Shion
0
Hey all.
I usually have a rule of thumb about posting over breakups over the internet, but...if anything this isn't your average forum. We're all brothers, right? I know that this forum has grown to be more about growing as a person in addition to growing a penis. I thought it would be okay. If not, tell me.
You might know a bit of history about me if you've seen me post. I haven't posted in a long time; the forum tends to move real slow.
Well, I'm 20 years old. Young, yeah, I know. I hear it all the time.
When I was 16, I met a girl. Her name was Margaret. She was a quiet gal but very sweet. She was a fresHydromaxen and I was a sophomore. We became friends after she joined in a conversation about Star Wars. I'm not so big on Star Wars but she was. Well...I became her friend when she told me she didn't have a whole lot of friends. Turns out she was in the same situation I was in; it was hard to make friends when none of them gave you any momentum in terms of building the friendship. One conversation and that's it. Well, she was happy when I went out of my way to grow the friendship with her. The big problem was that I could only talk to her at school because she lived with this aunt that wouldn't let her have a life. No phone, no internet, no videogames, no reading comics, no drawing. Yeah, she couldn't draw. Well, 10 minutes every day was all I got. That was break time. We had no classes and we ate lunch with different people. So when my mom told me we were moving from Alabama to Washington, that meant we wouldn't see each other anymore.
But when I got up there I still thought about her. I had fallen in love. She was the sweetest person I knew, she communicated with me, liked the kinds of things I did, and if only she had a bit more freedom we could have flown through life together as soulmates.
But I thought not. So, I lived life. But one day she contacted me. Through the phone? Yeah! Her nasty aunt sent her to stay with her parents in North Carolina. We resumed our friendship. And one day, I heard from a now-ex-friend that she loved me, and she knew that I loved her. We got together. But it was a distance of 3000 miles between two kids that had no way of seeing each other. So the relationship went, for 3 years.
There were issues in the relationship, mainly communication issues. And she refused to come forth. She also didn't look like she was going to make any effort to move out of the house when she graduated, plus she was so loyal to her parents she unquestioningly followed their strict rules about everything. She constantly complained to me about how they pissed her off and made her do things that in the end was really child abuse considering how much real physical stress it put on her. She would use every time of the month as an excuse to be nasty to me, and wouldn't sit down and have any serious conversations with me because "I work so hard during the day and I come home to my parents screaming at me. At the end of the day you're what brightens my day, but I have to deal with this shit too?" She was changing gradually. She was talking down to me all the time like she was some wise sage and that I was having maturity issues. I know I'm not the most mature person in the world, but she wasn't in a very good position to be telling me that.
Well, we agreed that whatever problems we were having would be solved by Christmas, last year. That was the time we'd planned for me to come down there. I paid $600 for the ticket, but as all of you in the north know, it snowed like UNGODLY HELL that Christmas. I risked my life to drive 5 miles down to my parents' house in McMinnville. We'd planned in November that I would park my car there and my mother would take me to the airport so I didn't have to pay parking fees. Well, my mother's car wouldn't have been able to get out of the driveway so my dad took me instead. That has no real value to the story except that when he dropped me off at the portland airport, I'd found I was stuck there. I waited in line for 3 hours to find out my flight was cancelled. The earliest they could book me for? Christmas Eve. 3 days after I was supposed to be down there with my love. But that was actually a best case scenario since all the flights up to that point were also cancelled. Only on that very day did the planes start flying again. And so it was. I took a whole day to get down there but I eventually arrived at the Charlotte airport. It was 6:00 in the morning. She was walking towards me. She was beautiful. She was older, but she was cheery and happy like she was those years ago. She says I was like my old self too. We went home, I showered (hadn't done that in 3 days Christ.) and I went up to see her. We shared our first real moment together since high school. I was in her bed, we were all over each other, scared but excited, so happy, so relaxed. Unfortunately I was so exhausted I could barely move. My body was shaking not because of nervousness, but because I was using all of my energy just to avoid collapsing on top of her. We didn't have sex, because her birth control prescriber just HAPPenis EnlargementNED to mess it up for that week. Whatever. Anyway, we had a whole week planned out. But on the days she was working I could only stay home and wait. On another day, her friend came over for the whole day and spent the whole night. On another day, her OTHER friend came over for the whole day and spent the whole night. On Friday, Margaret's stepdad forced us to lift a bunch of firewood and take it inside "if we wanted the car for the whole day." But I couldn't protest, because Margaret was telling me this on his behalf because he was too chicken-shit to tell me himself. Margaret also took that day to tell me on his behalf everything I did wrong that week in terms of impressing her parents. I was devastated. But, apart from that, we had the whole day to ourselves. We drove to "place where you have fun on Fridays". Everyone has a place like that where they live. Well, Hickory was where the mall and the game stores were. After that we went home and I set her up with some things she wanted on her computer, and we played Strip Super Smash Bros. But right after that? I had to pack, sleep for 3 hours, and head to the airport. I was going home, extremely disappointed, extremely sad I was leaving the most important thing in my life, and extremely frustrated at everything that limited me and stopped me. So much energy, time, resources, planning and money spent on so little.
I mean, were my expectations too high?
Not 3 months after, she took the time to tell me I wasn't right for her. "She knows me well enough and she knows herself well enough that she is absolutely sure the relationship would become extremely volatile later in life". But the reasoning wasn't clear. And all I expect if a person is going to breakup with me is no bullshit reasoning. "Just wouldn't work out" is a bullshit reason if I am sure of what would fix things. And I know that she had been communicating with me about 99% less from the beginning to the end. It used to be "call Tristan every day, talk with him for 2 hours on weekdays, 8 hours on weekends, instant message as much as possible". This worked for a long distance relationship. But now? It's like, a text every week. And now? 0% communication. Even though she said she still loved me but wasn't "in love" with me, still wanted to be a friend with benefits and do those things that we do, only that she would call herself single. If she wanted space, fine. But I was willing to sacrifice all of those years of my young life to be with this perfect woman in the future. But she's not that person anymore. It's like she died, but she's still alive. And "i have to be ready for the point" that she might see someone, "just as I would have to be ready if you did". But that's not going to happen. If anything it sure won't happen for a VERY long time. But she is...well, was, perfect. Still is perfect-looking if anything. She could have anyone.
A part of me has been lost. Everywhere I look there's something from her. But everyone I talked to just wants me to pack up and forget she existed. When I texted her the other day I got "Don't call or text this number again, Margaret's mom." Her mom confiscated her cell phone and computer privilages because of her grades at her community college. But there are lots of ways to talk to someone. I know she's just cut off all communication completely.
She said she broke up with me because she was deathly afraid of losing my friendship. But that's bullshit, because the relationship was based on the friendship, and the friendship was having problems; not the relationship. If only she'd made the effort to communicate with me, there might have been a chance. I don't have anything to work with if I can't communicate with her. The distance was a huge handicap, and even though that wasn't the reason she terminated it, it was just another thing that conspired against me trying to form the life I wanted to live with her. I loved her so much I built a lot of parts of my life around her. But now it's like What do I stand for? I live a lonely life now, if not I did already. I don't have a whole lot of friends. I don't ever hardly get momentum from people. When I try and build a friendship, they're too busy with the people they've been friends with for longer, and I fade away in the background.
I know all of this is peanuts to a lot of you. I'm real young on this forum by comparison. But, it's been 3 weeks since she terminated the relationship, thinking only of herself, making every bit of sacrifice I made, everything I was banking, completely useless. And no matter how hard I try I can't get her out of my head. Especially our muffin daughter (That was a thing we had going on. We had a daughter who was a muffin. My mother actually sewed me a muffin-pattern for her and I found her little pockets for clothes.) We love her, though I'm the one that takes care of her, and every time I see her I'm reminded of her. It sounds silly I know, especially to those that have real kids, but keep in mind I really take it seriously. She's important to me.
Margaret was my absolute best friend. She's changed into one of the worst kinds of people out there.
And I know that whether it's really soon or really far away, she'll find someone some day, share everything with him that I once did. She'll probably have a lot more fun with him. I have nightmares every night and during the day if I'm not so occupied it hurts, I can think of every vivid thing going on in her room with generic hot other guy X. He is of course very good-looking and don't get me started on the cock thing. And he probably caters to all of her new interests of gothy-stuff loving (which appeared gradually mind you) and does everything I don't in that regard; probably is real thin and wears tight leather pants which is real sexy to her and something I'd never do considering my build. He probably likes German metal more than I do.
I like looking at adult entertainment, but every time I do I imagine her having a wonderful fun guilty time with generic hot other guy X. It eats away at me. I can't stop having nightmares.
It's messing with every aspect of my life, even the parts that are really looking up and going good for me, like my college classes and I am making new friends with relevant interests. But her? I don't think she's ever going to die in my heart. I really don't think she will ever die in my heart no matter how old I am, even if every person that reads this topic will say "You're so young Tristan you've got your whole life ahead of you". Even if I find a wonderful woman. Even if everything else I love about life falls right into my lap. I'll still have nightmares and daydream horrible thoughts. It's killing me. I feel like now I can't be myself, that I have to start doing all sorts of shit like Penis Enlargement because now I'll be running into girls that are way more superficial than Margaret was, and there will always be trust issues and people will always shy away from my being serious all the time.
I'm not some suicidal emo guy. But I certainly feel like there's not as much to live for now, because it will just be alone. If so I might die doing something fantastical that nobody does because there's the whole death risk.
I live each day, eating, shitting, sleeping, working, videogames, computer, writing, art, the usual stuff. But it's painful. Extremely painful. I've never felt such a horrid pain. I can take extreme physical pain. I'm very susceptible to pain of the mind, and that's probably why I felt so drawn here. From the common aspect of penis focus alone we've all felt pain of the mind. Well...a lot of things are attached to this. Margaret refused to do the one thing that would have brought back all aspects of the friendship, but instead chose to run away like she always does. There were no periods of change, nothing where I was given any areas to improve on. And when she finds that other guy, it'll feel just as painful as if she cheated on me, except it's justified and there's nothing I can do and nobody else will care.
I guess the bottom topic is...any advice? What makes love something we pursue? Is it really just because we're animals trying to find a mate? I am lost and I don't know what to do. I can't make any declarations about people or the way they work. But I thought I was safe for the time being. Why am I doing what I'm doing? Why am I here right now with this identity? Is there a reason or is it all chance in something that doesn't really exist? Or is this just a cruel game we all have no choice but to play?
I usually have a rule of thumb about posting over breakups over the internet, but...if anything this isn't your average forum. We're all brothers, right? I know that this forum has grown to be more about growing as a person in addition to growing a penis. I thought it would be okay. If not, tell me.
You might know a bit of history about me if you've seen me post. I haven't posted in a long time; the forum tends to move real slow.
Well, I'm 20 years old. Young, yeah, I know. I hear it all the time.
When I was 16, I met a girl. Her name was Margaret. She was a quiet gal but very sweet. She was a fresHydromaxen and I was a sophomore. We became friends after she joined in a conversation about Star Wars. I'm not so big on Star Wars but she was. Well...I became her friend when she told me she didn't have a whole lot of friends. Turns out she was in the same situation I was in; it was hard to make friends when none of them gave you any momentum in terms of building the friendship. One conversation and that's it. Well, she was happy when I went out of my way to grow the friendship with her. The big problem was that I could only talk to her at school because she lived with this aunt that wouldn't let her have a life. No phone, no internet, no videogames, no reading comics, no drawing. Yeah, she couldn't draw. Well, 10 minutes every day was all I got. That was break time. We had no classes and we ate lunch with different people. So when my mom told me we were moving from Alabama to Washington, that meant we wouldn't see each other anymore.
But when I got up there I still thought about her. I had fallen in love. She was the sweetest person I knew, she communicated with me, liked the kinds of things I did, and if only she had a bit more freedom we could have flown through life together as soulmates.
But I thought not. So, I lived life. But one day she contacted me. Through the phone? Yeah! Her nasty aunt sent her to stay with her parents in North Carolina. We resumed our friendship. And one day, I heard from a now-ex-friend that she loved me, and she knew that I loved her. We got together. But it was a distance of 3000 miles between two kids that had no way of seeing each other. So the relationship went, for 3 years.
There were issues in the relationship, mainly communication issues. And she refused to come forth. She also didn't look like she was going to make any effort to move out of the house when she graduated, plus she was so loyal to her parents she unquestioningly followed their strict rules about everything. She constantly complained to me about how they pissed her off and made her do things that in the end was really child abuse considering how much real physical stress it put on her. She would use every time of the month as an excuse to be nasty to me, and wouldn't sit down and have any serious conversations with me because "I work so hard during the day and I come home to my parents screaming at me. At the end of the day you're what brightens my day, but I have to deal with this shit too?" She was changing gradually. She was talking down to me all the time like she was some wise sage and that I was having maturity issues. I know I'm not the most mature person in the world, but she wasn't in a very good position to be telling me that.
Well, we agreed that whatever problems we were having would be solved by Christmas, last year. That was the time we'd planned for me to come down there. I paid $600 for the ticket, but as all of you in the north know, it snowed like UNGODLY HELL that Christmas. I risked my life to drive 5 miles down to my parents' house in McMinnville. We'd planned in November that I would park my car there and my mother would take me to the airport so I didn't have to pay parking fees. Well, my mother's car wouldn't have been able to get out of the driveway so my dad took me instead. That has no real value to the story except that when he dropped me off at the portland airport, I'd found I was stuck there. I waited in line for 3 hours to find out my flight was cancelled. The earliest they could book me for? Christmas Eve. 3 days after I was supposed to be down there with my love. But that was actually a best case scenario since all the flights up to that point were also cancelled. Only on that very day did the planes start flying again. And so it was. I took a whole day to get down there but I eventually arrived at the Charlotte airport. It was 6:00 in the morning. She was walking towards me. She was beautiful. She was older, but she was cheery and happy like she was those years ago. She says I was like my old self too. We went home, I showered (hadn't done that in 3 days Christ.) and I went up to see her. We shared our first real moment together since high school. I was in her bed, we were all over each other, scared but excited, so happy, so relaxed. Unfortunately I was so exhausted I could barely move. My body was shaking not because of nervousness, but because I was using all of my energy just to avoid collapsing on top of her. We didn't have sex, because her birth control prescriber just HAPPenis EnlargementNED to mess it up for that week. Whatever. Anyway, we had a whole week planned out. But on the days she was working I could only stay home and wait. On another day, her friend came over for the whole day and spent the whole night. On another day, her OTHER friend came over for the whole day and spent the whole night. On Friday, Margaret's stepdad forced us to lift a bunch of firewood and take it inside "if we wanted the car for the whole day." But I couldn't protest, because Margaret was telling me this on his behalf because he was too chicken-shit to tell me himself. Margaret also took that day to tell me on his behalf everything I did wrong that week in terms of impressing her parents. I was devastated. But, apart from that, we had the whole day to ourselves. We drove to "place where you have fun on Fridays". Everyone has a place like that where they live. Well, Hickory was where the mall and the game stores were. After that we went home and I set her up with some things she wanted on her computer, and we played Strip Super Smash Bros. But right after that? I had to pack, sleep for 3 hours, and head to the airport. I was going home, extremely disappointed, extremely sad I was leaving the most important thing in my life, and extremely frustrated at everything that limited me and stopped me. So much energy, time, resources, planning and money spent on so little.
I mean, were my expectations too high?
Not 3 months after, she took the time to tell me I wasn't right for her. "She knows me well enough and she knows herself well enough that she is absolutely sure the relationship would become extremely volatile later in life". But the reasoning wasn't clear. And all I expect if a person is going to breakup with me is no bullshit reasoning. "Just wouldn't work out" is a bullshit reason if I am sure of what would fix things. And I know that she had been communicating with me about 99% less from the beginning to the end. It used to be "call Tristan every day, talk with him for 2 hours on weekdays, 8 hours on weekends, instant message as much as possible". This worked for a long distance relationship. But now? It's like, a text every week. And now? 0% communication. Even though she said she still loved me but wasn't "in love" with me, still wanted to be a friend with benefits and do those things that we do, only that she would call herself single. If she wanted space, fine. But I was willing to sacrifice all of those years of my young life to be with this perfect woman in the future. But she's not that person anymore. It's like she died, but she's still alive. And "i have to be ready for the point" that she might see someone, "just as I would have to be ready if you did". But that's not going to happen. If anything it sure won't happen for a VERY long time. But she is...well, was, perfect. Still is perfect-looking if anything. She could have anyone.
A part of me has been lost. Everywhere I look there's something from her. But everyone I talked to just wants me to pack up and forget she existed. When I texted her the other day I got "Don't call or text this number again, Margaret's mom." Her mom confiscated her cell phone and computer privilages because of her grades at her community college. But there are lots of ways to talk to someone. I know she's just cut off all communication completely.
She said she broke up with me because she was deathly afraid of losing my friendship. But that's bullshit, because the relationship was based on the friendship, and the friendship was having problems; not the relationship. If only she'd made the effort to communicate with me, there might have been a chance. I don't have anything to work with if I can't communicate with her. The distance was a huge handicap, and even though that wasn't the reason she terminated it, it was just another thing that conspired against me trying to form the life I wanted to live with her. I loved her so much I built a lot of parts of my life around her. But now it's like What do I stand for? I live a lonely life now, if not I did already. I don't have a whole lot of friends. I don't ever hardly get momentum from people. When I try and build a friendship, they're too busy with the people they've been friends with for longer, and I fade away in the background.
I know all of this is peanuts to a lot of you. I'm real young on this forum by comparison. But, it's been 3 weeks since she terminated the relationship, thinking only of herself, making every bit of sacrifice I made, everything I was banking, completely useless. And no matter how hard I try I can't get her out of my head. Especially our muffin daughter (That was a thing we had going on. We had a daughter who was a muffin. My mother actually sewed me a muffin-pattern for her and I found her little pockets for clothes.) We love her, though I'm the one that takes care of her, and every time I see her I'm reminded of her. It sounds silly I know, especially to those that have real kids, but keep in mind I really take it seriously. She's important to me.
Margaret was my absolute best friend. She's changed into one of the worst kinds of people out there.
And I know that whether it's really soon or really far away, she'll find someone some day, share everything with him that I once did. She'll probably have a lot more fun with him. I have nightmares every night and during the day if I'm not so occupied it hurts, I can think of every vivid thing going on in her room with generic hot other guy X. He is of course very good-looking and don't get me started on the cock thing. And he probably caters to all of her new interests of gothy-stuff loving (which appeared gradually mind you) and does everything I don't in that regard; probably is real thin and wears tight leather pants which is real sexy to her and something I'd never do considering my build. He probably likes German metal more than I do.
I like looking at adult entertainment, but every time I do I imagine her having a wonderful fun guilty time with generic hot other guy X. It eats away at me. I can't stop having nightmares.
It's messing with every aspect of my life, even the parts that are really looking up and going good for me, like my college classes and I am making new friends with relevant interests. But her? I don't think she's ever going to die in my heart. I really don't think she will ever die in my heart no matter how old I am, even if every person that reads this topic will say "You're so young Tristan you've got your whole life ahead of you". Even if I find a wonderful woman. Even if everything else I love about life falls right into my lap. I'll still have nightmares and daydream horrible thoughts. It's killing me. I feel like now I can't be myself, that I have to start doing all sorts of shit like Penis Enlargement because now I'll be running into girls that are way more superficial than Margaret was, and there will always be trust issues and people will always shy away from my being serious all the time.
I'm not some suicidal emo guy. But I certainly feel like there's not as much to live for now, because it will just be alone. If so I might die doing something fantastical that nobody does because there's the whole death risk.
I live each day, eating, shitting, sleeping, working, videogames, computer, writing, art, the usual stuff. But it's painful. Extremely painful. I've never felt such a horrid pain. I can take extreme physical pain. I'm very susceptible to pain of the mind, and that's probably why I felt so drawn here. From the common aspect of penis focus alone we've all felt pain of the mind. Well...a lot of things are attached to this. Margaret refused to do the one thing that would have brought back all aspects of the friendship, but instead chose to run away like she always does. There were no periods of change, nothing where I was given any areas to improve on. And when she finds that other guy, it'll feel just as painful as if she cheated on me, except it's justified and there's nothing I can do and nobody else will care.
I guess the bottom topic is...any advice? What makes love something we pursue? Is it really just because we're animals trying to find a mate? I am lost and I don't know what to do. I can't make any declarations about people or the way they work. But I thought I was safe for the time being. Why am I doing what I'm doing? Why am I here right now with this identity? Is there a reason or is it all chance in something that doesn't really exist? Or is this just a cruel game we all have no choice but to play?
