Couple of funny Jokes

A

Adolf Hilter

Guest
To all those men who complain to their wives about infrequent sex, read on and see how of these problems your wife has, Then read the wife's reply and see how many of her accusations, you have:

To My Dearest Wife,

During the past year, I have attempted to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days. The following is a list of why I didn't succeed more often:

We will wake the kids - 54 times

It's too late - 15 times

I'm too tired - 42 times

It's too early - 12 times

It's too hot - 18 times

Pretending to be asleep - 31 times

The neighbors will hear - 9 times

Headache or backache - 26 times

Sunburn - 10 times

Your mother will hear us - 9 times

Not in the mood - 21 times

Watching the late show - 17 times

Too sore - 26 times

New hairdo - 6 times

Wrong time of the month - 14 times

You had to go to the bathroom - 19 times

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy. Let's try to improve this, shall we??

Love, Your Hubby

-------------------------

To My Dearest Husband,

I think things are a little confused. Here are the REAL reasons you didn't get more than you did this past year:

Came home drunk and tried to screw the cat - 23 times

Did not come home at all - 36 times

Did not come - 21 times

Came too soon - 38 times

Went soft before you got it in - 19 times

Cramps in your leg - 16 times

Working too late - 33 times

You had a rash, probably from a toilet seat - 29 times

Caught yourself in your zipper - 15 times

You had a cold and your nose kept running - 21 times

You had burned your tongue on hot coffee - 9 times

You had a splinter in your finger - 11 times

You lost the notion after thinking about it - 42 times

Came in your pajamas after reading a dirty book - 16 times

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn't want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling. What I said was, "Would you like me on my back or kneeling?" The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air. Maybe you can work on your "shortcomings?" Love, Your Wife
====================================================================


Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport and President Bush strides to a warm and dignified handshake from the Queen.

They ride in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they board a beautifully restored 17th century carriage hitched to six magnificent white horses. They ride towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons. All is going well.

Suddenly the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell was excruciating. Both of them had to use handkerchiefs over their noses.

The fart shakes the entire coach, but the two dignitaries smile on, doing their best to ignore the incident.

Turning to President Bush, the Queen says: "Mr. President, please accept my apology . . . I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."

George Bush, always trying to be "presidential", replies: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. If you had not mentioned it, I would have thought it was one of the horses."
===================================================================
I'm an 82 year old senior. I am darned tired of people treating me like I'm an ignorant young child. Last year, I replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive
double-insulated, energy efficient windows. This week I received a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and that I had failed to pay for them. My gracious, did we go round and round! I told him that no one pulls a fast one on fast one on this
old lady!! Even though I a senior citizen and was a amblonde in my younger days, that doesn't
mean that I am automatically stupid! Proceeded to tell him exactly what his salesman told me last year: "In one year, they will pay for themselves!"
==============================================================
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.
===============================================================
A guy walks into a backwoods bar in Arkansas and orders a glass of white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up expecting to see some pitiful Yankee queer.
> > The bartender looks up and says, "You ain't from around these parts, are ya? Where ya from boy?"
> > The guy says, "I'm from Illinois."
> > The bartender asks him, "What the heck do ya do in Illinois?"
> > The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
> > So the bartender asks him, "A taxidermist? Now just hold on there, what the heck is a taxidermist?"
> > The guy nervously answers, "I mount animals."
> > The bartender starts to laugh, slaps the bar, grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "Its okay boys, he's one of us!"
==============================================================
The wife is not speaking to me
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather
large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back,
and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are
a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?"
The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all
you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!"
Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got
a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool
unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
================================================================
The Americans have their superior "HOMELAND SECURITY" protocol and were displeased with the Canadian security coverage under the previous federal administration.
There has been a "changing of the guard" on the federal political scene and henceforth this new security protocol was issued to safeguard the fine upstanding citizens of Newfoundland, Quebec and the rest of the land.
It is imperative to commit this to memory and be able to use it flawlessly at the drop of a Molson Canadian beer cap.

Subject: Cdn. Impostor (oh Canada...)

As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there.
If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement - and then carefully note their reaction:
"Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at
the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to
the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted
everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave
me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields
and a touque at the time. And the Mountie, he's all chippy and everything,
calling me a "shit disturber" and what not. What could I say, except, "Sorry, EH!"
If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they're one of us.
If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not
a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.
The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different Canadianisms.
In order:
* pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the government
for not working.
*micky: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other
hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name,
is still a Canadianism through and through.)
* C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with "hockey
stick," another kind of Canadian Club.
* beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians.
* skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers, (Snow-Mobiles)
* muskeg: Boggy swampland.
* duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants
- each trying to pretend the other doesn't exist while at the same time managing
to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada's french and English.
* deke: found in the dictionary as a "skillful misdirection." As a noun,
it is used most often in exclamatory constructions, such as: "Whadda deke!"
Meaning, "My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing
misdirection and guile."
* chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto
the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton,
much to the pleasure of Calgarians.
* Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart.
Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)
* snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner;
non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of "did sneak." (We think.)
* ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its
inconspicuousness.
* impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective
(the alternative adjectival from of "impaired" being "pissed to the gills").
* S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.
* Stanfields: Men's underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton ones
with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front and back!
* touque: Canada's official National Head Apparel, with about the same
suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields
* chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly
looking for a reason to find offense; from "chip on one's shoulder."
(See WesternCanada) shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur.
According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary,
"shit disturber" is a distinctly Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada
is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do fine.)
* * * please distribute to all your patriotic Canuck friends, eh! * * *
=================================================================
Subject: Laws from a different age
>
>

>> > Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who
>> > dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio
>> > show. Recently, she said that, as an observant
>> > Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination
>> > according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned
>> > under any circumstance. The following is an open
>> > letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident.
>> >
>> > Dear Dr. Laura:
>> >
>> > Thank you for doing so much to educate people
>> > regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal
>> > from your show, and try to share that knowledge with
>> > as many people as I can. When someone tries to
>> > defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply
>> > remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an
>> > abomination. End of debate.
>> >
>> > I do need some advice from you, however, regarding
>> > some of the other specific laws and how to follow
>> > them.
>> >
>> > 1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I
>> > know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord -
>> > Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the
>> > odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
>> >
>> > 2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as
>> > sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what
>> > do you think would be a fair price for her?
>> >
>> > 3. I know that I am allowed no contact with any
>> > woman while she is in her period of menstrual
>> > uncleanliness -Lev.15:19-24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have
>> > tried asking, but most women take offense.
>> >
>> > 4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess
>> > slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased
>> > from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that
>> > this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Can you
>> > clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
>> >
>> > 5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the
>> > Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put
>> > to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?
>> >
>> > 6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating
>> > shellfish is an abomination - Lev.11:10, it is a
>> > lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't
>> > agree. Can you settle this?
>> >
>> > 7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the
>> > altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to
>> > admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to
>> > be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
>> >
>> > 8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed,
>> > including the hair around their temples, even though
>> > this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How
>> > should they die?
>> >
>> > 9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of
>> > a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play
>> > football if I wear gloves?
>> >
>> > 10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by
>> > planting two different crops in the same field, as
>> > does his wife by wearing garments made of two
>> > different kinds of thread cotton/polyester blend).
>> > He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it
>> > Really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting
>> > the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16.
>> > Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private
>> > family affair like we do with people who sleep with
>> > their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied
>> > these things extensively, so I am confident you can
>> > help.
>> >
>> > Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is
>> > eternal and unchanging.
=====================================================
The Mule

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's
fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,' asked the lawyer.


Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my
favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the
question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was
driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish
the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway
Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the
accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please
tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said
to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite
mule, Bessie"

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just
loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down
the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and
smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie
was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in
terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway
Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so
he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot
her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun in
hand, looked at me, and said "How are you feeling?"

"Now what would you say?"
=============================================================
A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping
on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for awhile and asks,
"Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?
What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care. I just came from having a mammogram
and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18-year-old.
"The husband said, "What did he say about your 55-year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
==========================================================
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger said, "I do, Why?" The cowboy said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!" The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was about to die from heat exhaustion.The Lone Ranger got water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turns to Tonto and said, "I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to help cool him down."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and begins running circles around Silver.
Unable to do anything except wait, the Lone Ranger returns to the bar to finish his drink.
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse out side?" The Lone Ranger stands and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says, "Nothing, but you left your Injun running."
=========================================================
Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to
Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him
and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her
hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny,
you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies
"In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.

You'll need to support Jenny."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance...Jenny makes 5 bucks a
week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that
should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to.

After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got
everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you.

What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far..."

Mr.Smith fainted...
========================================================
Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.
"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty-two- year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?" The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...
*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him." "That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver." "EXACTLY!"
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