Conversation Dynamics


Jun 3, 2003
Chapter VII

Key Points:


Instant Eye Attraction: It's All In The Eyes

The Overwhelming Effect of Small Talk


Conversational skills will make you, and lack of them will break you. You may be the homeliest guy on the planet, but if you're good with words you can still have some serious game with women. It's not hard to be good with words - just pay attention to what you say and how you say it. Speak audibly - don't mumble or stutter, and put life into your hello's and goodbyes.

It's All In The Eyes

Most people (by far the vast majority) don't realize it, but your eyes give effect to much of what you say; and when it comes to conversation with women, your eyes can be the magic words to creating attraction. Your eyes reflect mood, and mood is usually infective.

Before we go any further, though, test this out for yourself. Go stand in front of a mirror. Now, as if you're an actor, pretend to be suddenly angry. Look at your eyes: Do you see how they change - your eyes reflect your anger. Now take notice of your facial expression. This is what people see on your face when they see you angry. Now attempt to feel sad - your eyes should now reflect sadness. Notice your facial expression? This is what people see when you're sad. What about happy? Cocky? Bored? Serious? Lost? In awe? Confused? Nervous? Confident? Aggressive? Shy? Laid-back?

Of the wide range of human emotions, all can be reflected in your eyes. And, like an actor, each emotion can be faked by simply focusing on presenting each emotion in your eyes. The emotion's respective facial expression will follow.

Where is this going? Well, keep reading.

You've probably heard the term poker-face before. Poker-face represents a person's ability to conceal their emotions during a game of cards, especially when large bets have been wagered. Let's say you're dealt a hand that is a sure winner; and because it is, you want as much money wagered as possible. But if the other card players at the table can read your excitement at having such a great hand, they may get scared and either place small bets, or simply fold their cards and drop out. So to keep them unaware of your great hand, you hide your excitement with a blank face, and maybe even take it one step further by appearing subtly disappointed. You're careful not to overdo it, though, because then it might be obvious that you're faking.

In regards to conversation with women, we use a poker-face to cloak the true emotions we may be feeling - not with a blank face, but with an entirely different emotion altogether. Do you feel shy? Focus on your eyes and cloak it with confidence. Are you nervous? This is another emotion easily cloaked with an appearance of confidence. In the case of shyness or nervousness, confidence is your poker-face.

And it's all in the eyes.

But simply appearing confident with your eyes isn't enough to create attraction. With your eyes you want to tantalize, tease, be playful, flirt, entice, charm. Now get back in front of the mirror and think along these lines. It's probably not going to be easy at first. These are emotional mind sets that most guys aren't familiar with. Have you known any guys that are great at flirting with women? Think about how their eyes reflected playfulness and charm. This is the effect that you want to capture. All you have to do is practice and it will eventually come naturally.

Humor and a sense of fun are some of the most powerful aphrodisiacs in the world, which is a key point you need to know to realize why appearing playful in your eyes creates attraction in women.

By using your eyes to entice and charm, you're avoiding the most common facial expressions that women are turned off by - or rather, aren't turned on by. Appearing too serious, too comical, too tough, too cool, macho - these are appearances typical of the average guy that turn off most women. Appearing "playful" sounds like a childish term, but when it comes to attracting women it can be the deadliest weapon in your arsenal. To women, playfulness says a lot about you. You're fun. You're confident. You're at ease around women. Obviously you're used to being successful with women because otherwise you wouldn't have such a playful approach. You're a flirt. You're a tease. . .

Pay attention to the effect you're having. Your eyes are such a powerful tool, that it only takes seconds to initiate an attraction. In the end, playful eye contact, when used in the right amounts (not too little and not too much) can seriously mess women up.


"Once you've been prejudged, it's that much easier to create the effect that you're after. Notice that we used the word "probably" in the above paragraph? We use the word "probably" to represent the other person's expectations. This is what he or she expects. And because they expect it, now it's that much easier to give it to them."

- The Seven Elements of Charisma

When you flirt with women you've just met, not only do you demonstrate confidence and playfulness (a very effective combination), but you also give off the impression that you're ACCUSTOMED to flirting with women, which makes you a challenge in a way. When you're at ease around a woman, her imagination tells her that: a) You're at ease around other women, which makes you a product probably in "demand". b) You're able to take women for granted, probably because you're used to being pursued by women. This all adds up to make you an intriguing person and someone worth getting to know more about.


Once you've broken the ice with an effective opening, you can pretty much say whatever you want, as long as you remember some simple guidelines:

Listen attentively to what she has to say - not only are you giving her the impression that she can "talk to you about anything" (a rare trait in men that many women are attracted too), but you're also picking up on key phrases that she's using, which makes it easy to keep the conversation going.

As you're listening attentively and picking up on key phrases that she's using, look for opportunities to sprinkle in some background information about yourself. Not much, just enough to let her know that you're not a serial killer and that you have friends.

In this first conversation, here's an excellent opportunity to plant the seeds of attraction, and you do this by playing off her imagination (See "Enigma", Chapter 1, The Seven Elements of Charisma). If you can somehow relate to anything she's saying, as soon as she pauses for a breath, let her know that you can relate, but don't make a big deal about it. Then, rather than change the subject, go back in time twenty seconds and pick up the conversation before you had cut in.

By not making a big deal out of the fact that the two of you share something in common, you immediately put her mind to work. Suddenly she's not sure what you're motives are. In general, when a woman is in conversation with a guy she's never met, in the back of her mind she's looking for signs that the guy is somehow interested in her. Guys who are obviously interested are very predictable, with little challenge or mystery to them whatsoever.

So here's an opportunity to present yourself as a challenge - using the element of enigma, you're goal is to tap into her imagination and make her wonder whether you're interested or not (Psychologically, this works at almost all stages of the dating game, and a very popular tactic women use on men). If you're interested, you're interested. If you're not interested, you're not interested. But if she's not sure, you suddenly present yourself as a challenge, which (worth repeating a thousand times over) women are known to be attracted to.

Generally when you tell a woman that the two of you have something in common, nine times out of ten it has the same effect as a pick up line - she thinks that you're trying to con her and it blows up in your face. Don't tell her you have something in common - show her by acting like you can relate to what she's saying. She'll realize on her own that the two of you have something in common and the effect is a hundred times greater.

What are small talk killers? Pay attention - what follows are common mistakes many guys make when having a conversation with a women for the first time:

Don't express interest in her sexually (in any way), be it with your eyes, posture, or words.

Don't give her the third degree: In other words, avoid firing off questions, one after the other.

Don't tell her too much about yourself (for example, your life story), because:
a) You may come across as if you're trying to impress her with words.
b) You may come across as if you "talk too much".
c) She may think that you're full of yourself.
d) You don't leave anything to her imagination.

Don't come across as cocky, too-cool, macho, or chauvinistic. On the flip side, don't come across as "too nice".

Unless she's under the effects of alcohol, a woman's walls are usually up when meeting or being approached by a guy she's never met before. And some women's walls are up thicker than others. Your goal in the early stages of the conversation process is to tear down her walls and make her feel at ease in your presence. You can easily do this by assuming an "innocent" role. In your mind you should have no notion of bedding her, only of making a new friend. In fact, the moment you talk to a woman with absolutely no thoughts of sex, the pressure is off and you can talk to her as if you would talk to anyone else. So don't stare at her (keep eye contact, just don't overdo it), and don't lick your lips!

The secret of small talk is to get her to open up to you, at the same time dropping in bits and pieces about yourself so that she will feel familiar with you and more at ease. One of the most effective means to small talk is to empathize and "be there" with her. Empathic listening, in fact, is considered to be emotionally seductive because a woman thinks that you share her feelings: pain, fear, anger, elation. As you listen to her, be truly attentive, and don't jump in immediately with something to say in response, as if you're her opponent in a talking contest. Too many guys think they need to be impressive with words, when actually to be truly impressive these guys really need to just shut-up and listen.

There are no 'rules' to conversation with women. There are simply 'points'. Follow the points as we've outlined them above and you'll eventually go far. As anything else in this book, you're not going to be a professional the first time you walk up to the plate. But you now know what the game is about. You're facing a pitcher known for his slider, his fastball, and his change-up. Many would say, how is this possible when for so many guys conversation is hard? The fact is, and a point made many times throughout this book when talking about women, it's the imagination at work. Most men deceive themselves, thinking that there's something grand to an effective conversation with a woman. And with these thoughts, come illusions of self-doubt, that to have an effective conversation with a woman these guys themselves have to be grand. So don't let your imagination fool you. Read and re-read this chapter.


Active member
Jun 3, 2003
Great read!
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