Long, complicated story...just for input.

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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#1
Okay...me and this married woman have been really close friends for about 3 months now...problem is, as happens sometimes in this situation, we have developed feelings for each other. The bad part is, we have so much chemistry, it's amazing. There has never been an awkard pause in our conversations, we are always having fun around one another, and we share everything. She's told me before that a) She thinks we are soul mates...but still just friends. b)I'm the only person she doesn't feel lonely around (that includes her husband) c)If she hadn't been married when we first met, she would have been all over me d)Her and her husband are drifting apart and e)She tells me everything, including things she doesn't tell her husband and f)I know her better than anyone, including her husband.

Now...obviously, I am in a difficult situation. Difficult for several reasons. I could easily, very easily, if I wasn't careful, fall in love with this girl. She is beautiful, smart, sweet, funny, everything. I have often looked at her and thought, "She is perfect." I can read her emotions just by looking in her eyes. Around her, I feel...happy. I have a complex, a disorder, a thing in my head taht always makes me feel alone and unworthy...when I'm with her, she makes me feel important, liked, loved. She hugs me all the time, plays around with me...it's kind of hard to explain. All I know is, I desperately want to be with her sometimes. Sometimes I don't feel it; sometimes I am content just to be her friend, but...it's hard to ignore the other times.

I am a Christian. Devout and saved. So is she. She doesn't not believe in divorce unless abuse is involved. She has told me before that her husband and her are drifting apart, but I don't think they would ever get a divorce. If they did, I hate to say it, but I would make a move...not soon, obviously, but I would. It kills me to hang out with her ANd him, because I feel guilty the whole time and I feel awkward. He has already said he has no problem with me, and he is a nice guy...but I don't think he is right for her. He just...doesn't look at her right, doesn't love her enough. But then again, I could be crazy.

She still loves him, she's told me as much...but...I just don't know what the Hell to do. One minute she acts like she wants to divorce him and be with me, but the next she acts like I'm just her friend, nothing more...which I am fine with. Usually. She tells me that we're soul mates, and that her husband doesn't understand her the way I do, and...Damnit, Id on't know what to do! I would love to be with her, but if I don't have a chance in Hell of it, I want to at least try to move on a little! I already have enough women troubles (4 girlfriends, 6 heartbreaks...looong story, for another time.) I just don't know what to do. I cry about it sometimes, and that helps a little, but...I'm so lonely, and she eases it so easily...I just wish I knew why...and knew how to get what I need to get out of this.
There's more to the story, obviously, but I'll let it go at this until I get some replies or something so I can tell if anyone even wants to hear me continue ranting.
 

penguinsfan

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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#2
I feel for you. And I can relate to your religious beliefs. Though not practicing, I was raised in such an environment and have adopted a similar moral code for my life.

My advice is to let it go. If you need to, talk to her explain the realistic outlook of the situation and get her feelings on this. Sometimes people marry someone that is not the most ideal for them. Thoughout your life, you'll meet thousands of people and it won't be hard, during tough times, to meet someone great and ponder the question of whether or not you would be better off with him/her. The world would be a much more chaotic place if people cashed out every time they thought they had a chance for a slightly better hand. In all likelihood, this girl should be talking with her husband and trying to work on the fact that they're growing apart. I don't know what else to say. I'm just one that believes that once you say "I do", that's it...in all but the most extreme circumstances.

For the record, I work with a girl that is not totally satisfied in her marriage and has said she would like to be with me, in a different time and place. Truth is, I wouldn't want to be with her, because she makes EVERY detail of their marriage and personal life office conversation and I am someone that wants more respect and privacy than that. She is a Christian and has accepted the fact that she is stuck with her husband for life. I encourage her to spend time with him (they work opposite shifts) and work on their situation. She seems totally cool with the situation. In fact, she actually wanted to take a weekend and fly out to the Reagan library (fellow conservative) a couple weeks ago. Funny thing is, I think her husband would have actually been okay with her going and I honestly don't think she would have made any move on me. She seems at peace with her situation.
 
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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#3
Andithilion said:
I am a Christian. Devout and saved. So is she.
Ok man, I'm real sorry as this isn't what you want to hear but even though i am not christian I did look into it and I know the "rules" so you can never have anything happen with this woman. Period. There is no excuse anywhere in the bible for you two to go any further with this, and if anything you should back off.

But, in better news, the world is full of beautiful kind intelligent women. We have all been there mate, where we've found one "perfect" woman and had our hearts broken, but the cliches are all true, there are more fish in the sea, and you need to get your head out of this situation, take time to heal up, and get out there looking. The only reason you havent found a good single woman is youve been too preoccupied with this girl right now, and I'm guessing the heartbreaks of the past.

Theres a woman out there for you mate, and this situation can only bake your head further. After all, she married the husband didnt she? Nobody held a gun to her head I am assuming.

You sound like a great guy, get out there and find an equally great single girl.

Just my 2 cents, good luck mate :)
 
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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#4
Man oh man. Your not gonna like this part, but seeing as how you are both Christians, you need to break this relationship off PRONTO! No friendship no nothing. Doesn't the Bible refer to something that if either of you are already thinking(?!) the act it's just as bad as doing it? Religious reasons aside, do you really wanna be THAT guy? I think you should completely remove yourself from the scene and as a parting gift give her Dr. Phil's Relationship Rescue for her and her hubby to work things out. Do you really want your God looking at you and saying, "YOU BROKE UP ONE OF MY SANCTIFIED MARRIAGES?"

just my two cents worth,

koooky
 
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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#5
Thanks for all of your advice, but...I wish it were that easy. I can't just break off the friendship...for one, I'm the only close friend she has, and two, she's the closest friend I've ever had. I know I can't take it any further for her while she's married...I would never dream of becoming "that guy"...but I wonder sometimes. And I know that I should just be friends with her, and that's what Im trying to do...we've never done anything innappropriate together...and like I said, she doesn't believe in divorce, so I honestly doubt anything will ever come of this...but I just don't know how to handle it. I love being around her, she makes me feel like I'm something worthwhile, but...how can I find the right girl for me when every time I find a girl, I'm the "friend"? That's the story of my life at this point...I'm always "the friend." Any advice?
 
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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#6
Man, some guys just can't be helped. You obviously wanted advice to begin with or you never would have posted. You get said advice, can it and want more??? Look at it this way, If YOU were the one that was married would YOU want YOUR wife hanging around some guy all the time? I got news for you, if you were hanging around MY wife all the time, nothing for nothing pal but you'd get warned to stay away from her. You see, one of a man's basic instincts is to protect and possess his woman. Sure that is sexist but that's the way it is. And guess what, a woman LOVES it. She loves to feel safe and protected because of her man. Once again, think about it really hard, would you REALLY want some dude, know him or not, hanging around YOUR wife all the time? You've been close friends with her 3 months and she's the best friend you ever had? How old are you? 3 months is not that long to get attached to anything. Hell, I got stuff in my freezer older than 3 months. I'm telling ya man, don't walk away RUN! It'll be best for all three of you in the long run. Then, let's say in x amount of time she calls you and says she has left her husband and has ABSOLUTELY NO TIES whatsoever and the divorce papers are neatly packed away in her safe or file cabinet or shoe box under the bed, THEN you can be and FEEL like the bigger man because you backed off and gave her the space she needs to figure things out. See what I'm getting at? If it was meant to be, eventually it'll work out and the time apart will be best for both of you, if it's not meant to be, you'll save yourself an ass beating when her husband gets tired of hearing about you.

uncle koooky
 
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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#8
I can't, dude..I'm 17 years old...and I know you think that you can't become attached to something in three months, but you're wrong...at least, about me. I love being friends with this girl, and it's hard for me to consider just abandoning her. The key here is that we haven't done anything, and we definitely won't do anything. I don't WANt her to get a divorce, I just...I want to get rid of the attraction part and just be her friend. But I don't know how to do that, and that's what I'm asking for.
I can't just cut her off from my life, she's too important to me to do that. She knows how I feel, and she says it's just natural for a guy to eventually feel that way. She also says that she still thinks her and her husband are meant to be together, and taht she still loves him, even if they are drifting apart. He's fine with me, because I actually talk to him, not just her, when we're hanging out, and I look him in the eyes (I look everyone directly in the eyes while I talk to them.) I'm not canning the advice I was given before, I was saying it wasn't applicable because I can't just drop her.
 
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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#9
This is what I would do if I was in your position. By the way, I dont have any rules or morals or whatever

Get her to divorce, then get with her.

you only live once, might as well enjoy it
 
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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#10
Andithilion, if you are convinced you want/need to be friends with this girl, then use her to your advantage. Get her to help you choose clothes, update hairstlye etc, that is get you as good looking as you can. Then get the ebook "double your dating" off kazaa and read it a half dozen times. It will explain how you need to change your dating mindset and answer a lot of questions about relationships and how to get more.

Seriously, that ebook will start to open your eyes. Also sign up for the newsletter at www.doubleyourdating.net
 

penguinsfan

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"Long, complicated story...just for input."
#11
Andithilion said:
I can't, dude..I'm 17 years old...
Andithilion, I am sorry but you must be 18 years old to post here. As a moderator, I had to close your account. I set this ban to expire just after your 18th birthday. I hope you will rejoin our community at that time. We would welcome you back, but for now must ensure that we comply with all rules and regulations.

Good luck with the situation you discussed here.
 
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