Jokes - Get as dirty as you can

DLD

doublelongdaddy
Staff member
revenge is the best

One day a husband and wife were in the bathroom,The wife was getting out of the shower and the husband grabs her boobs and says "If these were firmer you wouldn't need a bra."
The wife was repulsed by his behavior and ignores him.

The next week the teo are again in the bathroom and while the wife was getting out of the shower he grabs her ass and says "If your ass was firmer you wouldn't need a girdle."

The wife is now pissed and is ploting her revenge.

One day a week later the husband is getting out of the shower and the wife grabs his dick and says "If this was a little bit bigger I wouldn't need your brother."
 

DLD

doublelongdaddy
Staff member
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What's That Mean?
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One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard. Their son walked in and said "whats that mean?" the parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen. The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick" their son walked in and asked "whats that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats. On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "whats that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using. Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again ther kid came in and said "whats that mean?" the mom said thats was what she was doing to the turkey, then the door bell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey!
 

sevenisheaven

New member
A teacher is setting an exam for her class, and the day before, she tells them, "This exam is the most important one this year. Your final grades depend on it. I will not accept ANY excuse, short of death or serious personal injury for not turning up to do the test tomorrow."

A smartass at the back of the room, always wanting to look cool, puts his hand up and asks "Miss, would I still have to do it if I was suffering from serious sexual exhaustion?"

After the class has calmed down from this, the teacher cooly replies, "Of course. You can always do it left handed."
 

sevenisheaven

New member
Just a quick one...

Did you hear about the man who was admitted to hospital cos he couldn't stop masturbating? He discharged himself after 24 hours
 
....one day a man his wife and their 8 kids were waiting at the bus stop for the bus .....while they were waiting a blind man walks up and begins to wait for the bus also .. when the bus gets there the woman and kids get on first ...well at that point the bus was full ....the husband ask the blind man" would you like to walk with me to town instead of waiting for the next bus "..the blind man said he would and off they go ....well as they walked the blind man tapped his walking cane side to side ...tap tap tap .....after about 10 mins. of this non stop tapping the husband looks over at the blind man and angrily asks "couldn't you put some rubber on that stick so it wouldn't make so much noise ?".....well the blind man stops walking and turns toward the husband and said "if you would have put some rubber on your dick we would be on the BUS now instead of out here WALKING our ass to town ...."
 
once there was this 17 yr old blonde virgin girl ...very pretty but she wasnt the brightest girl you ever want to meet .....well it was a hot day and she wanted some ice cream but she didnt have any money ...so she had an idea ...so the next man she saw walk by ..she said to him " mister if you give me a dollar to buy me some ice cream i'll do whatever you want .." so the man thinks for a sec. the agrees ..he takes her down the alley and pulls her skirt up and has his way with her ....she gets her ice cream and goes on ...well a few hrs. later she wanted some more ice cream...but she thought that it hurt to much for a dollar so the next man she sees she goes up to him and says " mister you give me two dollars ..i'll do anything you want .." well the man agrees and takes her down the alley and has his way ....so again she has gotten her ice cream .....well that evening before she goes home she think about getting some more money for some more ice cream ...so ....the next man walks by ...and by now she has gotten a little sore so she says i have got to get more money this time ...so she tells him .."mister you give me five dollars and you can do anything you want to me .." he agrees and carries her down the alley and . has his way with her ....now she goes and buys herself a banana split ...she sits down and starts eating it and about the time she is half thru ...she stops thinks for a second ....then lifts up her skirt looks at her pussy and says ........" YOU MONEY MAKING SON OF A BITCH IF YOU HAD TEETH I WOULD GIVE YOU A BITE TOO.........."
 
one day three 10 yr old boys were sitting on the side walk ...when across the street 2 limo's pulled up ...one of the boys said "when i grow up i want to be a dr. so i can buy me a limo like that black one "....well another of the boys said .."when i grow up i want to be a lawyer so i can buy me a limo like that white one ".....well then the third boy spoke up and said "when i grow up i want to have hair all over my body ..!!! "...the other 2 boys said "WHY??"...then the third boy said " BECAUSE my sister only has a little patch of hair between her legs, and she owns both of them limo's !!!!!"
 
one day an elderly lady goes into a drs. office .....she goes in and tells the dr. "i have bugs down in my panties ..."the dr. checks her out ...then leaves the room...he comes back in a few mins. and tells her " ma'am you have gotten yourself a STD !!"....to which the lady replies ..."dr. i am sorry but you are wrong ...i am 97 yrs old and proud to say that i'm still a virgin !!!!"....so the dr. refers her to another dr. .... the same thing at that one ......he refers her to another dr. ...she goes in and and tells him her problem .....the dr. examines her ..leaves the room ...comes back in and tells her "ma'am you were right you do not have a STD!"...the woman ask him..." well then dr. what is it and what can i do to get rid of it ...i am 97 yrs old and still a virgin ...??" to which the dr. replies "ma'am i know you are 97 and still a virgin ...BUT that is the problem ...those bugs are FRUIT FLIES AND THEY ARE AFTER YOUR CHERRY ......IT HAS ROTTED...!!!!!!!"
 
one day 2 crooked salesmen went to a farmers house to try and sell him anyting they could .....the farmer turned them down on each item they showed him ...then one of the salesmen pulled out a plain white bottle ..and told the farmer they would make anyone be able to talk to animals .....well the farmer didn't believe this so he told the salesman to prove it ....so the salesman walks over to the pigpen and take one of the pills ...he ask the pig what he thought of the farmer ....then the salesman leaned over to the pig as if the pig was whispering something ...then he stands up and says " sir this pig just told me that he provides your family a way to get rid of your scrap food and you never show him any respect ..he would like a bigger pen ".....well the farmer was speachless ...then the salesman said wait the horse wants to tell me some thing ...he repeats the process.....and tells the farmer..." sir this horse says he pulls your wagons for you and plows your feild for you and you wont give him any respect ..that just last week you put up a new shed for the sheep ..and yet you let his shed go with out a decent roof "....well the farmer just had to have some of those magic pills ...and the salesman told him how much they were ..and the farmer went into the house to get the money ...while the farmer was gone the 2nd salesman asked the first one how he did that ...because he knew that bottle was just plain asprins..and the first man told him "i just looked for the obvious ...the pig was in a pen that was way to small for an animal his size ...and the horses roof as you could tell was in dire need of repair....and while we were walking over to the horse i noticed the new shed in the sheeps pen" ........ well as they were talking they walked over to the sheeps pen to look at the new shed an admire the cleanliness of the pen and sheep .....well no sooner than they got to the sheeps pen the farmer came back out side and saw the 2 men down at the sheep pen the man just said to the farmer "we are just over here talking to the sheep about their nice new shed "....well the farmer took off running to the men and said " well i dont know what them damn sheep told you ...but everyone knows a sheep aint nothing but a damn liar ...cause i aint never fucked one of them sheep in my life..."
 

DLD

doublelongdaddy
Staff member
Originally posted by AfterTheShock
....one day a man his wife and their 8 kids were waiting at the bus stop for the bus .....while they were waiting a blind man walks up and begins to wait for the bus also .. when the bus gets there the woman and kids get on first ...well at that point the bus was full ....the husband ask the blind man" would you like to walk with me to town instead of waiting for the next bus "..the blind man said he would and off they go ....well as they walked the blind man tapped his walking cane side to side ...tap tap tap .....after about 10 mins. of this non stop tapping the husband looks over at the blind man and angrily asks "couldn't you put some rubber on that stick so it wouldn't make so much noise ?".....well the blind man stops walking and turns toward the husband and said "if you would have put some rubber on your dick we would be on the BUS now instead of out here WALKING our ass to town ...."

HA HA HA HA HA HA:D
 

C-Guy

Member
This man comes home from work and finds his wife nude in front of a mirror admiring her breasts. The man asks what the hell she is doing? She replies that her Dr. told her that day that she had the breasts of an 18 year old. The husband asked sarcastically...what did he have to say about your 55 year old ass? To which she retorted.. sorry honey he didn't even mention you today!
 

C-Guy

Member
A beautiful lady comes in to the bedroom one night and tells her husband that she wants breast enlargement implants. The frugal man responded that hers were perfect as they were and that they couldn't afford that expense. The lady told him she was insecure and had always wanted this procedure. The man says well go get a wad of toilet tissuse and stuff it between your breasts every night before you go to sleep. She asked what good could that posssibly do.. He says Hell I don't know but look what its done for your ass!
 

C-Guy

Member
A kindergarten teacher asked her class one day. How will God take you when HE comes for you?

A little girl up front replied ... by the hands. The teacher asked why she believed this. She said because when we pray we fold our hands and when HE comes He will just grab our hands and take us out.

No yelled a boy at the back of the room. Hes gonna grab us by the legs.. The teacher asked him to explain why. He said cause i went in mommies room last night. She was in bed with her legs up and was screamin ... God i'm coming i'm coming.. If daddy had not been on top pinning her down she would have been gone last night!
 

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