Being depressed sucks.

I am now on 150mgs of Effexor a day. The meds are helping a ton, but I just dont know. I have changed alot in the last few weeks and feel more free than ever, and I really dont care about anything other than what makes me feel happy. This is good but could also be bad. I go back and read some of the posts Ive made recently and am kind of embarassed a bit. This is so unlike how I used to be. Again, that is good, but could be bad. I am very sorry if Ive made an ass out of myself, and may be doing so again right now, but I just need to get this off my chest so to speak.

Heres the story, and alot of you will think Im crazy. Basically, (first off I really am not a good speller drunk or not haha) all of my life Ive been a very clean living person. No drinking, smoking, drugs....anything. I just never needed them and stayed clear of it, simply because I never had the desire to use any of that stuff. Without getting to much into religion, I have always belived it was wrong. Well, now after being depressed for so long and taking a beating so to speak, for what I always stood for and against, only to see others I looked up to, say one thing, then do another, I just have had enough of caring or trying when it comes to anything. I still belive the way I always have, its just now, I honestly dont care anymore. If the people that were supposed to be like me were not, ...then why should I try. I guess you could say, Im loosing my religion. I question everything now. I am not the same as I used to be. No one is perfect, Ive done some pretty bad things in my life, but I always tried to live right, not only to be a respectful person, but to also not bring shame upon myself or my church. My depression stems from alot of different things mind you. First I found out when I was 15 that my dad wasnt my real dad. Whats weird was that I always suspected this, even as far back as 7 years old. I remember looking through my moms dresser drawers for my birth certificate to see who was listed on it as my dad. The was always clues here and there and everyone but me could see it. I always question in my mind why my dad was 6'5", but yet I was topped out at 5' at age 15. I started noticing I didnt look anything like him. So one day as I was pouing a glass of milk I asked mom for the 100th time in my life, when am I going to start to grow and not be the shortest kid in class. When did dad start to grow? This time however she just looked at me, and tears came to her eyes. I knew before she said anything, what was comming next. She told me that my dad Ive knew all my life wasnt my real dad. I lost it. I cried all day for almost a week. She told me how my real dad (whom she dated) got her pregnant and stayed with her until I was a month old. Then one day she told him I needed some baby formula and I was getting sick. He then said he didnt claim me, that I wasnt his. After comming to terms with that after a few weeks, I accepted how things were. Everything was fine for a while. After i got married, I started noticing that my mom, and dad seemed to have an excuse to not come and see us more often than not. Through the years, that has happened so often since 2001, me and the wife have stopped inviting them over, because we just look like fools even asking. Not only that, but over the years, people I thought were my friends have turned out to just be using us. I have no friends at all that I would call close. I have some aquaintences, but thats it. Its got so bad I dont even try to be friends with anyone anymore, as I always get used, so why bother. I am more friends with you guys than with people Ive actually met. I just give up! Fuck everything Ive always stood for or was. Fuck all of those people. I just feel that no one, even my own dad doesnt care about me. Ive always treated people right and fair too, so Ive not been an asshole to anyone, ever. But yet I have no one. I am so alone, its painful. I do want to tell GoldMember thank you for being concerned in another post. Thats a rare thing for me to hear. Sorry for the big rant, I just needed to get it out.

Hey dude, I'm gonna PM you shortly.

I can't send you a PM. Maybe you could just give me your AIM, Yahoo, or MSN screen name (they are free to sign up if you don't already have one) and we could talk on there. Send it to me by PM if you can.

I read you other post about breaking free from church and the abuse and hypocrisy you found in it. I "broke free" from church for both philosophical reasons and abuse and hypocrisy reasons, like you. I have a really rough childhood, like you, which probably lead us both to religion.

I'm happy for you for breaking free. I think it's great that you feel free and think more freely. Your substance use is OKAY as well, but the key thing is to be VERY CAREFUL to not only pick your substances wisely, but also to use them in reasonably conservative quantity and frequency.

I used to abuse about every drug there is. I took it to the extent where no amount of consumption was an issue for me and no frequency of consumption was an issue for me. I basically used as much as I could every day, as if I had an I.V. pumping it through my veins. This was everything from cigs and alcohol, to pot, acid, shrooms, ecstasy, pain medication, cocaine and more. The only thing I really spaced out was the hallucinogens and E, but I still started doing them about every weekend.
I FUCKED UP MY BODY AND LIFE AND Penis EnlargementOPLE AROUND ME BY DOING THIS. IT WAS WRONG. For a while I hated myself for it and went to the extreme idea that all substance use is HORRIBLE. But, as I've become more stable and healthy in life I realize that it wasn't what I did but how much and how often I did it and for what reasons in what state of mind and life. This last realization of mine is the key that you have to be careful with.

Today, I'm clean of all drugs and cigs for about 6 years ... even though I'm considering using pot on special occasions a bit again since I know about vaporizing now .. and also considering shrooms on special occasion again.

As for alcohol, even though I've had 2 Liters of hard liquor (my fave) right here with me for 5 months now ... I've only felt like drinking it 1/10th of the time. I drank for about a week, every night. Then faded back to once a week and then just got bored and disinterested with it.

For you it may be more difficult to control your substance urges because all of the substance use is totally new to you and you're a bit unstable mentally and emotionally. You should be in a healthy place without substance before you start using substance, ideally. Then, you should be very careful to use in conservative quanity to just get a reasonable effect of what you want and then you need to be careful to use moderately ... maybe some things once a week, once a month maybe once a year or only on really special occasions. Other than that, if you want a "new drug" that you can be addicted to .... GET ADDICTED TO EXERCISE OF THE HEART, SOUL, MIND AND BODY. Start expressing yourself more, enjoying more time with your wife and loved ones, making new friends, doing things you've always wanted to do (not substances, but activities), and working out often in any ay you like from biking, swimming, weight lifting, typical sports like basketball or whatever.

I think you've got the right idea, to an extent, of saying "fuck all of that" about the people and things in your past that displease you. That's a good way to move on. But, you have to let go of it mentally and emotionally as well, instead of just saying "fuck it". Also, you should really embrace what you've learned from it and in that sense be happy that you experienced such a past. BUT, you should only let it make you more wise in your future pursuits to enjoy life with people and yourself instead of let you feel like there is no hope for improvement in those areas. There are people out there that you'll be happier with and have great experiences with ... you just have to be more careful about identifying them and with your experience from the past you should quickly pick up on signs/ "red flags" of who you want to stay away from. But, go out and see the world and enjoy it and the people in it and make new friends.

ALSO VERY IMPORTANT in my opinion: GET OFF THE DEPRESSION MEDS!!!!!!!
Get control of yourself without drugs!!!! REALLY, I've had battles with what people would call "depression" and "A.D.D." and "A.D.H.D." etc .... and I used discipline and healthy activity to overcome that ... not drugs ... and I'm fine.
A few times when things got really bad, I used the natural supplement you can get in any health store - 5-HTP. I actually initially got into it for sex benefits (stamina), but popped 1 or 2 a few times when I got really depressed. But, I actually never even went through half of a small bottle of it because I didn't need to.

Watch this trailer and maybe get this DVD: Curing Depression, Anxiety & Panic Disorders, Alternative to Antidepressant Medication .

Hope this helps. Take care.

For PMs - this forum is wacky because you can't always get the PM menu to come up for people's username. Go to your UserCP (control panel - towards the top of the forum), and find the "Send New Message" feature and just type in the username of whoever you want to PM.