I will definitely check that out. I understand that SAD (seasonal affective disorder) is mostly the opposite of the way my cycles run but it is true,the switch clicks once the cold comes. I don't think it is a sun thing more than a heat thing. It is almost like some people like cold therapy in comparison to heat therapy. I absolutely love the sun but like clockwork, when the summer comes my house becomes dark and I sort of hibernate as much as possible. Once the cool weather arrives the feeling of depression in lifted and I get the relief of maybe 2 months of hypo-mania. This can be traced by my posting styles during this time. I put more credit in this lately as when it does get a little more cool I start to feel more hopeful. Shit, I have even considered moving to Alaska so I could avoid the depression.
Depression is so hard to deal with because no matter how many times I go through it I still get that shitty thought that it may be here forever this time. But, as I said, there is a definite history that follows May, June, July and August I am in a deep depression, September, October, November and December I am Hypo-Manic and January, February, March and April I struggle with Mania. It has been about 10 years in this cycle and the worst part is when I need to get medical attention to deal with it. I have never gone to the hospital for depression, always at the midpoint of Mania. This is a very tricky disorder and can really work to fool me especially during mania. Going from hypo to full blown mania is always a mind fuck where I think I am still productive but all those around me see me falling apart...very frustrating and it leads to having very little friends and a very small social life. Thank God for the Brotherhood because without this purposeful work I do I do not think I would make it.
My therapist has asked me if I wanted to try to go to the Hospital during this depression to maybe get a different perspective on medication and cognitive work. Since I have never had that happen I am considering it. She said they could also do neurological testing during the visit to try to get more information on my cycles. As I stated above you can see I have very weird cycles, long and with no ups and downs. She says this is very rare as most people cycle daily, weekly and in rare cases monthly but in my case where it takes months for changes she said there could be more to the picture. I am really thinking deeply on it and I will consider it. The nice thing now is the Hospital allows for computer use so I will be able to work when away. I don't want this to become a crutch but at the same time if I can find out more about myself and maybe fix some of these issues it may be a smart move.
I appreciate all you time and efforts to help me and your prayers, every mass I pray for you too and thank you through Jesus that you are in my corner. It amazes me that I have been able to maintain the Brotherhood as I have with these issues...God is good.
