Psychology Tips on dealing with a shy and bashful wife?

O

oolongmonkey

Member
My wife might be the most self-conscious person I've ever met and I think it plays largely into the quality of our sex life. I've had quite a few sex partners in the past and unfortunately intimacy with my wife might be some of the most lackluster I've ever had. We've been together for about 15 years and nothing has changed. We've had fights and conversations about it to no avail. In fact talking about it makes it worse because she gets even more self-conscious and cannot let it go. She likes the lights off, is not vocal at all, nervous to make eye contact, hides her breasts from me and doesn't initiate anything new or novel in our sex life. She's very much like a sex doll and just does whatever I want her to do. She wont ask for a certain position, she wont even try to achieve orgasm or is able to do so. When it comes to talking about sex, I always initiate the conversations and it's clear shes very uncomfortable talking about sex. Furthermore, she holds onto the convo and I believe it makes things worse.

I love her dearly. We have a wonderful relationship otherwise and two beautiful children. I hate that I harbor this resentment towards her though.
Part of my PE journey is hoping that a larger penis awakens something inside of her(I know, I know it's doubtful).

Wondering if you all have any feedback?
 
huge-girth said:
This is strange and a killer for zeal to do PE.
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It is strange. When we first hooked up, her presentation was so odd I had thought that she was abused sexually. Anyways, I love this girl so much I just fear that we'll never have good sex in this relationship. I might add that I don't believe this is an issue of attraction either.
 
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oolongmonkey said:
It is strange. When we first hooked up, her presentation was so odd I had thought that she was abused sexually. Anyways, I love this girl so much I just fear that we'll never have good sex in this relationship. I might add that I don't believe this is an issue of attraction either.
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In some countries, some women are cut and uncut. I hope she wasn't cut.
 
DLD said:
What do you think the issue is?
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Not sure.

I think its a personality thing. She's a very self conscious, attractive girl. The type that wont leave the house if she is having a bad hair day. She had this horrible fear of being embarrassed. Unfortunately this excessive personally quirk is bleeding into the bedroom. Oh well, I love her to death and we have a great relationship. Sex isnt the end all be all.
 
oolongmonkey said:
Not sure.

I think its a personality thing. She's a very self conscious, attractive girl. The type that wont leave the house if she is having a bad hair day. She had this horrible fear of being embarrassed. Unfortunately this excessive personally quirk is bleeding into the bedroom. Oh well, I love her to death and we have a great relationship. Sex isnt the end all be all.
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At the end of the day it's up to you to place/enforce boundaries and likewise what you'll compromise on. So if you're willing to live with it OK, if not reevaluate your relationship and what each of you want out of it (not saying break up, at 15 years you've no doubt invested a lot.) Have you considered or gone to couples therapy or a sex therapist (the real kind not the adult entertainment fetish)? Someone trained on how to mediate situations like these could be beneficial.
 
kommando said:
At the end of the day it's up to you to place/enforce boundaries and likewise what you'll compromise on. So if you're willing to live with it OK, if not reevaluate your relationship and what each of you want out of it (not saying break up, at 15 years you've no doubt invested a lot.) Have you considered or gone to couples therapy or a sex therapist (the real kind not the adult entertainment fetish)? Someone trained on how to mediate situations like these could be beneficial.
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These were my thoughts exactly. There’s nothing wrong with trying to convince her to talk to a therapist. Perhaps she has concerns that can be addressed by speaking with someone to give you both a better quality of life.
 
@Omonkey. I had a very similar wifey situation. We fought for years, she never got it, she never changed until the below happened. My wife didn't give me head for 13 years! But guess what in the last 10 months she has gone from 20% to 110%. She has become a better than por star material. A couple of things I will tell you that helped me.

1. You have to trim like you are about to get the best Blowjob of your life
2. You have to workout, or if you workout, you have to focus on what she likes. Let's say she likes big arms but you insist on being a runner to be fit, come on. Do what she wants, my wife wanted arms, glutes and then chest in that order. I did that order! I'm having the best sex of my life.
3. Do the cum cocktail - vitamins that increase your cum, when she feels that, she will feel IT!
4. #4 should have been #1 for me. You have to tell her what you want, if she doesn't do it, that's on her but you cannot for another day of your life hold back anything. Tell her every fantasy you have, tell her what you wish she would do. Separate being a mom and being a hot piece of ass that you always want to fuck.
5. Tell her what you like. I got pissed with wifey one day wearing sweat pants at home. I told her, I want to see her HOT at all times at home. She could go out to the world looking like trash but in my house I want to see you hot. I started throwing away the clothes I didn't find sexy all underwear and bras that are not sexy as fuck get trashed, I also told her, that shit is not cute. She wears these tight shorts around the house daily now. I want her to know that I will fuck her anytime I want and that this is my house this is not your mom's house, at this house, you will get mounted at any time and you need to look hot for me. This also goes both ways, she can only buy clothes for you that she would want to pull down your pants and give you a blowjob, I took all my clothes out of the closet and laid it on the bed, I asked her what she would suck me with, everything she does not like got donated. NO exceptions, I only want to wear clothes she want to fuck me in.
6. New rule! each person needs to initiate sex at least once a week. That's a rule now in our house. I wish I would have done that when we got married.
7. Bromelain, you have to make sure you taste great if you are sticking your cock in her mouth, that's on you
8. You have to tell her that she needs to research how to give great blowjobs, she needs to research that on her time. But tell her you will do something special for her if she does. You also need to up your head game, and research an extra 40 hours on how to go down on her better.
9. Spa night and Massage night. Our routine is Sundays are massage night, we bought the massage headrest to go on to our bed, I give her the head to toe massage every week 30-45 min, once I am done and she is lying on her stomach, I put on that c-ring and give her that D. Spa night on Thursday, we shower together and scrub each other down. Once she is nice and clean, I put her on the bed and I suck that pussy
10. Last but not least, PE! Yes, it is true "My bigger is better" get that gain, pump, use the cockring and she will go from 80% to 98% gasping for that dick.
** Bonus, she likes the lights off, fine with me. Have her wear the sleep mask. You need to turn her mind off, that is the only way she will explode sexually. Tell her that her breasts are not her's they are yours. Tell her to wear heels during sex and you will buy her something she wants but you want to fuck her in heels all the time.
 
bemorethanbig said:
@Omonkey. I had a very similar wifey situation. We fought for years, she never got it, she never changed until the below happened. My wife didn't give me head for 13 years! But guess what in the last 10 months she has gone from 20% to 110%. She has become a better than por star material. A couple of things I will tell you that helped me.

1. You have to trim like you are about to get the best Blowjob of your life
2. You have to workout, or if you workout, you have to focus on what she likes. Let's say she likes big arms but you insist on being a runner to be fit, come on. Do what she wants, my wife wanted arms, glutes and then chest in that order. I did that order! I'm having the best sex of my life.
3. Do the cum cocktail - vitamins that increase your cum, when she feels that, she will feel IT!
4. #4 should have been #1 for me. You have to tell her what you want, if she doesn't do it, that's on her but you cannot for another day of your life hold back anything. Tell her every fantasy you have, tell her what you wish she would do. Separate being a mom and being a hot piece of ass that you always want to fuck.
5. Tell her what you like. I got pissed with wifey one day wearing sweat pants at home. I told her, I want to see her HOT at all times at home. She could go out to the world looking like trash but in my house I want to see you hot. I started throwing away the clothes I didn't find sexy all underwear and bras that are not sexy as fuck get trashed, I also told her, that shit is not cute. She wears these tight shorts around the house daily now. I want her to know that I will fuck her anytime I want and that this is my house this is not your mom's house, at this house, you will get mounted at any time and you need to look hot for me. This also goes both ways, she can only buy clothes for you that she would want to pull down your pants and give you a blowjob, I took all my clothes out of the closet and laid it on the bed, I asked her what she would suck me with, everything she does not like got donated. NO exceptions, I only want to wear clothes she want to fuck me in.
6. New rule! each person needs to initiate sex at least once a week. That's a rule now in our house. I wish I would have done that when we got married.
7. Bromelain, you have to make sure you taste great if you are sticking your cock in her mouth, that's on you
8. You have to tell her that she needs to research how to give great blowjobs, she needs to research that on her time. But tell her you will do something special for her if she does. You also need to up your head game, and research an extra 40 hours on how to go down on her better.
9. Spa night and Massage night. Our routine is Sundays are massage night, we bought the massage headrest to go on to our bed, I give her the head to toe massage every week 30-45 min, once I am done and she is lying on her stomach, I put on that c-ring and give her that D. Spa night on Thursday, we shower together and scrub each other down. Once she is nice and clean, I put her on the bed and I suck that pussy
10. Last but not least, PE! Yes, it is true "My bigger is better" get that gain, pump, use the cockring and she will go from 80% to 98% gasping for that dick.
** Bonus, she likes the lights off, fine with me. Have her wear the sleep mask. You need to turn her mind off, that is the only way she will explode sexually. Tell her that her breasts are not her's they are yours. Tell her to wear heels during sex and you will buy her something she wants but you want to fuck her in heels all the time.
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Honestly and compromise is the most happy relationship you will have. Communication is also vital so always be humble and talk things out. Also heed the advice above as it is spot on
 
Sounds like she either came from a very conservative family background, or merely hides behind partial open doors because of fears in criticisms. This is especially true for women influenced under the older conservative generations. I see this a lot. One of my friends would sleep by herself in a different room than her husband. Sex is extremely lackluster, dry and barebone. Stick it in, let him cum, and leave her alone for the next 3 to 5 weeks.

However, communication is more than essential at this point. Never have high expectations and you won't get disappointed. Keep it ultra low as your love should dictate your tolerance of her eccentricity.
  1. A woman is your other half. She might not like sex as much as you do. Talk to her if she does or does not like sex. This needs to be ironed out.
  2. Frequency of sex. If she has no issues with sex, what is her compromised frequency on sexual relationship with you. Once a day, once a week, once a month?
  3. Clear out stigmatism of expectations. Tell her that you will not judge her on any fronts for your sexual relations. Be her body, her appearance, or her performance during sex. When she hides herself behind proper appearances and darkness, that means she's insecured. You, as the leading partner, must clear this air first before anything can happen or progress. If she feels odd with with cuddling, hugging, or hand holding in public, there is a massive underlying condition of trust, confidence, and fears of criticisms. She may have too much rejection and criticism in the past. This will trigger her on every fronts in the relationship.
So, one step at a time. Sex must be the last thing at this moment.
 
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bemorethanbig said:
@Omonkey. I had a very similar wifey situation. We fought for years, she never got it, she never changed until the below happened. My wife didn't give me head for 13 years! But guess what in the last 10 months she has gone from 20% to 110%. She has become a better than por star material. A couple of things I will tell you that helped me.

1. You have to trim like you are about to get the best Blowjob of your life
2. You have to workout, or if you workout, you have to focus on what she likes. Let's say she likes big arms but you insist on being a runner to be fit, come on. Do what she wants, my wife wanted arms, glutes and then chest in that order. I did that order! I'm having the best sex of my life.
3. Do the cum cocktail - vitamins that increase your cum, when she feels that, she will feel IT!
4. #4 should have been #1 for me. You have to tell her what you want, if she doesn't do it, that's on her but you cannot for another day of your life hold back anything. Tell her every fantasy you have, tell her what you wish she would do. Separate being a mom and being a hot piece of ass that you always want to fuck.
5. Tell her what you like. I got pissed with wifey one day wearing sweat pants at home. I told her, I want to see her HOT at all times at home. She could go out to the world looking like trash but in my house I want to see you hot. I started throwing away the clothes I didn't find sexy all underwear and bras that are not sexy as fuck get trashed, I also told her, that shit is not cute. She wears these tight shorts around the house daily now. I want her to know that I will fuck her anytime I want and that this is my house this is not your mom's house, at this house, you will get mounted at any time and you need to look hot for me. This also goes both ways, she can only buy clothes for you that she would want to pull down your pants and give you a blowjob, I took all my clothes out of the closet and laid it on the bed, I asked her what she would suck me with, everything she does not like got donated. NO exceptions, I only want to wear clothes she want to fuck me in.
6. New rule! each person needs to initiate sex at least once a week. That's a rule now in our house. I wish I would have done that when we got married.
7. Bromelain, you have to make sure you taste great if you are sticking your cock in her mouth, that's on you
8. You have to tell her that she needs to research how to give great blowjobs, she needs to research that on her time. But tell her you will do something special for her if she does. You also need to up your head game, and research an extra 40 hours on how to go down on her better.
9. Spa night and Massage night. Our routine is Sundays are massage night, we bought the massage headrest to go on to our bed, I give her the head to toe massage every week 30-45 min, once I am done and she is lying on her stomach, I put on that c-ring and give her that D. Spa night on Thursday, we shower together and scrub each other down. Once she is nice and clean, I put her on the bed and I suck that pussy
10. Last but not least, PE! Yes, it is true "My bigger is better" get that gain, pump, use the cockring and she will go from 80% to 98% gasping for that dick.
** Bonus, she likes the lights off, fine with me. Have her wear the sleep mask. You need to turn her mind off, that is the only way she will explode sexually. Tell her that her breasts are not her's they are yours. Tell her to wear heels during sex and you will buy her something she wants but you want to fuck her in heels all the time.
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Thanks for sharing this. I'm surely saving it for future purpose.
 
bemorethanbig said:
@Omonkey. I had a very similar wifey situation. We fought for years, she never got it, she never changed until the below happened. My wife didn't give me head for 13 years! But guess what in the last 10 months she has gone from 20% to 110%. She has become a better than por star material. A couple of things I will tell you that helped me.

1. You have to trim like you are about to get the best Blowjob of your life
2. You have to workout, or if you workout, you have to focus on what she likes. Let's say she likes big arms but you insist on being a runner to be fit, come on. Do what she wants, my wife wanted arms, glutes and then chest in that order. I did that order! I'm having the best sex of my life.
3. Do the cum cocktail - vitamins that increase your cum, when she feels that, she will feel IT!
4. #4 should have been #1 for me. You have to tell her what you want, if she doesn't do it, that's on her but you cannot for another day of your life hold back anything. Tell her every fantasy you have, tell her what you wish she would do. Separate being a mom and being a hot piece of ass that you always want to fuck.
5. Tell her what you like. I got pissed with wifey one day wearing sweat pants at home. I told her, I want to see her HOT at all times at home. She could go out to the world looking like trash but in my house I want to see you hot. I started throwing away the clothes I didn't find sexy all underwear and bras that are not sexy as fuck get trashed, I also told her, that shit is not cute. She wears these tight shorts around the house daily now. I want her to know that I will fuck her anytime I want and that this is my house this is not your mom's house, at this house, you will get mounted at any time and you need to look hot for me. This also goes both ways, she can only buy clothes for you that she would want to pull down your pants and give you a blowjob, I took all my clothes out of the closet and laid it on the bed, I asked her what she would suck me with, everything she does not like got donated. NO exceptions, I only want to wear clothes she want to fuck me in.
6. New rule! each person needs to initiate sex at least once a week. That's a rule now in our house. I wish I would have done that when we got married.
7. Bromelain, you have to make sure you taste great if you are sticking your cock in her mouth, that's on you
8. You have to tell her that she needs to research how to give great blowjobs, she needs to research that on her time. But tell her you will do something special for her if she does. You also need to up your head game, and research an extra 40 hours on how to go down on her better.
9. Spa night and Massage night. Our routine is Sundays are massage night, we bought the massage headrest to go on to our bed, I give her the head to toe massage every week 30-45 min, once I am done and she is lying on her stomach, I put on that c-ring and give her that D. Spa night on Thursday, we shower together and scrub each other down. Once she is nice and clean, I put her on the bed and I suck that pussy
10. Last but not least, PE! Yes, it is true "My bigger is better" get that gain, pump, use the cockring and she will go from 80% to 98% gasping for that dick.
** Bonus, she likes the lights off, fine with me. Have her wear the sleep mask. You need to turn her mind off, that is the only way she will explode sexually. Tell her that her breasts are not her's they are yours. Tell her to wear heels during sex and you will buy her something she wants but you want to fuck her in heels all the time.
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Great advice! I've been starting to implement some things like this myself. This gives me more ideas. I am curious though. What are some ways you handle the breaking of these rules. I think I'm to understand or passive with the breaking of the rules.
 
@boss. The key to every marriage is not communication it is "No More Hints with what you want." It's not so much about breaking the rules but more about her knowing "this is on her." When you argue and she is still not initiating sex or still not wearing heels to foreplay, she knows it is on her! That's the most important thing, she knows what you like and what you want. Whenever there is an argument there is no question she is in the wrong, she is not hustling, and that is when you are stuck. But like anything she needs to see you do something more that she likes, whatever that maybe, doing the dishes once a week? Giving her a massage? Paying for her to go to a SPA? Pumping that D before sex? She knows if she is not doing her part, she won't get your extras. I used to feel like a beggar asking her to please suck my cock, I told her after one fight, I need this, this is not an option, you need to figure this out. Same thing with her wearing heels or looking hot at home, I need this. You need to negotiate a bit, I told wifey, I would like to give her Anal every few months, but I need BJ's, she hasn't gone in on Anal but she is BJing like a beast (mind you this is with the same person that didn't give me head for 14 years!!!). I would like her to initiate sex 1/2 the time but I will take once a week. I would like heels 90% of the time when you get out of the shower for sex but I will take weekends. Things like that help put your needs in perspective and then she will see what she can do and what you can do for her. This is never finger-pointing because she now knows what you want, always. No more hints on what you expect! You tell her I want a BJ everytime we have sex but I will be ok once a week, why do I need it? I need to feel like a LION so I can provide, this makes me feel like a LION. I want you to be hot at home with tight shirts, shorts and yoga pants, Why? because you not looking hot for me, pisses me off because I find you so attractive.
 
bemorethanbig said:
@boss. The key to every marriage is not communication it is "No More Hints with what you want." It's not so much about breaking the rules but more about her knowing "this is on her." When you argue and she is still not initiating sex or still not wearing heels to foreplay, she knows it is on her! That's the most important thing, she knows what you like and what you want. Whenever there is an argument there is no question she is in the wrong, she is not hustling, and that is when you are stuck. But like anything she needs to see you do something more that she likes, whatever that maybe, doing the dishes once a week? Giving her a massage? Paying for her to go to a SPA? Pumping that D before sex? She knows if she is not doing her part, she won't get your extras. I used to feel like a beggar asking her to please suck my cock, I told her after one fight, I need this, this is not an option, you need to figure this out. Same thing with her wearing heels or looking hot at home, I need this. You need to negotiate a bit, I told wifey, I would like to give her Anal every few months, but I need BJ's, she hasn't gone in on Anal but she is BJing like a beast (mind you this is with the same person that didn't give me head for 14 years!!!). I would like her to initiate sex 1/2 the time but I will take once a week. I would like heels 90% of the time when you get out of the shower for sex but I will take weekends. Things like that help put your needs in perspective and then she will see what she can do and what you can do for her. This is never finger-pointing because she now knows what you want, always. No more hints on what you expect! You tell her I want a BJ everytime we have sex but I will be ok once a week, why do I need it? I need to feel like a LION so I can provide, this makes me feel like a LION. I want you to be hot at home with tight shirts, shorts and yoga pants, Why? because you not looking hot for me, pisses me off because I find you so attractive.
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I have to agree to disagree. Married for 23 years, I will share my side of perspectives while bringing other broken relationships as experience into the mix as well. This is my side only so other brothers can use this as references for their own approaches. Mind you, my marriage was not all sunshine and rainbow sprinkles. It's rocky and stormy half of the time, but it takes lots of work on both our sides to make the marriage work. It's not about one side or the other. Each woman is definitely different. You cannot expect all women to do the same thing as the other are expected to do. They came from different backgrounds, have their own short-comings, and each have her own individuality, just like us brothers. We are not the same, we do not say the same things, and we expect different results. We cannot generalize that all brothers are the same, nor even come close to 40% of the same on all fronts. So, just something to be considered of.

Communication wise, it covers demands as well. Communication is not about, "Oh, I'll do what you want and nothing needed on my side." No, communication covers, "What you want?", "What I want.", "Here's where we need to be." If you think your demands will be fully met because you're bring out the big gun during a non-aggressive argument, you will intoxicate your relationship for a future fail. We witnessed so many long-term 10+ years relationships broken up, so many kids suffered, and trust issues carried over to other relationships that became extremely toxic. This also applied to the kids that grown up to be adults. They carried what they experienced, observed, and suffered through into their relationships a well. I'm consulting over a dozen of these bad relationship young adults and young teens from these broken relationships because their parents, either be one or both, had too much aggressive demands over one another. Be very careful where walk on this ground.

Brothers, I can tell you this. When you start a relationship, it was all about lust, passion, and blind faith to one another. Both of you don't show your fangs and ugly sides until 3 to 5 years later. This is the point where most breakups came up the most. Some couples do tollerate until explosive points aroud 7 to 10 years down the road. This is where my wife and I helped those kids, not the couples, when hell broke lose at this point.

If she stays at home as a housewife, she may have more than enough time to provide your sexual appetite. When young kids are involved, I mean younger than 7 years of age, it's quite demanding. Ever clean the house, make meals, and keep your kids and spouse happy? It's more than a damn 9 to 5 job. I work, I clean, I cook, I take care of the kids just like my wife, and it's practically two jobs in one. If you simply work, come home, expect your household nice and tidy, belly be fed, your dicks be satisfied, and your wife looks prim, sexy, and lustful all the time, you got a hellish road ahead of you. It's even worst if she works to support the household as well. Test her patience, and you'll be paying child and spouse support for the next XX years.

However, you are right to expect and demand specific things. Sexual needs and satisfaction is one of the essential element to make a relationship lasts. Keeping your appearance appealing is another thing. If you need her to look sexy, you better be ready to make yourself handsome at the same time. It goes both way. If you want her to have time for a good fuck, you better make time for her to get herself ready. Be taking over a load of chores, taking care of the kids, or making more money to ease the financial burdens, if you can't give what she needs to make the sexual stimulation time for you, you're not getting it. Just like @bemorethanbig indicated, give her the gold card to buy what she wants, that's satisifying her needs to make herself look presentable to him and the public; making her into a sexy lady through shop-a-holism.

If you think your demand make you into a leading lion of the pride, you know that the pride is not run by the lead lion, but the lionesses, right? In the wild, the lionesses place a strongest male to lead the pride on decision-making, but they control the leading male through providing foods, raising the young, and communicating with other prides. Just like the household, she holds the power over the kids and control the finances behind your back. You won't know what you're getting until you search in the hidden shadows. But to agree with you, my wife has no spending limits on what she wants to make herself looks sexy. She wears tight shorts to accent her ass, braless to entice me with her masssive tits, and wears what I like to see in public (braless and tight clothing in heels). I love seeing her flaunting her body and show me a good time in bed, and in public during our date time, but it will go both way in expectations. Demand too much, it will come back and bite you. Expect too little, and you'll get the minimum. Overall, it all boiled down to proper communication, not aggressive demands.
 
The biggest help for my marriage was listening to the audio book "Come As You Are" by Emily - this radically changed my view about martial intimacy and how everything I was taught about sex was wrong.

Truly opened my eyes about the power of context and context is king.
 
Haursen said:
The biggest help for my marriage was listening to the audio book "Come As You Are" by Emily - this radically changed my view about martial intimacy and how everything I was taught about sex was wrong.

Truly opened my eyes about the power of context and context is king.
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Got a chance to listen to that book (ebook version). Very insightful. Lack a few things from a male perspective as it focuses mainly on the females' sides, their expectations, hope, and requirements. Scared me silly too.
 

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@DLD @squirt_inducer_man are we subjected to material issues for posting published modified content such as ePub (ebook) far removed from the original content? I have the ebook, 2021 edition, "Come As You Are" by Dr. Emily Nagoski. It updated quite a few things from the 2015 edition. Our brothers, those who care to read about the females' sexual preference perspectives, needs, desires, and "What turn us on/off" would benefit them greatly. If allowed, I'll upload the eBook (ePub) for the brothers to read in the media section.
 
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