Let's start from the beginning, I'm 23 my wife is 21. In total we have been dating and married 2yrs. She it's my first gf/wife/sexual experience etc. We meet through Instagram... lol. And we started talking, come to find out she lived 5miles from me. So we talked for a few days then she told me she was married but was not happy and wanted to leave him but didn't have the courage too. So as we continued to talk we really started to like each other, after a week we started hanging out, after 2 weeks we started having sex, Once she finished school she finally left him and divorced him and got with me. After 8 months of dating we got married. Everything was good for awhile, then I started working second shift, we grew distant, didn't have those deep conversations like we used to, everything I said or did was a problem or wrong. Eventually I found out she was talking to some other guy, she admitted it and apologized and I did my best to move on, he was from out of state and they never meet or anything, just talked/flirted. To this day that still bothers me, I can't help that. But recently it's gotten worse, one minute she is happy abd in love with me, the next its "do this or I'm divorcing you" and its perfectly ok for her to do something and if I dint like it it's "get over it" If I wanted to do the same a week later she says "no you're not doing that so get over it, if you do it I'm leaving you" I've been pushed and pushed and pushed away and hurt so much idk what to do. I mean ive doesn't literally every single day and night of the past 2yrs with this girl. We have never spent a day apart. I have so many memories with her, both good and some bad. She's my first love/gf/wife, I still have feelings for her, I still love her but I'm not in love with her, I don't want to break her heart, I'm not that kind of person, I hate to see people hurt but idk if I can take it any longer. I told her the other day maybe we should separate abd she says she's never been so hurt in her life, said she wanted to die etc, but then hours later its "either we are doing this or I want a divorce" I need outside advice, please help.
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well seems like shes good at emotional blackmail man,seems like you are a capable guy whit skills and smart enough, IMO she needs to know that you love her,but maybe she doesnt love you back,maybe you should move forward and have some time on your own,that would help you to see things clearer. just my humble opinion
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I want to qualify myself by saying I am a professional counselor, so what I am saying comes from years of experience doing counseling (specifically for marriage). However, everything I am saying also comes with the extremely limited knowledge of your situation as your described it here in this thread. I was hesitant to engage in a "professional" capacity because of this. So take all of this with a grain of salt regardless, and know that this is not "medical" advice. It is simply a forum bro speaking from experience.
Bro, it sounds like you guys need some marriage counseling honestly. You have a couple red-flags that I immediately see here that would lead me to that conclusion. First, there is the "relationship ransom". This is when one or both partners are demanding a change or they will leave, this is a huge red flag for me that it is time to talk to someone professionally. Second, you've had some infidelity of the heart (cheating does not have to be physical adultery to hurt just the same). Third, you guys started your relationship under very stressful circumstances and it doesn't sound like she ever took the time to stop and decompress from the last relationship and deal with whatever made her unhappy there before you guys kicked off your relationship.
You've probably heard this said before, but I will repeat it regardless. To be happy together, you have to be able to be happy alone. No one person is going to make you happy, no relationship (marriage or not) is going to make you happy. If you are needing something to make you happy, you can't find it in another person. It sounds like to me that your partner is looking for happiness and affirmation of who she is in others, and when she is no longer getting that high from a new relationship, when the "new-ness" has worn off she is ready to move on and find that again.
Of course this does not excuse you either. You need to engage, you need to make time for her. If work is more important to you than your marriage, expect her to stop making it her first priority as well.
Counseling is not a bad thing. Even after 12 years of marriage and multiple children, my wife and I still go talk to one of my peers twice a year. This is just to keep our marriage healthy and ensure we are not allowing issues to build up until they boil over or explode. Counseling is a great tool to work towards a better relationship, just like any tool we use here at MOS to help better our bodies.
Go talk to someone, this relationship is NOT beyond saving, you guys CAN make it through this. The difference is, you just have to decide that you are going to do so. Decide you are going to make it, you are going to work at it, you are not going to quit. If you truly love each other, it is worth it. Any marriage can be saved, any marriage can be GREAT, as long as the desire is there to make it that way.
Hope this helps at least some.
Bro, it sounds like you guys need some marriage counseling honestly. You have a couple red-flags that I immediately see here that would lead me to that conclusion. First, there is the "relationship ransom". This is when one or both partners are demanding a change or they will leave, this is a huge red flag for me that it is time to talk to someone professionally. Second, you've had some infidelity of the heart (cheating does not have to be physical adultery to hurt just the same). Third, you guys started your relationship under very stressful circumstances and it doesn't sound like she ever took the time to stop and decompress from the last relationship and deal with whatever made her unhappy there before you guys kicked off your relationship.
You've probably heard this said before, but I will repeat it regardless. To be happy together, you have to be able to be happy alone. No one person is going to make you happy, no relationship (marriage or not) is going to make you happy. If you are needing something to make you happy, you can't find it in another person. It sounds like to me that your partner is looking for happiness and affirmation of who she is in others, and when she is no longer getting that high from a new relationship, when the "new-ness" has worn off she is ready to move on and find that again.
Of course this does not excuse you either. You need to engage, you need to make time for her. If work is more important to you than your marriage, expect her to stop making it her first priority as well.
Counseling is not a bad thing. Even after 12 years of marriage and multiple children, my wife and I still go talk to one of my peers twice a year. This is just to keep our marriage healthy and ensure we are not allowing issues to build up until they boil over or explode. Counseling is a great tool to work towards a better relationship, just like any tool we use here at MOS to help better our bodies.
Go talk to someone, this relationship is NOT beyond saving, you guys CAN make it through this. The difference is, you just have to decide that you are going to do so. Decide you are going to make it, you are going to work at it, you are not going to quit. If you truly love each other, it is worth it. Any marriage can be saved, any marriage can be GREAT, as long as the desire is there to make it that way.
Hope this helps at least some.
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Let me say this. I have been divorced once and now married for 10 years with 4 kids. My current wife and I were dating while she was still married (separated). That is a bad situation to begin with. The value of marriage is not what is used to be and the d word it thrown around often. My wife and I found Christ and that is the only thing that has made our marriage rock solid. If we were still the same people we were, we would have been divorced years ago.
Counseling is a great tool. As it was said before it is usually a communication barrier that causes issues. You say one thing, she hears another. In addition, a counselor can help you to set boundaries in your marriage. Nothing will change unless you are both willing to change. You are in my prayers brother and I hope that you can find the peace that so many of us need.
Counseling is a great tool. As it was said before it is usually a communication barrier that causes issues. You say one thing, she hears another. In addition, a counselor can help you to set boundaries in your marriage. Nothing will change unless you are both willing to change. You are in my prayers brother and I hope that you can find the peace that so many of us need.
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JakeM82;636191 said:
Aren't you the guy that is supposed to reassure people if they feel they are too small? If I was in one of your sessions you may be like "Stop Whinning" and then flop out a monster. Ugggg...
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givemegirth;636196 said:Aren't you the guy that is supposed to reassure people if they feel they are too small? If I was in one of your sessions you may be like "Stop Whinning" and then flop out a monster. Ugggg...
LOL... it's just showing that success is achievable right?
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So basically she went from one relationship to the next without so much as a break in between? And you met when you were 21 and she was 19? I have to ask, has she ever been single in her life? Does she even know who she is outside of being in a relationship? For that matter, do you? The counselor who told you that you need to be able to be happy alone in order to be happy with somebody else is spot on. Otherwise you have a codependent relationship, and having a codependent relationship when one or both of the people in it are looking to get out and find something else can probably get pretty ugly. I've been there a few times, where we met over the internet long distance and we were both in stages of transition in our lives and needed each other in one way or another. It always ended the same way, with the girl moving on once she had gotten through whatever period in her life she was going through by having me there, after basically being obsessed with me in the beginning. It always kind of bothered me a bit but I never really cared to not let that person go and accept her disappearing on me, until I met the person who I realized I couldn't live without.
Like the other guy said, it's all about if you're both in it and willing to do the work or not.
Like the other guy said, it's all about if you're both in it and willing to do the work or not.
My wife and I are currently going to a marriage counselor. Our problems are not insurmountable but we needed some help to navigate it. I will say this, I have the personality of a 'walk it off' 'don't be a pussy' and punch in the arm type guy. Saying that, I was somewhat reluctant to go. But I will say it has been very helpful and I am glad I have. It has been very informative on my introspective to myself. Glad I am going for sure. Now I will say this, however you handle your situation and it turns out ending in a divorce, at your young age you definately have your entire life ahead of you. I have been divorced, final at age 28, and I turned it into an adventure. It was rough at first but ended up being some very fun times for the next 10 years. This is when I met my current wife. Best of luck however it pans out my brother!
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