Dealing with a friend's rape.

[harmonic169]

Recently a friend of mine was raped. I'll spare you the details, but the important parts are that she's young (early twenties) and this is the 4th time this has happened. Being her friend I of course want to be there for her, but something this huge... I don't even know where to start!

Knowing this girl and her back story I can garuntee that none of you have been through what she has in your life, so I'm not really looking for advice so much as perhaps some recomendations for books to look up? I'm sure that at least some of you are with women who have been raped (It's sad that I can type that without flinching) so maybe you could ask them on my behalf what a friend could do to try to ease the hurt?

 

[copper_handshak]

Maybe there is a womans support group in your area that you could get her involved in.

 

[harmonic169]

~Nod~ I hadn't thought of that. I'll persue that venue. Thanks, Copper.

 

[philadelph]

I am sorry about your friend and her rough life. There are phone numbers she can call to get help, like 1800 numbers and such.

If she has been raped four times, then she needs to change many of her habits. This includes but is not limited to drinking to excess, being alone with guys, ect. Hopefully she can get through this and all.

But, honestly I don't feel sorry for a girl that has been raped 4 times, unless it was all by strangers and she just happened to be very unlucky. Girls who have been "raped" that many times are often seekers of attention. I am generalizing a lot here and what I said may not necessarily apply to your friend, but you need to think about that.

 

[sikdogg]

The being raped 4 times is a big flag as it shows a pattern... either of behavior that exposes her to violent men or with her choices of men if it was date rape. I would strongly suggest that you advise her to seek couseling because there is a good chance that this isn't the last time.

 

[thenewguy]

my girl was raped a few years ago before she met me, at first i believed her, but when i think about it didn't doesn't make sense really because the guy was 5' @ 100lbs at like 22 years old. he held her down (about the same weight) and took her jeans off and all that while she was lying there, but i could imagine how scared she'd be because she was asleep when he jumped on her...

i think: why didn't you scream or why didn't you knee him or whatever, but she always told me that i will never know how scary it is until is which she is probably right and that makes me cringe thinking about it too... i mean he threatened her with her life and i guess that would be enough to scare me cold if i was her...

i know its hard to know that a female you care for has been violated (again), but that always makes me want to protect her more you know... go out of my way to follow her home sometimes, or stay with her until she falls asleep and things like that...

my girl has never done counceling, but the best thing you can do is be a positive male role model as you have been... get her some protection, a small handgun for her purse or whatever... maybe she could get a permit for it, idk... my girl wants one... i think walking with that will make her feel a lot safer and ease some of the stress of everyday living...

yeah four times, it may just be bad luck, but i am sorry for her having to go through that and i truly hope that it never happens again... if i was a girl, i wouldn't want it done to me...

 

[koooky]

This may sound horribly insensitive, and it's not meant to be. But four times? She should
def. seek some sort of counciling and should also def make some drastic changes in her life if she has been a victim four times. I mean can she change her work or home or stop hanging out with certain people or places? All the counseling in the world may not do her any good if this becomes a repeatable crime.

kook

 

[harmonic169]

Hey guys, thanks for all the input! It's great to know that there are people out there who care; more importantly it's great to hear things from different perspectives than mine.

To begin with, yes, it is a pattern. Looking back on her expirences she hasn't really put herself puropusly in those situations (Like drinking all night in downtown DC or something) but at the same time she, like many repeat rape victims, has a lot of very clear psychological patterns that rapists pick up on; low self esteem, need for attention, etc. (I feel the need to put this in just because I'm a nervous bitch and worry that someone I know might read this: I love this girl to death, and these are not criticisms, just observations. Etc.)

She is currently going to counseling and has been for at least some months. From what I can tell she is very open with her therapist, so that's good. Also from what I can tell her therapist is more of a 'listener' than a 'talker.' So I guess I'll be looking up coping mechanisms and ways to help boost self esteem. And yes, TheNewGuy, I was thinking about getting her a weapon of some sort. She's already trained in Martial Arts, so I was thinking something easy to use, like a push knife. The biggest thing will be getting her out of her house I think, as her mother is apathetic about her health and wellbeing to the point of personal nasuea.

Moving on from this ultra long post, I hear what all you guys are saying, and I appericate it; but you have to appericate that I can't stop her from being raped, only she can. I'm more concerned with helping her to heal from everything that's happened, and that's where I fumble. I can and hold her till she's cried ?all of the tears she's ever had, and I can make her laugh till her belly hurts, but those are just temporary. I guess I just need to figure out what she needs from me right now, and what I can do to help her heal...

 

[mandrake]

Harmonic169,

This might sound weird, but besides therapy, have u tried to get ur friend close to a church group or some sort of spiritual experience where she can "get rid" of those bad feelings, religion is sometimes a good shelter for hurt souls.


I know she wont be able to forget, but I think she might be able to forgive and grow out of this, also , look out with that pattern, as she might fall victim again from the same type of people, I believe that the best prevention she can have is not about carrying a weapon , it is about not attracting that kind of "predators" that have attacked her in the past.

Also, knowing a good, honest,sincere man might help her overcome this fear, but the best part of this, is that ur friend, has a friend like you , and that there are still good people in this world .
I wish u the best for both u and ur friend.

 

[loco]

ok I must ask. What are common situations she puts herself in to be raped 4 times? I mean that is way high compared to most sexual victims. having low self esteem is one thing but is she seeking the wrong kind of attention? and from the wrong people? I mean being at the wrong place at the wrong time by pure chance and being raped 4 times in less than 25 yrs is pretty crazy. I would imagine some behaviour modification/habits may be in order.


harmonic169 at the same time I am sadden your friend has been through this as nobody male or female should be taken advantage of... Penis EnlargementRIOD! and yes I have actually had a male friend who was literally held down by 2 guys while a female took advantage of him. it flat sucks for anyone to have toi go through it.

 

[Pig Benis]

I know someone mentioned support groups, but I don't know if anyone told specifics.

In my town, and I'm fairly sure it's nationwide, there is a group called Contact Rape Crisis Center. I volunteer for them and it's a great group. They have a hotline that the person can call and it's all confidential, no names are asked for or given. Also, if the rape just happened, they go with the rape victim to the hospital and comfort the victim as they are examined. They are usually listed in the phone book, so you can call them and explain your situation.

If you have any specific questions about Contact or need anything, please email me at

musicminor-ity@juno.com

My mom has volunteered with this organization for over 15 years, and my whole family helps this group and their cause. I'm very sorry that this has happened to your friend and I hope that everything works out for the best. Something you can do is just be there for her, and be her friend. You can also go to parties and hang out with her to make her feel safe and make sure nothing happens to her. I have a few girls that I go to parties with so they will be safe, and I also feel good because I know they are safe.


On the same subject, I must warn everyone, both men and women. Date Rape drugs are odorless, tasteless, and barely noticable. All it takes is having your head turned away from your drink for a few seconds. These drugs are used on men as well. Not as much to rape them, though it does happen, but to rob them. I recomend going drinking or to parties with a buddy that always has your back.

Also, this is becoming more prevelent. More and more, Rapist use horse sterilizers as well as the date rape drugs. What this does is it sterilizes the woman that is raped so she can't get pregnant if the rapist doesn't use a condom or it breaks. Keep in mind these are horse sterilizers . They are ment to sterilize horses. This means that the women who this is used on can never reproduce ever again. It destroys her ovaries and she can never have kids again. I just wanted to let everyone know what rapists are doing now, so always, ALWAYS look after your friends and what's going on.