Is it easier for guys

[FemaleInfluence]

hi guys,
I am trying to deal with and come to terms with something that is going on in my life. I could use a male(s) perspective on this.

My parents just recently separated after 28 years of marriage. To make matters worse it was discovered that my Dad had been cheating on my mother for the last 4. My son Paul who lives with them is caught in the middle because my Dad used to take him with him to see these women(yes plural). They told my mom they were camping. My mother is crushed and her self-esteem has plummeted. I want to fix it and can't. But what really confuses me is that my Dad is going on like it doesn't matter. He moved in with his new girlfriend(gagggg) and hasn't looked back. He shows no sign of remorse.

The other thing that is upsetting me is I can count on one hand how many times my Dad has said I love you to any member of our family. Now we find all these emails to other women where he just pours his heart out. I feel like he cheated on all of us.

I love my Dad and want to continue to have a relationship with him, but I am so ANGRY I am afraid to talk to him I don't want to say something that will permenantly(sp?) sever my relationship with him. I am not judging him for cheating, I can't that would make me a hippocite as I am no angel myself(not married). But I can't understand how he can rip our family to shreds and not care. Can anyone shed some light on the way the male mind works.<

 

[opa]

Lol so your bro and your dad where seeing these women together? Jesus christ..that's odd..cant imagine my dad doing such a thing with me. would've been RLY odd..

Well I dont have a mother rly anymore and Im fine with it. After 20yrs of marriage with my dad she left him cuz of rly lame reasons. On that time my dad was in need of help and I gave him all the help I could to cure his damages. A weak way of leaving my dad when he is in the most need of all the love he could get.

My mother is a moron, I dont see her anymore, It wouldnt suprise me if your relationship ends in the same way with your dad. Sorry, but when people is behaving like that they dont deserve to see their own children.

 

[FemaleInfluence]

Lol so your bro and your dad where seeing these women together? Jesus christ..that's odd..cant imagine my dad doing such a thing with me. would've been RLY odd..

Well I dont have a mother rly anymore and Im fine with it. After 20yrs of marriage with my dad she left him cuz of rly lame reasons. On that time my dad was in need of help and I gave him all the help I could to cure his damages. A weak way of leaving my dad when he is in the most need of all the love he could get.

My mother is a moron, I dont see her anymore, It wouldnt suprise me if your relationship ends in the same way with your dad. Sorry, but when people is behaving like that they dont deserve to see their own children.

Not my brother, my son. Paul is 13 and my dad would say they were going camping then go to his girlfriend's house. My son had to lie to my dad's girlfriend because she didn't know my dad was married then he would have to lie to my mother. This separation has been hard on him(my son) because he thinks it's his fault for lying to my mother.

I really want to work through this because I do love my dad. I don't want to take sides, I just need to know if cheating, tearing your family apart and walking away without a second thought is easier for guys or just my dad.

 

[MAXAMEYES]

It sounds as though your father has turned a corner of his own construction; the fact that he has also made your minor son complicit is, to me, even more disturbing.
I can completely empathize with you and I truly hope that you all come out of this situation whole and as undamaged as possible.

Speaking solely as a guy who had been a single dad since '97 after my ex did just about the same thing; I sadly have to tell you that your father's potential for "redemption" is actually pretty grim, as far as my experience leads me to believe.

You, your Mom and your son can never reclaim what he has taken, I'd sincerely suggest that all of you, individually and as a family, work on moving on. I hate to sound like an unholy pessimist, but I've found that, in life, if you prepare for the worst while working for the best, your disappointments are much less severe and your wisdom gained much deeper.

As to what your father's motivations and his subsequent actions may have been caused by; I have no real answer. Long ago I stopped trying to understand WHY people do what they do because, sadly, most of the time those people themselves do not have any explanation, rational or otherwise.

Often people just do what they want because it means some type of gratification, on one level or another; completely selfish and inconsiderate of others. And when someone has willingly abandoned his regard for those around him then he, and only he, is the sole avenue of reclaiming that respect and love for his family. It can't be imposed upon him from the outside. That's a harsh reality, but real it is.

I wish you all the best of outcomes, keep your courage, and patience, strong. You'll need it in the days to come. But remember this; you've got, unfortunately, a lot of company in this situation and lots of support here, for whatever we may be worth.

 

[FemaleInfluence]

Thanks Maxameyes,
All support is appreciated. I am a member of a 12 step program and completely understand that shit happens I am just so frustrated, angry, sad and many other emotions that at this point even I can't name.

 

[hsarge]

Unfortunately parents are human; and unfortunately we cannot solve their problems for them. But we must not carry their burdens for them. Your concern should be your son, first. If your father can't see that involving your son was wrong, and can't explain why he was wrong ,to your son, and apologize to him, he should not have unsupervised time with him. You can help each party by listening or recommending advice; but you can't carry any guilt for the problems or solutions (or lack thereof).

 

[twins172_up]

i'm sorry to hear about the ordeal that you and your family is going through..can't imagine how your mom is doing right now after giving 20+ years to a man that now is acting like he has no feelings or regard for her...i find that it is easier for men to stray for selfish reasons whatever they may be..but if the shoe was on the other foot and your father found that your mother have moved on and found other partners to be intimate with..he would hit the roof...i won't blame it on a mid-life crisis or any other cop out..it is just pure selfishness..no disrespect to your mother but maybe your father just grew tired of his situation with her...but i feel any real man or woman would not go around lying and cheating to satisfy themselves...if their character is strong they would be able to say in words what is lacking and if they feel it is time to move on..then they would express it..they wouldn't go around sneaking around and using a child into their plot...

i know for me it is still hard for me to tell my father exactly what is on my mind..our relationship has been strained from years apart...and a part of me still fear that he may go away all together if he doesn't like what i have to say about his behavior...but if my father was to use my child in any type of negative way that may effect my child in the long run....i would definitely have to address it...you might not have the right to speak to your father about the cheating on your mother but you definitely have the right to speak to your son and let him know what your father did was totally wrong and then speak to your father to let him know what kind of reprecussions his actions may have on your child...good luck with what ever happens.

 

[FemaleInfluence]

Thanks everyone who posted on this. At this point my mom is healing and my son is closing up. I can see that this is affecting him and he won't talk to me. My father now takes him every other weekend and visits every Tuesday and Thursday. I still can't stand to talk to him as I am now very angry and that is pretty much the only emotion I have in this situation. I still can't believe it is happening I just never imagined that my parents would ever separate as they had already been through so much.

FYI any guys in New Hampshire around the age of 50 looking to meet an amazing woman my mom is ready to start meeting people. She looks like me

 

[MAXAMEYES]

I hate to sound like some harbinger of doom, but at 13 your son is just starting to form the beginnings of his adult views. One of which is his view of women, both as fellow human beings, and as how he can/should/will relate to them in his later life.

This experience may serve to objectify women to the extreme (teens deal in extremes, remember) and diminish their intrinsic worth in his eyes. Not only would this be just plain unfair to any women in his life in the future, but may just set him up for repeated heartache and failure as this view would inevitably, constantly clash with the real world in which we live.

You jusy may want to keep an eye on him for any signs of negative behavioral trends, or the beginnings of misogyny.

I hope to Hell I'm wrong, though.

 

[FemaleInfluence]

I hate to sound like some harbinger of doom, but at 13 your son is just starting to form the beginnings of his adult views. One of which is his view of women, both as fellow human beings, and as how he can/should/will relate to them in his later life.

This experience may serve to objectify women to the extreme (teens deal in extremes, remember) and diminish their intrinsic worth in his eyes. Not only would this be just plain unfair to any women in his life in the future, but may just set him up for repeated heartache and failure as this view would inevitably, constantly clash with the real world in which we live.

You jusy may want to keep an eye on him for any signs of negative behavioral trends, or the beginnings of misogyny.

I hope to Hell I'm wrong, though.

It has occured to me that the effects this has on my son could be both negative and extreme, I have been trying to get him to talk to me about it; open up tell me what he is thinking but he just shuts down and that scares me. I hope to hell you are wrong too but my fear is that this is just the beginning.

 

[FemaleInfluence]

well in this case it seems that cheating on your spouse and bringing your 13 year old grandson into is okay and all is well. My cheating father is living with his new girlfriend, my son gets to go there every other week and loves it and my mother has a new boyfriend. WTF!!! why am I the only one that has a problem with this? Any suggestions, comments and SYMPATHY lol are appreciated.