Attention: I Have Been Using Other Guy's Photos For A Very Long Time (Apology)

This is a hard message to write, as I'm deeply ashamed of doing this, but I need to call accountability to it --


When I was a lot younger, I saw my first "massive-cock" ����, and it made quite an impression.

I became fascinated by the idea of how women reacted to a big penis, and I convinced myself that having a big penis meant automatic sex, and that if it was big enough, women would be powerless to resist it.

Basically, I came to associate the idea of having a big penis, or a woman being "impressed" by one, with having sex, even if I was watching a video screen, and the sex was just masturbating.

Furthermore, I came to associate the idea of having a big penis with women being automatically ready for sex.

I thought that penis size trumped all, meaning a guy with a big penis would never get rejected, and a man's life would be perfect, if only his penis was big enough to make it perfect.

I thought that this was the ultimate trump card w/ the opposite sex, in the sense that every woman would think "well, he's got a big dick, I have to fuck him, and worship him," or whatever.

It's embarrassing to see that I was so foolish, and that this became my reality, for such a long time.

(I also remember that when I was younger, and in high-school, some girl kept insulting my "alleged" size -- she hadn't even seen it, she was just trying to get to me -- so that didn't help.)

As time progressed, I surrounded myself with more and more environments which supported the idea that "penis size trumps all", and went out of my way to confirm this (erroneous) belief.

Now, I realize that confidence, leadership, and integrity are the only trump cards in life, and that the ����������� industry strives on creating doubt, instead of creating empowerment.

Before understanding this, I attempted to repair my (own) self-esteem by using other men's pictures online, and passing them off as my own.

Since I didn't actually have the size of the people that I had seen in ����, or other guys that were getting reactions online, this seemed like a compelling way to simulate the experience of being sexually desired.

I would lie to these women, and say/imply that my penis was much bigger than it was.

This was completely sili, because I was sweeping the rug out from my own self-esteem.

I had become so convinced that women wanted to be "impressed", and I was so excited at the thought of wielding some kind of power over a woman's reaction to me, that simulating this experience became something of an obsession.

I would watch more (and more) ���� of this nature, and I would join adult photo-sharing websites while using pictures of other men -- creating online alter-egos became habit, and it was an (unsuccessful) attempt to heal a deep fear of sexual inadequacy.

I did not understand that this behavior was furthering my feelings of frustration.

Since I didn't actually have the size of the people that I had seen in ����, or other guys that were getting reactions online, I would use the internet to find their pictures, and live vicariously through this fantasy that I had constructed.

I would lose days to immersion in the world of ���� and pursuing cyber-sex, not even using my own pictures for the latter.

My efforts included everything from making several (false) accounts at websites like TangoTime and NewbieNudes, to sharing pictures that weren't mine when the conversation became sexual w/ women that I was talking with as "my-self" on various dating web-sites, always using their reactions to masturbate, and climax.

I would spend hours on these endeavors, ignoring my school-work, and other areas of my life, just so that I could reach the "success" of having a woman react to another man's picture, while thinking it was mine. (I also experimented with photo-shopping my own, though the latter proved more effective.)

It was part of a general obsession w/ the idea behind "big-dick" ���� -- that a part of your body, and another person's reaction to it, can produce a sustainable source of self-esteem.

It was part of a period where I did not think that I was good enough, and did not understand that I was being lied to about my potential, as all of you are being lied to, as well.

I thought it was acceptable behavior to do whatever it took to simulate the experience of being accepted, even if that came at the expense of my integrity.

The only time that I felt sexually desired, was when I was pretending to be somebody else.

This desire for acceptance consumed my life, and eroded my character.

I would spend hours on lpsg.org, being so jealous of people w/ a bigger penis than mine, and I would spend days pursuing cyber sex, using other men's photos when I created the accounts.

I would do whatever it took to simulate the experience of being desired, because I was not confident that I was enough.

I would keep seeking out reactions, and would often use masturbation to make the experience more exciting, and gratifying.

While my Parents paid for an expensive university, I wasted their money on years of chronic masturbation, depression, and lies.

Eventually, it got to the point, where most of the biggest ones weren't even big enough for my fantasy "alter-ego", and I would take the biggest ones I could find and then Photoshop them, to make them even bigger (before presenting them to women, and pretending they were mine).

When I did not pass the pictures off as my own, I would spend hours clicking on other men's pictures to look at the comments, searches for comments from attractive women as a source of arousal, often masturbating to the mere thought of her reaction upon being presented with a big penis, and how she would have to "submit" to it.

I would think about what it would be like if that was me that she was talking to -- I thought that if my penis was bigger than the person's in the photo, if it was the biggest she'd ever seen, that she would automatically like me, and submit to me sexually.

The idea was so exciting that I would often masturbate to the thought, while I was staring at her photos.

Other times, I had become so desensitized to doing this, that combing through the "Dicks" section on NewbieNudes and looking for comments was almost like reading the newspaper.

Almost.

It sounds sili now, because I realize that doing this has been about chasing acceptance, and living vicariously through other men to get some sense of it has ruined me, for the moment.

I was lying, rather than cultivating my-self (and cultivating this part of my own body, for Christ's sake, which I didn't even understand was possible before SizeGenetics/M.O.S.).

These behaviors have little do w/ sex, and much more to do with a general sense of self-worth.

These behaviors were part of a general coping mechanism that involved a fear of facing the truth, and general lack of self-confidence, which is .


I look ahead to the next decade of my life, and I realize that the first three have been wasted chasing validation, when I have had it the whole time.

The chase has always come at the expense of my character and integrity, and this is no longer acceptable.

In the course of these behaviors, I have definitely used pictures of some forum members, and passed them off as my own.

Namely, I owe the following an apology, and I hope they will accept:

DLD (I think it was just the well-known picture set w/ the arm and the ruler, and I'm sorry.)
bigbuttlover (I don't think the guy posts here any more, I'm not sure. I remember that I stole his flaccid pictures, and a few of the erect ones.)
cracka1 (I stole a few of them, and then stretched them out w/ FotoFlexer)
--I might have used kingsnake's too, I don't remember.

I am deeply sorry, and I have (obviously) decided that I will not engage in these behaviors any further, and they are not acceptable.

I would very much appreciate being allowed to (still) use the forums, as this web-site has helped to change my perspective on a lot of (sexual) issues, and when I reach my target size, I will be happy to contribute.

Thank you for your time,

A.



-- By the way, the most messed-up part of this whole deal, is that from reading this message, people would probably would think that I literally had micro-penis, or something, when that is far from the case. All of this is just a very good example of what this culture can do to people, if they are not vigilant in cultivating self-esteem. --

This is great stuff AF3. You are learning from your mistakes and doing it the honest way. You became obssessed, confused, and Tranquilized by ���� and big dicks. The only girls after big dicks are size queens or girls that prefer above average. Some girls prefer average and small dicks too as there are different sizes of vaginas. Some wider,deeper, shorter,more narrow, crooked. There's a dick for every vagina. Take what you've learned from this to better yourself. Character is a part of what girls like to along with cofindence. But I'm sure.you already know. So what gave you the idea or drive to stop pretending to have a massive dick to impress girls?

So you were basically doing like on that show "Catfish"?

Self confidence is the man walking up to the girl and says hi. Not because he knows that he can get her.

But because he knows that it doesn't matter if she says yes or no.

To admit ones mistakes is in my opinion one of the biggest strenghts. A person can possess. And it is what makes people succesfull. So many people who keeps being attached to old patterns. And who never lets go.

So you have my respect my friend.

And do not believe for 1 second that you have wasted time. You have gained an insight in understanding what self destroying behavior is. Or let me put it in another way.

Would you be more capable of helping other people in likewise situations?

Going from -10 to 0 is just as hard as going from 0 to 10 (if not harder)

So the personal development you have gained by now. Is going to make your life alot easier.

Don't slam it down to be nothing

Don't worry. Its possible to get bigger. Sure, girls don't care that much about penis size compared to other things, but from reading your post, you are like me. I knew that I was supposed to be bigger and wouldn't be happy with myself until I was. Its the same as bodybuilding. If you're doing it for girls instead of doing it for yourself, you're not gonna be able to maintain the willpower to make gains.

You need not be so hard on yourself, your story reflects the story of many here today. Yes, you did become obsessed and lacked proper discipline but there is an upside to this and that is your imagination. You have a broad imagination which allows you to pretend things before they happen and I do not want you to lose this. The men who can pretend the most end up creating that which they pretended to have. This sounds like a self lie but it is nothing more than manifestation, something made popular by the Secret. I can speak for the Brotherhood when I say you are welcome here and we leave the past in the past. At this point in your life I would suggest a few things to help you on your way. The average size man has a 5.5" penis but the largest is about 11" this is broken up like this, 90% of the men in the world fall into the average category while 5% fall under average and 5% fall above average. As you go above average measurements the number of men diminish as the size becomes bigger. The big dicks you see in ����, across the board, are the same 10 actors that fill these roles compared to the other 1000s of men who do not. How big is big enough for a size queen, I would say right about 8 x 6, a size most men strive for here. The chances of a size queen getting anything bigger becomes very rare as she makes her way up the scale. So, with that said, ���� is mostly built on larger than life experience. This means making every effort to make an average penis look big and a above average penis look massive. If you want to see true average size visit a nude beach, or find pictures online, this is what the world really looks like nude. So put ���� out of your mind.

Next, discipline is so important when it comes to anything in your life, including PE. Moderation in all things never meant so much after reading your post. You label yourself as a liar but what you were really doing is what 90% of the users online do, pretend to be something they are not. Now how would it pan out if a girl fell for you and a fake picture? What would you say when sex was about to happen? You would be incredibly embarrassed and the girl would go off thinking you are dishonest, great for a one night stand but thats about it. You need to fist stop worrying about what a girl wants and really pin down what you want. Make a choice, start a log, be honest with us and we will get you there for you and no one else. But never lose that wonderful imagination you have. Use it to get to your goal faster.

Try to live life in the real world and limit your time online to the Brotherhood here and other sites that will help you be the person you want. Facebook is a bunch of people pretending to be something there not, and every other site like this is the same. You talk about the LPSG, I know most of the bigger men their use edited pictures. They are a bunch of wannabes that live their life a phonies. I am not sure what they get out of this dishonest behavior but they continue to fake a life they do not have. Too many people spend too much time online. Online to me is spending 7 hours a day at MOS and maybe another hour researching things pertinent to my betterment and that of the Brotherhood (and remember this is my job). The rest of my day is spent with family and friends enjoying life in the real world.

I want to see you start with a clear conscious and a fresh start and allow us help you be all the man you can be, that is what this Brotherhood is for. I love all of my Brothers the same and will help any one of you get what you want in life. There is no reason to lie here, we want to hear the truth so we can advise people in the right way. I say call today the first day of your life and start fresh! Have no fear, we will be here for you.

GirthGains;646832 said:

This is great stuff AF3. You are learning from your mistakes and doing it the honest way. You became obssessed, confused, and Tranquilized by ���� and big dicks. The only girls after big dicks are size queens or girls that prefer above average. Some girls prefer average and small dicks too as there are different sizes of vaginas. Some wider,deeper, shorter,more narrow, crooked. There's a dick for every vagina. Take what you've learned from this to better yourself. Character is a part of what girls like to along with cofindence. But I'm sure.you already know. So what gave you the idea or drive to stop pretending to have a massive dick to impress girls?

Click to expand...

Well, I typed out a very long response, and then it turns out I was not logged in, so an hour or so of composing that message was (apparently) vaporized.

I will talk about these things much more, and plan to write a detailed time-line, and give the letter some context, so that what (exactly) happened is much more clear, and people can more fully understand the specifics, in terms of what I did (and did not) do.

Short answer:

I have made a decision that I will not suffer inside, and I will not let this culture determine how I feel about my-self.




The (paraphrased) longer answer, is:

It could have been anything, and it was, in the sense that there was a period in my life where I used my imagination to escape in to a much more detailed facade, instead of just cultivating these things in reality.

A long time ago, I lied about money, and I cheated my way through college, when it would have been actually easier to just make the money, and to learn the material.

I was very fortunate to have a few experiences where this facade blew up in my face, and I'm so grateful for that.

Because of those experiences, I have developed some painful associations with being "dis-honest", even though there was a part of me that did not register what I was doing as a lie, because I was not associating those pictures w/ my own likeness, in the sense of trying to link them to my face, or anything like that.

The(sexual) behavior was something that I had not dared not to face, until I realized that I had to.

When I realized that I had been giving my power away, I found it absolutely disgusting, because that is not how I have decided to live, ever.

I believe that the whole habit loop got lodged in there (and has remained), because I have been allowed to escape in this way for a very long time, and instead of receiving constant pain for doing this, I was able to encourage it with pleasure, and further in-grain it in the reward system of the un-conscious.

Eventually, I knew that I had to stop, and the moment of pain was specifically when I realized that I would not be able to respect myself, and therefore not be able to pass on to others, without first conquering these challenges.

In short, I realized that I was a fraud, again.

It is not conceivable for me to lie to my friends, or anybody else for that matter (when I am acting as myself), and so the other day, when a friend asked me how I was doing and I said "good", I realized that I was not telling full truth, and I though that was bullsh#t behavior, on my part.

I did not face the reality that I was just as dishonest as before, I had just invented other personas to do it, and caused a schism in my heart.

My sense of self is still quite weak, though there are often times where it appears to be quite strong, and there are areas where it has improved drastically.

I was lucky, in that I understood what I would have to do to start making immediate progress, and that writing this letter and acting with integrity would be therapeutic, and that it would begin to immediately flip the associations and the way that I saw my behavior, being able to look at it for what it actually was, instead of lying to myself and saying that it was "research", or anything like that.

stillwantmore2;646838 said:

So you were basically doing like on that show "Catfish"?

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For the last four years (and I can talk about what happened before that, in another letter), I do not recall ever posting another person's picture as "my-self", in the sense of linking it to my face, or name (in full), or anything like that.

In fact, the most fucked-up part of this story is that I have posted my own pictures and received compliments more than once, and it wasn't enough.

(I'll address in the next post).

For the last four years, I do not recall ever doing anything where I was actually planning to meet that person, or doing something to encourage emotional investment on their end, or anything like that. It was more of a "big-dick chat"/get off type thing, where I got very adept at getting the reactions that fueled me, and then moved on, often times (towards the end) telling them that those weren't my pictures.

I do not ever recall there being overtones of emotional investment, or anything of that nature, and I would not play in to those, that I remember.
--In fact, I would (specifically) make new accounts, and not develop friendships with any of these people. I would often end up talking to the same person from different accounts (NewbieNudes), and not tell them it was "me". I don't remember ever developing some kind of e-friendship as anybody besides myself for more than like, a day.

I think the most that happened on the emotional investment front was like, some chick agreed to meet "me" at a nude beach by where she lived, or some shit like that, and it was done in such a manner that she was just going kind of going along with what I saying, so I don't know how serious she was, and we did not exchange phone numbers, or anything like that.

--Looking back on it, I'm pretty sure that chick was very damaged/abused sexually, and I don't remember if I stopped talking to her immediately after I realized that, but I'm pretty sure that's what happened. It wouldn't surprise me if not, though, because there was a state where I pretty fucked up in how far I would go, I just wasn't doing things to actively hurt people or get involved in their lives, and it was usually them that ended up ignoring me, or flaking out on our conversation, and so on, so I don't think they even paid attention, when our "conversation" was through.

If I ever sent photos of my-self to any woman who I was planning on meeting, I would always use my own pictures, and it wouldn't even occur to me to use another person's (which might sound kind of confusing).

Basically, the sexual gratification loop of using other men's pictures/getting off to the reactions became completely compartmentalized, to the point where I would just construct an identity (which had nothing to do with myself, in terms of anything other than location, or where I grew up or stuff like that, but the idea at that point was never to make it seem like it was "me", or anything like that.)


So, from what I understand, that show is more about people seeking relationships by doing this, and constructing false identities to legitimately try and live the lie.

Towards the end, if it ever got to a point where I thought somebody was getting legitimately interested in meeting, I would either leave, or tell them that those weren't my pictures.

doublelongdaddy;646887 said:

You have a broad imagination which allows you to pretend things before they happen and I do not want you to lose this.

....

But never lose that wonderful imagination you have. Use it to get to your goal faster.

\
I want to see you start with a clear conscious and a fresh start and allow us help you be all the man you can be, that is what this Brotherhood is for. I love all of my Brothers the same and will help any one of you get what you want in life. There is no reason to lie here, we want to hear the truth so we can advise people in the right way. I say call today the first day of your life and start fresh! Have no fear, we will be here for you.

Click to expand...

It's funny, because a lot of the time, towards the end, I convinced myself that I was actually doing "research" to get a definitive answer on whether or not I should pursue penis enlargement, which is a lot of how this habit continued -- by me telling my-self that it was research, and a part of me actually believing that -- despite being honest in several (other) aspects of my life. Basically, it just got very out of control again, and then I knew it had to stop.

I'm glad to hear you say what you said about imagination, and it actually enhances my opinion of how you view the world, because if I read the story that I wrote above, it would basically say to me:

"Holy fuck, that guy has massive potential, RIGHT NOW, it's just a matter of getting him in the right habits, and then he will do things that people don't even understand are possible."

In other words, I would take somebody with my background, over somebody with a wife and kids, any day of the week.

-- To people who are reading this, and thinking that some-how a woman's reactions to your size will matter, I want you to understand the following --


You've read the above story, and it's pretty intense, right?

Now, let me tell you about the following other experiences that I have had, and keep all of the following (above) in mind:

1) When I was in high-school, a girl saw up my gym shorts, and told her friend that I had a "really big dick", to the point where one of her other friends tried to feel me up in the hall, and that wasn't good enough for me to even consider seeking out women as my primary source of sex.
When push came to shove, I always turned to ����, more or less.

2) AFTER I used my OWN pictures w/ a girl that I met online, this girl freaked out about how big it was/"OMG", etc.

(Personally, I think it just came out that way in the picture, or whatever).

--I was so intimidated by how she reacted to MY dick, that I didn't let her (fully) see it when we met, and when we were making out one-time, I told her that it wasn't even hard when she felt it through my pants, even though I was. It was obviously hard, and she was like "hmmm...it feels hard", and I just denied it. I even considered getting SURGERY to make it bigger before we met, because I could not believe that I had not correct her, when she reacted.

-- Incidentally, freaking out and looking for ways to make it bigger was how I found the SizeGenetics, so that was a nice introduction to penis enlargement, I suppose.

--I let things get to the point where she was literally in bed practically BEGGING to give me oral sex, and I still wouldn't even (fully) show it to her. Instead, I would basically get semi-erect and partially take my pants down to show her the beginning, so she thought it was some kind of huge flaccid, or whatever. I broke up with her, never having sex, or even letting her give me oral sex, like she wanted to.

--Then later, like SEVERAL months after we had broken up, and were meeting for pizza, I remember having the brilliant idea to stuff like two or three socks in some skinny jeans, and call her attention to it. She basically later told me, that she thought I was acting weird that night, or something along those lines. She said something like her "spidey senses were definitely tingling", or something like that, I don't remember the exact wording.

3) AFTER I learned that it was possible to make your dick bigger, AND had achieved gains, I still went back to using other men's pictures online, so it wasn't enough to understand that it was possible, and I believe it is a matter of self-esteem, in feeling ENTITLED to do it, as it's obvious that it is possible.

--There are other experiences, that I will detail in a later post, upon writing my full story in (more) detail, after I achieve my gains.

As a side-note, I would not suggest responding to my responses w/ any type of question that you would like to be answered immediately, since I probably won't be checking this thread, for awhile at least. I would much prefer to just post some type of journal entries/personal thoughts in a different thread, and leave it at that, for now.
a log

In terms of mechanics (as in, actually making your dick bigger), I have never done well w/ keeping a detailed log on here, and it's likely that I will keep a log w/ "BigAl", who I am hiring as my coach/consultant, as he seems to be running a very detailed, high-end coaching program, and I have heard Mike (DLD) recommend him before, I believe.

I would be happy to transfer all of my logs on here at the end, so that people can see the exact data, and understand the relationship between effort/results.

In other words, I am happy to share some knowledge when I actually have it, and be of help to people, since people here have been of help to me, and I would like to reward that. I would be more interested in sharing my full story in much detail, and plan to do so, as I progress, in therapy.

AF3;646925 said:

in the sense that there was a period in my life where I used my imagination to escape in to a much more detailed facade, instead of just cultivating these things in reality.

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You hit it on the head here, this is the proper path to manifestation. There needs to be an action attached to the imagined state you desire. This is why I said not to lose one bit of that massive imagination, just use it the right way now.

AF3;646927 said:

It's funny, because a lot of the time, towards the end, I convinced myself that I was actually doing "research" to get a definitive answer on whether or not I should pursue penis enlargement, which is a lot of how this habit continued -- by me telling my-self that it was research, and a part of me actually believing that -- despite being honest in several (other) aspects of my life. Basically, it just got very out of control again, and then I knew it had to stop.

I'm glad to hear you say what you said about imagination, and it actually enhances my opinion of how you view the world, because if I read the story that I wrote above, it would basically say to me:

"Holy fuck, that guy has massive potential, RIGHT NOW, it's just a matter of getting him in the right habits, and then he will do things that people don't even understand are possible."

In other words, I would take somebody with my background, over somebody with a wife and kids, any day of the week.

Click to expand...

I am glad it helped you. Like I said, I was 10" long before I was 10" I imagined that 10 inches and I played with this desire until I believed I actually had it. It was not long before the real thing came. Like I said already, action must follow imagination.

Well, most of the women were probably using someone elses pictures too, and some of them probably weren't even women, so as far as they go, you're even

Jack Leg;647087 said:

Well, most of the women were probably using someone elses pictures too

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Laughing out loud in StarBucks So fucking true!

Jack Leg;647087 said:

Well, most of the women were probably using someone elses pictures too, and some of them probably weren't even women, so as far as they go, you're even

Click to expand...

The funny thing was that I didn't even care, it was just about the idea of "getting" acceptance, and simulating that situation in my head.

Like eight or nine years ago, I remember spending an entire day walking around my apartment naked, pretending that I was on a nude beach and that all of the women admired me, and basically telling my-self an erotic story for the entire afternoon, until I finally gave in and masturbated.

Update: While researching some (P.E.) exercises, I saw another guy's dick, and felt terrible about it -- like I had "cheated", so I felt compelled to post.

(I immediately scrolled down from the picture and I am currently figuring out how I am going to go about working around this issue of seeing another man's penis triggering all kinds of fucked-up connections, while getting simultaneously getting serious about P.E. and researching/looking at demonstrations of the exercises).

Other than that, I have not used ����/any other forum of sexual simulation on my computer, since I have written my original message.

I have found the idea of having sex as anybody but my-self to be a vile and repulsive form of self-sabotage which must continue to be destroyed until nothing but integrity is left.

I include masturbation in the list of unacceptable behaviors, as there is absolutely no reason to do it (in my experience), and several benefits to not doing it, and practicing transmutation.

Update (2): As part of a general sense of low self-worth, I have had issues with not paying attention to personal hygiene, and not showering for weeks on end/not even washing my hair, wearing dirty clothes, and so on.

After writing my original message, I woke up the next morning, showered, looked my best, and then went to an expensive clothing store to upgrade my wardrobe, looking at some suits. When I got out of the shower (probably the first time in a month or so) and shaved, I was surprised at how handsome I was. I was distinctly thinking "hey, I look like a rock-star."

Not more than five minutes after I was in the store, a salesperson walked over and told me that I looked like a rock-star (unsolicited), which I thought was pretty hilarious -- (I have long hair, and he told me that I looked like the lead singer from the Scorpions).

I decided awhile ago that I don't really care what other people think of my looks, and the other day was the first time in a very long time that I have actually added the second part to that equation -- I do care what I think of them, and how comfortable I am when I look in the mirror.



Since writing my original message, I take pride in my appearance, walk around with a much more centered feel in my body, and have noticed that people respond to me instantly, signaling that they want to be a part of my life.

I walk around the world feeling entitled to people's time, because I know that my intentions are good.

I have felt a lightness in my chest that I have not felt in a very long time, and feel much better than the last time that I came out of a very rough period in my life, and I have started practicing authentic self-development (again).


I have no interest in wielding power over anybody but myself, and I wrote this message as a thank-you to those that have responded to my original message.

(I actually didn't consider how people would respond to my original message when I was writing it, I just knew that I needed to write it and it was meant as a simple apology/therapeutic message. I was surprised that other people were so accepting, so thank you.)

Update (3): I have thought about it, and have realized the following:

The number of women that have either been naked in my bed and wanting to have first-time sex with me, or thought they were going to have sex with me when we had clothes on, and I refused/took them home/left, is actually more than number of women I've had sex with.

I'm not talking about some situation like "oh yeah, I could've banged her" -- I'm talking about at least two instances where the chick is literally naked, in my bed, and saying that she is interested in having sex either explicitly or in similar, or another where she has clothes on and is staying up late/waking up early the next morning because she brought me to her apartment to have sex, and then I basically refuse her when we're about to, and turn her over and give her a massage so she doesn't cry her-self to sleep, while I my-self was trying not to cry.

It's pretty funny, and I'm laughing pretty hard just thinking about ridiculous it is.

As another example, I met this chick while I was waiting for the train in Washington D.C., and anybody watching this interaction would have probably thought that I had done that a thousand times, and had sex with all of them.

Really, I didn't give a shit what she thought, I just wanted the left-over pizza that she had, and I think she was surprised that I didn't approach her in the same way ever other doofus (probably) did.

Anyways, we went out, and I actually remember that when I saw her again, I got pretty turned on, and completely dis-empowered at the same time, it was pretty funny.

I just had no idea how to get physical, and I thought that you needed some kind of “routine” or mechanics, rather than just acting from your gut. It got to the point where perceived me as so allergic to physical contact w/ her that she apologized for accidentally touching the back of my head when we were sitting on the park.

Regardless, the process of leading her in that way just completely dis-empowered me -- this happened a lot.

I would wait for women to lead (even though I didn't realize this at the time), and then they would obviously get turned-off, and that would be the end.

There were definitely some hilarious experiences, where even though (on some visceral level) these women probably knew that I was harm-less, they probably got really creeped out watching me flail around to find my desires as man, instead of just accessing the part of my consciousness that is a natural leader.

I didn't really understand why that was happening, and now I understand that part of this was just some kind of limiting self-concept that I had developed and various bullsh*t that I had “accepted” about myself – that I, as myself, was not sexually worthy, and they were better off just finding a guy who was “better” than me in some way, since that was what they wanted anyways.

Obviously, there was some penis size stuff related to that, and I was feeding these ideas w/ ���� and other experiences, which were magnifying these ideas to me that I was not worthy of a woman sexually, and she should find some-body else.

It was even more messed-up than this, because when I was somewhere between the ages of ten and fifteen (I don't remember), I read an erotic story series where the main character had an ~11'' dick, and his life was perfect.

The story was written in such a way that he got whatever he wanted out of life, he always got a lot of attention, and he had an “aura” about him, and it was (supposedly) because he had such a big penis.

After reading that story, it made me think that if everybody in my life thought that I was like that man, my life would be a lot better.

As embarassing/hilarious as the following is going to be, after I read this story (I would guess that I was around 13), I tried to invent situations where I could get a semi-erection that looked like I was flaccid and "accidentally" have my Mom walk in on me in the shower, and so on, because I thought that the women of the house would respect me more if they thought I had a big, flaccid penis like the guy in the story.

I think there were scenes in the story where the character in the story had his life made better because people saw him walking around his apartment naked, and were amazed at his flaccid size, or something like that -- actually, I remember the basic gist of that scene now, and I remember that I wanted to just be like him, and have the people in my life think that I was just like him.

I remember thinking about those scenes/that story when I would try to invent those situations.

(As a rather funny side-note, I might have had an experience where I tried to do this when my grand-mother was around as well, and I don't remember if I was like “oh, shit!” or went ahead with the original plan, when I realized that it was my grand-mother walking in to the house, and not my Mom. I'm pretty sure that I was like “uh-oh”, and ran the fuck to my room, or some other place, where I could put clothes on.)

I gave up on "trying" to create this situation after it actually started happening, and then my Mom jumped out of her skin because she was not expecting to see me naked, and then she started thinking I was weird when I kept trying to find these situations, and didn't understand why I wouldn't just take a towel in to the bathroom w/ me, instead of opening the door to a crack and asking her to hand me one when I was out.

I'm glad that I'm looking back on all of this, because it's interesting to see how I was kind of “programmed” w/ these ideas from a very early age, and how they have been affecting my life.

I've only had sex with two women, and at least two of the ones that I refused were definitely equal or better-looking than the ones that I had sex with, which I don't think is coincidence.

A really attractive chick that I met in college isn't even included in this list – she was practically begging to mess around w/ me for a week, and I declined.

I tell my-self that I declined because she asked me to edit an English paper of hers and I got turned-off when there were all kinds of spelling mistakes, but the reality is that this was after several times where I just didn't know what to do when we were alone, and this was not the only time that this pattern has played out.
I tell my-self that I have always had high-standards, and the truth is I've always been scared, and I have never faced my sexual insecurities, to the point where a woman's point of view on my sexual skills/my body would not affect me.

(This was my first year of college, I was either 18 or 19, and she was the same).

I tell my-self that I have always had high-standards, and the truth is I've always been scared, and I have never faced my sexual insecurities, to the point where a woman's point of view on my sexual skills/my body would not affect me.

Then there was another, who I mentioned in another post – she was quite attractive, and things got to the point where she was literally pouting/begging when we were in bed, saying “...let me suck your cockkkk!”, and I refused.

When we had met online, and the conversation got sexual, I had sent her my own pictures – her “impressed” reaction scared me, so I thought that if I could make it bigger between the time that I sent her the pictures and the time that she acutally saw it, then things would be o.k.

I just didn't feel like I was “impressive” enough "down there", and so eventually, I would return simulating the experience of getting sexual “admiration”, by using the internet/stealing other guy's photos.

During the latter years, I often had the thought that using other men's photos as your own, because you think he is "better", or lying about yourself in any way, for that matter, is one of the worst things that you can do your self-esteem.

Habit forces prevailed, and I kept going, until I didn't.


I didn't understand that I was the slave, and my ego was my master, and repulsive as it sounds.

I guess that I haven't felt like I had much to offer these women.

On the one hand, it manifests as that I actually don't give a sh*t what people think, which is very true in every situation except for sex – the (full) reality, however, is that I have been avoiding situations where I might care what some-body thinks.

There are plenty of situations in which I (truly) do not give a sh*t what any human being would think – sex is not one of them.

It feels good to acknowledge that this is the case.

I have been confusing avoidance w/ “honesty”, and I have been confusing avoidance w/ legitimate progress.

Legitimate progress is measured on the level:

I will never accept sexual dis-honesty from myself.

Ever.

Again.

No matter what.

I will cultivate the confidence to be honest w/ women sexually, and I will accept nothing else.

Engaging in the aforementioned avoidance, rather than a ruthless assessment of my present behaviors and thought patterns, is obviously not the way to get stronger.


As a final example --

It was in the weeks before I left to live on the other side of the world (Asia) that I went out with six different girls, all of which I met on-line -- not through sex-chat websites, and not using other guy's pictures, or anything like that.

I had sex with none of them, and had trouble getting physical with all of them – I didn't really understand why, and now I understand that part of this was just some kind of limiting self-concept that I had developed and various bullsh*t that I had “accepted” about my-self – that I was not sexually worthy, and they were better off just finding a guy who was “better” than me in some way, since that was what they wanted anyways.

I thought that they should just find a guy with a huge penis, because that was what they wanted, anyways.

It's just so obvious now, that I haven't felt like I had much to offer women/various other people in my life, and on the one hand, it manifests as that I actually don't give a sh*t what they think.

I have been telling myself stories about how I “am”, when my actions have said other-wise, and it feels very good to recognize the disparity, and bring myself in to further alignment.

I want people to feel great around me, and I do not want them “attracted” to me for any other reason.

There is no difference between penis size, intelligence, or money in this respect – I will never again get tricked in to thinking that any of these things are more important than quality of character.

Not for any person on this planet.

Ever.

Since understanding this, I have felt a lot more centered.


Now:

I will never date anybody for any other reason than that I respect their character, and I expect the absolute same.
If I ever sense that the primary reason that some-body is “with” me because they are “impressed” with anything other than my character, they will be removed from my life.

Immediately.

I have not really realized how this entire history/so many of these sexual behaviors were severely impacting my confidence and integrity, until I have started to write about this and share it.

Even though I did not write my original message to get a response (I simply wanted people to understand that I was doing this), I have under-estimated the role that some of your responses would play in helping me to:

Step back, get outside of my-self, assess the situation (from a more external viewpoint), and start moving through it.

It is as if my entire life, there has been a road-block, as if there is a sticking point in my unconscious that did not want sex to happen.

The road-block has been opened.

I can think of no greater energy than to channel these (unconscious) forces in to full transmutation and dominance, which can lead to far greater things than intercourse w/ a woman, it can lead to intercourse w/ the world.

Anyways, I will be using my focus for moving on, in this and several areas of my life, as I have come to understand how important it is to become iron-clad in my priorities.


-- I have hired "BigAl" (AJ Alfaro), and I will be happy to provide a testimonial on his services/my experience w/ him, when I have completed my objectives.

As a favor to Mike (DLD), I will be taking clear before/after pictures, and will authorize M.O.S. to use these pictures in any of their promotional materials/advertisements, as well as any testimonials, which I will be happy to give.

As a favor to any-body who is looking to gain, I plan to retro-actively post my (complete) log on the forums, along w/ the aforementioned before and after photos, and I would be open to becoming more active on the forums, when I figure out a way that I can be legitimately effective.

It is likely that the latter will be done in some type of win/win + scalable way, and published at a point where I feel qualified to comment on whatever subject that I am writing about.

(For example, I may do some-thing like writing a published "guide to quitting ����", when I feel qualified to talk about it, and then let members of the forum access it for free, or post a lot of the content on the forums for free, or something like that.)


This has been very therapeutic, as there are very few "embarrassing" things that I have not mentioned about my sexual history, and I have received nothing but acceptance for it -- I definitely under-estimated the positive impact that some of these responses would have.

So, thanks again.
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--The only experiences that I have not mentioned were those that hadn't occurred to my until I wrote those lines above, as I have been writing things as they are appearing in my consciousness, for all of these posts, and then going back to edit order/grammar/correct redundancies, and so on. Let's see what else I've missed, I don't recall anything on this list that was not at least three years ago, with most of them being closer to six, or more):
Would seek "reactions" by just straight-up lying about my penis size w/ no pictures (of any kind) on instant messenger, telling stories to girls that made it seem like a lot of people thought I had a huge one and lying to girls about real dumb stuff, telling girls that my penis was so big it hurt my girlfriend (while I was dating this girl) and pretending like my size made sex a problem, telling a girl that my room-mate asked me to stop walking around in my under-wear because I was making him feel inadequate (or something like that, I think that's what I said, probably said a few other things), buying Magnum XL Condoms and displaying them by my bed, telling a girl that people called me "elephant trunk" and "firehose" in high school (this was an especially stupid one because I ended up meeting that girl and she had actually had a boyfriend who she said was very large, and didn't understand why I would lie), and telling a few other girls that I met online about my "size", only to actually meet them, and actually had one girl fake a head-ache, ha. The other one that I remember -- I told her some story about how a girl walked in on me in the shower in my dorm room, and then told a bunch of other people that it was huge; I made out w/ and felt-up that girl on the beach, and...I don't believe she called me back, so good for her. I also remember that OKCupid had some thread called the "GreatOKCupid Cock Comp" where people were posting their pictures, and naturally, I think I went to MonsterCockLand (might be called something different now) and ripped this guy's picture, invented some persona, and posted on there. I remember being on MonsterCockLand a lot, and using the name ElphntTrnk9, and declining an invitation to dinner with my girlfriend's family, so that I could stay in at her apartment, and then I ended up masturbating to ���� (on that site) while she was out at dinner.

Definitely stuffed like...might have been THREE socks in my briefs when I knew that my room-mate's girlfriend was home and then walking around in such a way that she would see me, and want to talk to me, and then walking around the apartment in nothing but underwear in very close proximity to her when he wasn't home -- I had no plans of hooking up w/ her at all, it was just about walking around like that, and the fantasy of her being “impressed”, which seems now that I think about it, because she was probably just like 'uh, why doesn't this guy just put some pants on?').
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