- Joined
- Apr 18, 2004
- Messages
- 2,388
I am currently about five days into PMS week...or, as I like to affectionately think of it, "Hell on Earth" week. I have been married a little over ten years, so I thought I might write a little post to help prepare you younger guys mentally for this challenging component of all long-term relationships. I hope you find this article informative, and that it might arm you for the future, so that you too may one day declare with weary pride, "Yes, I am a PMS survivor."
Like I said, I've been married ten years. That's approximately 120 PMS cycles. That may seem like alot, but after the first thirty or so, you just kind of go numb. I'm saying this to comfort you. Honestly.
They say PMS stands for Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. I think it stands for "Pretty Much Screwed", cause that's what you are. To be honest, there's no way to get out of it unscathed, short of elephant tranquilizers or murder. Actually, now that I think about it, I tried elephant tranquilizers once, and they didn't work. I don't recommend them. I once thought about murder, too, but I was too scared she would get the drop on me.
The first rule of thumb, I suppose, is simply this: "Fear her, if you dare."
She may be the sweetest most innocent petite little chickie, nuturing and feminine and sili, but when those hormones start cranking-- and they will-- you will learn what real fear is. You will sniff your food for poison. You will look under your car to make sure the brake lines weren't cut. You will sleep with one eye open. The best thing to remember is that she probably won't try to kill you, but I ain't making any promises. When the cramps start, rationality goes out the window...with her humanity...and your dignity.
Second: "Know It's Coming."
Forewarned is forearmed...or something like that. My wife usually says this when her PMS is imminent: "Ooh, my scar feels like it's ripping open." She has had two c-sections delivering our children, and she will pull up her shirt and make me examine the little scar on her belly. I'm not sure if she's really hurting, or if she's just trying to make me feel guilty, but that is like my "sure sign." When I hear her say that, the hair on the back of my neck rises. Your woman will give you PMS signals, too, and the best thing to do is learn them...fast...
Another good sign is pre-PMS sex. Women get really raunchy before PMS week. I think evolution designed this into them in order to lull their mates and catch them unawares. If your woman storms into the bathroom while you're shaving and demands to be fucked hard over the sink, or trots into the closet while you're changing a light bulb and gives you an awesome BJ just because you're so sexy, be grateful...but know that "It's" on the way! You never get something for nothing...you're going to pay.
Third: "Roll With the Punches"
Expect anything. Crying jags. Laughing jags. Laughing and crying jags. Violence. Once, my wife stormed into the garage while I was working and threw an electric skillet at me. There was no reason for this action. It just had to be done. She missed-- cause I'm fast and she's a bad throw-- but I got blamed for her electric skillet breaking on the concrete garage floor. I guess I should have tried to catch it, but I was too busy diving out of the way.
Finally, learn to milk her "Post-Menstrual Syndrome Guilt"
The only good thing about PMS is, when it is over, they will feel guilty. The only thing that makes PMS worth living through is the Post-menstrual Syndrome guilt. It lasts about two days. Learn to milk it. When she seems to be getting over the PMS and is no longer frothing at the mouth and throwing small appliances, walk around the house with a haunted, mincing step. Flinch from her when she approaches you. She will feel incredibly guilty. If you are wanting an expensive peice of electronics or want her to do something nasty like ass-to-mouth, now is the time to suggest it, as her post-menstrual syndrome guilt will raise your success rate by something like 30%, guaranteed.
I hope this article helped. If you are in a long-term relationship right now, repeat with me, "I am a PMS survivor." Now exhale.
Like I said, I've been married ten years. That's approximately 120 PMS cycles. That may seem like alot, but after the first thirty or so, you just kind of go numb. I'm saying this to comfort you. Honestly.
They say PMS stands for Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. I think it stands for "Pretty Much Screwed", cause that's what you are. To be honest, there's no way to get out of it unscathed, short of elephant tranquilizers or murder. Actually, now that I think about it, I tried elephant tranquilizers once, and they didn't work. I don't recommend them. I once thought about murder, too, but I was too scared she would get the drop on me.
The first rule of thumb, I suppose, is simply this: "Fear her, if you dare."
She may be the sweetest most innocent petite little chickie, nuturing and feminine and sili, but when those hormones start cranking-- and they will-- you will learn what real fear is. You will sniff your food for poison. You will look under your car to make sure the brake lines weren't cut. You will sleep with one eye open. The best thing to remember is that she probably won't try to kill you, but I ain't making any promises. When the cramps start, rationality goes out the window...with her humanity...and your dignity.
Second: "Know It's Coming."
Forewarned is forearmed...or something like that. My wife usually says this when her PMS is imminent: "Ooh, my scar feels like it's ripping open." She has had two c-sections delivering our children, and she will pull up her shirt and make me examine the little scar on her belly. I'm not sure if she's really hurting, or if she's just trying to make me feel guilty, but that is like my "sure sign." When I hear her say that, the hair on the back of my neck rises. Your woman will give you PMS signals, too, and the best thing to do is learn them...fast...
Another good sign is pre-PMS sex. Women get really raunchy before PMS week. I think evolution designed this into them in order to lull their mates and catch them unawares. If your woman storms into the bathroom while you're shaving and demands to be fucked hard over the sink, or trots into the closet while you're changing a light bulb and gives you an awesome BJ just because you're so sexy, be grateful...but know that "It's" on the way! You never get something for nothing...you're going to pay.
Third: "Roll With the Punches"
Expect anything. Crying jags. Laughing jags. Laughing and crying jags. Violence. Once, my wife stormed into the garage while I was working and threw an electric skillet at me. There was no reason for this action. It just had to be done. She missed-- cause I'm fast and she's a bad throw-- but I got blamed for her electric skillet breaking on the concrete garage floor. I guess I should have tried to catch it, but I was too busy diving out of the way.
Finally, learn to milk her "Post-Menstrual Syndrome Guilt"
The only good thing about PMS is, when it is over, they will feel guilty. The only thing that makes PMS worth living through is the Post-menstrual Syndrome guilt. It lasts about two days. Learn to milk it. When she seems to be getting over the PMS and is no longer frothing at the mouth and throwing small appliances, walk around the house with a haunted, mincing step. Flinch from her when she approaches you. She will feel incredibly guilty. If you are wanting an expensive peice of electronics or want her to do something nasty like ass-to-mouth, now is the time to suggest it, as her post-menstrual syndrome guilt will raise your success rate by something like 30%, guaranteed.
I hope this article helped. If you are in a long-term relationship right now, repeat with me, "I am a PMS survivor." Now exhale.