything, family, job, home ... boy was that hell. It was something I hated going through but one of the best things to ever happen to me.

I didn't take any kick-ass drugs, because I don't believe all medicine is a nessacity. I did do alot of reading and research and found what worked for me was to first change my way of thinking and remove all negativity from my life as possible. I kept a journal of my thoughts which helped to get things out of my head so I didn't have it banging around all day driving my crazy thinking about it. Eventually I force myself to find something postive for the day to write about it. and now I always tried to find the postive in all my situations. if you saw me back then (16years ago) and now you would think I wasn't the same person.

If you can create you own misery by thinking about things... you can create our own happiness the same way.
 
hey Juggers

this is more about me rather than advice, so if its not what you were after im sorry, mate.

hope you're still coping as well as you think you can/have to. my anxiety as a teen shifted quickly into depression and has stuck on my shoulder for many years... but, FUCK IT, thats who i am. i don't view myself as ill or malfunctioning if you were, these are just the cards ive been delt and i will act accordingly.

im not as withdrawn as you appear to be, but i have never connected with another human being in such a way as i know there's a connection there. of course this isn't the case, but its how i feel so for me at least its genuine.

as for the suicide fixation, i have this and have done for as long as i care to recall. i dream about it, fantasize about it, prey for it, etc etc, but again FUCK IT, its just my fuckin' internal dialogue and doesn't know shit, my quest for love keeps me goin', besides IM FAR TO STRONG TO BREAK.

p.s. joining the military could option 3 resolves:
1. you turn into a utter cunt and stay like that for the rest of your days.
2. it could indeed set you "straight" and quash whats in your head currently.
3. you'll put a bullet in your temple.
with your mindset im inclined to lean toward 1 & 3 as the outcome.

you must find something you love in life, be it a person, occupation, endeavour or otherwise... then you can begin to love yourself, albeit gradually. you've gota be in it for the slog.

this is the name of a metal band i like - A LOVE ENDS SUICIDE

i'll end now.

take care, friend. if you need to vent you know where your wanted and welcome.


keep pushing
 
Thanks for the reply Robert, and every one else...

As of lately I have tried to keep busy. I am glad to say that suicidal thoughts have not been so dominant in my life. I have been trying to put my priorities first, and create things that I can look forward to...not to be stuck in the dreadful moment with my mind.

I have been doing a lot better. Thanks everyone.
 
hey Juggers

for some unexplainable reason i remembered your thread... from the hundreds ive read... and this is the first its even crossed my mind... came from nothing.

anywho, how ya doin'?


keep pushing
 
Reber187 said:
hey Juggers

for some unexplainable reason i remembered your thread... from the hundreds ive read... and this is the first its even crossed my mind... came from nothing.

anywho, how ya doin'?


keep pushing
Click to expand...


I am actually doing a lot better now thanks...Everyone here has been of great help;)
 
My best advice would be to go seek the help of a professional if you're having suicidal thoughts and anti-social tendencys.

There is a song by bob marly I listen to it called "don't worry be happy "you could try and listen to it and follow the songs messege,Bobby mcferrin also did a remake of that song ,i think its good too.
 
I was too lazy to finish reading everybody's posts but the topic just seemed so relevant.

I have this same problem. Upon the discovery of Penis Enlargement, I realized that we can change just about any part of ourselves. That is, those of us who are on [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MoS[/words]. Therefore we have the power to shape ourselves and our minds to be just about anyone we want to be in life. But do we really want to? It seems like everybody is superficial and that it's a lot simpler to be just antisocial. Those who are antisocial and enjoy it have very calm, happy lives. But those who really want to get involved in life but are aware of how superficial it can be, we're in for a challenge.

I love my girlfriend. I would never kill myself as long as she is alive. But if she wasn't? Who knows...it isn't because I'm sad or anything, but if there is really no reason for me to live, then why bother? Of course, I'm fooling myself. It's my nature to not kill myself. I'll probably just lock myself away and play videogames the rest of my life. Gotta love them videogames. But anyway, I've been feeling really depressed over the past two weeks...this one, unfortunately is not a depression that will go away. The depression is caused because of things I brood over. Just the concepts. For example...we know how to Penis Enlargement, but does every other guy know? No. Therefore there will always be guys who are ridiculed and humiliated for their penis size. This is something that saddens me about life...how life can be so cruel to its own self. Some of them are so close to me I can feel it just because I have such empathy. My own life on its own is pretty secure, or maybe it is because I don't have much experience. It's a sucky thought. It makes me have no motivation, knowing this world is so messed up. And brooding over these things is like a curse to me.
I'm on Cilexa now. Still getting used to the medicine. I'm hoping it will at least drown out the thoughts, because they sure as hell aren't going away.

Tell me if anyone finds a better way. Right now, all I know to do is change myself and be the best I can be, but I will still brood over the concept of certain things in life that my own self has nothing to do with it.
 
Well, I can say that the feelings I had before are a lot weaker. Now that I am married, at a very young age...it has taken the place of a lot of feelings I used to have and has given me a new way to look at life in general.

However, new feelings and emotions have arrived that are not so inviting. I have a lot of responsibility now and can't just shut myself out anymore...I have a wife. I now have someone to share my problems with and to grow with. I might also be moving soon...out to the Midwest, away from the east coast. I hope this change of location will help me start new.

A new home, new military unit, new spirit, new me:)

I'm tired of being tired about life. I know it has a lot more to offer than I have been looking for. I guess I was too lazy to try.
 
Oh, wow. How interesting. I saw this topic on the 2nd page and it sounded so...like me before. I came in to post and look at that. My Godot avatar.

I made that post during Winter. That was a cold winter. My roommate moved out, so I was alone in a double and nobody came to visit me, EVER. Before, any time someone came to the door it was for my roommate. And now there was no one. It was very lonely, and very creepy. And because I was alone all the time, I started to go a bit...insane.

I've been a bit more "motivated" ever since the summer started. I feel like a lot has been lifted off my shoulders. However, I often feel like I'm living for only a few things and that life is a struggle of sorts.
Ah, but this topic is about you Juggers, isn't it? I can say this much:
If the depression is there for no reason, take antidepressants. If the depression is there for plenty of clear substance reasons, then there will eventually be a point where you will get up one day and just...laugh. You will laugh, and then cry, and then laugh again. I was worried because I thought it was my mind breaking and me going insane. Maybe I've gone insane, but I'll say this much; I feel a bit more different from other people now...enough to stand out and distinguish myself from others a bit more. It is interesting stuff. But I've decided to live, because there are plenty of men in the past who had nothing to live for but never killed themselves, because they wanted to know how the tragic story ended. And it is beginning to be fun. I say this as I sit in my room on a dark night, my first floor room in the ground on my campus lit up by a street light, drinking some coffee. It is neat. Chalk it up to my love of acting. But sometimes life is more of a story than we think, even if a lot of us do die very suddenly. I've made sure to keep a journal, so that everything that goes on gets recorded. Someone will discover it. Until then, gotta keep living life. I know for certain now that there is ALWAYS something to live for.
 
When you are in a state of depression you feel like it will never be lifted. But it usually does lift after a while. Sounds like you guys have gotten through the worst of it.

I was told not to isolate when I hit those awful bottoms. I have done my best to reach out to others and it makes a difference, for sure.
 
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