Tough Time Moving On/My Life Is messed up

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X-Raided

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Well to make a long story a little less long....

I was with my ex for almost 3 years,and she is carrying my son(wich will be here in less then 2 months)......
We have been apart for about 5 months,due to how I was treating her....plain and simple i was fucked up alot,but only when she did things that wernt right...now she moved with her mother down to south dakota.....keep in mind iam in cali....

I mean I love her to death,and she loves me.....She wants to try n work on things but she wants me to move there,and I dont think that will happen(cant find a job or apt out there) and iam to used to cali life....Now iam having hella trouble getting her off my mind,to the point where I feel like life aint even worth living(I have though about suicide,but I couldnt put my family thrue it...so noone gots to worry about that) .....Now I wanna be in my sons life but dont think/know how that will go with here being in another state now ,and it being a brand new baby.......

I just need some advice on shit.....
 
love takes truth and sacrafice to work. i mean i'm only 23, been inlove twice and truely inlove only once, and i was broken, much like you to the point of thinking of suicide. so i feel your pain, it hurts a lot and it's hard to get out of the circle of self loathing. why push foward when things fucked up to the point whe're it's at now? is it worth exposing yourself to that chance of getting hurt all over again? now that you know what it feels like to have her in your life and be whole, it feels like shit to feel like just half of yourself again. but yet why risk being hurt again? huge fuckin circle that just drives one mad. so at least she loves you, and at least you have the opportunity to possibly be with her. even if that means moving or frequent visits, idk. if you want her, go for it, if you know she loves you, or if you even THINK she loves you. then go get her, be with her and your kid. and i know there are outside worries as well, jobs, appartments, bills, money...but who knows, maybe that can be worked out? but that's a later step, tell her how you feel, what you jsut said up there (if you haven't already) and see where it gets you. love is being able to be hurt by someone and having trust in them enough to know they wont - sounds corny, i heard it from somewhere but idk. i found it rung true for me, maybe for your too.

i truely wish you luck and i hope that it works out.
 
X-Raided said:
Well to make a long story a little less long....

I was with my ex for almost 3 years,and she is carrying my son(wich will be here in less then 2 months)......
We have been apart for about 5 months,due to how I was treating her....plain and simple i was fucked up alot,but only when she did things that wernt right...now she moved with her mother down to south dakota.....keep in mind iam in cali....

I mean I love her to death,and she loves me.....She wants to try n work on things but she wants me to move there,and I dont think that will happen(cant find a job or apt out there) and iam to used to cali life....Now iam having hella trouble getting her off my mind,to the point where I feel like life aint even worth living(I have though about suicide,but I couldnt put my family thrue it...so noone gots to worry about that) .....Now I wanna be in my sons life but dont think/know how that will go with here being in another state now ,and it being a brand new baby.......

I just need some advice on shit.....
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Not to be pedantic, but only move up there and become involved if you're willing to really make the committment to being a father and a husband. It's the rest of your life (or at least the next 20 years of so for the kid's sake), so don't even bother if you don't think you'll make it that long or can't handle the transition to rural living somewhere like Dakota. Frankly, if you really love this woman and you really do want to raise your son, you'll find a way to make it work despite the inconvenience of relocation to a less than ideal area.

If you're even considering not going for logisitical reasons, then you may want to examine your feelings and think about if being with them really is the most important thing to you - many guys would go through just about anything to be with their families, which is probably how it should be. I'm not trying to pick on you, but you won't be doing them any favors if you go into this half-hearted.

So far as missing her so badly and all, it hasn't really been all that long. You'll recover from that eventually - I'm assuming you're pretty young or she's the first serious relationship you've had if you're this worried about it. Like I said, more important to figure out whether you could actually make the longterm commitment to a relationship that will probably be very difficult at first (new baby, she lives with mom in dakota, which isn't the greatest place for most people, you guys have a rough history and issues, etc).

Only you really know about how you feel about this stuff, so make your own decision, don't let anybody talk you into anything. You won't be doing them or yourself any favors if you go up and there and can't handle it, but if really love her and want to be a dad as much as you suggest then you may wind up with some serious regrets if you stay away and she meets somebody else and settles down.

If she has a child soshe won't want to wait forever because that's not an easy life for her. A stable relationship means a lot more security and if you're not going to be that guy, she'll eventually meet somebody that fits the bill.
 
^^True,and best belive I have been ready to settle down....evn though iam only 20....I proposed to her,we were engaged.....

Its more that Iam having trouble getting out there than anything....I dont really know if it will be possible.....I barely got a APT out here and ive had a job for 2 years down here making decent money.......
 
Hmm, 20 is pretty young but people settle down at that age all the time and it used to be even more common.

So far as getting out there, where do they live? Is it really remote or something? In the age of the internet it's usually pretty easy to find a place to live almost anywhere, there has to be something around, maybe even just a room to rent at first. Another option would be to move to the region or as close you could get for a while until an opportunity opens up in the area.

If you two are reconciled have her ask her family to help you get set up and help find you a job to get started. I don't know what your background is in, but the job market anywhere in that area isn't going to be booming. If you're not looking for a skilled position, probably expect to be doing some intense labor like roughnecking or construction in some pretty shitty weather if you want to make decent money. On the plus side, an apartment or anywhere to live will be much, much cheaper in North Dakota, much more so than anywhere in SoCal.

Anyway if you really want to do this I'm sure you can make it happen. If the only thing holding you back is the difficulty of moving, then you'll find a way to make it happen - make sure you're not using it as an excuse to stay in limbo. If you want to be there then save up your cash, explore every avenue, or open up a dialogue with her about living somewhere else. But don't use the fact that she's somewhere else and you don't feel like moving as a reason to keep this on the backburner.

Like I said before, you can't expect her to wait forever and it sounds like your mind's made up anyway. Just make it happen.
 
Yeah my minds definetly made up....

I have been busting my ass trying to make it out there.....Any job I found I put in apps and requested for apartment apps.....really isnt much within 2 hours of where she lives.
 
Sounds good. Keep in mind that whatever situation you initially set up will probably be temporary. If you two are going to get back together permanently and raise the kid, then chances are she'll want to move out of her mom's place before long. Besides family it doesn't sound like much is keeping her in the area, so she could probably be persuaded to move back to California or at least somewhere a little more hospitable.

I'm not bashing the region, but I've been in places like North Dakota before, and they don't have much to offer unless you're from there or really enjoy rural life. If you guys are free to go anywhere and she doesn't need to stay around her family there are lots of better options. She'll probably realize that once your relationship is straightened out. It looks like you just have to play ball and be where she already is for the short term. As you guys are young it will also be helpful to have her family around when the baby comes along anyway. Plus, I'm sure once you get out there jobs and the living situation will be a little easier to deal with. The internet makes things easy, but not as easy as actually being there and feeling things out for yourself.
 
Yeah, Take care of your kid. Theres nothing like growing up learning that your dad didnt take care of you. I found out I was left by my real dad when I was 3 months old. He didnt want that responsibility. It has really messed me up mentally...Dont do that to your kid. If you love them, then do what it takes to make it work. My 2 cents...;)
 
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