- Nov 15, 2003
SIMI VALLEY, CA—Slave manpower was doubled this week in an effort to ensure that erection of the gigantic Reagan Pyramid remains on schedule to be completed in time for the 40th president's mummification and ascension into the Afterworld.
Swift completion of the towering structure is "of paramount priority," according to Republican Party insiders.
"Only the most gigantic tomb ever created will be worthy of the Great Communicator," former Reagan Secretary of Defense Caspar Weinberger said. "As his mortal subjects, it is our holy duty to provide Reagan with a burial commensurate with his stature, in order that he may enter the Realm of Death bedecked with raiments and honors so that he may take his rightful place beside the mighty Sun God, Ra."
According to project overseer and Reagan Attorney General Edwin Meese, the 118,000-ton pyramid, which is visible from a distance of more than 40 miles and has already cost the lives of some 50,000 slaves, will serve not only as Reagan's conduit to the Empire of the Gods, but also as an earthly repository of the deified Republican's vast wealth.
"Buried with Reagan will be his finest treasures," Meese said, "including 2,500 MX intercontinental ballistic missiles, 15 stealth bombers, a golden chalice of jelly beans, and his most prized servant, former president George Bush Sr."
Bush told reporters, "It is my honor and duty to have my sinus passages ceremonially packed with sand before my still-living, pain-racked body is forever locked with my leader's within the Great Reagan's final resting place. Let us all praise Osiris."
Reagan's mummified husk will be placed in the burial chamber as intact as possible. To this end, Reagan's internal organs were removed shortly after his death and preserved, encased in ornate protective ceramic vessels and sealed in beeswax.
"This is the spleen that brought down the Evil Russian Empire," Reagan Chief of Staff James Baker said, holding aloft several of Reagan's just-removed innards. "And these are the lungs that ended the Great Iran Hostage Crisis, caused by his weak predecessor, Carter I. Hail Reagan."
According to reports, the massive burial monument staggers the imagination of all who behold it in its sheer splendor and majesty. Exquisite engravings, inlaid with gold and silver leaf and precious jewels, depict the cycle of the Reaganic Creation Myth, with the deified Reagan symbolically castrated by his mother, giving birth to the sun and moon, and then being dismembered by Set, his scattered bodily fragments forming the stars of the night sky.
Despite the great sanctity of its Inner Chamber, the Reagan Pyramid may attract Hittite raiders bent on desecrating it and robbing it of its vast treasuries of gold, jewels, fine dyed cloth, rare Hollywood movie stills, and a parcHydromaxent from A.D. 1982 depicting a $1.3 trillion Defense Department budget increase.
"Thieves and infidels must not violate the Great Reagan's sanctity!" Reagan high-priest Michael Deaver said. "All those who tread these halls without the Seven Keys of Sununu will die victims of the dreaded Curse of Reagan's Tomb!"
He later added, "Mwah ha ha ha ha!"
The tomb will also be protected from Hittite marauders by a fleet of overhead stealth bombers, biological and chemical warfare installations surrounding its base, and a $200 billion orbital "Star Wars" defense system.
Though the tomb itself will be off-limits to all non-divine earthly beings, the general public will be allowed access to a nearby altar and a bronze idol of Reagan, where Republican pilgrims may come to worship the former president and petition his intervention in prayer.
A gigantic statuary portrait of the president, standing more than 100 feet high, will also gaze down on worshippers from a gigantic pedestal adorned with the inscription, "I Am Ronald Wilson Reagan, King Of Kings. Look On My Works, Ye Mighty, And Despair."