First Instance of Hopelessness in a While

[TonyBaloney]

Hello guys,
I haven't been on this site in at least a year aside from occasionally browsing. I wish I wasn't posting in this category but I have nowhere else to go. I suppose I could sign in at a depression forum, but I don't think it would yield the same kind of results.

Basically, for the last few hours, I have felt pretty hopeless about most things in my life: money (and not having enough), my job, my family, my love life (that no longer exists), and I don't know what to do.

I want out of my job. I want to work for myself, but it's very difficult. A friend of mine and I have a small video production company but gigs are few and far between and pay very little. I want to start a home-based business of some kind but there are far too many scams and scammers out there; I don't know who and what programs to trust. Plus, I know nothing about online marketing and have very little money to invest.

My job is physically and emotionally draining. It basically pays about double what I was making while subsisting on Unemployment Insurance, and for that I'm grateful, but that's really all it affords (and it's certainly not enough). It's not really worth all the stress, physical discomfort and lack of time to pursue anything meaningful. It's not in an industry I want to be a part of either and it grates on my nerves. Plus, this is the company's busy season (Halloween), and I am working long days.

Since beginning this job in July I have lost a lot of sleep, weight, personal time and self-worth, although, to be honest, I don't think I valued myself all that much to begin with.

On to other things...

Recently my father tried to kill himself by huffing compressed air. Apparently, according to my mom, he's at the end of his rope. He's delusional. He's convinced that something bad is going to happen to me, my mom or sisters. He told me a couple of months ago that if something did he wouldn't be able to handle it, so I guess he's sabotaging his life to cut that off at the pass.

If he dies, divorces my mom or, at the very least, stops going to work, it means my whole family is screwed financially, nevermind the emotional devastation. I have no real way of helping them with money, which is troublesome.

I can't even mention my non-existent sex life without becoming enraged at myself, so I won't, because I don't need that on top of everything else I feel as I'm typing.

Being on this site makes me mad, too. It reminds me or maybe makes aware just how unmotivated and unambitious I have become in the last decade. I used to have hope about a lot of things, but as I've grown older much of that has dissipated.

Plus, from a practical standpoint, reading about your 9, 10, and 12" dicks does little to instill self-confidence. I mean, I think I'm large (and when taking into consideration average penis size from stats and surveys I am), but Jesus...can't I just win at something?

I don't know what to do. All of these things are piggy-backing on me tonight and I really wish I could just crawl into bed and not wake up. But I'll have to, because I have work in the morning.

I don't have anyone there with me to encourage me, tell me I'm doing a good job, that things will work out, not to feel bad, etc., so it makes living particularly bleak and joyless. Everybody is somewhere else, unavailable or could give a shit about what's going on with me.

Don't get me wrong, usually I'm in a decent mood. I've been off antidepressants now for about half a year (which is totally awesome) and am taking vitamins that generally do a great job. It's just one of those times.

I just need a break. I need a break from work to get my head straight. I need a break from bills and rent to just breathe for a bit and I want a better life. I'm not a kid anymore; I don't have time to just kick around doing nothing. I just don't have drive anymore. A good day for me nowadays is not having to do anything.

(sigh) So I came here because I have no one to talk to. I can read all the self-help books I want to, but it doesn't replace having a strong group of friends and people who will support me (and one another) whole-heartedly; people who will push me kindly and gently and just be there when I need them (and I do). And I may not find those people here, but I just have to get this shit off my chest.

 

[Turnover]

Hello guys,
I haven't been on this site in at least a year aside from occasionally browsing. I wish I wasn't posting in this category but I have nowhere else to go. I suppose I could sign in at a depression forum, but I don't think it would yield the same kind of results.

Don't get me wrong, usually I'm in a decent mood. I've been off antidepressants now for about half a year (which is totally awesome) and am taking vitamins that generally do a great job. It's just one of those times.

Here are 4 threads posted recently that are similar to your struggle.
LINK
LINK
LINK
LINK
You are definitely not alone here my friend. There is not a better place to have posted your trouble's. This is where people live that care. If I could offer any advice it'd be to write a list of the things you want to change in your life and write another list of the things you have you are grateful for in life. Even the tiny one's like having some type of internet connection to get online, eye's to see your finger type, and the fingers to type them, etc.. Go over both of these lists everyday and really give your self a few minutes to hold those thoughts close to you throughout the day. 2nd I would suggest a natural herbal supplement called Sam-E. It is over the counter, affordable, and could possibly switch your mood in a matter of days. It has been a life-saver in my life, some one who has been deathly ill on prescription medications, Sam-E is NATURAL and has Zero side effect's!

As for what is allowing sadness into your life these days brother, you are not alone, not by a long shot. Sometimes it looks like everyone else is smiling but we forget they could be going through the same shit and think WE have it so much easier. What I would say is write your dad a letter. Tell him your feelings and how much it would effect everything if he were to do such a selfish thing. How all the people around him would be disappointed that he would be such a coward to succumb to the abusive and horrible punisHydromaxent as to robbing each of you his love and his duty as a human to live fucking life. No matter what horrible life experiences you may face, nothing gives anybody the right to give up.

You can't give up- he can't give up- no one at your job can give up. The decision is up to you. If I was you I'd roll a big fat doobie up and smoke until my eyes fell out. But I dont' condone marijuana use I just smoke so I feel it is a medical alternative.

As for you man. Get your head up- life comes in waves. We have times that will blow you outta the water with happiness- and days that feel like the demons are breathing down the back of your neck. It's up to you to take it one step at a time each day. Sometimes when you suffer it is called "Long-Suffering" and this happens so we learn what is to really be thankful for. If you have been missing out the past 10 years. Today is a new day. Your excuse is no better than the next persons and first thing in the morning I want you to start thinking of reasons this is happening to you. I want you to find the problem at the source and begin changing what you dont like about it. If you dont like your job- start applying at new jobs. If you dont like your hair- get a haircut. If you dont like you body- start walking 30mins a day, eat better, and drink lots and lots of water. If you are unhappy with your family- start looking for new places to live. If you dont like your kids put them up for adoption. That type of shit etc etc

(that last one was a bit of a joke to get you in the right idea- unless it is something that would start making you happy)

 

[Yugos]

Best thing for depression are goals that are rooted in you, like fitness, studying and meditation.
Everything around us we cannot control!
Get involved with anything that has people in it like group meditations or sports activities!
when you get home at night get some relaxation music on and just relax!

 

[TonyBaloney]

Thank you both for taking the time to write. My mood changed for the better the following morning after I took my vitamins for the day. I hope this shit doesn't come back like that again.

 

[DLD]

Best thing for depression are goals that are rooted in you, like fitness, studying and meditation.
Everything around us we cannot control!
Get involved with anything that has people in it like group meditations or sports activities!
when you get home at night get some relaxation music on and just relax!

Agree!

Situations do not MATTER, state of being MATTERS! What is it that you want? What is your ideal life? Where do you wish to be? Stating the way you want it to be instead of the way it is will bring these desires so much quicker. Try to avoid putting a price on what you want as this only works as a obstacle between you and your desire. You state that you do not have enough money but what is it you want with the money you are lacking? Be specific and really search yourself for why you desire these things<<<Important.

 

[TonyBaloney]

Hi there,
I was going to start another thread after reading some of the posts in the Art of Attraction section of this forum, but I found this section again and noticed that DLD had replied, too. (That's nice of you, sir)

To answer your question, DLD: I want more money so, pragmatically, I can totally support myself financially. I want to work online and make money on the internet somehow because I can't see myself working for somebody else. $8.50 an hour? Fuck you. I don't want a J.O.B. I want to make money comfortably and easily so I can pay off my student loans and live debt free and pay off my parents' debts and give them as much money as they need whenever they need it. I also want more money so I can make movies and give money to my friends to make their movies. Also, I want to give money to my friends who are struggling (like me) in that department.

In the meantime, I want a job in media production. I have been trying to do that for years but it's not the most stable industry and it's highly competitive. If I am to have a job, though, that's what I want.

This is what I was intending to write about:
I want things to be better in my life, both situationally and psychologically but I guess in some deep-seated way, I don't believe they'll get better or I don't believe in myself (or both). I've read some things about the LOA (and am curious to know what EMDR or EDMR is), but if I don't believe in it, even if I like the intention of the people presenting the info (Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks, DLD, Red, etc.), I'm not going to absorb it or implement it. Although, I will admit that I did Wayne Dyer's manifestation meditation years ago and it helped. I connected with a good presence, but it only happened once, so I stopped.

Fact is, I don't know what to believe anymore. There's so much bullshit in the world; who do I turn to? Everyone's selling a miracle. I don't know what happened. My cynicism has corrupted my heart. That, and few good things seem to happen to me that I've lost a lot of hope.

I want to be better, but I resist positive change more than my desire to get above it. I've noticed that recently.

I've been trying to read Psycho-Cybernetics, but it's boring, clinical and I have trouble concentrating.

In addition to not being able to concentrate as well, I've lost the ability to meditate since getting off antidepressants. I've lost my connection with God. It's the only thing I miss about being on that shit. I could meditate with ease. I had some wonderful things happen during meditation while on antidepressants, but I know in the long run they're bad for me and I'm not going back.

I feel helpless and trapped. I don't have anyone around me encouraging me and telling me to keep going or that I'm doing a good job. I haven't had contact with God in a long time and have lost faith that I can do anything about my life and experience.

I hate my life and am growing increasingly tired of living it. How can I eliminate this innate feeling of resistance to being a better person and living a better life? I know I need deprogramming. Do I need to be hypnotized? Is there anyone in my geographic area who would be willing to mentor/teach/guide/support me?

I'll bet you're thankful I didn't post this in the LOA section; it would have ruined it.

 

[stillwantmore]

Sometimes the best answer is to keep plugging along regardless of what is or could happen in life. Continue being "miserable" for a while if need be. I'm not going to "sell" hope, or anything silly like that. I've been to enough motivation and "leadership" seminars to write a book on the subject myself and it all boils down to the same thing basically. If a person wants to change it has to come from within. NO outside "motivator" will do it. Anyone can get "pumped up" for an hour or two, but a true desire to change comes from within. Unfortunately, the human psyche makes that a personal decision and journey for 90+% of people.
Perhaps a guy who wants a change financially (for example) needs to look into debt elimination strategies, and a budget. There are usually ways to work with financial situations no matter where a person is. I've been in debt up to my eyeballs before, so I can talk. I know the feeling of "oh shit everyone is after me" too...and being close to losing the roof over my head because of bad decisions. I've had people calling my cell phone, home number AND work number asking for money. It's embarrassing and frustrating as hell. I made the choice to quit playing the pity parade though. I got a second job. I worked pretty much 20 hours a day, slept 3-4, and got out of debt in about 6 months. I was then able to drop the second job (one was waiting tables, the other was a factory "shift" job). I'm now back in school (I'm in my early 30's btw and believe it's never too late) now and pursuing a CAREER in a solid industry (dental).

Life is never without a solution. Sometimes a person has to put off some goals for the sake of focusing on others, or to get on a better track first.

I've done the whole work online/work at home thing too. The truth is 99% of them require MONEY to make money. There's no such thing as a get in quick for no money deal. It's just like a real business no matter what you might be told by people trying to sell the program. That's their job, to make it look as good as possible. There are some that I will probably give a go again that have automated systems, BUT that will be in the semi near future when I have my career established and have a little more $$ to throw at them.

 

[DLD]

SOme great support here, we have a great family here at [words=http://www.mattersofsize.com/join-now.html]MOS[/words]! I hope all appreciate it.

 

[Yugos]

Yes its great to see people respond in this manner, looks like you are always getting the pat on the back while the things are not good.
The worst thing is that when you analyze your life through the years, you see your emotional, psychological or physical problems are the same, you only became accustomed to them...we don't prevail only manage.

We are only in this due our shortcomings, if we were on the path to something we would not see comradeship...

 

[Yugos]

double post by mistake how do i edit or delete posts?

 

[TonyBaloney]

I appreciate you guys taking the time to help. I guess this will all come in time. It's just particularly bothersome to know people who are farther along in their personal journey than I am in mine.
However, recently a lot of good things have happened to me both in my friendships/relationships and opportunities to work on projects.
One of the things I have the most trouble with is keeping and cultivating my personal power. Going to my job every day saps me of my energy, creativity and spirit, and I'm not the only person I know who feels this way. I have to get out and do my own thing; it's the only thing that's going to give me that kind of peace.
Thanks again. Out of curiosity, is there anyone who would mind mentoring me as far as personal development outside the penile enhancement realm? I've been trying to find out what happened to Alpha Blade because I was really looking forward to that.

 

[Turnover]

What is Alpha Blade ?

 

[Turnover]

I was thinking about this, and I think I have changed my view's on suicide slightly since you then wrote. If your father is suicidal and he were to ever harm himself it would have been the course of what life should be. It doesn't change the fact I advised writing him a letter, just to help you understand I mean to let his hand's do the walking and your mouth do the talking. If he hurts himself- it's only himself he's truly hurting. It could effect you and the one's you love but he can make the choice for himself if that would make him feel better.

Hello guys,
I haven't been on this site in at least a year aside from occasionally browsing. I wish I wasn't posting in this category but I have nowhere else to go. I suppose I could sign in at a depression forum, but I don't think it would yield the same kind of results.

Basically, for the last few hours, I have felt pretty hopeless about most things in my life: money (and not having enough), my job, my family, my love life (that no longer exists), and I don't know what to do.

I want out of my job. I want to work for myself, but it's very difficult. A friend of mine and I have a small video production company but gigs are few and far between and pay very little. I want to start a home-based business of some kind but there are far too many scams and scammers out there; I don't know who and what programs to trust. Plus, I know nothing about online marketing and have very little money to invest.

My job is physically and emotionally draining. It basically pays about double what I was making while subsisting on Unemployment Insurance, and for that I'm grateful, but that's really all it affords (and it's certainly not enough). It's not really worth all the stress, physical discomfort and lack of time to pursue anything meaningful. It's not in an industry I want to be a part of either and it grates on my nerves. Plus, this is the company's busy season (Halloween), and I am working long days.

Since beginning this job in July I have lost a lot of sleep, weight, personal time and self-worth, although, to be honest, I don't think I valued myself all that much to begin with.

On to other things...

Recently my father tried to kill himself by huffing compressed air. Apparently, according to my mom, he's at the end of his rope. He's delusional. He's convinced that something bad is going to happen to me, my mom or sisters. He told me a couple of months ago that if something did he wouldn't be able to handle it, so I guess he's sabotaging his life to cut that off at the pass.

If he dies, divorces my mom or, at the very least, stops going to work, it means my whole family is screwed financially, nevermind the emotional devastation. I have no real way of helping them with money, which is troublesome.

I can't even mention my non-existent sex life without becoming enraged at myself, so I won't, because I don't need that on top of everything else I feel as I'm typing.

Being on this site makes me mad, too. It reminds me or maybe makes aware just how unmotivated and unambitious I have become in the last decade. I used to have hope about a lot of things, but as I've grown older much of that has dissipated.

Plus, from a practical standpoint, reading about your 9, 10, and 12" dicks does little to instill self-confidence. I mean, I think I'm large (and when taking into consideration average penis size from stats and surveys I am), but Jesus...can't I just win at something?

I don't know what to do. All of these things are piggy-backing on me tonight and I really wish I could just crawl into bed and not wake up. But I'll have to, because I have work in the morning.

I don't have anyone there with me to encourage me, tell me I'm doing a good job, that things will work out, not to feel bad, etc., so it makes living particularly bleak and joyless. Everybody is somewhere else, unavailable or could give a shit about what's going on with me.

Don't get me wrong, usually I'm in a decent mood. I've been off antidepressants now for about half a year (which is totally awesome) and am taking vitamins that generally do a great job. It's just one of those times.

I just need a break. I need a break from work to get my head straight. I need a break from bills and rent to just breathe for a bit and I want a better life. I'm not a kid anymore; I don't have time to just kick around doing nothing. I just don't have drive anymore. A good day for me nowadays is not having to do anything.

(sigh) So I came here because I have no one to talk to. I can read all the self-help books I want to, but it doesn't replace having a strong group of friends and people who will support me (and one another) whole-heartedly; people who will push me kindly and gently and just be there when I need them (and I do). And I may not find those people here, but I just have to get this shit off my chest.

 

[TonyBaloney]

I agree with you. He's since gotten better and has found a new goal in life. I hope that he follows through with it and I will be there to support him should he take action.