Away from Home



Jun 3, 2003
Men who are away from their wives or other sexual partners for long periods of time face a special set of problems. Most men, in their 20s and older, I believe, gradually adopt an increasingly "regular" schedule for orgasms, the average probably being about every 2-3 days (though I get many letters from men who claim to be on a long-term schedule far more frequently than that). Once his schedule gets set in place, most men deviate from it only infrequently. Illness & stress may have an impact on theschedule, however. Business travel is a form of stress. While sexual partners at travel locations are not uncommon, I suspect that is not the primary sexual outlet for most of these men "away from home." Masturbation, or even mutual masturbation with the wife (or other "at home" sexual partner), over the phone is probably quite common. I would be interested in hearing more from married men, in particular, who are willing to talk about this. Every man seems to work out an individualized system that works in his special situation.

Men without sexual partners who are living with family members (parents, roommates etc.) face special problems. Masturbation is probably the primary sexual outlet, but masturbation cannot be pursued with abandon if the man is constantly concerned about being "discovered by a roommate or a family member." This sometimes makes it difficult to establish a regular "schedule" and in general getting adequate time to really "enjoy" the activity.

I have visited with many gay men who do not have sexual partners. While there clearly is a subset of gay society that is hopping from one partner to another, my e-mail indicates that this is probably no different from the sub-set of the straight population that is doing the same thing with female partners. Gays are just as varied in personality, outlook, and attitudes toward sexuality as are straights. In looking for stable, long-term relationships, many gays go through periods of their lives in which they have no sexual partners. Gay men deal with this situation the same way straight men do: then tend to masturbate a lot. One difference I note is that the gays I have visited with are much more open with respect to not only admitting this but also in describing the specific techniques they use. Furthermore, gays seem to be a good deal more creative with respect to thinking up new and exciting methods. Straight men tend to be hung up on the notion that if they mention this, whoever they talk to won't regard them as "real" (that is, straight) men, and so it's best not to say anything. Gays frequently trade information with each other about interesting masturbation techniques, seeing this as simply a manifestation of their overall interest in other men (newsgoups that cater to gays are filled with this information: Straights seldom trade such information, for fear of how their interest might be interpreted by others. After all, they don't want to be called "jerk-offs," a very derogatory term! As a result, straights generally lack the information on masturbation techniques gays routinely trade.

Men who remain single and choose to avoid sexual relations make this choice for a variety of reasons. Any intimate relationship, to a certain degree, is manipulative. While men manipulate women, women, on average, are probably more adept at psychologically manipulating men to get what they want. This goes right back to the "sex is just part of a larger package of need" that provides an overall explanation for female attitudes and behaviors toward men. Women's magazines are filled with articles that help women develop techniques for getting what they want from men.

The issue is not the question of whether women manipulate men. (This sounds chauvinist, but they do! Remember, however, I also said that men manipulate women to get what men want, so at least I'm a "fair" chauvinist). Rather, the issue is how individual men react to the female manipulation. A lot of married men regularly complain to their male friends that they are being psychologically manipulated by their wives. But individual men react and deal with this differently. Many men see the manipulation as simply the "price" they must pay in order to get what they want out of the relationship (for example, sex). These men don't even realize that this is (or was) a choice they made. For many men, this psychological manipulation by their female partners is so much an every day part of their lives that they no longer even think of it as psychological manipulation. Other men "fight back" to a certain degree, by refusing to do the things their wives suggest. But this strategy is fraught with dangers. Many women are very adept at withholding "important things" in an effort to regain control over what they regard as a deteriorating situation. The men who fight back too strongly or too frequently generally end up in divorce court.

Many men who remain single and who choose not to have intimate relations with a woman simply conclude that the price of intimacy (that is, a lifetime of female manipulation) is too large a price to pay. Everything comes down to a simple choice. Is it worth it to give up the freedom of a single life in order to find sexual intimacy? While most men say yes, some men conclude no. There is nothing wrong with that. But to compensate, these men may take masturbation activities to a higher level than their counterparts who have made other choices. With time and privacy available, why not experiment a bit! Keeping the sexual equipment in good order is an excellent idea for good general health as well. Perhaps I'm being a bit unkind here, but every man has the opportunity to make these choices. Many men make them without even fully recognizing the options that are available. Sexual intimacy is an explicit choice to be made.
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