Government Cheese



Jun 3, 2003
Free Government Cheese Targets American Fat-Asses

The Bush administration unveiled its plan today to revive the vintage Reagan-era program of the giveaway of free "government cheese"-- but this time with a twist : In the vein of delivering massive tax cuts for the wealthy, the cheese will be provided only to the grossly obese.

In a statement issued by the Bush administration, press secretary, Scott McClellan said, "Of course, we could have instituted a program to provide free cheese to the poor like last time, but they'll just eat it. Conversely, the average American fat-ass won't be satisfied with being provided with a paltry chunk of cedar; no, sir-- they'll go right out and buy platter of deli luncheon meats to go with it. Pickles, chips soft drinks, they'll be spending like crazy. Also, we're predicting a surge in sales of the various ingredients to make nachos as well. This is a veritable farm subsidy program. The farm-belt will grow as rich and fat as Oprah's billion-dollar butt."

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McClellan went on to say, "We're trying to go beyond simply providing for a rise in market 'demand'; this administration is trying to establish a market that's based on insatiable 'craving'. Alan Greenspan calls it 'Crackhouse Economics.' And we know he means it in the most positive sense.

"Presently, plans are in the works to provide that crucial first drink to alcoholics, free coffee to insomniacs, free soap to suffers of obsessive-compulsive hand-washing...and free transportation for William Bennett to Las Vegas.

"The Bush administration stands for personal initiative: We're interested in those consumers who take a pro-active approach to their obsessive cravings. We want to spur instant, mindless consumption. The trickle-down to health providers is a big plus, too. Nothing says "good times" quite like a hospital full of clogged arteries!

"It's a no-brainer," he concluded. "Look at what free porn has done for the internet."


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